If I could just find the time to write it all down...It's all building up inside of me but between work, Alcatraz training (and doing) and now family visiting, I simply have not had (or, really, made) the time.

I did the Escape from Alcatraz Triathlon this weekend. Holy shit. What an event. I have NEVER had so much fun doing a triathlon! Now, Ironman...well, that was a whole different ballgame. That doesn't count. But as far as triathlons go, half ironman, Olympic distance, sprints, relays...this was THE MOST FUN! I am so glad I did it! I thought I had lost my tri-vibe. I hadn't been into it all season long. All the training felt burdensome. I was feeling quite burnt out. The race I did in April wasn't fun...Much as I loved the finish line, the race itself was no fun. Wildflower, well, I didn't even do the whole thing. And what I did do was fine...but I would not say it was fun. So I really was not looking forward to Alcatraz being fun. I knew it would be a challenge. I thought it would be very hard and I was especially scared of the swim - it's legendary in these parts! And I know the bike is short - just 18 miles - but everytime I have done the route, it's been quite a difficult 18 miles. And that run! * miles of either up or down...lots of up, including that sand ladder. And the running on the beach...So I knew it would be hard. And I expected that when I finished the finish line would feel great. And that would be fun.

But never did I expect to have fun throughout the day! Okay, I did not really like the swim too much. At one point, per A___'s advice, I forced a giggle. She said I would giggle, and it wasn't happening naturally, so I made myself. Truth is, I was scared. But at the same time, I kept reminding myself that I was, after all, swimming from Alcatraz to the St. Francis Yacht Club. Sure, there were huge swells in the water (so much so that the pros swam a good 5 - 10 minutes slower than usual), and I was disoriented the entier time...But...I was swimming from Alcatraz and doing a triathlon right in my own backyard. So I giggled...and I had to relish the moment (all 50 of them, actually, because that's how long it took me to swim to shore...and another 3 minutes or so to get out of the water and up to the transition area!

The moment I emerged from the water I heard the Monkey screaming my name and then I saw Mer and then mom. Then, a sure cure for sore eyes, R____ S____.

The run from the swim to the transition area so I could grab my bike was awesome! People everywhere screaming my name...I couldn't turn my head fast enough to hear it all! I had a huge grin on my face the whole way. When I got to transition, there was Rocky, getting ready to head out on her bike. And then in came L_____. FUN! We all jumped off the boat together - a surreal experience - and now we were all safe on shore together again!

I headed out on the bike in a flash. It was so fun to ride down Marina Blvd into the Presidio, the ride I always do, and have crowds of people screaming and cheering. I rode moderately. There are so many hills on that course and I didn't want to kill my legs on the first one! The ride was great. The weather sucked but I wasn't cold at all. Riding past Robin Williams house I was so hoping to see him out there. But he wasn't here this year! I guess I wouldn't be either with the weather we were having! Up the Legion of Honor hill was not as bad as it usually is on a regular workout day. It was fun to get to the water stop at the top and see people I knew. Of course, I couldn't remember anyone's name fo some reason yesterday...but it was fun to see people nonetheless!

When I got into Golden Gate Park, K____ came up behind me. I was surprised to see him there! He is a much faster swimmer than I am...but then again, that swim was insane and anything and everything happened out there...It was so awesome to ride with him for a little bit. I think we were together for about two miles. We kibbitzed about the swim and chatted about what was ahead. Then he rode off into the fog...Up some more hills and all of a sudden, I was headed back to the transition...this bike ride was over! Then I remembered...I hadn't done a triathlon with a bike ride under 56 miles since the year 2000! So this ride - 18 miles - was over before I knew it!

The run...what can I say now about the run? I had a blast. I headed out on the run and saw FBFCP and K___ S___ and that crew of boys. They were cheering wildly for me and then I heard K____ say, "Come on Marcy...pick it up!" I had to laugh! The Monkey met me at the entrance to Crissy Field and we ran together for about a mile and a half. Then I stopped in the bathroom before starting the really hard part of the run. Ran into T____ in there. She wasn't feeling well, which sucked for her, but I was glad to see her! I kept running, smiling the whole way, running into people as they headed towards the finish (while I was just getting started!)! Then I was on the beach...running along the surf, trying to stay away from the water so my shoes wouldn't get too wet. And I had to laugh. What a gorgeous city this is! I can't believe I get to live here! And then I get to do a race here! How lucky am I!?

As I headed back to the finish I saw Rocky on the beach and gave her a big hug. I headed up that ridiculous sand ladder and smiled when I got to the top and there was great music pumping and two volunteers cheering. Then I ran it home. I picked up the Monkey again at the bottom of the stairs and we headed to the finish. I saw K___ up ahead and eventually caught up to him. After vomiting twice on the swim, he wasn't feeling too good and so he was walking. I convinced him to run in with me and we did for a few minutes. But he wasn't feeling well enough so he had to walk again. I kicked it in and headed for that line! Saw Mom, Grandpa, Gail, Mer...Mer tried to run alongside me and she was making me laugh. And then next thing I know I am on the grass headed for the finish! I heard my name - the same voice, the same friggin voice as the one who announced me across the line at Ironman! - and I was thrilled. All day long, I had so much fun! Never stopped smiling. Never stopped being grateful for the use of my body in this way. For the ability to live well in this city and to be surrounded by friends who "get it." For my family being there.

I loved it. I want to do it again and again. Every chance I get, I want to try to do that race. I can't believe I never wanted to do it before. But you know, I learned with Ironman...never say never.

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Tonight I met mommy's friend from high school. C_____. She lives in Mendocino. She is so cool. Funny how I am so attracted to women of this age! She reminded me of Mokypa...she is so down to earth and smart. She is independent, even within her marriage. She is aware. She is conscious. She is active in her community. I really connected with her! And I can't wait to go visit. I must find a weekend this summer to get up there!

There is so much more to say...about so many things. The Bush administration and its Weapons of Mass Deception...boys boys and more boys...the one who got away who still lingers!...my familiy....friends - old, new, forgotten and no longer. I could go on and on.

But tonight, I am too tired. So, until next time.

Yup...it's Saturday night at 9:41pm and I am home, Blogging. Ah, the life of a single 30 year old woman in San Francisco. Well, this single 30 year old woman in San Francisco. Actually, I am exhausted and happy to get to bed early tonight. I have packed so much into this weekend already...who needs more tonight?

Went to the movies tonight with T____. Saw "Bruce Almighty" with Jim Carrey. Now, I had looooow expectations for this thing. I mean, other than laughing at Jim Carrey and his funny faces, I did not think the movie would elicit much else out of me...and I was right...sort of. Okay, I admit it, I teared up at the cheesy love story part. But I have cried at much worse, so that wasn't a real surprise.

What was a surprise was the strange attempt at a spiritual message that you find in this movie. Strange because it's so damn obvious, they beat you over the head with it! Strange because it's a Jim Carrey movie, for goodness sake! Just strange. But I will say that for the whole walk home, I was thinking about it...the spiritual message, that is. (Okay, I admit it...I was also sort of thinking about L___, the hottie I danced with until 1am last night! But that's another story altogether!). Anyway, the message in the movie - which, by the way, you won't read about in any review...and so, sadly, I am sure it will get lost on most people, even though they really do beat you over the head with it. Anyway, the message, at least the message that I "got" from it, is that God lives within each and every one of us and it is up to us to access (or strive to access) our own divine possibility and ot see the divine in each other. That there is no external power that is pulling strings for the universe. That prayers (real prayers) are simply wishes to be able to get in touch with our own power. So, for example, when someone prays to find love, really they are praying for the ability to see the part of themselves that will allow them to love and be loved. That the power to change our own lives, and the power to have a positive impact on others' lives, is our own. And maybe that power is made possible by the existence of a God-like force or energy in the universe, but that entity is not responsible for our happiness. Anyway, I got the sense that this cheesy Hollywood movie with not enough laughs was also trying to send this other message.

That was Saturday night...But the real fun was to be had on Friday night! The Monkey and I went to the Giants game...so fun. I can't say we really watched too much of the game...surprise surprise, we were yakking the whole time! But it was so fun to hang out and catch up! We just don't see each other enough these days...I suppose it will never be enough unless we are roommates! Anyway, the game was fun and talking to that cutie from San Jose was, I think, a sign for what kind of night we were about to have. After the game, we headed to meet T____ and The Boys at The Kells...An Irish bar near North Beach. Not much of a party girl, I had never been to this bar. The Monkey and I were planning on staying for an hour or so...home by midnight to get plenty of sleep before my tri-brick workout with R____ today. As we headed in the door she turned to me and said, "Watch, we close the place down." Well, almost.

I hardly go out anymore...I am not sure why. I think a lot of it is just that I don't really do the whole drinking thing...and sometimes, actually lots of times, I feel like a bit of a freak about it. I think people think I am an alcoholic or something...or just plain square. And maybe I am (square, that is...not an alcoholic). And since I feel like a bit of a freak about it, I am not comfortable really being around people who are shifaced. First of all, I judge it. I admit it. I think that when people need to have the lubrication of alcohol in order to feel good, in order to dance, to be social and open to meeting new people, I think it's weak. I don't respect it. Because I don't need alcohol to do any of those things. And when people are really drunk, I don't know who they are...it's not real...and I am not interested in that. No, it's not right that I judge it. And I hate that I judge it. And I really try not to. And some nights, I am more successful than others. Last night, I had a ton of fun at this bar...everyone around me seemed to be drinking (though I must say, I love it that T____ can't drink while she is on that medication!), most poeple were, in fact, downright drunk. And I had a blast.

We danced. And really, that is just about all I need to have a good time. Fun music and dancing partners. And, as a bonus, cute boys! And the best part about the cute boys is that they were with us! There were the usual Boys. K____, P____, C_____. Then there were some new ones...ones I had not met before. One in particular was a total cutie...great smile, sparkly eyes, dynamic energy. And man could he dance!!! I have to say...I have not met too many triathlete boys who can get a groove on! Not the kind of groove I am into, anyway. There is, of course, the dance master, R.S. And CP, the Renaissance man who can, of course, cut a rug (what can't that kid do?). And now, there is L____.

