I just unpacked from my trip. It took me less than half an hour! I don't know why I always have such a hard time unpacking...when I finally put my mind to doing it, I learn the same thing every time - it's just not that hard and doesn't actually take that much effort or that much time.

It's my birthday on Saturday! I cannot believe I am going to be 31 years old! I don't know what it means, really...not sure why it seems odd to me. I think I just never really pictured life beyond a certain age...maybe beyond 26 or so. I don't know why. I think it's because I could never really visualize "adult" things for myself. I didn't exactly grow up with great marriage role models...and so that "dream" that little girls have of growing up and getting married, well...I didn't really experience that. Not that I didn't - or don't - want to get married. It just wasn't really something I paid too much attention to doing...I don't know what I paid attention to doing! I don't know what I thought 31 would be like. But this is for sure not what I envisioned...

I live alone. I have a great career. I am surrounded by so many loving friends and fun people to spend my time with. I do triathlons and marathons (for fun!). I live across the country from my mother, hundreds of miles from my sister and three thousand miles from two of my best friends. This is my 31. It's pretty good as far as lives go. But 31...it feels maybe a bit old...Like for being 31, I should have more to show for it. A kid maybe? A husband? A book published? An advanced degree? Maybe when I am 41 I will have all that?

GO AL! I love it! I wish he could run for President! Howard Dean should hire his speechwriter!

Hmmm. They changed this whole blogging thing. As if it wasn't difficult enough for me to use it...now they have to go change it? Well, I think it's time I buy the Blogging for Dummies book! Too bad I don't have someone from the Dean campaign doing my blog!

New York was awesome. Ironman was so fun...It was so weird driving into town...as if I was just there; as if one year hadn't passed since I crossed that finish line. I got really excited to watch the race...and even more excited to watch Buzzie and Ern and the rest of the kids do it! Buzzie cut it up out there! She had a great day...in spite of nonstop rain on the bike! Her marathon was 4:58! And that included walking! She kicked butt and I was so psyched for her to finish and finish strong. Her smile down the finish chute was unbelievable! I tried to get a picture but I may have been jumping up and down too much!

Unfortunately, the weather wreaked a bit of havoc with Ern's day and she missed the second bike cutoff by a mere nine minutes!!!! ARGH! So frustrating for her, I am sure. That is an ass-kicker of a ride - even one of the pros said he was going downhill at 9mph at one point because of the wind! So, she didn't get to cross the finish line! I was so bummed for her because I know she wanted to have that finish line feeling. Having crossed the finish line myself, I can assure anyone that the real work is getting to the start line, which she did. But sometimes it takes crossing the finish line, as it did for me, to realize that. So, Ern signed up for next year! She is going to do it again! YAHOO for her! I am so excited for us to be there together and be out on the course together and hopefully do some training together!

I have been totally out of the political loop since I have been away. It has been nice in a lot of ways, but I also felt a little cut off from the rest of the world...read the New York Times today for the first time in two weeks and realized just how much I love it.

And of course being in New York made me realize just how much I love it there. Not just the city, for sure I love that city. But I love being there. I love the friends I have there. I love that home feeling I just don't get anywhere else (except when hugging my mom). I hate the humidity. Really, it was brutal. And I wonder if I could live there again...it's so crowded and noisy and dirty. But it's home. I think. Or is this home? I don't know. But let me tell you, if Arnold Schwarzenegger becomes Governor of California, I will be packing my bags sooner rather than later.

Some study came out that said that people were leaving California to go to other states...as opposed to in the past when California was the promised land. I guess I find it hard to believe that people will be beating a path to our doorway with the Terminator as our Governor.

I just cannot get over how much fun I had in NYC and how great it was to hang out with old friends...I cannot believe I re-connected with kids from Howard Beach! It was so great to see them all...everyone looks exactly the same and everyone is doing so well! Is it weird to feel proud of people I have not been in touch with for 17 years? Maybe a little, but I am!

Joe and his restaurant! Candela on 16th between Park and Irving! It was so delicious! And he is the Executive Chef there! The food was awesome, the desserts were out of this world (especially that chocolate one) and the group was a blast!

Juliane, the successful corporate lawyer, happily married for eight years! Stephen, the successful solo practitioner lawyer, living with Joe in Battery Park City! I am telling you, that guy will be Mayor of NYC one day! Rob, in advertising and living on the Upper East Side with his beautiful new wife (who, incidentally, went to Dalton with Le'D)! Karyn, newly engaged and so happy about it! Stacey, happily married and a teacher for 11 years (she wasn't there but we chatted the next day by phone)!! Simon, living in LA and working as a lawyer (he called during dinner). Ian, living in San Diego, a licensed therapist (he wasn't there, but they told me). UNBELIEVABLE!

Anyway, it was so great to see them all and I really do hope we all keep in touch, even if it's just an email now and then to say hi and update each other on the paths our lives are taking!

I also thoroughly enjoyed spending time with Vaness. We had such a great time. So much quality time together talking and just deepening our already phenomenal friendship! I love that girl and I hope she gets every single thing she ever could hope for in her life!

PJ was also great to see. I love how our friendship has developed more since he moved than when he was living here.

It was, as it alwalys is, so great to see P____ L____. I love that guy! He is such a good friend and I so value our friendship. I hate that we live so far from each other. And I hope that things workout for him and R____. She is sweet and clearly in love with him and it would be nice for him to be with a woman whose first order of business is not relationship drama.

All in all, an amazing trip "home." And now that I am back in SF, I remember what I love about it here...the weather, the view, my friends here. I have to remember that I cannot expect to have as many friends here like the ones I have in NY. I don't know people in SF as long as I have known people in NY. So certainly I cannot expect to have the number of deep, close friendships with people I have known for a relatively short time that I have with my old NY posse.

Hm.

Holy shit...what a night! I went to something of a reunion with people I have known since kindergarten! Karyn Ammirati (with fiance), Juliane Kowalski (don't know her married name), Stephen Markman, Joey Macri and Rob Sena (with his wife who, incidentally, went to Dalton with Le'D!)! We met at Candela, Joey's restaurant where he is Executive Chef and part owner (I think)...it was awesome! The food was fantastic, the people were so fun! Everyone looks EXACTLY the same. I hadn't seen them since 1986! 17 years. Well, I saw Karyn a few years ago but hadn't seen the rest of them since my family moved to the city after junior high school! And everyone is so successful! Juliane and Stephen are lawyers, Joey with his restaurant, Rob does something with advertising and Karyn works at an executive search firm!!!

I have so much more to say about the evening but must go to sleep, as it's 130am in NYC and I am TIRED! I will say this, Joey Macri turned out to be quite a hottie...mmm mmm mmm.

Wow...I haven't written in a loooong time. It's hard to write on the road. I actually won't write much here except to say that I cannot believe I signed up for Ironman again! What am I thinking? I swear, I will be single and childless forever if I keep this up!!!

But it will be fun, I think...the group is a really fun group, though I am intimidated by their athletic abilities! They are all pretty much super studs...well, so be it...perhaps it will help me to get faster.

Much to say, no time to say it for now...I do love New York, though. It sure does feel like home after only a few hours!

TIRED!

I keep seeing Howard Dean bumper stickers around town...I think I am ready to commit...I think I am going to get one...

Check him out for sure...it's worth it.

www.deanforamerica.com


Even better is his blog - www.blogforamerica.com - and all the supporters' comments...I love it.

It's been a hard week to get any blogging done! It's one of those busy weeks, and when I do have a few moments to spare, I feel as though I should dedicate them to studying for that g.d. GMAT or sleeping...nothing so self-indulgent as blogging.

I am taking just a few minutes out of my workday to blog because I am feeling the need to get some thoughts down. I feel a tide turing against (p)Resident Bush and his team of cowboys. I am sorry to see that George Tenet is being made a fall guy, but something about this whole Niger/yellowcake thing smells like Rummy to me...

The other day, Bush made what I believe is one of the more incredulous statements of his presidency. He said (AND I QUOTE):

"We gave him a chance to allow the inspectors in, and he wouldn't let them in."

Is he kidding? This, need I remind people, is the same man who accused his opponents of being "revisionist historians." Pot. Kettle. Black.

I am liking Dean more and more and his efforts - and ability - to connect at the most grassroots level.

His blog is awesome and if I ever figure out how to get links on the side of this thing, I will link to it there.
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Go Lance!!! I hope he wins...awesome display of talent the other day avoiding that crash, pulling a little cyclo-cross move! I love it! He's just such an amazing bundle of athletic talent.

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Go to www.DontAmend.com and click on the link in the upper left corner.

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Looking forward to heading east for a few days...need a NYC recharge!

Maybe business school is not the right move for me...I mean, I really want to go. And I love the idea of double majoring. But I do not know how I am going to re-learn all that math from high school. I literally have not taken a math class since I was 15 years old...that's 15 years. The last math I took was trigonometry in 11th grade (with Mr. Michaels). I did not take calculus because...well, because I didn't have to and really had no desire. I scored high enough on the SATs that I was not required to take math in college...So I didn't (again, if I didn't have to and didn't want to...why bother?)...

