I am getting excited for the Presidential campaign to really heat up! Twelve years ago (12 years!) I was looking forward to primary season...it was a little different being on the East Coast and road tripping to New Hampshire to volunteer for Bob Kerry (my first choice candidate)...and then, of course, being so active in the College Democrats and then working for the Massachusetts Democratic Party. I was at the center of the action! And then, I was graciously given the most amazing opportunity and experience, hired as the Massachusetts student coordinator for Clinton Gore/Victor 92...so of course this time around it will be a bit different. But somehow, I suspect I will be no less emotionally involved. In fact, I have a hunch I may be even more personally connected this time around. Because at this point, age 31, I know how crucial this is. In 1991/1992, when I was 19/20 years old, getting ready to graduate college, facing my adult life and my college loans, thinking about what kind of world I wanted to help create, all I wanted was a President that reflected my values and stood for the same kinds of things I stood for. That's why I was/am a Democrat, and have been for as long as I can remember (okay, when I was in fifth grade I had a brief moment where I tried to campaign at school for Lew Lehrman to be Governor of New York against Mario Cuomo because I believed so strongly in the death penalty; and in 7th grade I debated Beth Goldstein at a school assembly over the abortion issue - and I argued the anti-choice side! Clearly things changed - dramatically). But now, I am 31...I still want a President that reflects my values and stands for what I do. But I am not looking to change the world like I was when I got swept up in the Clinton Gore movement. Instead, I am looking to make sure there still is a world in generations to come.

=========

Why is it that some people (not me) are more cut out for corporate America than other people (me)? It's the part of me that is like my dad. The part that is creative and thinks big; but also the part that doesn't like authority or rules. Why, after seven years, have I still not managed to fit into this environment?

My friend Peter has a mantra that goes something like this, "Don't do anything just yet. The right thing to do will become obvious. Until then, just keep going with the flow." He has said it to me many times in the past. Times when I was thinking about breaking up with A___ (I did) or trying to figure out how/if to date Broadway (ouch) or toying with quitting my job at Levi's after only a few short months (I did)...It seems like such obvious advice. But it is also quite useful. I often use it on myself when I don't know what to do in a situation. It helps me to stop and take a breath before I dive head first into a decision. Maybe that's wimpy of me, but I actually think it saves me from taking steps I may later regret. Every day for the past week or so I have been reminding myself of this notion...to not do anything until the right thing to do becomes obvious. Of course, it's about a boy. I wish those things could be more cut and dried...that the right thing to do would be easy to determine. Alas, I am not so lucky. So I wait for the right thing to become obvious. And until then I try to be patient. Of course I take small steps, steps that seem at once right and crucial for sanity-preservation, while also seeming immature - like deleting him from my instant messenger or from my cell phone.

Will dealing with the opposite sex always seem like a repeat of high school, only older, with higher stakes?

What a great few days I have had...dinner last night was nothing but laughs (much needed after that heavy movie, Mystic River (which, incidentally, was beautifully acted and directed) and dinner tonight with one of my favorite husband and wife pairs was fabulous. They gave me a lot to think about as far as what I am passionate about and what is important to me. I am so grateful for friends like these.


On another note, sometimes I do not look people in the eye. It is something I have started to notice lately...and I don't like it. Usually it's people like the counterperson at a deli or the cashier at my lunch place. It's terrible and I don't know where it comes from but I have been making a concerted effort to stop it. I wonder how much better a community it could be if we were all able to look each other in the eye.

I am not feeling inspired. These business school applications are a bitch. About what am I most passionate? What is most important to me in the world? How am I supposed to answer those questions in 800 words? Especially after the whole rigarmarole with entering your undergraduate grades (which, by the way, is incredibly depressing...I mean, I knew I was doing poorly in school while I was there but I guess I didn't realize how poorly. And now that I see the grades, in hindsight, I think about how much I wasted by not paying more attention to the books and less attention to the boys!).

Even harder than writing the essays, I think, will be having other people read them. I mean, they are so personal and I will be looking for critiques...I am not sure I trust anyone enough to have them read and offer their perspective on these essays. Yet I have to do it. I am hoping that this blogwriting, knowing that I write really personal things and people read it and probably think some (or all of it) sucks and they see the typos and all that...I am hoping that it helps to make the essay-sharing a bit easier.