So I have a little crush. Harmless, really. But fun. Every once in a while, it's nice to have a crush....if for no other reason than to remember I can!

I am in a writing slump. That's all I can say to explain why I am not motivated to write so much. I guess it doesn't help that I have been busy lately...work has been hopping, training is peaking right now for Alcatraz, I have been holding a full social calendar. It doesn't leave a lot of downtime for musing. I have a good topic, though...for next time, when I am ready to sit and muse. I have been mulling it in my head for a few days now. It will be my first effort at actually writing a narrative nonfiction essay.

I must start studying for the GMAT. Oy.

I cannot believe I haven't written here in five days! I guess I have been somewhat uninspired...Training and being social and working...it all takes so much time! I was sure I would be able to come up with something tonight. I wanted to write about the awesome Texas Democrats who have finally taken a page from the Karl Rove handbook and won! I wanted to write about the Wag the Dog presidency of George W. Bush. I wanted to muse about meeting Douglas Rushkoff (and turning into a mute in his presence!). I wanted to write about training for Escape from Alcatraz. About how much I love L_____ and M_____ and how much I will miss K______ if he ends up moving. About the fact that today marks exactly ten years - TEN YEARS! - since I graduated from Boston University and I am feeling like I wish I had more to show for it. A fancy title and a career, that's what I have. I am not sure what else I think I should have. But somehow I feel as though I should have had more of a positive impact on the world by now. Perhaps I have had a positive impact and that seeing it just a matter of perspective. Perspective I don't have, mind you. By the way, today is also the day we used to "celebrate" as my mom and A___'s anniversary. I suppose now we can celebrate it as the day that is no longer their anniversary!

I am excited for the big Hollywood premiere of "Hollywood Homicide." I guess that kind of thing is pretty exciting (though I am not that interested in movie stars that way) and who knows how many times I will get to go to a big blockbuster premiere with Harrison Ford! This is probably my once shot!

So, I plan to do all this writing. I really do. But today I feel like shit. Woke up with a sore sore throat and now my nose is itchy and runny and I am downning Theraflu in the hopes that I will feel well enough in the morning to go on a bike ride!

Sun, fun, friends and dancing...that sounds like a perfect weekend. And it was...well, maybe not perfect (what is?) but pretty darn close.

I am reminded this weekend of what it means to live in a place where you are surrounded by people you love and people who love you. Reminded what it means to have real friends that you can laugh with, cry with, dance with...be honest with, be scared with, be funny with...hike with, eat fish with, read the newspaper with...I suppose when you live in a city for eight years (EIGHT YEARS!), far from your familiy, you create a new definition of family...an expanded definition. And you end up with people like the ones I know, having weekend like the one I had. It helps to live in San Francisco, where the weather is amazing, the scenery flawless and the people likeminded (mostly!).

Happy Mother's Day to my mom and all the other fabulous mothers in my life!

The fight for free speech continues...I don't know why I am always surprised that forces continue to try to limit this most fundamental of American rights.

On the day of Resident Bush's photo-op of all phot-ops with that weird staged plane landing onto the aircraft carrier, he gave a speech to update us on the war against Iraq. I was listening to his speech on the radio in my car and was struck by one particular section in which he said:

Today, we have the greater power to free a nation by breaking a dangerous and aggressive regime. With new tactics and precision weapons, we can achieve military objectives without directing violence against civilians. No device of man can remove the tragedy from war; yet it is a great moral advance when the guilty have far more to fear from war than the innocent.

I do suppose this is true...our weapons have gotten more precise, the numbers killed significantly smaller than in wars past. But this seems like a strange instance to make this claim. I mean, we killed thousands of Iraqi civilians in our one-sided war against Iraq and more than 100 US military servicepeople were killed. And then we distributed a deck of cards with the faces of 55 "Most Wanted" Iraqis from Saddam Hussein's Ba'ath party on them, hoping we would find them and "bring them to justice." So far I think we have found 20 or so of the men (and woman) on the cards. Alive. And then today there is an audiotape of what seems to be Saddam Hussein's voice. Alive. And his son stole something like $1 billion from the central bank (In US currency).

So explain to me the moral advance in this case - Saddam and the rest of the deck of cards seem to be alive and kicking, possible even regrouping. Innocent civilians can barely get water in their towns, medical help, food.

The current U.S. regime has got to go. I don't want to have to wait until 2004!

On the one hand, I think we need a man like Gary Hart in the race for president. An elder statesman with a firm sense of international affairs and a solid record on domestic issues (as Senator), Gary Hart is not afraid to speak his mind, offer bold and innovative solutions and challenge his critics and opponents to engage in the debate(s). But I also like the idea of Gary Hart as a party leader, maintaining that role as the elder statesman without having to worry about what he says and, more importantly, how he says it. Outside of the confines of a campaign, Gary Hart has the freedom to open us debate about the issues Americans care about without worrying that the edited press will twist his words, that the Republicans will smear his name.

I do hope we can put up a candidate with Gary Hart-like credentials, charisma and intellect. And I hope Gary Hart takes up the role as a party leader, driving the direction of the public debate surrounding the important issues of today.

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In early March I attended the Jewish Community Federation's Western Regional Young Leadership Conference. I was excited to participate in a weekend of "Jewish" events, connecting with other Jews my age in the Bay Area and from other cities. I was ready for exposure to a new side of the Jewish community here in San Francisco, not the usual Jew crew I run into at events.

The weekend was so much better than I ever could have imagined it would be. It contributed so much to my personal journey towards defining Judaism in my life. I connected more deeply with like-minded Jews, met new and interesting people that I hope to continue to connect with. And it all surprised me because the weekend started with an opening keynote by none other than the self-proclaimed spokesman of American Jewry, the homohobe himself, Dennis Prager.

I choose not to go into detail about all the hideous things Prager said during his opening remarks...I do not want to draw any more attention to his bigotry than is necessary. But I will say this...the Jewish Community Federation of San Francisco, the group that invited him to speak at the conference, has assured it will not receive any of my charitable giving. I will funnel my Jewish philanthropy instead to the local JCC or other organizations that truly reflect the Jewish values I believe in.

I am reminded of Prager's narrowmindedness and his perversion of Jewish values by an article on Salon.com today. It is a reprint in the Andrew Sullivan column (a whole separate ugliness for another time) of a recent Prager interview in which he talks about homosexuality and its inferiority to heterosexuality. In any case, I cannot believe this guy was speaking in my synagogue to Rabbi Sydney Mintz's congregation. Rabbi Mintz - a lesbian who is a devout clergy member with a life partner and a child they raise together. Rabbi Mintz, who energizes Judaism for me and makes me want to learn more and better understand Judaism's role in my life. I cannot believe they brought this pig into her synagogue.

Certainly, in his keynote address he did not talk about his disdain for gay people, limiting his remarks to his disdain for Arabs and Palestinians. Acting as if he speaks for all Jews when he talks in the divisive language of "us" and "them" and as if the Israel issue is black and white. Worse than his remarks, actually, was the fact that this clown got a standing ovation from the crowd. Which was so upsetting because I believe that the majority of people in that audience do not know the totality of Prager's views. Sure, he is pro-Israel. Sure, he is a proud Jew. But he is a bigot who believes his moral compass should guide us all, who believes the world can be viewed as us against them...men/women, Jews/Arabs, gay people/ straight people...He most certainly does not speak for this Jew.

I am tempted to delete everything I have written in the past two days! These entries were more brain dumps than coherent essays...and I wanted my blog to be coherent essays, though I know at times it devolves into a diary-like accounting of my (not that exciting) life. So I am tempted to delete. But I suppose part of the discipline of this writing endeavor is to learn to publish when I am ready and let it go once it has gone "live." So that is what I am going to do. I will go against my own will and I will not delete the previous two days' entries. The post-Wildflower-weekend-tired-haze entries. But I had to acknowledge that I am not entirely comfortable with the content.

I was out of town all weekend - camping - so I did not have any access to newspapers or radio. I was cut off from the world outside of Lake San Antonio in Monterey County. If it did not relate to triathlon, I had no idea it was happening.

When I came home, I tried to read the Sunday New York Times that was waiting at my doorstep but I was too tired and fell asleep doing the crossword puzzle. Today, I managed to nose around some web sites in between work projects for an update on what the "President" has been up to (though truth be told, I needed the break from his antics after that bizarre plane-landing-on-carrier incident) and some insight into the weekend's Democratic presidential debate. From all accounts I read, it sounds like Joe Lieberman did a great job at making himself stand out among the group of eight candidates, not an easy task. And there is something to be said for the fact that he is the only one who has actually been part of a campaign that has already beat W. But let's face facts...Joe is not likely to win the general election. And the truth is, I do not want him to win the nomination! I am sure there are many who would think that is pure heresy coming from an East Coast Jew like me. But I just do not agree with him on so many issues. He is too conservative for my taste.

Because I know he is devout in the practice of his faith, I trust him more than most politicians to speak his truth. But he is a politician. And he wants to win. And I firmly believe that all politicians must, at some point, sell at least a part of their soul to hold onto their power - not necessarily for power's sake, but because they have changes they want to make, a way they want the world to be. But politics is more than ideas...it is a game, it is a process and throughout the course of that process, many of them seem to make compromises in order to hold onto their power. Over time, they seem to forget why they wanted the power in the first place. Anyway, I am not sure this applies to Joe Lieberman, but I am sure that on many issues - fiscal, military and even social - we do not see eye to eye. And I sometimes have a hard time understanding where he is coming from, what guides his political positions.

I think I like Howard Dean...Dr. Dean. I always thought I would support John Kerry throughout the process. After all, I worked for him and I really like his credentials. We have similar perspectives on the issues that are important to me. But I guess what I am looking for in the primary process is a true blue liberal. I need to reconnect to the causes that define what it means to me to be a Democrat. And while I think that John Kerry has the true blue credentials, I also believe he wants to win so badly, he might go to any lengths to do so. And to a certain extent, that is okay with me...because I really really really want the shrub out of the White House and only a Democrat that is willing to go to the mat will make that happen.