Here I am 15 years since my last math class (which I aced, by the way, and aced the Regents exam, too)...and I cannot seem to get simple quadratic equations to work for me. I took the GRE in 1994 without studying. I did call my sister the night before and ask her how to find the area of a triangle. And then I took the test and I was fine. I actually did really well...I even did better on the math than the verbal! Then I took the LSAT in 1996...to say I aced it is an understatement. I scored in the 98th percentile...Not bad. No math. No law school either (decided not to apply - yes, I see how some might construe this as a trend of sorts...I am hoping it is not). So here I am in 2003 - seven years since my last standardized test, 9 years since my last test involving math and 15 years since my last math class...and I am going to try to take the GMAT? Maybe journalism school is a better idea. I will happily study for and take the GRE again. I think.

Howard Dean is a genius! Well, the folks running his campaign are, anyway! I have been trolling around his web site and blog recently because the more I read about him, and the more I connect with other Dean supporters, the more I know he is the one for me right now!! I participated in the Adopt an Iowan campaign...a brilliant idea! I wrote letters to three Iowans asking them to consider supporting Dean in the Iowa caucuses early next year. I wrote the letters on Independence Day. It seemed fitting somehow. And I loved feeling part of the campaign. The Dean campaign has a legitimate grassroots movement propelling it forward. I love that!

I took notice of Howard Dean when I read an article in the New York Times about his campaign's use of MeetUp.com. I was intrigued. Here was a candidate who, strictly by using the Internet, managed to attract 4,000 (presumablly young) people to a campaign event for a little known Northeastern former Governor! Of course, I immediately checked out the MeetUp site. But before I could sign up for Dean, I had to check out his site. That's when I saw his extensive web presence - his deep site, his blog, other blogs dedicated to supporting him...And I have been reading about him there. And I read other articles about him. And I like him. And I voted for him in the MoveOn "primary" a few weeks ago. I haven't made the leap to donating money to him yet. But let me tell you, it's not because he isn't making it easy to do!

The latest brilliance of this campaign, in my opinion, is its use of the Internet for fundraising. Much ado was made about this at the end of last month, the close of the second quarter fundraising deadline. Cowboy in Chief raised about $30 million or so and everyone marveled that Dean raised about $9 million. And marvelous it was - he raised several million of that in the closing days of the quarter ONLINE! Today, as I was perusing the Dean campaign site, I started to giggle at what I consider to be one of the most innovative things I have seen in a long long time...

The Dean campaign has created a mechanism by which anyone can create their own web page, as part of the Dean site, and use it to raise money for the candidate! So, I could go and get my own page on the Dean For America site, send the URL out to everyone I know and try to drive traffic to the site and raise money. Imagine this - thousands of independent fundraisers enlisting the help of their friends and families to give money to the Dean campaign! IT IS SHEER GENIUS and I love it! It seriously made me giggle out loud...I sent P___ L___ an email demanding that he call me as soon as possible so we can discuss this!

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Started my GMAT prep class tonight. The teacher was okay but there was one woman in the class who will drive me nuts, I know it. She asks too many questions...and many of them seem to be irrelevant! I know they split up the classes after the first one and I am hoping she and I do not end up in the same one. I know I will not be able to survive a class with her.

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I would like to write a book.

Does anyone ever read this thing? I wish someone would read this who could tell me how I can change my template so I can put links on the side of the page...I see so many blogs that do this and I cannot figure it out! I am so techno-illiterate!

Well, until I figure it out, I will continue to pretend people look at this thing and add links in the body of the musings.

Check out this one...it's one of my favorites these days.

More to come tonight...This is a promise more to myself than the sprinkling of people who manage to fall upon this site looking for information about things like Robin Williams house and Vigalucci's (Google searches that bring this blog up!)!

Great article....Read it here.

I could go on and on about the ridiculous man we are calling our president these days. His cowboy comments like, "Bring it on," that can only serve to incite the Iraqi insurgents who are threatening our troops (and sometime soon my friend C___ who is headed there!) are useless and furthermore, they are unbecoming the leader of the free world (don't think it doesn't pain me to refer to him this way).

Why, I wonder, is there no Democrat willing to stand up and make the American people and the press take notice of this dangerous man? Isn't it worth the risk to one's own political viability to do the right thing for the American public? Why can't the Democrats take some money...enough for one television ad...and run a commercial spot that lays his hypocrisy bare? Remember the Jon Stewart clip, in which he did a side by side of Governor George W. Bush during the 2000 Presidential debates and (p)Resident George W. Bush during his scripted press conference and exposed his penchant for talking out of both sides of his mouth? Why can't the Dems run an ad like that? So what if people get pissed off? Since when are we a bunch of pussies? Is there not one true Democratic leader willing to forego his political future as an elected official in order to ensure that this country is pulled back from the treacherous path we are on? Yes, I am calling on someone, anyone credible in the Democratic party, to fall on his or her sword in the name of the future of this country.

A little dramatic, yes. But I would do it.

I wonder if anyone in America knows (or cares) that Liberia is an African nation founded by former American slaves.

I was listening to the radio the other day (NPR, of course) and there was a story about an elderly woman who could barely afford to buy the medication she needs to be able to stay alive. She actually was not that old - I think they said she was 70 or so. But she was on Medicare and slowly but surely, over the past several years, her prescription drug coverage has diminished and now she pays some obscene amount for medicine that keeps her alive. "Again, this health care crisis," I thought to myself. But as I heard the woman list off the various medications she takes, I started to have a different point of view. She has one pill that helps lower her cholesterol. Another helps her control her adult-onset diabetes. And another helped keep the bood flowing to her heart. And then it occured to me. We don't have a health care crisis in this country. We have a disease care crisis. Because we don't have a health care system, we have a disease care system. We spend time and energy helping people get better once they get sick; we focus on curing disease. And we call it health care. But that's disease care. Why don't we spend more energy preventing the disease in the first place? Seems to me that would cost a lot less money and help keep the health care companies in business longer. Instead, we spend all our money trying to UNDO the damage people have done to themselves by not eating properly, by not exercising, by smoking. And then we spend a ton of money medicating ourselves so we won't get too depressed by all our illness and disease.

A health care system would focus on educating people from a very early age about proper nutrition, exercise and lifestyle habits that promote wellnes. A health care system would be designed to help families figure out how to pursue healthy lifestyles with limited resources. A health care system would encourage research about how to stay well, not how to get better. A health care system would thrive when people are disease free. And a health care system would ensure everyone has access to these services so that fewer people succumb to diseases that could have been avoided.

Nope, we don't have health care in the United States. We have disease care. And our disease care system sucks.

What I don't understand is some Democrats' obsession with the idea that we have to put forth a candidate who is electable, rather than a candidate who can give this country what it needs. I fail to see the two as mutually exclusive!

Since when did standing up for human rights, civil rights, women's rights, families' rights, children's rights, the right to health care, the right to an education, the right to a fair justice system, the right to be told the truth by our elected (and appointed) leaders, etc. make a candidate UNelectable?

It is this mindset - the alarming trend towards making all candidates so similar that the difference between them cannot be seen with the naked eye - that has gotten us where we are today...saddled by a system in which only the money wins and in which the masses simply do not participate.

We should not have do dumb down our candidates because media consultants think they know what the American people want. The American people know what they want - they want jobs that pay them well enough so they can at least feed themselves and their families, they want health care that won't break the bank, they want the government to stay out of their private choices, they want a justice system that's fair, they want their kids to have educational opportunities, they want to know that the words coming out of their leaders' mouths are more likely to be the truth than not, they want to feel safe in their homes and in their communities and on airplanes!, they want to pay their taxes - their fair share of taxes, and they want to know that when they retire, someone will be there to make sure they aren't left out in the cold.

That's what Americans want. Now we just have to vote for it. The candidate that offers it is the one that is electable!

I am very concerned that at the end of the summer, one of the current Supreme Court Justices will retire. And if it doesn't happen this summer, it is bound to happen some time before the Bush Residency ends..which means, of course, that some wing-nut will probably get nominated to the bench. But I must say, though I am often disappointed with the current right-leaning majority on the court, today we as a nation have reason to celebrate. Affirmative action has been preserved. By a 5-4 decision. While special points systems have been struck down, the central tenets of affirmative action have been upheld by the court. HALLELUJAH.

It's been a while since I had an engaging discussion with anyone about affirmative action. It is such an emotional issue for me. It is one of the issues about which I feel most strongly. I am not sure why I feel so strongly - I am a middle class white girl. Sure, I am Jewish...but that has only contributed to my opportunities in life, not hindered them. Yet, I feel it in my bones, the way I do a woman's right to choose or the injustice of the death penalty. I worked on the campaign to save it in California...and when we lost...when all the people of California lost...I was so dejected I quit politics all together and went to work in the private sector where I would not grow so emotionally attached to my work.

Many years ago, I decided to keep my feelings about affirmative action to myself. It was easier to bait me into a heated argument about affirmative action than it is to give candy to a child. And invariably, I would become so enraged and feel utterly crushed if the person I was arguing with did not believe that affirmative action is necessary; that the ridiculous phrase "reverse racism" would be used; that they would conjure up some story about how a deserving white person was on the losing end of affirmative action...someone always knew someone who lost a spot at a school, on a team, in a club because a minority candidate got it...that offensive belief that the only way a white person could be rejected was because some undeserving minority was accepted in his place...and the other side of that equation being that the only way a minority person could be accepted was by displacing some more deserving white candidate, but not because he or she was deserving in his or her own right. These arguments would make me nuts. I even found myself one day arguing...practically screaming...at the top of my lungs in the middle of California Street after getting off the bus from work one day. I was arguing with a friend who claimed that he was the "victim" of affirmative action. I didn't understand. He went to private prep school on scholarship. Then he attended Princeton on a football scholarship. And he got his job because he knew someone from Proinceton who knew the person doing the hiring. Yet somehow he believed that he was victimized by affirmative action. Because he didn't get into his first choice prep school and some nameless, faceless minority person did and therefore they took his spot. Nevermind this guy was, as my sister would say, "dumb as a box o' rocks." We haven't spoken since. That was 1997.