I love my mom.

On our drive home from Livingston, the chicken center of California, today, B__ and I listened to Governor Ahnold's first press conference. I will say that he did a good job of just handling the media. To be expected, of course, with his years of experience doing so. And he definitely seems likable. He makes jokes and he sounds honest. I have no doubt that his intentions are sincere. And my belief in this actually grew during the course of the press conference. Unfortunately, he still sounds like, well, like an idiot. I mean, he has no real plans for California other than to hire a team of independent auditors and see where our deficit is and then make some decisions about cutting services (because, as he reiterated today, he is not going to raise taxes). Unfortunately there is no place to cut from anymore, unless, of course, you count education, health care and the other safety net services government provides to those most in need. So, as I listened to the press conference, decided I like Ahnold well enough as a person (I guess) and decided he is still unqualified for anything remotely like governing, I wondered, "why did he even want this job?" As he said today, there will be no time for movies, there will be no time for anything (after all, California is a big state - he actually said this). Instead, he will be spending the next three years trying to figure out how to deal with the issues he inherited from Gray Davis, who inherited them from Pete Wilson. It's a losing proposition, I don't know why he wanted it or why the Republican Party wanted it (and I am sure they wondered that, too, during his press conference when he advocated work permits and visas for undocumented immigrants and talked about clean air, which sounded suspiciously like clean ears). I don't know why they didn't just wait it out, let the Dems continue to flail and then pounce on the Governor's office when they could really win. As it is, California is SCREWED and unless and until we repeal Proposition 13 so we can start getting some more money in the state's coffers - money we should have been collecting since, oh, I don't know, 1978! - we are not going to be able to dig out of it. We will never make money again like we did in the 90s...well, at least not for a while. We need the taxes and these homeowners and businesses who benefit from Prop. 13 are simply not paying their share. But, alas, Prop. 13 is untouchable for some reason...I guess the people who benefit from it have tons of money and tons of influence (the rich get richer)...so we will be screwed for a while.

==============================

The wedding last weekend was amazing. So much love in the room. So much happiness. So much fun! The Aussie's were everything I expected them to be. They were crazy and they were fun and they were so inviting. Eri was, of course, the most gorgeous bride and J___ is stunning, too. Their families are clearly in love with each other and are so thrilled that these two found each other. I swear, from the time I arrived in Morristown, New Jersey on Friday night til I left on Sunday morning (at 5am), my cheeks hurt from smiling (except I wasn't really smiling so much during my 3 hour run). The square-dance ho-down on Friday, the incrediblly beautiful ceremony Saturday, the amazing reception Saturday night...all of it had me smiling ear to ear. The bride and groom were so gracious...the guests were so fond of them both and therefore, we were all so fond of each other...it felt like I had known them all for longer than the few hours I had known them. By the end of the reception, when I was standing on the dance floor with my arms around Fiona, Dave and Nicola swaying back and forth and singing this Australian song about a one night stand that everyone knows the words to (kind of like their version of singing the Piano Man at the end of a drunken night in college!), I realized that this wedding was exactly what it was supposed to be - a gathering of Eri and J___'s favorite people all sharing their love.

This marriage bar was set so low until some of my friends started getting married. Now I feel like the bar is set awfully high.

Shit. Ahnold is our Governor. Oh well, what can you do? Hope for the best, I guess. I mean, let's be honest...I hope he succeeds. I mean, if he can turn things around, more power to him, right? I am highly skeptical that he will actually do this - with a very small percentage of the budget going towards discretionary spending, the Governor does not actually have a lot of sway - but in truth, I hope he succeeds because California will be a better place if he does. Hopefully I will be gone by then, though, and will come back when a real Governor takes office.

Bright spots - both right-wing supported propositions failed.