But so far, of all the candidates, Howard Dean is the one that is speaking to me. He says what is on his mind. He asks the questions I have. He doesn't pretend to have all the answers but he is clear about where he stands. I like that in a candidate. It is so rare. In 1992, I was a huge Bob Kerrey supporter for the same kinds of reasons. I had a feeling Bill Clinton was more electable, and I was prepared to work on his campaign when or if that came to pass. But for the primaries, for the contest of the party faithful, I wanted to put my energy where my spirit was...the ideas of the candidate, not his electability.

Once Kerrey was out and Clinton was the clear nominee, I jumped in with both feet and was unwavering in my support for most of his eight years (though his personal indiscretions were a total embarassment). I dedicated myself to the campaign without every looking back. But I do not know that I could have done that if I hadn't dedicated the primary season to Bob Kerrey.

And so maybe this time around, it will be the same way. Perhaps I will go into the contest working for Dean and if he ends up not being the nominee, I will throw my support behind whoever is (and I will volunteer on that campaign because losing the Presidential election in 2004 is not an option). Because what I like about Howard Dean is that he speaks his beliefs, even when they are against the grain, even when he knows that the media will likely twist it around, even though his Democratic opponents are likely to paint him into a liberal corner. It does not stop him and in fact, it seems to attract more supporters to his cause. I could be wrong, but it seems to me that he strongly believes in the heart and soul of the Democratic party - the social values and community responsibility that my Democratic party stands for . Meanwhile, I sent an email to the Dean campaign indicating my interest in volunteering and have yet to hear back.

Lately I have been wondering if I believe in the romantic notion of "the one that got away." I never considered myself to be someone who believes in that idea...not only does the idea seem overly dramatic, but I have long felt that what ever is happening is what is supposed to be happening and there is no turning back. Which is not to say that I do not believe in second chances, I do - certainly there is proof of that in the fact that A____ and I broke up and got back together several times over the course of four years. But I have not ever considered the idea that I may have let someone slip away...that I did not know the good thing when I had it, or that I did know it but was not ready for it and so had to let it go...and that it was the wrong thing to do...not what was supposed to be happening...But in recent days, it has actually occurred to me that it is possible there was one that got away (and if there was this one, were there perhaps more?).

He was most things I want in a partner. Sure, he was a little young, but I tend to be more attracted to the younger ones, and he possesses so many traits that I value. Smart, funny (very funny), sweet, liberal, healthy in body, positive disposition, respectful of women, sexy, expressive and generous. And a bunch of other things. He liked me, which turned out to be his downfall. As I have always said, it is all in the timing, and I was not ready for a man to be so much of what I ultimately want in a partner. It's not as if he was looking to marry me, or even date me for more than a few months. But he was so obvious about how he felt about me - he liked getting to know me and wanted to continue to do so - and I suppose I just was not used to it and was not comfortable with it. So I chased him away. I was not very nice to him at all. I sent him mixed signals, pushed him away, called him back to me, pushed him away, called him back...And finally I sent him packing.

I am ashamed of how I treated him. I asked him for forgiveness last year (around Yom Kippur...seeking atonement!)...a few months of drama with Broadway illustrated for me the good thing I let go...It was too late...he was deep into a relationship with someone else and (I think) in love with her. I heard rumors about the instability of their relationship and I sometimes wondered if I would ever get a second chance - and if I did would I screw it up again? Then he faded from my thoughts. Every once in a while he would pop up again. Something would remind me of him, someone would say his name or, more rarely, I would run into him or hear from him in email or the rare phone call.

It is only when I see him that I think of him in a romantic way and that I wonder if I royally screwed up! Within a few days - or even hours - he fades from my thoughts, not to enter again until the next time he crosses my path.

When we are in the same space, socially interacting, it is weird between us and I am sure it is me projecting that weirdness. I do not know how to act around him, whereas around me he seems perfectly natural. And though I toy with the notion that I let him get away, I am chastened by the idea that he likely does not think twice about what could have been. My best friend encourages me to explore it...to put myself out there with him again and see what he says. But I do not feel that I have the right to even offer that up, and I am not certain, with everything going on with me these days, that I could handle the rejection I am certain would follow any initiation on my part. So I retreat to the self-pity zone until a few days pass and he again fades away.

And this one...one of these days I will figure out how to make the links appear on the side of this thing! Maybe I can find someone who knows html to redesign my template...

Now this is cool. I love the internet!

I do not think I could ever be a movie critic. I think in order to be a good movie critic you need to always watch a film with a bit of detachment. I cannot imagine you are able to really lose yourself in a film as a reviewer. I suppose you can see each film more than once...the first time to really watch it and enjoy it and the second time to review it with a more detached eye. I wonder if that is what critics do. But I would also think that after time, you lose the ability to be a regular moviegoer. Even I, nothing even close to a reviewer, have a hard time watching a movie without noticing - even seeking to find - anachronisms, continuity lapses and things like that. Tonight, as I watched "Owning Mahowny," a selection of the San Francisco International Film Festival, it occurred to me that I will likely never make my writing career as a film critic! First of all, I got lost in Philip Seymour Hoffman's character. He is a stupendous talent and whenever I watch him onscreen I have trouble focusing on much else. For some reason, I am predisposed to dislike Minnie Driver and she was in this movie, too. But I cannot decide if she did a poor job, if the character was poorly written, if the director failed to bring her character out or if the editor cut in the wrong places. Whoever is at fault, I thought the Minnie Driver character did not add anything to the film. Now, I do understand that it is based on a true story (and a novel) so there is probably little room. But I also know that movie makers are known to take poetic license and this would have been a good time to do so. It's just that, the whole time I saw her character, I was hard pressed to understand why she was staying with this guy, unless she is a total loser. Frankly, she comes off as a loser and though she says she loves him, I never actually saw or felt it. I think it was probably a combination of writing and directing. And then acting. Because I just do not like her!

My sister's next movie - Hollywood Homicide - is coming out soon! It is set to premiere in June. Not sure when in June but we are hoping the week while Mom and Nick are here so we can all go down to the big red carpet premiere and see it together or else all go to the theater on opening night and see it together! Anyway, the trailer is apparently out in theaters now and she is in it (towards the end). Kind of fun! In order to see the trailer in the theaters I will probably have to go see something wretched, like Anger Management or some other awul blockbuster. So, I may have to content myself with seeing the trailer online!

What a weekend...it was so relaxing and at the same time so busy. This weekend was especially full of good times with close friends and quality time outside riding, running and swimming. I started to feel some weight be lifted off of my shoulders Friday evening. I am not sure why or how. I decided to have a mellow evening alone on Friday (even though I also decided I need to stop spending quite so much time on my own). I went for a swim at Koret. I felt good in the pool, though the guy sharing my lane was so fast (as were his training partners one lane over) and it was a constant reminder of how not fast I am! For some reason, though, it did not get my spirits down. I was swimming fairly consistently and at a comfortable pace for me, making the time in the pool go fast. I haven't swam alone - not with masters swimming - in several months, it seems. Anyway, after Koret I went down to the Marina and ran for about 28 minutes. During my run I did about five 20 - 30 second pickups. It was not too dark out when I started but was definitely dark when I finished. I got some dinner, went home, read and went to sleep. A good night's sleep.

Saturday was a great day. I went for an early brick workout. My ride was good, my run was tough for the first 20 minutes - but the last 10 felt pretty good. I need to remember that on race day...the first few miles always really suck.

Saturday afternoon Buzzie and I went to a "purse party" down in Burlingame where some woman sells knockoff Prada, Hermes, Gucci bags. I bought a few cute ones, none of which I actually need and two of which I will probably have to remind myself to use. But they were cute and I never buy stuff for myself like that so I figured, why not?

When I got back to the city I met up with the Monkey and we just went for a walk down on Union Street. It was nice to hang out...she just has such great energy and she is so nice to be around. I feel very free to say things to the Monkey that I would not say to anyone else and when I am with her, and we talk - really talk - I feel free.

Saturday evening I went over to Grandma's house and watched a movie - "Y Tu Mama Tambien." It was a really beautiful movie. I don't claim to know a lot about filmmaking - lighting, angles, color - but this film seemed exceptionally beautiful and bright. And the story was also touching and moving. Though I will say the translation from Spanish to English left a little to be desired. I mean, did they really have to have the characters say, "dude," every other sentence. And, "Want to smoke a spleef?" translated from Spanish? COME ON!

This morning I got up early to run Nicky's Rainbow Run 10k with the newly engaged A___. I knew the chances of me having a PR were slim to none. I am just not in the kind of shape I was in last year when I ran it in something like 52 minutes or so. I was on track to do it in 53 and change or maybe 54. I ran with A___ up until about mile 3.5. I considered going ahead but thought it would be more fun if we ran it together - it had been so long since we ran together at all, like we used to, and I was only really doing it because she was. But around mile 3.5 I felt like I need to run a little harder than I was. So I took off for a while and ended up catching up to Alien M___ from last year's Ironteam. We ran together for about a mile and a half. I could tell he was pushing it hard and that was fun...it was cool to run with someone who was being pushed by me, instead of the other way around. It reminded me of Coach Kate who always said, "work together." I felt like Alien M____ and I were working together. At around mile 5.5, I sent him on his way and waited for A___. That last hill is a bitch and I could tell she was already having a tough time. I thought it would definitely be worth it to do together. And it was. She had said early on that she wanted to finish in under an hour. It was close. But we ended up coming in at 59:30.

After spending some quality time with my New York Times, I went to meet M____ and K____ at Aquatic Park for a quick open water swim before Wildflower. K____, not surprisingly, did not show up. Oh well...but M___ and I went for a quick swim around the perimeter. The water was as cold and nasty as I remembered! I had not been in AP since last July. It was actually very cold at first but once I got swimming I warmed up fairly quickly. And M____ was good...waiting for me at key spots so we both felt safe out there. It started to get ugly out there and as we headed back to shore from the mouth, the waves were a bit gnarly. I swam as fast as I could just to be finished.