And when A___ and I started dating we would get into political discussions and he would express his opposition, or at least ambivalence, to affirmative action. And I would find myself talking down to him, then getting angry with him and losing respect for him. So I decided to keep my affirmative action feelings to myself. Race issues are very hot...chances of me convinving someone to see my point of view are as slim as me seeing theirs. So I determined that it is simply not worth it to argue, strain relationships and lose friends.

But today is a happy day. Nuanced as it is, the decision is unequivocal...as Justice Sandra Day O'Connor said, "Student body diversity is a compelling state interest in the context of university admissions...Race-based action to further a compelling government interest does not violate the [Constitution's] Equal Protection Clause."

Until I figure out how to put links to other sites in the sidebars of this page, I have to keep putting them here. I found this site today. I like it.

Now this is what I am talking about...this is the kind of thing I want to be hearing from a Democratic presidential candidate! Finally, another donkey besides Governor Dean coming out from the Democratic wing of the Democratic party...

I think John Kerry has been feeling the heat lately and is starting to step up. He has been vocal about the administration's deception surrounding WMDs in Iraq and now this. I knew that year I worked for him in Boston was for a good reason! He's back!

****June 20, 2003 | WASHINGTON (AP) -- Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry said Friday that he is prepared to block any Supreme Court nominee who would not uphold the Roe v. Wade decision that legalized abortion.

"I am prepared to filibuster, if necessary, any Supreme Court nominee who would turn back the clock on a woman's right to choose or the constitutional right to privacy, on civil rights and individual liberties and on the laws protecting workers and the environment," Kerry said in remarks via satellite at a meeting of Democratic party officials in St. Paul, Minn.

"The test is basic -- any person who thinks it's his or her job to push an extreme political agenda rather than to interpret the law should not be a Supreme Court justice." ****

I have never worried about health care coverage. I guess I have always had it and, during the few months I did not have it back in 1995, I did not really care. My mother pressed me to get it, though, while I was unemployed, and I signed up for some kind of individual program. My next job was with such a small company, I maintained my insurance and my employer paid the monthly premium, which at the time was, I believe, $49 each month.

Other than my brief three-month hiatus from the healthcare system, I have never thought twice about insurance. For as long as I can remember, I have gone to the doctor as much or as little as needed and to the dentist more than I would have liked. And while I have long been aware of the health care crisis facing our nation, this awareness has come primarily from my work on political campaigns and my lifelong interest in politics and public policy.

That ended for me last week when I learned that my mother’s boyfriend lost his health insurance. Apparently his company is too small to qualify and, due to his own financial pressures, he opted out of Cobra and its $300 a month fee. For any person to be left without health insurance simply because he or she cannot afford it is in my opinion unconscionable. When you take into account this particular man’s current state of health, it is downright cruel.

You see, in November, my mother's boyfriend N___ had a heart attack. At least we think it was November. The actual timing is unclear because he only found out about it several months later when he went to see a doctor on an unrelated matter. That doctor told him he appeared to have had a “cardiac event” and sent him to a cardiologist who confirmed the diagnosis. At the doctor’s suggestion – and my mother’s insistence – N___ quit smoking after more than 40 years. But he never went back to that doctor again.

The unrelated matter he had gone to see the doctor about initially was a hip injury he sustained as a result of a motorcycle accident in the mid-1990s. The injury has steadily gotten worse and he is barely mobile these days. In fact, the other night we were walking to a coffee shop and after one city block, he had to stop and hold onto a parking meter and rest. My mother was fed up with his immobility and pleaded with him to go to a doctor. Finally he relented. But the doctors could not tell him anything in that one visit. And he never went back.

Then there was the doctor that told him he was diabetic. This was not a surprise to me. He is overweight, has terribly unhealthy eating habits, was a lifelong smoker and is about as sedentary as a person could be. A natural candidate for adult onset diabetes. But he only went to this doctor one time.

And then he lost his health insurance.

So now what? The truth is, I care less about what happens to him than I do about what it does to my mother. She has watched his health steadily deteriorate. She seems to care more about his health than he does. It infuriates her. She finds herself angry at him and feeling trapped. Because the way she sees it, she has two options. One, she can continue to live with him, prod him to take care of himself and hope his company or he finds an alternative health care provider. And she can live with the knowledge that he is slowly – though probably not that slowly – killing himself and that she will one day wake up, as she says, “With a dead guy in my bed.”

Option number two? She can marry him. But she does not want to marry him. If she did, she would have done so by now, six years into their relationship. She has been married before (twice) and does not want to go through it again. She is perfectly content to live with this man, share her family with him, embrace his family, make improvements to the home they own together, take vacations together, wake up together each day. But not as husband and wife. She knows that marriage changes things and she does not want to bring that kind of change into their relationship.

But he needs health insurance. And she seems like his best shot for getting it. If they get married, she can cover him on the plan she gets through work. Despite her company’s huge size and claims about commitment to diversity, it does not offer domestic partners benefits. And so the only way for her to help him get insurance is to marry him. Which she simply does not want to do.

Of course there are other choices. But she does not see them – at least not yet. So she is stuck. And angry.

And I am angry, too. Angry that there are people living in this country of freedom and prosperity whose lives are at risk every single day because they cannot afford to pay for what passes as health care these days. And I am not just talking about an overweight, sedentary, ex-smoking diabetic.

I am talking about millions of children whose families risk financial devastation simply because they walk outside the front door everyday where there are swerving cars, buses that run red lights. Where they run around, like kids should, on concrete playgrounds. Where they swing from monkey bars and play on a seesaw.

I pray my mother does not get married again. But if she does I will understand. Because it is too unfathomable to imagine that a man would die because some insurance company deemed his workplace too small to qualify for coverage and he cannot afford medical care without insurance. So to make the system seem less fucked up, you take drastic measures – like marrying someone you do not want to marry – just to feel like you can do something about it.

Infuriating.

When I first started this whole blog process, it was because I needed an outlet to express my thoughts about the war and the state of the world. This seemed like a good way to do it. As time progressed and I became more and more comfortable writing about things mundane, I started to use the blog as an overall expressive device. A way to say what I think about...well, about whatever I happen to be thinking about when I log in. I like it for this purpose. Tonight I considered using it in a different way...Tonight I considered using the blog as a passive aggressive tool tp get someone to react to something I write here.

I was going to write about "the one that got away" that I often muse about in this space. I was going to say how I saw him tonight and, as usually happens when I see him, I fought urges to call him and ask him for another chance. Actually, I went so far as to pick the phone up out of its cradle and prepared to dial. Then it rang. P____ was calling from New York...so I didn't make the call...yet. Anyway, I was going to use this space to say how I wanted to call him but don't have the guts and how I wish I could have a signal from him to know if I should go ahead and approach him about something as harmless as a date. And then I was going to hope that maybe, by some fluke of nature, he would read my blog, know I was talking about him and put me out of my misery! That was my plan. It sounded good to me. It seemed like the least risky way to deal with how I am feeling about him.

But I know full well that approach is not a good idea. So I called (eek). And luckily he wasn't home (or wasn't answering) so I left a message. And instead of saying, "Call me back," I said something IDIOTIC like, "Well, I guess I will see you online or something." I cannot believe how inept I have become at dealing with men!

Seeing him tonight was a little strange, as it always is, because I am always struck by how attracted I am to him. He has the loveliest hands... And I couldn't stop looking at them tonight. But the strange feeling tonight was exacerbated by the realization that I know his ex-girlfriend - she is a friend and co-worker of J___ T____. She is the one he was dating right before he and I started dating. The one who wanted to still be with him (I think I am remembering that correctly). The one who sounded similar to A____ in the role she played in their relationship and the role A___ played in ours. They are still friends and, by way of J___ T____, she was my connection to the party tonight. Tonight, when I saw him there, after I said hello to her, he said, "Is ____ your connection to this party?" And I said yes and asked how he knew her. "This is ____," he said, with a smirk in his tone. And then it hit me. I understood why her name always seemed kind of familiar to me. And I had to laugh. This was the ex-girlfriend, who clearly did not know that he and I knew each other, let alone dated (confirmed later by the fact that she asked me how I knew him) or that I still ache for him. It added a level of complication to my feelings about him. But drama is only what you make it. And there is nothing to see here. No drama.

Meanwhile, all I want is for him to give me another chance. I think we could be really good together. Or not. But I want to really give it a fair shot this time. Though I understand that many people don't get one chance, let alone two. And so why should I?

Two nights in a row...out until 2 am! And another party tonight. This is a little bit much for me. But with the family gone and the race behind me, I also needed to let loose and have one of those weekends that don't come around very often.

It's too sunny outside to be in here writing...But I spent the whole day outside and I need to rest up before the next big adventure tonight!