In some ways the last 24 hours or so has been pretty interesting as far as national affairs goes. I mean, this whole business of an investigation into the "tawdry" tactics of the Bush administration outing Ambassador Wilson's wife as a CIA operative is rather interesting. Of course, the Democrats, seeing a political opportunity (and let's face it, that's what this is) are calling for a "special prosecutor" - a la Ken Starr, I suppose. Ha...we should be so lucky. Seems John Ashcroft has bigger balls than Janet Reno ever did and I have a strong feeling he won't bow to that pressure. At least not without a major fight. The Dems have a point, though. I mean, when the Justice Department calls the White House counsel's office and tells him to send a memo to the staff that they will be required to cooperate fully with the investigation, and the White House Counsel asks if he can wait a few hours before sending the memo out, and the Justice Department says okay...well, you see, that's a problem. Whether that is standard operating procedure or not is irrelevant. It seems wrong and that is enough to make the whole thing suspect. But even if a special prosecutor was appointed, the chances of getting one that is as rabidly opposed to this adminstration as Starr was to Clinton's are slim to none. I am interested to watch the whole thing as it unfolds. Though, knowing Karl Rove and his band of dirty operators, they will create some other kind of news (perhaps find another (fake) mobile weapons lab?) to get this stuff out of the headlines.

In other news, seems the Texas Republicans are now fighting with each other over their illegal, racist and downright dirty power grab aka redistricting! Ha...wouldn't it be ironic if it ended up not happening because the Republicans, after steamrolling the Democrats, couldn't quite bring themselves to fall lokstep behind the wishes of their fearless jackal Tom DeLay? I would laugh my ass off if the redistricting fell through.

And Arianna is out of the race. As if her two percent will help anyone at this point.

According to Jewish teaching, you cannot ask God to forgive you for a transgression against another person, people must work that out on their own. I like that teaching because it keeps us on the hook for our behavior. Of course, just because I like it does not mean that it's easy to do.

I remember last year I asked R___ to forgive me. It was hard to do...we were standing by a tree at the Pacific Grove triathlon and I somehow managed to get it out. He was quite gracious about it and, in keeping with his good character, did forgive me. So he said. I chose/choose to trust him. Of course, I was desperate for his forgiveness, having harbored both guilt and regret for several months at that point.

In my current scenario, there is neither guilt, regret or romance involved..it's like, I have forsaken a friendship, which was the right thing to do...I just don't like how I went about doing it...and it is for that I am seeking forgiveness. The Days of Awe last for about 8 more days...I am hoping to figure it out before this period ends.

L'Shana Tova...Happy New Year. L'Shana Shalom. Peaceful New Year.

Sundown today is Rosh Hashana, the day that marks the start of the Jewish New Year and the beginning of the period of reflection, which ends at sundown on October 6, Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement. The year is 5764 on the Jewish calendar.

I think Jews everywhere have different interpretations of this important period of reflection. In fact, Jews everywhere have different interpretations of just about everything, so why not this. Having discovered my connection to this holy period on my own, I have also created my own sacred space around it. Jewish sages believed that this season of reflection is meant to be an opportunity to examine our souls, to recognize where we may have done wrong, or fallen down, and reconcile with each other and with our God. I like to approach these next few weeks as a bit of a cleansing period, a time to look on the past year and see my growth (or lack thereof) as honestly as I am able. That's the reflection part for me. Not to re-live the memories of the past year, though that can be fun...but rather to really hold a mirror up to the kind of person I have been and see how close I have gotten to the person I want to be. I tend to find that I am more of the person I want to be year after year. Perfect, no. But more honest, more sincere, less judgmental and more loving. Usually.

The other part of this season is atonement. Again, there are different interpretations about this practice. I see this period of atonement as a time to seek forgiveness from each other and ourselves. I believe that by seeking, and granting, this forgiveness, we are accessing the God within each of us and, therefore, in the process seeking and receiving God's forgiveness, too. I try to take this atonement thing seriously. You see, in the reflection process I inevitably stumble on several occasions in which I have "wronged" another person. Usually it's not malicious, just misguided. When I can see it, I try to ask forgiveness. If possible, I ask the person directly. Sometimes that's too hard to do...in those cases I try to forgive myself for my behavior and I secretly vow to not repeat the behavior. Not sure if that counts in the atonement rules...I mean, do I actually need to call someone up and seek forgiveness, like Step 4 of the 12 Step program? I don't know...maybe. I should ask a Rabbi about that one. I will probably ask a Reform Rabbi since those rules seem to be more lax.