Then this evening I went to Sausalito for the Matzo Brie cookoff at Mama J and S____'s. It was me, Buzzie, R___, Goldie and Mama J and S____. What an awesome evening. It felt so warm and full of love and life in that house. I love spending time with the B____'s. And needless to say the H___S___'s. And Goldie brought his guitar and played and sang for us. It was awesome. I find him very sexy when he is being musical. Other times, I feel there is a negative energy between us. And, frankly, when he is being musical, there is no energy between us other than what is coming from me. But it is always nice to hear someone play and sing with that beautiful voice of his. And he is so un-self conscious. I know he has issues...everyone does. But when he is playing and singing, sometimes you can tell when he is really feeling it. Other times, you can tell he is not feeling it. Either way, he is so present and it's really quite attractive. Alas, we are not a match (not least because he wants a skinny girl and I do not come close to fitting that bill!), though I have to admit, it would be nice if we were because the family scene tonight in Sausalito was picture perfect.

I do hope that if I meet a man that becomes my life partner he has cool parents and they live nearby! Is that too much to ask?

"I'm sick of being so fucking conscious all the time. I'm like this incredible watered down version of myself." Brenda said this tonight on Six Feet Under. I must admit, there are times when I have had this thought myself.

It's probably a pretty bad idea to be blogging at work. After all, I should be working, shouldn't I? But it's lunch time and I have a conference call in half an hour and I have this urge to write a bit so I figured it's important to go with that urge (especially considering how unmotivated I have been about this blog in the past couple of weeks).

I had a mini-revelation yesterday about my current state of mental and physical health (or lack thereof!). For the past few weeks, and especially after this week's interesting knee-tapping therapy session!, I have been trying to figure out what is wrong with me? What is different now than a year or even two years ago that has me in this state? And I started thinking back to when Adam and I broke up (exactly two years ago). After we broke up, I lost about 10 pounds in the months following. Actually shed it pretty quickly and without thinking about it. And I was thinking that at that time, I was so happy and felt so light, as if a weight had been lifted. Nowadays, I sometimes feel as if the weight of the world is on my shoulders...and I have gained weight. And I realized, as I was walking down the street to meet K____ to go to the Dustin Hoffman film festival event, that what seems like metaphor was/is actually REAL - when the weight was lifted after Adam, the weight was literally lifted. Now that I am feeling weighed down by my troubles and worries, I am literally weighed down. As I was telling K____ about it, I nearly started to cry. It felt like a bit of a breakthrough. Of course, having this "information" is only as useful as what I choose to do with it. But it does feel good to at least feel as if there is an explanation for it.

I am reluctant to talk too much about work on here...Nobody from work (all four of them!) knows I have this blog, but I feel weird about saying anything for fear they may hear about it or somehoe stumble upon it. But so much of what is going on for me right now revolves around the work situation. Oh well, I guess I will have to save that for my personal journal.

Rick Santorum, Republican Senator from that lovely state of Pennsylvania, seems to be having a semi-Trent Lott experience these days. His homo-intolerant comments to the Associated Press the other day were, in my opinion, nothing short of abhorrent. As bad as Trent Lott's racist remarks, in my opinion. Of course, the establishment, and the theocrat-in-chief, will do nothing about it. After all, Santorum is a religious fanatic just like Bush is, and many of these religious zealots (and yes, the exist in Christianity and Judaism, too, not just Islam) believe that homosexuality is just plain wrong. Of course, Santorum goes that extra mile in an effort to seem unlike the bigot he is. He clarifies that he doesn't disapprove of homosexuality, just homosexual acts. In other words, it is okay to be gay as long as you don't act gay. And then he goes on to say that these gay acts are the moral equivalent to acts of incest, polygamy, bigamy and, my favorite, bestiality. As in "man on dog" as he said. This is what is running our country? Why are people not more outraged? I wonder if people are not as incensed as they should be about this kind of talk because there are so many other things going on that we need to worry about - our lying president, his over-reaching "big brother" of an attorney general, the scary hawks in the defense department, the deflated Amrecian economy, and the list goes on and on. At some point it becomes too much and we need to tune out for a bit and sit back and know, with deep commitment and sincerity, that we are going to do all we need to do to take advantage of our brilliant four year election cycles and throw out the trashy layer of representation we currently have running our country. I can only hope that we all get together and actually vote.

Shit...the conference call...

Ah...the blog juju is loooooow these days. Had a really interesting therapy session today...I think it was a good one...maybe a breakthrough? I need to sit with it some more before I declare any major progression but I have felt pretty great ever since and had a kick ass bike ride tonight and a decent run.

I love the West Wing. It really is one of the most well-written shows on television. I am not sure the acting is necessarily the craftiest...after all, they are fairly predictable characters and we like it that way. Different from Six Feet Under, which is all-around brilliantly crafted...written, directed and acted. But West Wing I enjoy so thoroughly as it is happening...The writing is so good and also so subtle...Jokes happen that I guarantee most people watching don't "get" - shit, I bet plenty of the jokes go over my head! I do think lately, though, that the show has veered a bit much away from the issues and towards the more personal story lines. I am sure some kind of market research told them to head in that direction. But I miss the more intense issue-focused parts of the show. But I do love it. I continue to love the idea that on Wednesday night from 9 - 10 pm we have the kind of President I wish we had the other six days of the week.

I am close to figuring out how to do links. The guy from the Demwatch blog is trying to dumb it down so I can understand technically how to do it. As soon as I put a few minutes together to focus on it, I will. I am very excited about it. In the meantime, I need to get my blog mojo back!

I must get my blogging momentum back soon! It has been an exhausting week and while I would love to sit and muse for hours, what I really need to do is read the paper and go to sleep! I have a busy week ahead of me and I need to start it off refreshed. I haven't turned on the television in days and in some ways, I feel like I may not know what is going on in the world but it's nice not to have that noise around for a bit.

Volunteering today at Glide serving food was interesting. I get so sad seeing all those people whose lives seem so, I don't know, ruined. I mean, I look at them and I wonder what it is like to live that life, what goes on in their heads? I watched one man eat today and as he ate his food, so slowly and so methodically and so...alone...I could not help but wonder what was going through his mind...what does he think about, I wondered? And as I thought about it, I got sad...sad because if I were to guess what he thinks about, I would probably guess that his thoughts are consumed with his miserable life and despair over his situation. Then I get sad because I make assumptions like that. What do I know what it is like to be a black man, with two broken fingers, living on the streets of San Francisco and eating Easter Sunday dinner at Glide Memorial Church's free dining room? From my privileged point of view, I can only imagine that his life is pure misery. That there are no bright spots...not real bright spots...a warm meal is not a bright spot, it's a necessity. And after seeing these people today who clearly live in such poverty, saddled with addictions and afflictions, I wonder why I have not dedicated my life to serving them or, even better, fixing the planet in such a way so that these people do not end up in such a place. The strangest thing today was when I was hanfing one man his tray of foond...He was a small, older black man who seemed to me to be "on something." And as I handed him his tray he said, "Thank you," and then somewhat leeringly added, "You so cute..." and then he started to whimper and cry. And he walked away wiping the tears from his eyes. I felt that moment all the way through me. Such a strange sensation of helplessness and shame washed over me...

Then I go to the Easter Egg Hunt at Laura and Matthew's place and I see my friends and we talk about the world and work and school and triathlons...and I think, "I like my life." And I don't feel any guilt about it (should I?). And I don't feel any special pride for my service today...it was a drop in the bucket and if it wasn't me serving that food and cleaning up that kitchen, it would have been someone else, because Glide certainly does not want for volunteers.

Anyway, I ramble. I am tired and have no mood for writing tonight. Just wanted to get a couple of things off my chest.

By the way...I am on hiatus from dating at the moment. I know I say that all the time but I really mean it this time.

Wow...what a week! Somehow I managed to host or co-host two Passover seders without a single glitch! Both were incredibly fun and full of love and laughter!

Wednesday night R____, J____ T. and I hosted a seder for 24 people at J____ T's place. It was really fun. We wrote (or compiled anyway) our own Haggadah, which is always fun because then the whole thing feels distinctly ours. I knew and am good friends with many of the guests who came, but of the 24, I actually invited five of them. R____ invited four people, too, and the rest were J___ T.'s friends. Interestingly, I had gone on "dates" with three of the guests at the table (none of my invitees though one is a good friend). Two were jDate connections, one was a New Year's, um, connection.

The three of us, being the theatrical, spotlight loving hounds we are, we started the vening with a little ditty for our guestss...we sang a rendition of "There's No Seder Like Our Seder," sung to the tune of "There's No Business Like Show Business." The crowd looked nonplussed as we sang (probably off-key) our hearts out...Hey, we enjoyed it!

For some reason, J___ T. made me the seder leader. All that meant was that I would be the person pushing things along - kind of like the director or the stage manager. It went off without a hitch...other than some of the guests being kind of rude (talking while we were all taking turns reading the Haggadah), it went really well. J___ T.'s parents were in attendance and I, of course, loved them and loved that they were there. It was as if they represented all our parents who we couldn't share seder with this year for one reason or another.

I made matzoh ball soup and I must say, it was pretty good...I just followed the recipe on the box and they turned out pretty close to perfect. J____ T. and her mom made brisket and lemon chicken. R____ made two incredible delicious salads. Our guests brought amazing side dishes: Carribean kugel, sweet potato pie, spinach and cheese "pie." The dessert was out of this world - homemade macaroons, all sorts of cakesand cookies. It was delicious and everyone chipped in to make it so. I love that.

Clean up was a breeze with all of us helping. Of course, I got to go home and not deal with the nitty gritty of clean up, like vacuuming and whatnot. But J___ T. has that uber-vacuum so it probably wasn't too too bad! Click here to see pictures!


That was Seder #1 of 2003...On Thursday night I hosted Seder #2 of 2003.