I was so sad to see my mother go. I hate it when she cries and as we hugged goodbye yesterday she squeezed me so hard and started to sniffle...Then she lost it a little. She whispered in my ear, "Let's run away together to Mendocino." That sounds like fun. I wish she would really consider it. I think she needs to be here, on the West Coast, where her children are. We are clearly never going to move to where she is...I hate it that she movied to Florida. I really don 't imagine I will ever want to live there.

I love her, though, and I want her to do the right thing. Marriage is not going to solve N____'s health problems...and it will only make worse whatever financial strain she already feels from him...Most importantly, she does not want to be married. She is so sad and so angry an she hates to be that way...it tears her up. And I hate to see her so upset. I hope next time she comes, she does so alone...So we can play and walk and not be encumbered by his immobility or stubborn insistence.

Why is it that I am capable of having a deep well of compassion for people I have never met - the plights of os many underserved and underprivileged people around the globe...but sometimes I cannot even find it in myself to have the most basic compassion for people closest to me?

I love my mother with so much of me that sometimes, being around her exhausts me. So much of me is loving her and wanting what is best for her and fighting my instincts to reach out and save her...it tires me out. But then she goes and shows me that she doesn't need saving...I just don't give her enough credit sometimes. I hate that. But I love that she really is okay.

I do feel like my battery has been re-charged. Like I am filling up with momma-love until next time I see her. It is such a good feeling to receive such unbridled love, from her and from grandpa...to know, to feel it in my body, that they love me. I will forever be grateful for that. No matter how nuts they make me!

If I could just find the time to write it all down...It's all building up inside of me but between work, Alcatraz training (and doing) and now family visiting, I simply have not had (or, really, made) the time.

I did the Escape from Alcatraz Triathlon this weekend. Holy shit. What an event. I have NEVER had so much fun doing a triathlon! Now, Ironman...well, that was a whole different ballgame. That doesn't count. But as far as triathlons go, half ironman, Olympic distance, sprints, relays...this was THE MOST FUN! I am so glad I did it! I thought I had lost my tri-vibe. I hadn't been into it all season long. All the training felt burdensome. I was feeling quite burnt out. The race I did in April wasn't fun...Much as I loved the finish line, the race itself was no fun. Wildflower, well, I didn't even do the whole thing. And what I did do was fine...but I would not say it was fun. So I really was not looking forward to Alcatraz being fun. I knew it would be a challenge. I thought it would be very hard and I was especially scared of the swim - it's legendary in these parts! And I know the bike is short - just 18 miles - but everytime I have done the route, it's been quite a difficult 18 miles. And that run! * miles of either up or down...lots of up, including that sand ladder. And the running on the beach...So I knew it would be hard. And I expected that when I finished the finish line would feel great. And that would be fun.

But never did I expect to have fun throughout the day! Okay, I did not really like the swim too much. At one point, per A___'s advice, I forced a giggle. She said I would giggle, and it wasn't happening naturally, so I made myself. Truth is, I was scared. But at the same time, I kept reminding myself that I was, after all, swimming from Alcatraz to the St. Francis Yacht Club. Sure, there were huge swells in the water (so much so that the pros swam a good 5 - 10 minutes slower than usual), and I was disoriented the entier time...But...I was swimming from Alcatraz and doing a triathlon right in my own backyard. So I giggled...and I had to relish the moment (all 50 of them, actually, because that's how long it took me to swim to shore...and another 3 minutes or so to get out of the water and up to the transition area!

The moment I emerged from the water I heard the Monkey screaming my name and then I saw Mer and then mom. Then, a sure cure for sore eyes, R____ S____.

The run from the swim to the transition area so I could grab my bike was awesome! People everywhere screaming my name...I couldn't turn my head fast enough to hear it all! I had a huge grin on my face the whole way. When I got to transition, there was Rocky, getting ready to head out on her bike. And then in came L_____. FUN! We all jumped off the boat together - a surreal experience - and now we were all safe on shore together again!

I headed out on the bike in a flash. It was so fun to ride down Marina Blvd into the Presidio, the ride I always do, and have crowds of people screaming and cheering. I rode moderately. There are so many hills on that course and I didn't want to kill my legs on the first one! The ride was great. The weather sucked but I wasn't cold at all. Riding past Robin Williams house I was so hoping to see him out there. But he wasn't here this year! I guess I wouldn't be either with the weather we were having! Up the Legion of Honor hill was not as bad as it usually is on a regular workout day. It was fun to get to the water stop at the top and see people I knew. Of course, I couldn't remember anyone's name fo some reason yesterday...but it was fun to see people nonetheless!

When I got into Golden Gate Park, K____ came up behind me. I was surprised to see him there! He is a much faster swimmer than I am...but then again, that swim was insane and anything and everything happened out there...It was so awesome to ride with him for a little bit. I think we were together for about two miles. We kibbitzed about the swim and chatted about what was ahead. Then he rode off into the fog...Up some more hills and all of a sudden, I was headed back to the transition...this bike ride was over! Then I remembered...I hadn't done a triathlon with a bike ride under 56 miles since the year 2000! So this ride - 18 miles - was over before I knew it!

The run...what can I say now about the run? I had a blast. I headed out on the run and saw FBFCP and K___ S___ and that crew of boys. They were cheering wildly for me and then I heard K____ say, "Come on Marcy...pick it up!" I had to laugh! The Monkey met me at the entrance to Crissy Field and we ran together for about a mile and a half. Then I stopped in the bathroom before starting the really hard part of the run. Ran into T____ in there. She wasn't feeling well, which sucked for her, but I was glad to see her! I kept running, smiling the whole way, running into people as they headed towards the finish (while I was just getting started!)! Then I was on the beach...running along the surf, trying to stay away from the water so my shoes wouldn't get too wet. And I had to laugh. What a gorgeous city this is! I can't believe I get to live here! And then I get to do a race here! How lucky am I!?

As I headed back to the finish I saw Rocky on the beach and gave her a big hug. I headed up that ridiculous sand ladder and smiled when I got to the top and there was great music pumping and two volunteers cheering. Then I ran it home. I picked up the Monkey again at the bottom of the stairs and we headed to the finish. I saw K___ up ahead and eventually caught up to him. After vomiting twice on the swim, he wasn't feeling too good and so he was walking. I convinced him to run in with me and we did for a few minutes. But he wasn't feeling well enough so he had to walk again. I kicked it in and headed for that line! Saw Mom, Grandpa, Gail, Mer...Mer tried to run alongside me and she was making me laugh. And then next thing I know I am on the grass headed for the finish! I heard my name - the same voice, the same friggin voice as the one who announced me across the line at Ironman! - and I was thrilled. All day long, I had so much fun! Never stopped smiling. Never stopped being grateful for the use of my body in this way. For the ability to live well in this city and to be surrounded by friends who "get it." For my family being there.

I loved it. I want to do it again and again. Every chance I get, I want to try to do that race. I can't believe I never wanted to do it before. But you know, I learned with Ironman...never say never.

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Tonight I met mommy's friend from high school. C_____. She lives in Mendocino. She is so cool. Funny how I am so attracted to women of this age! She reminded me of Mokypa...she is so down to earth and smart. She is independent, even within her marriage. She is aware. She is conscious. She is active in her community. I really connected with her! And I can't wait to go visit. I must find a weekend this summer to get up there!

There is so much more to say...about so many things. The Bush administration and its Weapons of Mass Deception...boys boys and more boys...the one who got away who still lingers!...my familiy....friends - old, new, forgotten and no longer. I could go on and on.

But tonight, I am too tired. So, until next time.

Yup...it's Saturday night at 9:41pm and I am home, Blogging. Ah, the life of a single 30 year old woman in San Francisco. Well, this single 30 year old woman in San Francisco. Actually, I am exhausted and happy to get to bed early tonight. I have packed so much into this weekend already...who needs more tonight?

Went to the movies tonight with T____. Saw "Bruce Almighty" with Jim Carrey. Now, I had looooow expectations for this thing. I mean, other than laughing at Jim Carrey and his funny faces, I did not think the movie would elicit much else out of me...and I was right...sort of. Okay, I admit it, I teared up at the cheesy love story part. But I have cried at much worse, so that wasn't a real surprise.

What was a surprise was the strange attempt at a spiritual message that you find in this movie. Strange because it's so damn obvious, they beat you over the head with it! Strange because it's a Jim Carrey movie, for goodness sake! Just strange. But I will say that for the whole walk home, I was thinking about it...the spiritual message, that is. (Okay, I admit it...I was also sort of thinking about L___, the hottie I danced with until 1am last night! But that's another story altogether!). Anyway, the message in the movie - which, by the way, you won't read about in any review...and so, sadly, I am sure it will get lost on most people, even though they really do beat you over the head with it. Anyway, the message, at least the message that I "got" from it, is that God lives within each and every one of us and it is up to us to access (or strive to access) our own divine possibility and ot see the divine in each other. That there is no external power that is pulling strings for the universe. That prayers (real prayers) are simply wishes to be able to get in touch with our own power. So, for example, when someone prays to find love, really they are praying for the ability to see the part of themselves that will allow them to love and be loved. That the power to change our own lives, and the power to have a positive impact on others' lives, is our own. And maybe that power is made possible by the existence of a God-like force or energy in the universe, but that entity is not responsible for our happiness. Anyway, I got the sense that this cheesy Hollywood movie with not enough laughs was also trying to send this other message.