==================

One thing I am really sick of is the constant characterization of the California recall as some kind of circus. Yes, it is ridiculous that we are having this recall. But we are having it and it is crucial that the voters take it seriously. Regardless of how people feel about Gray Davis, regardless of whether or not you support his ouster, this election is serious business, as is every election. Sure, there are 135 candidates - including porn stars, children of basketball stars, former child stars, action-movie stars, etc. - but that does not make it any less of an election. Circus, maybe. But that was what they said about Florida in 2000 and look where it got us.

Why is it that just about everyone in my family lives in one of the two states with an international reputation for ridiculous election shenanigans? Shit, my mom lives in the actual county in Florida that was home to the butterfly ballot controversy.

One of these days I will laugh at it...not take it so seriously. I don't see it happening anytime soon. But a girl can dream!

================

Watched part of the Democratic presidential candidates' debate last night. I still don't know who I will end up supporting. But I must say, I am liking them all better and better (okay, except for Dennis Kucinich who is just a little creepy). Yes, it is unfortunate that they have to lash out at each other...but I think they are doing a good job of not going overboard in doing so while at the same time hammering away at George Bush. John Kerry seemed strong and more passionate than usual. Howard Dean, the target of those who were on the attack, did a good job of fending them off and also reminding us all that the real target should be George Bush. Wes Clark was fine. He is a looker, that guy. And I thought it took BIG BALLS for him to show up to a policy wonky debate after only 9 days on the campaign trail. That meant, of course, that he didn't have a lot of specific answers. But he was good...and he showed up, which, in my opinion, showed something special about him - he can think on his feet, he can perform under pressure. Don't get me wrong, I don't think for one minute that he wasn't expertly prepped by a team of, well, experts. But there is only so much you can do in only 9 days. Carol Moseley-Braun did a great job, too. I don't take her candidacy too seriously, let's face it, she won't win. But I do take her more seriously after seeing her debate last night. She represented herself well and she was careflu to always remind viewers that the Democratic Party is the party of fiscal responsibility and prosperity (a la Bill Clinton). Well done Ambassador!

Joe Lieberman, well, he's just boring. He is a bit of an anachronism within this crowd. I don't know why but for some reason he represents to me the losing past of the Democratic Party. I mean, technically we didn't lose in 2000. But we sure didn't win, right? And that was him...his campaign with Al Gore. So I just don't like him being part of this group. But he is a good orator and a lot of people liike him. And, you know, I do like seeing a nice Jewish boy in the mix! Dick Gephardt is cool. A nice liberal Democrat. He will never win. But he is passionate and energized and we need that in our party. So he's good to have in the mix. Bob Graham did a great job, despite seeming like the Grandpa in the group. Everyone talks about him for VP...I did like him last night, though I hate the fact that he voted to support Miguel Estrada for the federal bench. Pure pandering on his part. But he did a good job, represented my Party well.

John Edwards...I don't know about him. I mean, he is good, he is smart, he is handsome. But he may be a little too slick for me. And I have to say that I am inherently suspicious of a politician with a Southern accent. It was one of the things that turned me off to Bill Clinton during the primaries in 1991/1992. I am not saying it's rational, it just is. But Edwards is good...sharp, well-spoken, committed, passionate. All things we need to be portraying to the voters right now. Al Sharpton is just damn funny. And has a better grasp of the issues than I would have ever given him credit for. Every movement needs its fringe and I think Al Sharpton serves a good purpose - he keeps the African American base engaged, he provides comic relief and, because he is such an unlikely candidate, he has the freedom to say some of the things other candidates may be too afraid to say.

And so I am hopeful.

So the recall is on. I surprise myself by feeling like that's the right and proper decision (my keen legal analysis brought me to this conclusion!). I am ready to be done with the whole thing anyway. I have yet to really entertain the idea that Arnold might win...I just cannot, as "they" say, "go there." Driving home from Modesto today I saw a car with an Arnold bumper sticker...I actually laughed out loud. It seemed absurd to me that anyone would support him...that anyone really wants Arnold Schwarzenegger to be Governor! Anyway, I am ready for it to be done with and I am going to try not to get too caught up in it on Election Day. I mean, I will vote and I wlil be eager to learn the outcome...Hopefully No on Recall will prevail. But if it doesn't, well, I am hoping I can find the humor in it all - regardless of who becomes Governor - and know that I can easily leave the state if it gets out of hand.