Seder #2 could not have been more different. We did this one at Buzzie and R___'s place (aka Grandma's house). I knew pretty much everyone there, except for E____'s date and a teammate of Buzzie's. But by the end of the night I felt like I knew them both! This seder was decidely smaller than the one on first night. There were (only) 14 of us and it was much mor eintimate considering we pretyt much all knew each other. There were only six Jews there, but that made it even more special because I got to share this favorite holiday with some of my closest friends.

I was kind of in charge of this one but, as usual, eveyrone chipped in to help. I made brisket (Grandma's recipe - I overcooked it!) and matzoh ball soup and a spring salad...even better than the night before! Mama J made an amazing turkey breast- it smelled so good I actually ate some...mmmm mmmmm. M____ brought a delicious side dish of carrots and honey and oranges, and JLy made an awesome noodle kugel...pretty good for a small town Catholic girl! For dessert we had E____'s homemade macaroons, D_____'s chocolate,caramel matzoh crunch (AMAZING...THE BEST PART OF THE WHOLE MEAL!), and a delicious fruit and sortbet selection from L____ and M_____.

It was a really great evening, full of love and light and friendship and sharing. When I share Passover with my close friends, I feel even closer to them because I feel like they are participating in a bit of my own familiy history. I love that!

Next year in (San Francisco? Portland? New York?)!

Sometimes I do things that remind me of my dad...nothing to be proud of, really, but important to recognize, I guess. I have this knack,as does he and as does my sister, for making people feel stupid...I guess it really is more of this propensity for thinking people are stupid and then acting on those thoughts when they prove or appear to be true. I know this about myself, and it has been pointed out to me by others, as well. I don't like this about myself and I have really gotten better at controlling it over the years...partly because I am just much less judgmental about people and am much less at the effect of people. But every once in a while someone comes along that challenges my ability to hold my tongue and,frankly, be nice.

This morning is one of those days. And in my anger at a former friend, I made one of those phone calls that I knew would go to voicemail...and believe me, I did not say what I really wanted to say. I tried hard to temper my comments and I even waited a good 15 minutes before making the call...a sort of timeout, I suppose. So what I ended up saying lacked the venom I wa sfeeling and know I am capable of. And I don't feel bad...I wrote off a friendship this morning, though the writing had been on the wall for a while...but if I have learned one thing, it's not to be treated like shit by "friends" ever again...and so today I learned not to mix business and friends...I guess I probably knew this already and over the past couple of months this has become more and more clear as this particular situation has played itself out. Or maybe you shouldn't mix business with certain friendships. Or maybe you should end friendships when they have run their course and not throw business into it out of guilt.

I am still pretty pissed right now...I don't know how to let it go other than to just let time pass and hope it will dissipate. I don't want it to live in my body and manifest itself as some kind of body toxin. So I write this and hope it helps express my feelings and let them flow out of me. I am sure, too, I will talk to Buzzie about it and she will set me straight...tell me where I am justified and where I am being unreasonable in her opinion, which I highly value. And hopefully that will help. It usually does.

I saw the most interesting thing in Mollie Stone's today. I was on my hunt for some brisket for Passover...unsuccessful, by the way...and ended up buying two bottles of kosher wine,a box of yolk-less egg matzo and a box of Passover cereal (Manischewitz frosted flakes). No luck with the brisket. As I was checking out, I noticed a sign at the checkout counter that was all about some new product, "Nutri Clean" or something like that. It's some fruit and vegetable cleansing process that removes all the pesticide residue from the outside of the fruits and veggies. So there is this sign that says somwthing like, "NutriClean is a method of washing fruits and vegetables that has been proven to remove all traces of pesticide residue. Organic is a method and system of farming and does not guarantee that your fruits and vegetables are completely pesticide free." Or something like that.

Are they fucking kidding with that shit? And you know what, I bet it works. I bet there are many people who probably believe that if they buy NutriClean food, they are buying as good as organic. Because organic is just a method of farming!!! Are they kidding? That's the worst kind of public relations and I am embarassed to be part of that industry at times (and this is one of those times)! And sure, you do the NutriClean and so you have no pesticides on the outside of your fruit...but how the hell was it grown? And what did it do to the environment? And what kind of frankenfruit is it made of? And what kind of pesticides are on the inside? I mean, COME ON! It's embarassing!

Also...I finally understand why, when I was little, my mom used to make us clean up before the cleaning lady came. I never understood that. "Clean your room!" she would say, "Dorothy is coming tomorrow." Dorothy was our cleaning lady...And I used to argue with my mother about that...because it just did not make any sense...why, I would ask her, would I clean up if the cleaning lady was coming? Don't we want her to clean...isn't that what we are paying her for? But I am having the cleaning lady come tomorrow and I need to clean up...so now I get it...

I admit it...it would be nice to meet a man that I connect with; someone to date, a playmate, a soulmate. However...I will say this...I LOVE my girlfriends! Today I spent time with just girls...Running and lunch with T___ this morning, afternoon stroll and shopping with the Monkey, lounging and Sex and the City with T____,B____ and M_____ this evening, Pesach planning with R____ and J____ T. It was, all in all, a great day full of positive female energy. These days are important to have - and T____ really needed this after her weeks with the boys in Australia - and are a good reminder that no matter how much you may hope to someday have a lifelong partnership with a man, you can never forget the power and the importance of the girls.

I miss Grandma. You would think after nearly nine years, I would better accept her death. But I think I am still in denial about it. I am excited to be surrounded by the energy of her memory at Passover, when I feel it especially strongly.

Spending the night in the emergency room is a truly unpleasant experience. I have done it a couple of times. The first time I went to the emergency room that I remember was in 1994 when I was in Boston for the weekend with R___ and I thought I was having a heart attack...We were in a hotel in Wellesley, T__ was with us and I made him take me to the hospital (it was like 1am)...he did and it turns out I was having an anxiety attack. The next time I remember going to the emergency room was in 1999...It was the night of G___'s Thanksgiving party and I was fine at the party. Then we went back to A___'s place and I could not breathe...I wasn't exactly wheezing but I was definitely short of breath...so A____ (reluctantly) took me to the ER at CPMC and it turns out I was having mild asthma...The next time I went to the ER was when I was dogsitting for C_____. It was January 2001 and I woke up in the middle of the night with some kind of eye infection. My eye was totally puffy and sore and I could not figure out what was wrong...It hurt and I didn't know what to do. I was housesitting for C____ by myself (A____ and I were pretty much broken up (for the time being)) and it was like two in the morning and I didn't know who I could call at that hour. So I had to take myself to the hospital. I put the dog in the car and off we drive to CPMC Davies Campus. Turns out I just had an eye irritation. The doctor gave me a wet towel to put on my eye, to soak it. And sent me on my way. For that I was charged something like $250!

My most recent trip to the ER happened yesterday, Friday, April 11. I woke up in the morning and noticed that I had a lot of gas that was causing me to burp. And the burps were, well, disgusting. They basically smelled like sulfur. Disgusting. But, I figured it was because I swam the night before - first time doing butterfly so I swallowed a lot of water - and then got home and ate late...so I thought maybe something was stuck or something and I was just going to burp it out. No big deal. Buzzie and I drove up to Sonoma to meet Mer...and I started to feel kind of crappy. My stomach started cramping a little and I felt like I had to go to the bathroom. We sat through the short film series and then went to the Girl and the Fig for lunch. I was so excited because they have this famous salad that I was excited to try. We got to the restaurant and all of a sudden I had to go to the bathroom...so I did. And from that moment on, I went to the bathroom, excessively, every ten or fifteen minutes for the rest of the day. Finally, at 11pm, I was at Buzzie and R___'s and I was heading home and decided to go to the ER...the burping had returned, the bathroom business hadn't abated...so I went. R____, a gem of a human being, came with me (and stayed all night, until 430am, when they finally let me leave!).

Here is the thing. I recently took my car in for an oil change...Like most people, I do it every 3000 miles or every three months. And that keeps my car in good working order. They check all the fluids, they top them off if they are low...and at critical mile markers, they take a more intense look at the car and do some preventive measures so that the car keeps running smoothly.

So my question is, why do we treat our cars this well and yet not our own bodies? I mean, sure, I go to the gynecologist for my annual checkup, well, annually. But that's it. That's all I do. I suppose I could go for a general physical every year, too, but I don't. It's not like the oil change - it doesn't take 15 minutes, it doesn't cost $30, you can't just drive in and have someone help you right away. But I wish there was the equivalent...maybe Jiffy-Gyn. Where you go every few months, no appointment necessary, general check-in with the doctor, take some blood, run the usual tests and that's that. $39.99. Wouldn't that be great?

So I spent the entire night in the ER and it pretty much sucked. But I will say this - I can't think of a better companion in the ER than R____. He kept me laughing all night long...I swear, he is like the brother I never had. I really love him like family. And he was like the best big brother in the hospital last night (even though he is younger than me and not actually blood related!).

I walked into the ER and R____ went to park the car. It was pretty crowded and I could tell I would be there for a while before I even saw a doctor. As I was waiting to check in with the nursing station, I felt this wave of disappointment that it wasn't more like the ER on "e.r." I mean, duh...that's a tv show. But still, it seemed like a mellow ER for a Friday night. Mellow but crowded. But as the night wore on the ER became more and more like the one we know on television. There was the supposedly ex-heroin addict who scratchd a pimple on his ass and it turned into an abcess the size of a grapefruit (thanks for sharing). There was the older Asian woman who kept shoving tissues up her nose. We think it was bleeding. There was the "bum" - this guy was straight out of central casting - who wouldn't give his name to the doctors or the paramedics ("ask the FBI," he told them). There was the woman whose husband rushed her in from the car - she seemed to be having a heart attack and none of the doctors seemed to be paying attention. There was the baby that kept wheezing, then coughing then vomiting. There was the homeless woman who was shaking in the fetal position on the gurney, probably from withdrawal from SOMETHING. All that, from midnight to 430am. And though I was exceedingly uncomfortable and frustrated, R____ and I laughed our asses off all night long.