That was Saturday night...But the real fun was to be had on Friday night! The Monkey and I went to the Giants game...so fun. I can't say we really watched too much of the game...surprise surprise, we were yakking the whole time! But it was so fun to hang out and catch up! We just don't see each other enough these days...I suppose it will never be enough unless we are roommates! Anyway, the game was fun and talking to that cutie from San Jose was, I think, a sign for what kind of night we were about to have. After the game, we headed to meet T____ and The Boys at The Kells...An Irish bar near North Beach. Not much of a party girl, I had never been to this bar. The Monkey and I were planning on staying for an hour or so...home by midnight to get plenty of sleep before my tri-brick workout with R____ today. As we headed in the door she turned to me and said, "Watch, we close the place down." Well, almost.

I hardly go out anymore...I am not sure why. I think a lot of it is just that I don't really do the whole drinking thing...and sometimes, actually lots of times, I feel like a bit of a freak about it. I think people think I am an alcoholic or something...or just plain square. And maybe I am (square, that is...not an alcoholic). And since I feel like a bit of a freak about it, I am not comfortable really being around people who are shifaced. First of all, I judge it. I admit it. I think that when people need to have the lubrication of alcohol in order to feel good, in order to dance, to be social and open to meeting new people, I think it's weak. I don't respect it. Because I don't need alcohol to do any of those things. And when people are really drunk, I don't know who they are...it's not real...and I am not interested in that. No, it's not right that I judge it. And I hate that I judge it. And I really try not to. And some nights, I am more successful than others. Last night, I had a ton of fun at this bar...everyone around me seemed to be drinking (though I must say, I love it that T____ can't drink while she is on that medication!), most poeple were, in fact, downright drunk. And I had a blast.

We danced. And really, that is just about all I need to have a good time. Fun music and dancing partners. And, as a bonus, cute boys! And the best part about the cute boys is that they were with us! There were the usual Boys. K____, P____, C_____. Then there were some new ones...ones I had not met before. One in particular was a total cutie...great smile, sparkly eyes, dynamic energy. And man could he dance!!! I have to say...I have not met too many triathlete boys who can get a groove on! Not the kind of groove I am into, anyway. There is, of course, the dance master, R.S. And CP, the Renaissance man who can, of course, cut a rug (what can't that kid do?). And now, there is L____.

So I have a little crush. Harmless, really. But fun. Every once in a while, it's nice to have a crush....if for no other reason than to remember I can!

I am in a writing slump. That's all I can say to explain why I am not motivated to write so much. I guess it doesn't help that I have been busy lately...work has been hopping, training is peaking right now for Alcatraz, I have been holding a full social calendar. It doesn't leave a lot of downtime for musing. I have a good topic, though...for next time, when I am ready to sit and muse. I have been mulling it in my head for a few days now. It will be my first effort at actually writing a narrative nonfiction essay.

I must start studying for the GMAT. Oy.

I cannot believe I haven't written here in five days! I guess I have been somewhat uninspired...Training and being social and working...it all takes so much time! I was sure I would be able to come up with something tonight. I wanted to write about the awesome Texas Democrats who have finally taken a page from the Karl Rove handbook and won! I wanted to write about the Wag the Dog presidency of George W. Bush. I wanted to muse about meeting Douglas Rushkoff (and turning into a mute in his presence!). I wanted to write about training for Escape from Alcatraz. About how much I love L_____ and M_____ and how much I will miss K______ if he ends up moving. About the fact that today marks exactly ten years - TEN YEARS! - since I graduated from Boston University and I am feeling like I wish I had more to show for it. A fancy title and a career, that's what I have. I am not sure what else I think I should have. But somehow I feel as though I should have had more of a positive impact on the world by now. Perhaps I have had a positive impact and that seeing it just a matter of perspective. Perspective I don't have, mind you. By the way, today is also the day we used to "celebrate" as my mom and A___'s anniversary. I suppose now we can celebrate it as the day that is no longer their anniversary!

I am excited for the big Hollywood premiere of "Hollywood Homicide." I guess that kind of thing is pretty exciting (though I am not that interested in movie stars that way) and who knows how many times I will get to go to a big blockbuster premiere with Harrison Ford! This is probably my once shot!

So, I plan to do all this writing. I really do. But today I feel like shit. Woke up with a sore sore throat and now my nose is itchy and runny and I am downning Theraflu in the hopes that I will feel well enough in the morning to go on a bike ride!

Sun, fun, friends and dancing...that sounds like a perfect weekend. And it was...well, maybe not perfect (what is?) but pretty darn close.

I am reminded this weekend of what it means to live in a place where you are surrounded by people you love and people who love you. Reminded what it means to have real friends that you can laugh with, cry with, dance with...be honest with, be scared with, be funny with...hike with, eat fish with, read the newspaper with...I suppose when you live in a city for eight years (EIGHT YEARS!), far from your familiy, you create a new definition of family...an expanded definition. And you end up with people like the ones I know, having weekend like the one I had. It helps to live in San Francisco, where the weather is amazing, the scenery flawless and the people likeminded (mostly!).

Happy Mother's Day to my mom and all the other fabulous mothers in my life!

The fight for free speech continues...I don't know why I am always surprised that forces continue to try to limit this most fundamental of American rights.

On the day of Resident Bush's photo-op of all phot-ops with that weird staged plane landing onto the aircraft carrier, he gave a speech to update us on the war against Iraq. I was listening to his speech on the radio in my car and was struck by one particular section in which he said:

Today, we have the greater power to free a nation by breaking a dangerous and aggressive regime. With new tactics and precision weapons, we can achieve military objectives without directing violence against civilians. No device of man can remove the tragedy from war; yet it is a great moral advance when the guilty have far more to fear from war than the innocent.

I do suppose this is true...our weapons have gotten more precise, the numbers killed significantly smaller than in wars past. But this seems like a strange instance to make this claim. I mean, we killed thousands of Iraqi civilians in our one-sided war against Iraq and more than 100 US military servicepeople were killed. And then we distributed a deck of cards with the faces of 55 "Most Wanted" Iraqis from Saddam Hussein's Ba'ath party on them, hoping we would find them and "bring them to justice." So far I think we have found 20 or so of the men (and woman) on the cards. Alive. And then today there is an audiotape of what seems to be Saddam Hussein's voice. Alive. And his son stole something like $1 billion from the central bank (In US currency).

So explain to me the moral advance in this case - Saddam and the rest of the deck of cards seem to be alive and kicking, possible even regrouping. Innocent civilians can barely get water in their towns, medical help, food.

The current U.S. regime has got to go. I don't want to have to wait until 2004!

On the one hand, I think we need a man like Gary Hart in the race for president. An elder statesman with a firm sense of international affairs and a solid record on domestic issues (as Senator), Gary Hart is not afraid to speak his mind, offer bold and innovative solutions and challenge his critics and opponents to engage in the debate(s). But I also like the idea of Gary Hart as a party leader, maintaining that role as the elder statesman without having to worry about what he says and, more importantly, how he says it. Outside of the confines of a campaign, Gary Hart has the freedom to open us debate about the issues Americans care about without worrying that the edited press will twist his words, that the Republicans will smear his name.

I do hope we can put up a candidate with Gary Hart-like credentials, charisma and intellect. And I hope Gary Hart takes up the role as a party leader, driving the direction of the public debate surrounding the important issues of today.

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In early March I attended the Jewish Community Federation's Western Regional Young Leadership Conference. I was excited to participate in a weekend of "Jewish" events, connecting with other Jews my age in the Bay Area and from other cities. I was ready for exposure to a new side of the Jewish community here in San Francisco, not the usual Jew crew I run into at events.

The weekend was so much better than I ever could have imagined it would be. It contributed so much to my personal journey towards defining Judaism in my life. I connected more deeply with like-minded Jews, met new and interesting people that I hope to continue to connect with. And it all surprised me because the weekend started with an opening keynote by none other than the self-proclaimed spokesman of American Jewry, the homohobe himself, Dennis Prager.

I choose not to go into detail about all the hideous things Prager said during his opening remarks...I do not want to draw any more attention to his bigotry than is necessary. But I will say this...the Jewish Community Federation of San Francisco, the group that invited him to speak at the conference, has assured it will not receive any of my charitable giving. I will funnel my Jewish philanthropy instead to the local JCC or other organizations that truly reflect the Jewish values I believe in.

I am reminded of Prager's narrowmindedness and his perversion of Jewish values by an article on Salon.com today. It is a reprint in the Andrew Sullivan column (a whole separate ugliness for another time) of a recent Prager interview in which he talks about homosexuality and its inferiority to heterosexuality. In any case, I cannot believe this guy was speaking in my synagogue to Rabbi Sydney Mintz's congregation. Rabbi Mintz - a lesbian who is a devout clergy member with a life partner and a child they raise together. Rabbi Mintz, who energizes Judaism for me and makes me want to learn more and better understand Judaism's role in my life. I cannot believe they brought this pig into her synagogue.

Certainly, in his keynote address he did not talk about his disdain for gay people, limiting his remarks to his disdain for Arabs and Palestinians. Acting as if he speaks for all Jews when he talks in the divisive language of "us" and "them" and as if the Israel issue is black and white. Worse than his remarks, actually, was the fact that this clown got a standing ovation from the crowd. Which was so upsetting because I believe that the majority of people in that audience do not know the totality of Prager's views. Sure, he is pro-Israel. Sure, he is a proud Jew. But he is a bigot who believes his moral compass should guide us all, who believes the world can be viewed as us against them...men/women, Jews/Arabs, gay people/ straight people...He most certainly does not speak for this Jew.