I definitely live in interesting times.

I listened to Bush's speech to the United Nations today. Has there ever been a President of the United States less inspiring than this guy? His speech was fine, I guess. His delivery was fine...I mean, other than his usual nuke-yu-ler pronunciation he didn't fuck up too much (and for the record, I think that his incorrect pronunciation of that word is, in itself, a punishable offense). But his speech was so uninspiring. Leaving everyone to read between the lines, never apologizing for his steamroll of the UN, and never once acknowledging that he needs the UN's help right now, that he was wrong about going it alone. Not that he needs to grovel...he doesn't...the United States should not need to beg for help, even in this case when we fucked up and everyone knows it. But if we - and by "we" I mean the so-called leaders who are meant to represent all Americans on the world stage - if we showed even the slightest bit of humility, I am convinced it would go a long way. Alas this cowboy, this wanna-be soldier George Bush...he knows not of humility.

Apparently Wes Clark is leading in a new poll...strangely, I think, in that he has only been a real candidate for a few days. I think it's a good sign, though. I think it demonstrates that people are looking for something, someone to get them excited. Yes, I know, everyone talks about how Dean gets people really excited. But you know, so do all the candidates. I mean, there are people who are very excited about John Kerry (I was one of them long ago and I would enthusiastically support him if he became our party's candidate); strange as I may find it, there are people excited about Joe Lieberman (am I a bad Jew that I am not one of them?); I have seen the excitement Dennis Kucinich excites in people; Carole Moseley-Braun got people so excited that the National Organization for Women (NOW) endorsed her! So there is no shortness of excitement surrounding the Democratic party's presidential candidates. I think Dean gets a lot of the attention because, let's face it, the media still thinks the Internet is "cool" - I am not convinced the suits in charge of our corporate media really get the Internet - and because Dean's campaign has brilliantly harnessed the power of the Internet in a way the American presidential campaign has never seen. That and the fact that Dean's supporters are - or at least seem to be - scrappier than the other candidates' supporters. I mean, Dean himself is scrappier than the rest of them. Out of all the candidates, he is the one I can most envision rolling up his sleeves and getting shit done. Anyway, Clark, I think, is the first candidate to come along that inspires a similar scrappiness in people...I think he has that "roll-up-his-sleevesness" that Dean has. But something about him is more...I don't know...Presidential? I hate that word...It's such a media fabrication. But when you stand them next to each other, certainly they both have the credentials to be President, Clark and Dean...but side by side, I don't know...I think Clark has something an extra something...a Presidential quality that only appears lacking in Dean when a candidate like Clark is in the race. It doesn't hurt that Wes Clark is a total babe.

Feeling a bit smarty-pants today! I finally got the GMAT over with yesterday and I must say, I am quite shocked, but proud, of my performance! I had hoped for a high score...meaning something in the 600s. Since I hadn't gone higher than 650 on a practice test, I hoped I could go that high on the real thing. Imagine my surprise when I completed the test, the demographics questions after it and the "are you sure you want your scores" section, when "750" popped up on the screen! 99th percentile. Go me!
================

What a week...the same day I outperform my wildest dreams on the GMAT...at the same exact time, actually...Wesley Clark announced his candidacy for President. I sense good days ahead.

Hot shit. Sounds like the Federal Appeals Court has preliminarily ruled to postpone the recall. Gotta love the Ninth Circuit...they are always stirring it up. There is not a great deal of information out just yet, as it was just announced. And it sounds like it is an initial ruling, probably by a 3-judge panel. It probably has to go to the full panel and then a decision will be forthcoming. Fascinating. All around, this recall has been an amazing learning experience, regardless of the outcome. I mean, I always knew politics was bizarre. But this recall has taken that to a new level.