While waiting to be called to see a doctor in the ER, I was watching CNN Headline News in the waiting room and I saw the most disturbing thing...First of all, at the bottom of the screen they always run those headlines. It was so bizarre to read headlines like, "Marines begin approach to Saddam's home town of Kirkuk" and then the next headline said something like, "Hong Kong considers SARS implications" and then there's a headline that says something like, "Tiger Woods has rough opening day at the Masters." HUH? Mind you, all along underneath the headlines is a running tally of NBA scores. WHAT? It was so fucked up. News about war, news about a massive health crisis and then news about golf? And basketball? Then another war headline? Are they kidding. The worst thing I saw,though, was when one of the headlines said, "Wassup for the Weekend: How about doing your taxes!" WASSUP FOR THE WEEKEND? Did I really just read that? CNN wrote, "Wassup for the Weekend" for real? It was so disturbing. What is happening to our country? What is happening to our collective intellect? Why don't more people seem to care what is happening to the media in this country? Wassup for the Weekend - I am horrified, and I am scared. I hope Orly and I can collaborate on that newsletter...

Well, I could go on and on about a lot of things...the war, talking about/debating the war (especially with friends), people who are late, Passover, training, my sensitive stomach, my amazing sister, blind dates, online dating, and on and on and on. Alas, it's 1115 pm and I am tired...

What a great night! CP came over for dinner (halibut, steamed spinach and cous cous...YUM!) and we played some guitar. I downloaded the tablature for Natalie Merchant's "Motherland" and that has become the goal song...So, I learned C and we did D, G and E minor, too. I mostly practiced going from one to the other...My fingers are so spazzy, though, so it's kind of hard to do. CP tried not to laugh at me but at one point he had to admit that my fingers are a bit freakish. Anyway, he is awesome...and I look forward to my next lesson with him!

Today the images on the television were all about the toppling of this Saddam Hussein statue in the middle of Baghdad. There was a "crowd" of Iraqis standing around as some big piece of equipment along with some Iraqis and American soldiers made the thing come down...It was surreal to watch. The newscasters (Katie Couric and Tom Brokaw) kept trying to say that it was just like when the Berlin Wall came down...It felt like a stretch to me...especially when the crowd was maybe 100 people or so. Granted, they were pretty happy when it came down - made his head something of a soccer ball, spit all over it, kicked it and generally "celebrated" the symbolism. But the crowd was small. And an American marine had to go and drape an American flag over the statue's head, signaling to the Arab world what they have wanted confirmed all along - that it is our intention to occupy...not liberate...For sure, military brass wasn't happy about that flag draping and for the rest of the morning it was interesting to hear what the messaging session yielded as they tried to spin it...but they weren't happy because it gave Al Jazeera good footage, not because it was inappropriate.

As the war nears its seeming end, I can feel myself becoming more tense and anxious about what is next. I have less tolerant for the viewpoints that cling to this notion of liberation...when it is so clearly not what our intentions are. K___ and I were exchanging emails today about a range of war-related topics and I had to nip it, because I didn't like how stridently we were disagreeing with each other...I could feel my blood starting to boil and I remembered what I hard time I sometimes have when someone else's point of view is so off-base to me that I can barely look them in the eye.

There is so much to do this weekend to get ready for the next few weeks. I need to remember that I am still recovering from my race and that I need to let my body rest. As CP said today, rest is part of my training. But it's a bit of a mindfuck, this resting thing...and since I don't feel especially worked over from the race, it's hard to convince myself that I should just be sleeping in and maybe mildly exercising, to keep my body moving...

Anyway, it's time for bed (but first I need to review the Haggadah!)...I wish I could write more tonight. There are many topics to cover...in fact, the number of topics never seems to diminish...Sadly, time is a constant and so I need to pick and choose and some things will never get down on "paper" and that will have to be okay. Or perhaps tomorrow night or some other night I will spend more time and get it all out there.

Looking forward to starting my volunteer project with Just Think...I want to get back to service....

Fun night at the Giants game with Rocky...it's funny how we pretty much go to Pac Bell Park, sort of watch the game, and mostly we catch up...she always sits in the seat to my right, but home plate is to my left...so my neck always hurts by the end of the night because i turn to face her so we can chat!

I am stressing about this weekend and whether I should go to Lake San Antonio for the Bad Ass training weekend...I don't really want to go but at the same time it could be fun. But....there is so much I can do around here - head up to Sonoma and hang out with Mer...deal on Passover planning...CLEAN...go on that date on Saturday (though I already told him I was going to be out of town...)go to L-Train's surprise party...go to Crash and Pia's housewarming...

That's it...I think I am NOT going...I think I will stick around here. Why am I so bad at making decisions these days? I think my brain is crowded right now...I have lots on my mind...of course, the usual...war, negative body image. But also work, Passover, certain boys, triathlon training. So my head feels a bit crammed at the moment and I can't seem to make decisions...

Jon Stewart is funny.

Okay...here goes my Ralph's California Half Ironman Race Report...

FRIDAY, APRIL 4
Headed down to Oceanside from LA at around 12:30pm...Mer and I had a nice leisurely morning (I slept late, which was a treat!)...woke up, had some breakfast, got my bag together for the race...then we went to meet some of the girls for "tea" for Trish's birthday...I had some decaf chocolate tea...mmm mmm. Anyway, we then stopped at Trader Joe's so I could get some lunch and water and hit the highway...

We arrived in Oceanside, a pretty little beach-y town in San Diego county, around 2:30 or so. We went through the expo, where I saw C___ and we got free samples of stuff. Then I checked in at the registration tent and got my race packet and then met up with A___ T____, who was lounging on the beach! It was pretty windy, but late enough in the afternoon that I didn't worry about it for Saturday's race. Anyway, I went back to the Expo to find something to wear during the race (nothing like waiting until the last minute) as well as some water bottles for my bike (somehow I managed to forget to bring any with me).

Then we went to A____'s hotel in Carlsbad. I went for a short 20 minute bike ride to make sure everything was in working order (the bike and my legs). It felt good to be out there, but it was a little windy for my taste! The three of us went to dinner at Vigalucci's - some little Italian bistro in Carslbad. It was actually really good food - I got some penne with scallops concoction that Mer dreamed up. It was the perfect combination of carbs and protein that I needed the night before my race!


Then, Mer and I headed back on the road to drive to Cote's place in San Diego where we would be spending the night...

I regarded it as a good sign when we arrived at Cote's building and one of her neighbors was BLASTING, "Beautiful Day" by U2. Okay, so it was a bad sign that the music was so loud, but that song holds such positive associations for me (Ironman training and race day), that I decided it was a good omen for the next day...

Cote's place was super comfy...I got all my stuff together and realized I left my race belt in LA...but I found one in Cote's office...luckily I didn't have to snoop around too much to find it! Anyway, I put all my numbers on everything - bike, helmet, race belt - made my Sustained Energy, sorted out my Endurolytes and peanut butter pretzels and hit the sack...one brief scuffle with Mer about which side of the bed we were going to be sleeping on was quickly resolved and we went to sleep.

I couldn't fall asleep right away...I was visualizing my race and then reading (yup, Truman...still reading that thing!)...I finally fell asleep around 10ish and woke up at 4am...I was actually pretty well-rested. I didn't feel especially nervous for this race and I bet that helped me sleep soundly! It's not that I was feeling especially confident...I think I was just feeling so out of sorts about the whole thing that nervous didn't even really occur to me!

SATURDAY, APRIL 5 (RACE DAY)
The alarm went off at 4am...I don't care what you are doing or what time you went to sleep the night before, waking up at 4am is never fun! So, I got up, brushed my teeth and started making my oatmeal...while the oatmeal was cooking, I put on my race outfit underneath sweats, made my peanut butter and jelly sandwich (okay, it was almond butter and apricot jam) for the bike, made one for Mer for lunch and we were soon on our way.

We arrived in Oceanside around 545am or so...we got a great parking spot right near some porta potties, where I made my first of several stops of the day! I must say, I was glad to get that over with...

Then I got my crap out of the car, took my bike down off the rack and rode to transition (about a mile or so away). Mer was going to meet me there soon...she wouldn't be able to get in (not without the magic bracelet!) but she knew my number (1744) so could find me from outside the fence...

I got to the transition area, and found my row...it was a great spot, just about in the middle of the transition area. It was the last row of bikes on the left hand side so it would be easy to find...And I got the spot at the end of the row (there were no designated spots...the row was for a certain range of numbers and the rest was up to us to figure out!)...so I had plenty of room and would not have to worry about people bumping my bike or messing up my stuff...

My wave - women 30-34 - wasn't going off until 7:33 am, so I had plenty of time before I had to get my wetsuit on. I went to find Amanda for some pre-race comraderie. She wasn't too far away (and right near the bathrooms!)...While wandering around, I also ran into Marc Lauzon and Sara Harris. I tried to find Ginger, Kurt and Crash, but didn't see them anywhere. On my way back to my spot, I hear, "There you are!" and it's Mer, IN THE TRANSITION AREA (of course)...she mouths to me, "your pill," and winks...so I know that the story she concocted for the poor volunteer who let her into the transition has something to do with a pill...Then, when I got closer, she said, "So, I put your pill in the pocket of your bike jersey." I wanted to laugh...she is too much sometimes! Anyway, we hugged and she wished me well and she went on her way...to the spectator area, I guess.

I was about ready to put on my wetsuit...it was 7am and the pros had already started (and nearly finished!) their swims...and the first wave of men was about to get going. I ran to the porta potty one last time before donning my wetsuit (even though I knew I would pee as soon as I got in the water!) and then pulled it on. I HATE the wetsuit I was using...I much prefer my sleeveless...it fits better and I swim better in it. Oh well, this water was too cold for a sleeveless...

Amanda and I headed to the swim start area...she was in the wave before me (despite being older...for some reason, 35 - 39 women went before us) but we had a lot of time before our turn. I finally saw Ginger and gave her a hug...she promised to say hi when I saw her out on the run course! She is always such a great spirit, I love that about her...she is so bad ass yet so gracious, too. I think it's rare in an athlete and I really do admire it about her! Then Amanda and I separated with "good luck" and she was on her way!