I am tempted to delete everything I have written in the past two days! These entries were more brain dumps than coherent essays...and I wanted my blog to be coherent essays, though I know at times it devolves into a diary-like accounting of my (not that exciting) life. So I am tempted to delete. But I suppose part of the discipline of this writing endeavor is to learn to publish when I am ready and let it go once it has gone "live." So that is what I am going to do. I will go against my own will and I will not delete the previous two days' entries. The post-Wildflower-weekend-tired-haze entries. But I had to acknowledge that I am not entirely comfortable with the content.

I was out of town all weekend - camping - so I did not have any access to newspapers or radio. I was cut off from the world outside of Lake San Antonio in Monterey County. If it did not relate to triathlon, I had no idea it was happening.

When I came home, I tried to read the Sunday New York Times that was waiting at my doorstep but I was too tired and fell asleep doing the crossword puzzle. Today, I managed to nose around some web sites in between work projects for an update on what the "President" has been up to (though truth be told, I needed the break from his antics after that bizarre plane-landing-on-carrier incident) and some insight into the weekend's Democratic presidential debate. From all accounts I read, it sounds like Joe Lieberman did a great job at making himself stand out among the group of eight candidates, not an easy task. And there is something to be said for the fact that he is the only one who has actually been part of a campaign that has already beat W. But let's face facts...Joe is not likely to win the general election. And the truth is, I do not want him to win the nomination! I am sure there are many who would think that is pure heresy coming from an East Coast Jew like me. But I just do not agree with him on so many issues. He is too conservative for my taste.

Because I know he is devout in the practice of his faith, I trust him more than most politicians to speak his truth. But he is a politician. And he wants to win. And I firmly believe that all politicians must, at some point, sell at least a part of their soul to hold onto their power - not necessarily for power's sake, but because they have changes they want to make, a way they want the world to be. But politics is more than ideas...it is a game, it is a process and throughout the course of that process, many of them seem to make compromises in order to hold onto their power. Over time, they seem to forget why they wanted the power in the first place. Anyway, I am not sure this applies to Joe Lieberman, but I am sure that on many issues - fiscal, military and even social - we do not see eye to eye. And I sometimes have a hard time understanding where he is coming from, what guides his political positions.

I think I like Howard Dean...Dr. Dean. I always thought I would support John Kerry throughout the process. After all, I worked for him and I really like his credentials. We have similar perspectives on the issues that are important to me. But I guess what I am looking for in the primary process is a true blue liberal. I need to reconnect to the causes that define what it means to me to be a Democrat. And while I think that John Kerry has the true blue credentials, I also believe he wants to win so badly, he might go to any lengths to do so. And to a certain extent, that is okay with me...because I really really really want the shrub out of the White House and only a Democrat that is willing to go to the mat will make that happen.

But so far, of all the candidates, Howard Dean is the one that is speaking to me. He says what is on his mind. He asks the questions I have. He doesn't pretend to have all the answers but he is clear about where he stands. I like that in a candidate. It is so rare. In 1992, I was a huge Bob Kerrey supporter for the same kinds of reasons. I had a feeling Bill Clinton was more electable, and I was prepared to work on his campaign when or if that came to pass. But for the primaries, for the contest of the party faithful, I wanted to put my energy where my spirit was...the ideas of the candidate, not his electability.

Once Kerrey was out and Clinton was the clear nominee, I jumped in with both feet and was unwavering in my support for most of his eight years (though his personal indiscretions were a total embarassment). I dedicated myself to the campaign without every looking back. But I do not know that I could have done that if I hadn't dedicated the primary season to Bob Kerrey.

And so maybe this time around, it will be the same way. Perhaps I will go into the contest working for Dean and if he ends up not being the nominee, I will throw my support behind whoever is (and I will volunteer on that campaign because losing the Presidential election in 2004 is not an option). Because what I like about Howard Dean is that he speaks his beliefs, even when they are against the grain, even when he knows that the media will likely twist it around, even though his Democratic opponents are likely to paint him into a liberal corner. It does not stop him and in fact, it seems to attract more supporters to his cause. I could be wrong, but it seems to me that he strongly believes in the heart and soul of the Democratic party - the social values and community responsibility that my Democratic party stands for . Meanwhile, I sent an email to the Dean campaign indicating my interest in volunteering and have yet to hear back.

Lately I have been wondering if I believe in the romantic notion of "the one that got away." I never considered myself to be someone who believes in that idea...not only does the idea seem overly dramatic, but I have long felt that what ever is happening is what is supposed to be happening and there is no turning back. Which is not to say that I do not believe in second chances, I do - certainly there is proof of that in the fact that A____ and I broke up and got back together several times over the course of four years. But I have not ever considered the idea that I may have let someone slip away...that I did not know the good thing when I had it, or that I did know it but was not ready for it and so had to let it go...and that it was the wrong thing to do...not what was supposed to be happening...But in recent days, it has actually occurred to me that it is possible there was one that got away (and if there was this one, were there perhaps more?).

He was most things I want in a partner. Sure, he was a little young, but I tend to be more attracted to the younger ones, and he possesses so many traits that I value. Smart, funny (very funny), sweet, liberal, healthy in body, positive disposition, respectful of women, sexy, expressive and generous. And a bunch of other things. He liked me, which turned out to be his downfall. As I have always said, it is all in the timing, and I was not ready for a man to be so much of what I ultimately want in a partner. It's not as if he was looking to marry me, or even date me for more than a few months. But he was so obvious about how he felt about me - he liked getting to know me and wanted to continue to do so - and I suppose I just was not used to it and was not comfortable with it. So I chased him away. I was not very nice to him at all. I sent him mixed signals, pushed him away, called him back to me, pushed him away, called him back...And finally I sent him packing.

I am ashamed of how I treated him. I asked him for forgiveness last year (around Yom Kippur...seeking atonement!)...a few months of drama with Broadway illustrated for me the good thing I let go...It was too late...he was deep into a relationship with someone else and (I think) in love with her. I heard rumors about the instability of their relationship and I sometimes wondered if I would ever get a second chance - and if I did would I screw it up again? Then he faded from my thoughts. Every once in a while he would pop up again. Something would remind me of him, someone would say his name or, more rarely, I would run into him or hear from him in email or the rare phone call.

It is only when I see him that I think of him in a romantic way and that I wonder if I royally screwed up! Within a few days - or even hours - he fades from my thoughts, not to enter again until the next time he crosses my path.

When we are in the same space, socially interacting, it is weird between us and I am sure it is me projecting that weirdness. I do not know how to act around him, whereas around me he seems perfectly natural. And though I toy with the notion that I let him get away, I am chastened by the idea that he likely does not think twice about what could have been. My best friend encourages me to explore it...to put myself out there with him again and see what he says. But I do not feel that I have the right to even offer that up, and I am not certain, with everything going on with me these days, that I could handle the rejection I am certain would follow any initiation on my part. So I retreat to the self-pity zone until a few days pass and he again fades away.

And this one...one of these days I will figure out how to make the links appear on the side of this thing! Maybe I can find someone who knows html to redesign my template...

Now this is cool. I love the internet!

I do not think I could ever be a movie critic. I think in order to be a good movie critic you need to always watch a film with a bit of detachment. I cannot imagine you are able to really lose yourself in a film as a reviewer. I suppose you can see each film more than once...the first time to really watch it and enjoy it and the second time to review it with a more detached eye. I wonder if that is what critics do. But I would also think that after time, you lose the ability to be a regular moviegoer. Even I, nothing even close to a reviewer, have a hard time watching a movie without noticing - even seeking to find - anachronisms, continuity lapses and things like that. Tonight, as I watched "Owning Mahowny," a selection of the San Francisco International Film Festival, it occurred to me that I will likely never make my writing career as a film critic! First of all, I got lost in Philip Seymour Hoffman's character. He is a stupendous talent and whenever I watch him onscreen I have trouble focusing on much else. For some reason, I am predisposed to dislike Minnie Driver and she was in this movie, too. But I cannot decide if she did a poor job, if the character was poorly written, if the director failed to bring her character out or if the editor cut in the wrong places. Whoever is at fault, I thought the Minnie Driver character did not add anything to the film. Now, I do understand that it is based on a true story (and a novel) so there is probably little room. But I also know that movie makers are known to take poetic license and this would have been a good time to do so. It's just that, the whole time I saw her character, I was hard pressed to understand why she was staying with this guy, unless she is a total loser. Frankly, she comes off as a loser and though she says she loves him, I never actually saw or felt it. I think it was probably a combination of writing and directing. And then acting. Because I just do not like her!

My sister's next movie - Hollywood Homicide - is coming out soon! It is set to premiere in June. Not sure when in June but we are hoping the week while Mom and Nick are here so we can all go down to the big red carpet premiere and see it together or else all go to the theater on opening night and see it together! Anyway, the trailer is apparently out in theaters now and she is in it (towards the end). Kind of fun! In order to see the trailer in the theaters I will probably have to go see something wretched, like Anger Management or some other awul blockbuster. So, I may have to content myself with seeing the trailer online!