President Clinton is in California. Sometimes, if I close my eyes I can almost forget he is not the President anymore. Almost. I hear he gave a rousing speech in Los Angeles, railing against the recall and urging Californians to vote against it. This week a number of prominent national Democrats are making their way to California to get the "party faithful" out and voting on October 7 in the hopes that the recall fails or else that Bustamante wins if the recall prevails. I wonder if that sort of thing works. I mean, is it possible that people who are otherwise disengaged - or perhaps just underengaged - can be swayed to vote a particular way just because they see the Governor with another politician they like? I guess it is...otherwise campaigns would not use the tactic. It just seems, I don't know, somehow implausible to me.

=====================

I wonder when Wesley Clark is going to make his announcement. "They" say he is 90 percent certain to run. Part of me hopes he does and part of me hopes he doesn't. I don't want there to be such disunity in the Party that the candidates start attacking each other and basically write Bush's re-election campaign script for him. And I definitely think that if Clark stayed out, Dean would be our man and I think - I know - he can pull out a win. Dream scenario - they get together, Dean and Clark, and decide to run as a ticket and approach the primaries now, as a ticket. They can lock it up. I don't think it matters who is at the top of the ticket either. Either way, I am confident this is a winning strategy. I had long hoped, during the 2000 campaign, that Al Gore would take this approach...I thought it would be a good way to shore up his messaging and balance his negatives early enough that he would be at full strength for the entire length of the election season and come into the general election with a commanding lead and a decisive win.

============

Rumor has it J-Lo and Ben broke up.

How can I celebrate the joy of living while at the same time I mourn the loss of life?

The second anniversary of the September 11 attacks is coming on Thursday. I cannot believe it's been two years. It simultaneously feels like it has been two minutes and two centuries since that day. I have noticed an "uptick" in media coverage of 9/11-related topics. I have kind of enjoyed it, actually, in some ways it gives voice to the things I think about daily. I mean, 9/11 may have happened two years ago but it is in my consciousness every single day, and I suspect it will be for a long time to come. So to see it covered in the newspaper or on television, well, seems right to me.

As I read the articles in the New York Times or see the footage on the Today show, I wonder what it must be like for the people closest to the events of that horrific day (how many adjectives are there to describe the day?). I wonder about this a lot, actually. I know what it is to mourn the death of a dear, close relative. When my grandmother died, it rocked my world (and still does nearly nine years later). But I cannot imagine the horror of losing someone in those terrorist attacks. It seems worse, somehow. Maybe because everyone in the world saw it happen...maybe not live, but eventually, they saw the images of the plans flying into the buildings, the falling Towers, the crashed plane on the ground in Pennsylvania. Maybe it is because the whole world is grieving with you...sort of...but unless they have walked in your shoes on this one, there is no way they can understand. Maybe it seems worse because you do not get a lot of privacy around your grief. I know that every year on the anniversary of her parents' deaths, my mother lights a Yorzheit candle to mark their passing. In her house, in private, she lights the candle. There are no newspaper articles about it. No analysis in the weeks leading up to it. Nobody wondering what she is up to now that __ years have passed since they died. No public memorial.

But the relatives and friends of the 9/11 victims have no such privacy with their mourning. The day is one that is observed by people around the world - a fact that I am certain brings both comfort and rage to victims' families.

Anyway, as I have been absorbing the media focus on the second anniversary of the attacks, I have been thinking of the impact on my own family. And my mind turned, as it often does, to Stephen, who, like many CantorFitzgerald employees, was killed on that day. And to Gregory, Stephen's twin brother, and Aileen, Greg's wife (and my cousin). Gabrielle, Stephen's widow, and their daughter, Madeline. Stephen's twelve brothers and sisters, his parents, the kids he used to coach in football, all the hundreds of people who knew and loved him. And my heart goes out to them.

Today I sent Greg a note. I wanted to let him know I was thinking of him. Somehow it seemed better to send it today, rather than on Thursday. Because I know he mourns daily, not just on the anniversary. And to send it on the anniversary seemed, I don't know, cheap. In truth, I want to reach out to him every day...but as usual, life gets in the way. But as the anniversary approaches, I wanted to send him my love, let him know Stephen lives on in me and that on September 11 I will take a special moment of reflection in Stephen's honor.