As I waited for my wave to get in the water, I had an opportunity to watch the earlier waves come out of the water...I saw Crash, which I was very happy about...I cheered for him and then headed down the ramp and into the water...my wave was about to start.

THE SWIM
As I was walking down the boat ramp to get into the water (it was a water start), I heard Mer screaming my name...."LULUBEEEEELLLLE"...She was right on the dock ready to cheer me on. "Mommy loves you," she said, so I guess she had reached my mom on the phone...what an awesome way to start!

I got in the water...Brrrr. It was colder than I wanted it to be. Not as cold as Aquatic Park, but colder than Paradise Cove...I wasn't thrilled about that but, oh well. I will say that this was the first time starting a swim that I wasn't terrified of getting kicked and beaten. I think that's because after Ironman, I feel pretty good about the mass swim start...Anyway, I got in the water, waved to my sister and then the horn went and I started swimming...It took a few minutes for me to get into a groove but I did...all the while thinking, "I can't believe I am doing this right now." It was kind of a surreal experience - doing a race on my own, with none of my training partners or good friends there...I didn't feel prepared...it was kind of weird...The beginning of the swim felt decent, though I was hating the wetsuit in a big way! Then, all of a sudden, I noticed that when I would lift my head to sight, I didn't see much of anything besides vast amounts of water...I couldn't see any bouys to mark the direction I was heading...all I could see was swelling water. Great...waves. That means it's windy. Not good. I swallowed a bunch of water and continued on my way, certain that this swim was not going to be my personal best! I was still hoping to be out of the water within 45 minutes but that hope went away when I turned around to head back in and had nothing but sun in my eyes...I couldn't see a thing so I had to trust the people around me for directional guidance!

Finally, I was nearing the end of the swim...I swam as far in as I could and right before I stood up, I predicted my time..."44 minutes" I thought...then I stood up and glanced at my watch: 43:56! I heard my sister screaming for me again and I looked up, smiled and waved...I didn't know that while I was out there swimming, she massaged the leg and feet of a man who got such a bad cramp when he started to swim that he was screaming in agony and had to drop out of the race!

So I ran (I use that term loosely) from the water to my transition area and saw Kate along the way, "YOU GO GIRL!" she yelled as I ambled past. Once a coach, always a coach!

I got to transition where I chatted for a minute with a spectator. I took my time getting my biking gear on because I didn't want to forget anything...plus, what was the rush anyway? I ended up having a 6 minute transition...not my fastest...but not my slowest, either!

THE BIKE
In a word...Oy.

I really can't say I enjoyed any part of the bike...okay, well, there was one point at which I was going 38mph but that didn't last long because it was in a 25mph zone and once I passed the speed clock (like the kind when you are driving) and it registered that I was going 38 by flashing red, I had to slow down before getting penalized! Other than that brief feeling of going downhill fast, I hated the bike ride. I don't mean to be negative but it SUCKED!

First of all it was windy as hell. Now, I don't think I am that much of a wimp but wind on a bike ride really gets me down. I find it so frustrating and defeating. It takes so much energy to push through...and it's a total mindfuck when you are on flat road but working as if you are climbing up Camino Alto!! So that was utter misery for me and I contemplated quitting, crying, or both. The only thing that kept my mind off the wind was the fact that I could NOT stop peeing on my bike!

I don't know what the problem was but at mile 15 or so, I decided I had to pee but since I was already going fairly slowly due to the wind, I would just let loose on my bike, clean off at the next water stop and that would be that. I've done it before...no big deal. Well, I peed. And once the seal was broken, that was it. I could not stop! It was actually pretty embarassing. Not to be gross but I had these streaks running down my legs from where the pee had dried...and by the time I got to a water stop, I need the water to drink, not wash, so it just stayed on me! This was especially embarassing as I passed through the water stops staffed by Marines from Camp Pendleton, where our bike ride was happening...I couldn't look them in the eye - I was too embarassed!

I did a lot of thinking on that ride...several times I dropped out of Wildflower, resolved to lose 10 pounds by Alcatraz, re-wrote a line of the song Mer was working on (Shock and Awe - sung to the tune of Chaka Kahn), thought about graduate school and sent lots of good vibes to Charlie, who was in the midst - or at least the start - of his very first Ironman down in Australia...

Towards the end of the ride I was passing some guy on his left when he muttered something about the wind..."This took me 45 minutes longer than it did last year because of that wind," he said. This actually made me feel better. Because the ride was going to take me about 30 minutes longer than I expected...I mean, it took me longer than Wildflower has ever taken me and Wildflower is a much more difficult bike ride (though this one is not as flat as everyone says it is!)...

My legs were hurting...I considered not running at all because my hips were feeling pretty worked...I didn't want to quit, though...I didn't drive all that way to drop out. And I could tell my heart rate stayed pretty steady all day and though my legs felt tired, I wasn't HURTING, so I decided to suck it up and start running and see how it felt...

So, I finally made my way through to the transition area...and though I wanted to stop peeing, I just couldn't. So when I got off my bike, my shorts were SOAKED! Luckily I had run shorts in my transition area in case I decided to do a deck change...So I did...just wrapped my towel around me and yanked off my tri shorts, pulled up my running shorts, threw on my shoes and my hat, grabbed my hammer gel and was off.

THE RUN
As I headed out of transition I continued to pee in my pants...not sure what the hell was going on but I resolved to stop at the first porta potty I saw and just take a minute to pee as much as possible so I could be done with it...As I started to run out I saw Mer...she said she would meet me out there on the course...she is such a good spectator! She supports me so well and has so much fun supporting all the other athletes, too. And I was surprised to see her hair in a cute little pony tail! It made me smile.

So I was running...and I was feeling pretty good. My legs weren't too tired, though my feet hurt a bit...And with my socks so wet from all that peeing, I knew I was in for some blisters later! Just before the first water stop I saw a porta potty. Someone had just gone in and I considered running on to the next one, but I didn't know where the next one would be and I just wanted to stop and pee in a toilet!!! So I waited and finally he came out and I went in and I peed...WHAT RELIEF! When I came out of the porta potty, I looked at my watch, which I had re-started at the start of the run...10:39...not bad...since I wasn't yet at the first mile, I could tell that my pace at that point was 10+ minute miles...pretty good for me at a half Ironman and I hoped I could keep that pace for the whole run.

I just kept on running and the course was beautiful. It was along the beach and it was so beautiful out. I had the wind at my back for the way out and it was nice not to have it in my face for the first time all day!! As I ran, I looked on the other side for familiar faces. I saw Ginger, Sara, Amanda and Christian...We all cheered for each other (I love that...once a team, always a team!)...I passed a guy with a prosthetic leg and told him, "Good job." People are amazing.

I was having an awesome run...I got to the first turnaround and headed back and was looking forward to seeing my sister. I finally saw her around mile 2.5 or so...she was ready to run with me..."Have you been running this pace the whole time?" she asked me. I told her I had...she started panting..."I don't think I can keep up with you," she said. Now, she isn't a runner...she is in great shape but NEVER runs...and so when we got to the bottom of a hill she said, "I am not running up that with you...I will wait here." I ran up the hill, got to the next turnaround point and headed back. And there she was again. She ran with me some more and then I kept going and she stayed put. I kept checking my watch...I was pretty much maintaining my slightly-over-ten-minute-miles pace. I slowed a tiny bit because I decided to walk through a couple of water stops so that I wouldn't spill the water all over myself or choke on the pretzels...

As I neared the end of the run, there was Mer again...waiting for me..."I have seen you finish so many of these things," she said..."I would rather run with you." So we ran together for a bit...Coach Kate was on the side of the road yelling to me, "Go Marcy! You're a sprinter now!!" "I am?" I said. "Yes you are!" she replied. So I picked up the pace...I was about a half mile away from the finish...I finished strong, worked my way through the crowd to the finish chute...I could hear Amanda Tucker yelling for me (her race long over!) and I was so happy to cross that finish line and be done with that thing! And I crossed, got my medal, and there was Mer (undoubtedly she talked her way in again)...I was so happy to see her...so happy to be done...

I found out that while I was out there she was, as usual, cheering for everybody and making friends left and right. As we made our way through the transition area to get my stuff together, all sorts of people were thanking her and telling her how great it was to have her out there..."You are a great rooter," someone said (we had to laugh at the word rooter!)...

I sat on a curb while she got all my stuff together (and wrapped my pee-shorts in my towel so they wouldn't touch anything else! what a good sister for even handling those things!)...And then we headed out. Into the expo to get the last of the free stuff before getting back into the car and going back to LA...

As we walked back to the car, we kept cheering in the runners who were still out there...people of all ages, including the 16 year old girl who was the youngest participant! We were hooting for this one woman who was so happy to see my sister..."How did your sister do?" she asked..."She is right here," Mer said. "She did awesome." And the girl congatulated me!! Can you imagine? With only a half mile left to go in her own race she was congratulating me...some people....

The car was close by (thank goodness she moved it so I only had to walk about a half mile to it)...We loaded it up and got on our way.

We called our mom. And that was that.

There is so much I want to write...so much to say after a weekend in Southern California...LA with Meredith and Oceanside for the triathlon...But it's 930pm and with the time change, the 5+ hours in the car after the half ironman I did yesterday, I am pooped. I will say this, Six Feet Under is THE BEST SHOW on television. It's like watching a movie every week...it is so well written and beautifully shot and amazingly acted. It is the best way I can think of to spend a Sunday night...well, maybe not the best across the board, but certainly the best as far as my current life situation, and my life situation since I first started watching the show!

Things I want to muse on in the next few days...(me and) triathlons...traffic and road rage (especially in los angeles)...boys (especially certain boys who, after a year, still have me wondering)...I guess that's it...

Thank goodness it's Wednesday (TGIW??)...it's time for President Bartlett, the one I wish was President instead of the one we have.

Before I get into tonight's "musing" session, I have some housekeeping to take care of...until I figure out how to do links on the side of the page, I am doing them here. Check out Julie Trell's blog - she just started it. It's funny that I am linking to it considering she is the only one who even almost reads this. But in case I someday take this more public, or some random happens upon my little corner of the world, I want to have the link in here.