What a weekend...it was so relaxing and at the same time so busy. This weekend was especially full of good times with close friends and quality time outside riding, running and swimming. I started to feel some weight be lifted off of my shoulders Friday evening. I am not sure why or how. I decided to have a mellow evening alone on Friday (even though I also decided I need to stop spending quite so much time on my own). I went for a swim at Koret. I felt good in the pool, though the guy sharing my lane was so fast (as were his training partners one lane over) and it was a constant reminder of how not fast I am! For some reason, though, it did not get my spirits down. I was swimming fairly consistently and at a comfortable pace for me, making the time in the pool go fast. I haven't swam alone - not with masters swimming - in several months, it seems. Anyway, after Koret I went down to the Marina and ran for about 28 minutes. During my run I did about five 20 - 30 second pickups. It was not too dark out when I started but was definitely dark when I finished. I got some dinner, went home, read and went to sleep. A good night's sleep.

Saturday was a great day. I went for an early brick workout. My ride was good, my run was tough for the first 20 minutes - but the last 10 felt pretty good. I need to remember that on race day...the first few miles always really suck.

Saturday afternoon Buzzie and I went to a "purse party" down in Burlingame where some woman sells knockoff Prada, Hermes, Gucci bags. I bought a few cute ones, none of which I actually need and two of which I will probably have to remind myself to use. But they were cute and I never buy stuff for myself like that so I figured, why not?

When I got back to the city I met up with the Monkey and we just went for a walk down on Union Street. It was nice to hang out...she just has such great energy and she is so nice to be around. I feel very free to say things to the Monkey that I would not say to anyone else and when I am with her, and we talk - really talk - I feel free.

Saturday evening I went over to Grandma's house and watched a movie - "Y Tu Mama Tambien." It was a really beautiful movie. I don't claim to know a lot about filmmaking - lighting, angles, color - but this film seemed exceptionally beautiful and bright. And the story was also touching and moving. Though I will say the translation from Spanish to English left a little to be desired. I mean, did they really have to have the characters say, "dude," every other sentence. And, "Want to smoke a spleef?" translated from Spanish? COME ON!

This morning I got up early to run Nicky's Rainbow Run 10k with the newly engaged A___. I knew the chances of me having a PR were slim to none. I am just not in the kind of shape I was in last year when I ran it in something like 52 minutes or so. I was on track to do it in 53 and change or maybe 54. I ran with A___ up until about mile 3.5. I considered going ahead but thought it would be more fun if we ran it together - it had been so long since we ran together at all, like we used to, and I was only really doing it because she was. But around mile 3.5 I felt like I need to run a little harder than I was. So I took off for a while and ended up catching up to Alien M___ from last year's Ironteam. We ran together for about a mile and a half. I could tell he was pushing it hard and that was fun...it was cool to run with someone who was being pushed by me, instead of the other way around. It reminded me of Coach Kate who always said, "work together." I felt like Alien M____ and I were working together. At around mile 5.5, I sent him on his way and waited for A___. That last hill is a bitch and I could tell she was already having a tough time. I thought it would definitely be worth it to do together. And it was. She had said early on that she wanted to finish in under an hour. It was close. But we ended up coming in at 59:30.

After spending some quality time with my New York Times, I went to meet M____ and K____ at Aquatic Park for a quick open water swim before Wildflower. K____, not surprisingly, did not show up. Oh well...but M___ and I went for a quick swim around the perimeter. The water was as cold and nasty as I remembered! I had not been in AP since last July. It was actually very cold at first but once I got swimming I warmed up fairly quickly. And M____ was good...waiting for me at key spots so we both felt safe out there. It started to get ugly out there and as we headed back to shore from the mouth, the waves were a bit gnarly. I swam as fast as I could just to be finished.

Then this evening I went to Sausalito for the Matzo Brie cookoff at Mama J and S____'s. It was me, Buzzie, R___, Goldie and Mama J and S____. What an awesome evening. It felt so warm and full of love and life in that house. I love spending time with the B____'s. And needless to say the H___S___'s. And Goldie brought his guitar and played and sang for us. It was awesome. I find him very sexy when he is being musical. Other times, I feel there is a negative energy between us. And, frankly, when he is being musical, there is no energy between us other than what is coming from me. But it is always nice to hear someone play and sing with that beautiful voice of his. And he is so un-self conscious. I know he has issues...everyone does. But when he is playing and singing, sometimes you can tell when he is really feeling it. Other times, you can tell he is not feeling it. Either way, he is so present and it's really quite attractive. Alas, we are not a match (not least because he wants a skinny girl and I do not come close to fitting that bill!), though I have to admit, it would be nice if we were because the family scene tonight in Sausalito was picture perfect.

I do hope that if I meet a man that becomes my life partner he has cool parents and they live nearby! Is that too much to ask?

"I'm sick of being so fucking conscious all the time. I'm like this incredible watered down version of myself." Brenda said this tonight on Six Feet Under. I must admit, there are times when I have had this thought myself.

It's probably a pretty bad idea to be blogging at work. After all, I should be working, shouldn't I? But it's lunch time and I have a conference call in half an hour and I have this urge to write a bit so I figured it's important to go with that urge (especially considering how unmotivated I have been about this blog in the past couple of weeks).

I had a mini-revelation yesterday about my current state of mental and physical health (or lack thereof!). For the past few weeks, and especially after this week's interesting knee-tapping therapy session!, I have been trying to figure out what is wrong with me? What is different now than a year or even two years ago that has me in this state? And I started thinking back to when Adam and I broke up (exactly two years ago). After we broke up, I lost about 10 pounds in the months following. Actually shed it pretty quickly and without thinking about it. And I was thinking that at that time, I was so happy and felt so light, as if a weight had been lifted. Nowadays, I sometimes feel as if the weight of the world is on my shoulders...and I have gained weight. And I realized, as I was walking down the street to meet K____ to go to the Dustin Hoffman film festival event, that what seems like metaphor was/is actually REAL - when the weight was lifted after Adam, the weight was literally lifted. Now that I am feeling weighed down by my troubles and worries, I am literally weighed down. As I was telling K____ about it, I nearly started to cry. It felt like a bit of a breakthrough. Of course, having this "information" is only as useful as what I choose to do with it. But it does feel good to at least feel as if there is an explanation for it.

I am reluctant to talk too much about work on here...Nobody from work (all four of them!) knows I have this blog, but I feel weird about saying anything for fear they may hear about it or somehoe stumble upon it. But so much of what is going on for me right now revolves around the work situation. Oh well, I guess I will have to save that for my personal journal.

Rick Santorum, Republican Senator from that lovely state of Pennsylvania, seems to be having a semi-Trent Lott experience these days. His homo-intolerant comments to the Associated Press the other day were, in my opinion, nothing short of abhorrent. As bad as Trent Lott's racist remarks, in my opinion. Of course, the establishment, and the theocrat-in-chief, will do nothing about it. After all, Santorum is a religious fanatic just like Bush is, and many of these religious zealots (and yes, the exist in Christianity and Judaism, too, not just Islam) believe that homosexuality is just plain wrong. Of course, Santorum goes that extra mile in an effort to seem unlike the bigot he is. He clarifies that he doesn't disapprove of homosexuality, just homosexual acts. In other words, it is okay to be gay as long as you don't act gay. And then he goes on to say that these gay acts are the moral equivalent to acts of incest, polygamy, bigamy and, my favorite, bestiality. As in "man on dog" as he said. This is what is running our country? Why are people not more outraged? I wonder if people are not as incensed as they should be about this kind of talk because there are so many other things going on that we need to worry about - our lying president, his over-reaching "big brother" of an attorney general, the scary hawks in the defense department, the deflated Amrecian economy, and the list goes on and on. At some point it becomes too much and we need to tune out for a bit and sit back and know, with deep commitment and sincerity, that we are going to do all we need to do to take advantage of our brilliant four year election cycles and throw out the trashy layer of representation we currently have running our country. I can only hope that we all get together and actually vote.

Shit...the conference call...

Ah...the blog juju is loooooow these days. Had a really interesting therapy session today...I think it was a good one...maybe a breakthrough? I need to sit with it some more before I declare any major progression but I have felt pretty great ever since and had a kick ass bike ride tonight and a decent run.

I love the West Wing. It really is one of the most well-written shows on television. I am not sure the acting is necessarily the craftiest...after all, they are fairly predictable characters and we like it that way. Different from Six Feet Under, which is all-around brilliantly crafted...written, directed and acted. But West Wing I enjoy so thoroughly as it is happening...The writing is so good and also so subtle...Jokes happen that I guarantee most people watching don't "get" - shit, I bet plenty of the jokes go over my head! I do think lately, though, that the show has veered a bit much away from the issues and towards the more personal story lines. I am sure some kind of market research told them to head in that direction. But I miss the more intense issue-focused parts of the show. But I do love it. I continue to love the idea that on Wednesday night from 9 - 10 pm we have the kind of President I wish we had the other six days of the week.

I am close to figuring out how to do links. The guy from the Demwatch blog is trying to dumb it down so I can understand technically how to do it. As soon as I put a few minutes together to focus on it, I will. I am very excited about it. In the meantime, I need to get my blog mojo back!

I must get my blogging momentum back soon! It has been an exhausting week and while I would love to sit and muse for hours, what I really need to do is read the paper and go to sleep! I have a busy week ahead of me and I need to start it off refreshed. I haven't turned on the television in days and in some ways, I feel like I may not know what is going on in the world but it's nice not to have that noise around for a bit.

Volunteering today at Glide serving food was interesting. I get so sad seeing all those people whose lives seem so, I don't know, ruined. I mean, I look at them and I wonder what it is like to live that life, what goes on in their heads? I watched one man eat today and as he ate his food, so slowly and so methodically and so...alone...I could not help but wonder what was going through his mind...what does he think about, I wondered? And as I thought about it, I got sad...sad because if I were to guess what he thinks about, I would probably guess that his thoughts are consumed with his miserable life and despair over his situation. Then I get sad because I make assumptions like that. What do I know what it is like to be a black man, with two broken fingers, living on the streets of San Francisco and eating Easter Sunday dinner at Glide Memorial Church's free dining room? From my privileged point of view, I can only imagine that his life is pure misery. That there are no bright spots...not real bright spots...a warm meal is not a bright spot, it's a necessity. And after seeing these people today who clearly live in such poverty, saddled with addictions and afflictions, I wonder why I have not dedicated my life to serving them or, even better, fixing the planet in such a way so that these people do not end up in such a place. The strangest thing today was when I was hanfing one man his tray of foond...He was a small, older black man who seemed to me to be "on something." And as I handed him his tray he said, "Thank you," and then somewhat leeringly added, "You so cute..." and then he started to whimper and cry. And he walked away wiping the tears from his eyes. I felt that moment all the way through me. Such a strange sensation of helplessness and shame washed over me...

Then I go to the Easter Egg Hunt at Laura and Matthew's place and I see my friends and we talk about the world and work and school and triathlons...and I think, "I like my life." And I don't feel any guilt about it (should I?). And I don't feel any special pride for my service today...it was a drop in the bucket and if it wasn't me serving that food and cleaning up that kitchen, it would have been someone else, because Glide certainly does not want for volunteers.

Anyway, I ramble. I am tired and have no mood for writing tonight. Just wanted to get a couple of things off my chest.

By the way...I am on hiatus from dating at the moment. I know I say that all the time but I really mean it this time.

Wow...what a week! Somehow I managed to host or co-host two Passover seders without a single glitch! Both were incredibly fun and full of love and laughter!

Wednesday night R____, J____ T. and I hosted a seder for 24 people at J____ T's place. It was really fun. We wrote (or compiled anyway) our own Haggadah, which is always fun because then the whole thing feels distinctly ours. I knew and am good friends with many of the guests who came, but of the 24, I actually invited five of them. R____ invited four people, too, and the rest were J___ T.'s friends. Interestingly, I had gone on "dates" with three of the guests at the table (none of my invitees though one is a good friend). Two were jDate connections, one was a New Year's, um, connection.

The three of us, being the theatrical, spotlight loving hounds we are, we started the vening with a little ditty for our guestss...we sang a rendition of "There's No Seder Like Our Seder," sung to the tune of "There's No Business Like Show Business." The crowd looked nonplussed as we sang (probably off-key) our hearts out...Hey, we enjoyed it!

For some reason, J___ T. made me the seder leader. All that meant was that I would be the person pushing things along - kind of like the director or the stage manager. It went off without a hitch...other than some of the guests being kind of rude (talking while we were all taking turns reading the Haggadah), it went really well. J___ T.'s parents were in attendance and I, of course, loved them and loved that they were there. It was as if they represented all our parents who we couldn't share seder with this year for one reason or another.

I made matzoh ball soup and I must say, it was pretty good...I just followed the recipe on the box and they turned out pretty close to perfect. J____ T. and her mom made brisket and lemon chicken. R____ made two incredible delicious salads. Our guests brought amazing side dishes: Carribean kugel, sweet potato pie, spinach and cheese "pie." The dessert was out of this world - homemade macaroons, all sorts of cakesand cookies. It was delicious and everyone chipped in to make it so. I love that.

Clean up was a breeze with all of us helping. Of course, I got to go home and not deal with the nitty gritty of clean up, like vacuuming and whatnot. But J___ T. has that uber-vacuum so it probably wasn't too too bad! Click here to see pictures!


That was Seder #1 of 2003...On Thursday night I hosted Seder #2 of 2003.

Seder #2 could not have been more different. We did this one at Buzzie and R___'s place (aka Grandma's house). I knew pretty much everyone there, except for E____'s date and a teammate of Buzzie's. But by the end of the night I felt like I knew them both! This seder was decidely smaller than the one on first night. There were (only) 14 of us and it was much mor eintimate considering we pretyt much all knew each other. There were only six Jews there, but that made it even more special because I got to share this favorite holiday with some of my closest friends.

I was kind of in charge of this one but, as usual, eveyrone chipped in to help. I made brisket (Grandma's recipe - I overcooked it!) and matzoh ball soup and a spring salad...even better than the night before! Mama J made an amazing turkey breast- it smelled so good I actually ate some...mmmm mmmmm. M____ brought a delicious side dish of carrots and honey and oranges, and JLy made an awesome noodle kugel...pretty good for a small town Catholic girl! For dessert we had E____'s homemade macaroons, D_____'s chocolate,caramel matzoh crunch (AMAZING...THE BEST PART OF THE WHOLE MEAL!), and a delicious fruit and sortbet selection from L____ and M_____.

It was a really great evening, full of love and light and friendship and sharing. When I share Passover with my close friends, I feel even closer to them because I feel like they are participating in a bit of my own familiy history. I love that!

Next year in (San Francisco? Portland? New York?)!

Sometimes I do things that remind me of my dad...nothing to be proud of, really, but important to recognize, I guess. I have this knack,as does he and as does my sister, for making people feel stupid...I guess it really is more of this propensity for thinking people are stupid and then acting on those thoughts when they prove or appear to be true. I know this about myself, and it has been pointed out to me by others, as well. I don't like this about myself and I have really gotten better at controlling it over the years...partly because I am just much less judgmental about people and am much less at the effect of people. But every once in a while someone comes along that challenges my ability to hold my tongue and,frankly, be nice.

This morning is one of those days. And in my anger at a former friend, I made one of those phone calls that I knew would go to voicemail...and believe me, I did not say what I really wanted to say. I tried hard to temper my comments and I even waited a good 15 minutes before making the call...a sort of timeout, I suppose. So what I ended up saying lacked the venom I wa sfeeling and know I am capable of. And I don't feel bad...I wrote off a friendship this morning, though the writing had been on the wall for a while...but if I have learned one thing, it's not to be treated like shit by "friends" ever again...and so today I learned not to mix business and friends...I guess I probably knew this already and over the past couple of months this has become more and more clear as this particular situation has played itself out. Or maybe you shouldn't mix business with certain friendships. Or maybe you should end friendships when they have run their course and not throw business into it out of guilt.

I am still pretty pissed right now...I don't know how to let it go other than to just let time pass and hope it will dissipate. I don't want it to live in my body and manifest itself as some kind of body toxin. So I write this and hope it helps express my feelings and let them flow out of me. I am sure, too, I will talk to Buzzie about it and she will set me straight...tell me where I am justified and where I am being unreasonable in her opinion, which I highly value. And hopefully that will help. It usually does.

I saw the most interesting thing in Mollie Stone's today. I was on my hunt for some brisket for Passover...unsuccessful, by the way...and ended up buying two bottles of kosher wine,a box of yolk-less egg matzo and a box of Passover cereal (Manischewitz frosted flakes). No luck with the brisket. As I was checking out, I noticed a sign at the checkout counter that was all about some new product, "Nutri Clean" or something like that. It's some fruit and vegetable cleansing process that removes all the pesticide residue from the outside of the fruits and veggies. So there is this sign that says somwthing like, "NutriClean is a method of washing fruits and vegetables that has been proven to remove all traces of pesticide residue. Organic is a method and system of farming and does not guarantee that your fruits and vegetables are completely pesticide free." Or something like that.

Are they fucking kidding with that shit? And you know what, I bet it works. I bet there are many people who probably believe that if they buy NutriClean food, they are buying as good as organic. Because organic is just a method of farming!!! Are they kidding? That's the worst kind of public relations and I am embarassed to be part of that industry at times (and this is one of those times)! And sure, you do the NutriClean and so you have no pesticides on the outside of your fruit...but how the hell was it grown? And what did it do to the environment? And what kind of frankenfruit is it made of? And what kind of pesticides are on the inside? I mean, COME ON! It's embarassing!

Also...I finally understand why, when I was little, my mom used to make us clean up before the cleaning lady came. I never understood that. "Clean your room!" she would say, "Dorothy is coming tomorrow." Dorothy was our cleaning lady...And I used to argue with my mother about that...because it just did not make any sense...why, I would ask her, would I clean up if the cleaning lady was coming? Don't we want her to clean...isn't that what we are paying her for? But I am having the cleaning lady come tomorrow and I need to clean up...so now I get it...

I admit it...it would be nice to meet a man that I connect with; someone to date, a playmate, a soulmate. However...I will say this...I LOVE my girlfriends! Today I spent time with just girls...Running and lunch with T___ this morning, afternoon stroll and shopping with the Monkey, lounging and Sex and the City with T____,B____ and M_____ this evening, Pesach planning with R____ and J____ T. It was, all in all, a great day full of positive female energy. These days are important to have - and T____ really needed this after her weeks with the boys in Australia - and are a good reminder that no matter how much you may hope to someday have a lifelong partnership with a man, you can never forget the power and the importance of the girls.

I miss Grandma. You would think after nearly nine years, I would better accept her death. But I think I am still in denial about it. I am excited to be surrounded by the energy of her memory at Passover, when I feel it especially strongly.