Okay...I really love my women friends. Now, I love my men friends, but there is something about "girlfriends" that is extra special...and anyone who has them gets this. For much of my life, I usually had one very close girlfriend - maybe two - a bunch of good friends and acquaintances (female) and great connections with "boys." Except in junior high school, when there was a group of seven of us that were B.F.F.s - "best friends forever" - me, Stacy Sholkoff, Nicole Trocino, Darlene DeSimone, Dawn Bauer, Dianna Migliaccio and Jolie Gaglio. Now, the farce of that is a whole different story for a different time (I would rather not live through that again right now). Anyway, as one might guess, that didn't work out too well..and for good reason. There was a lot of gossip, backstabbing, competition and that sort of thing...

Well, here I am about 18 years later (18 years!) and I find myself so lucky to have a group of girlfriends that I absolutely adore, cherish and rely on like family. It's a big group and I wouldn't say we are BFFs...after all, we are too old to use stilly phrases like that (aren't we?)...But, as we get older, and/or mature and grow, I must say I notice a lot of similiarities between this group and the BFF group. The gossip is definitely there...I mean, we are women after all and let's face it, women like to chat and often like to chat about each other. I used to be incredibly guilty of this...I gossiped about everyone - especially after A___ and I broke up...not sure why. I am sure there is some psycho-analytic explanation, like my life sucked and I felt better about myself when I talked about other people...or, I judge myself so harshly that I therefore judge other people (projection at its best)...anyway, I have really worked on that problem of mine over the course of the last year - consciously - and I know I have gotten so much better. Don't get me wrong...plenty of times I talk shit - or just talk - about my "friends." I make myself feel better about it by not talking about the true BFFs in the group. Anyway...the point is, as I have become less of a gossip and care less about how my friends live out the details of their lives (and care less about talking about it), I have become more aware of other people engaging in this activity and BOY DOES IT BOTHER ME!!!

With girlfriends, there is also the phenomenon of "circle talk" (a great concept I first learned about from B___). I talk to Friend A...she tells me about her date. I know that Friend A and Friend B are friends so next time I talk to Friend B, I tell her all about Friend A's date...So now Friend B knows all about Friend A's date and never even talked to Friend A about it. This is circle talk. AND IT BUGS - especially if there are details Friend A didn't want other people besides you to know. I didn't understand the problem with circle talk until I was recently a "victim" of it. I was asked out by someone we all marginally knew...I told one friend, she told another friend and she told another friend. Then, we are all at a big dinner party and the third friend says, "So, I heard [INSERT NAME HERE] asked you out!" And this friend tends to gossip and doesn't really use an appopriate filter. So heaven only knows who else she told...and so the circle talk spirals downward and, by the way, people are talking about me behind my back, which is annoying in and of itself.

Anyway, I love my women friends but tonight I was reminded of how difficult it can be to move in a large circle... I was reminded that there are moments of closeness and distance with each member of the group and this closeness and distance ebbs and flows over the course of a friendship...of course, the bonds between me and some of these women are stronger than others...and with some of them I work harder to create or maintain these bonds...but I love being part of this dynamic group of quirky, beautiful, compassionate women...some brilliant, some just above average intelligence...some drop dead gorgeous, some just stunning...some fucking hilarious, some just funny....some a one-woman party, some just really fun to be around...some I don't want to go a day without talking to (though sometimes I have to), some I simply don't want to go too long without checking in...So, I hate the gossip and I hate the circle talk. But I do love the women that commit them (myself included!)!

Sometimes I think it's important to write, just to write...Just to keep up with the discipline of writing. I mean, if I am going to someday be a writer (I mean, really be a writer), I have to get in the habit of writing even when I don't necessarily have that much to say or feel like saying what I do have to say.

So I just read a news story that said something about Halliburton (Dick Cheney's old company) decided not to go for the big contracts to re uild Iraq...well, sort of. Halliburton decided not to be the primary contractor...they will still be a subcontractor. So, this is a really FUCKED UP public relations ploy. The plan is clearly to keep Halliburton's name out of the headlines...so the story will be about some other, unknown company, but really as the subcontractor, Halliburton will likely end up making most of the money (the primary probably wouldn't get the contract without Halliburton) and still keep the spotlight off the company and, by extension, Dick Cheney...How do you write that press release and then feel good about what you put out in the world?

One of these days I am going to write a funny story on here... but so far, the funny stories are not what drives me to write much.

I really like the series on Salon called, "Match Made in Heaven, Match Made in Hell" about online dating horror stories or fantasy tales. Being a sometimes jDater, I can relate to most of the stories people send in, but certainly not the ones that are really awesome - or really awful, for that matter. In fact, I recently wrote my own entry that I was going to send in about my experience with Broadway. It felt good to write it out...and I managed to make it somewhat interesting. But for some reason it didn't feel right to send it in...I don't know why. I think maybe I felt like it sounded kind of bitter. Or at least more bitter than I actually feel. Anyway, it's a cool segment. I do love Salon.com and I encourag everyone to subscribe to it because it would be an absolute travesty if it went out of business...It's the only even somewhat alternative voice within the relatively mainstream media "establishment."

Also, I love http://www.mediawhoresonline.com. But they are on vacation until April. Terrible time to go on vacation but, I guess everyone needs a rest once in a while!

I am soooo looking forward to seeing Meredith this weekend. I could really use a few sessions of just laughing my ass off...and I know I will get it with her! Everything around here is so serious...I haven't really laughed really hard in a while. I mean, Julie and I laugh a lot...but it's been a while since I have laughed really hard...so it will be nice to do that with my big sister. The drive down will pretty much suck, and the drive back will be even worse, I am sure. But I think that the time alone and away will be good for me...It's not exactly the time alone and away I was hoping for...but it's better than nothing. And hopefully the weather down there will be nice...for the race and just for hanging out!

Dinner tonight with A___ was good. I love the restaurant we went to...Herbivore. And it was pretty inexpensive. I was a little nervous at first...it has been so long since we have been friends - or friendly for that matter, as I am not even sure we were ever actually friends - but conversation was fine...It was actually nice. I just need to be careful with him. I need to protect myself. I have to remember that, because it's not my instinct to do so! But he seems well...and gentle...and the space between us feels less charged than in the past...and I am not angry anymore and I don't think he is as calculating or manipulative as he was...maybe also it's because those other feelings aren't there anymore, so I can let go of how angry I was at him for treating me poorly...Jess is right, I really need to learn how to be LESS trusting and protect myself...I am still trying to figure out how you do this without keeping people out and without being "cold" and overly-analytical. Hmmm...it's always a learning process, I guess...

Still sunburned. Now my arms, really it's more my shoulders, but anyway, now they just feel kind of leathery...sleeping is a bit uncomfortable but hopefully tonight is better than last night. I bought some aloe gel so I am hoping that works. I can't tell if it's better than the regular lotion I was using. But I guess I will trust the experts on that one!


So, earlier today I had my whole topic for tonight's blog picked out. I was talking to J____ about the whole notion of the "backslide" and how it seems to me that people our age (late 20s, early thirties) slip into the backslide pretty frequently and I was wondering why that is. I mean, why can't we just break up with people? And I was going to dedicate a whole musing session to this idea. But as I thought about it, I started to realize that I think the reasoning is pretty simple (we always prefer the known to the unknown, even when the known is not necessarily the best thing for you...and I think at this age, it's scarier and scarier when you breakup and have to get back out there to keep looking for your life partner...so you stick around, try again, hope you can make it work)...so I am not going to spend any more time on it!


Still at war. I can hardly believe it. So, the first few days, the television and the radio and the newspaper was all war all the time. Then, after a few days, it was back to regular programming. Which makes sense, I guess. But nothing has really changed about the war...so why the reduced coverage? Or is the real question, why the intense around-the-clock coverage in the first place? Is it because we thought the war would be over in three days so the networks can spare the advertising for those few days? It seems to me that the longer it drags on, the closer we get to Baghdad, the more I want to know...But alas, it's much more important that I have access to things like Married by America...because if I didn't, that would mean the terrorists win, wouldn't it? Actually, it wouldn't...


And I must say, there is something really strange about watching the footage from Iraq and then watching "a word from our sponsors." I hate to say it but, it seems somehow appropriately American. I do love America (would I love any country I called home?) and I am a firm believer in our principles of freedom. But I also think that our technology has gotten ahead of our "moral" education and experience, thus leaving us with things like Joe Millionaire and Real World: Iraq.


Buzzie and I were discussing the other day whether or not we would die for the principles of American democracy. In other words, if the USA was invaded by, let's say, some Islamic fundamentalist force who, if victorious, would suppress freedom of press, speech and religion, along with freedom of movement, educational opportunity, choice and the other freedoms we enjoy thanks to our Constitution and Bill of Rights... would we take up arms and die for the cause? She was certain she would. No doubt. I would like to think that I would...but I wonder. I think in theory, OF COURSE I WOULD. But I just wonder if I would have that kind of guts...or would I try to flee to another country where I can enjoy if not those freedoms exactly, some version of them...Who knows...I hope to never have to find out.


I heard a really disturbing thing on the news today. NPR is doing this series of "War Diaries" and today the diary was of a tattoo artist located near Camp Lejeune in North Carolina (incidentally, where A___'s brother is based) and he was talking about how busy he was in the few months leading up to the war tattooing the Marines before heading off to Iraq. The disturbing part was when he was describing the kinds of tattoos the soldiers were getting and he said he was doing a lot of religious symbols...praying hands, crosses, biblical verse..."real Crusader stuff." Scary. Is this what George Bush's daily prayers are inspiring?


I do hope that this war ends soon. I guess in my heart I know it won't...I am scared that we are going to be in this region for many years to come...Bush doesn't seem to have a true, long-term vision. I can't see where he is going with this...I wish I had more faith in him. I mean, I wish I just disagreed with him, but it's more than that. I fundamentally do not trust him and do not share his notion of America in 2003.