Greg wrote me back. Said 2003 was an especially hard year. I cried. I can only imagine. The first year the shock keeps you insulated for a while. The newness of the absence keeps things from seeming, I don't know, real. Everyone rushes to your side, helps you through those first treacherous months. You try to get through day-by-day, without too much thought to a future beyond the next ten minutes. In many religions, the end of a year mark signifies the "official" end of mourning. Somewhere it was decided that one year is enough time to get over it - or at least enough time to get on with it. But after this time passes and you are doing your best to "get on with it," I would imagine the reality of the loss starts to set in. He isn't coming back. This is forever. And I think that must be the hardest part. The long-term view of a life without your twin brother, your best friend. The thought itself sends my mind reeling.

Come Thursday, I will do what I can to commemorate the day. It will surely not seem like enough. But it will have to do. And I will take a moment to honor Stephen and his family. And I will try to honor the memories of the thousands of men and women whose lives were taken that day. And next year, I will do it again.

I think I want Wesley Clark to run. I do not know if I will in fact leave the Dean camp to support him...but I want to see him, hear him, get his vibe...I think he can do all of us a great service by running. Real options, that's what I want. He seems to have the courage it takes to get in the ring. And much as I hate to admit it, I have a feeling I would support his candidacy...based on the little I know about him already, I can see our issue viewpoints are nicely aligned. Moreso than Howard Dean...I do think Howard Dean is amazing. And who knows...Clark might not run or I might not end up liking him as a candidate after all...and then I am happy to be an early Dean supporter.

Maybe that makes me wishy washy...fickle. I don't care about the judgments. Bush MUST lose. And that is overwhelmingly more important than my need to be loyal to a candidate because, well, because I said I liked him early on.

I really like Howard Dean for President. He's articulate, he has inspired a passionate following of people whom, I believe, are willing to do whatever it takes to get him elected (though I do fear that some are too, well, just too nice to get down and dirty with the likes of Karl Rove). This is important for a candidate to be successful in the primaries. I like him a lot...he speaks with a voice that in many ways, on many important issues speaks for me. If the primary election was today, I would certainly vote for him.

HOWEVER...

I am not going to lie...I like Wesley Clark. And not only because he has - or seems to have - impeccable military credentials, useful for a wartime candidacy. But because on just about every issue, from what I can tell, he takes a perspective similar to mine. Now, I am getting all this info from the DraftWesleyClark web site, on which there is an entire section dedicated to his stance on a range of issues. These Clark enthusiasts, not me, did a great deal of research to determine his views...since he isn't a candidate yet there are no official position papers. Anyway, they culled information from his hundreds of media appearances, his book, his articles and other bits of evidence to determine his perspective on a range of issues, from affirmative action and gun control to taxes and immigration. And while it's rare to find someone with whome you can agree on every issue, I will say this...his positions seem to align very closely with mine...moreso than Dean's do in some cases.

So far, nobody knows if he is actually going to run. And if he does, I think it will throw a lot of things into turmoil. I would venture to guess that there are quite a few people like me who like Dean because he is the best candidate out of this field of nine but maybe haven't quite signed on to him 100 percent. Sure, I have been trying to get my politically-minded friends to take a look at Dean. And I read the Dean campaign's blog daily (the jolt of energy from his supporters that comes through on that site is unbelievably inspiring). But I haven't gone to a Meetup (though I keep saying I will) and I haven't given money. I haven't bought a t-shirt or a button or a window sign.

I guess I am still waiting to see if anyone emerges that has the Dean energy and the passion of Dean's supporters and also has that special something that gets me all fired up...Ever since talk of a Clark candidacy started circulating I have wondered what I would do if it actually happened. I wondered if it was too early to commit to my candidate already. So, I give General Clark until October 1 to make some kind of an announcement. After that, I am Dean all the way. But until then, he has the potential to sway me. I am not saying for sure that it will happen...but I am open to it.

Rumor has it that Wesley Clark is making some sort of announcement on Inside Politics today regarding his potential candidacy. People are also talking about a Clark/Dean ticket (though I am not sure in what order). I have to admit, Clark is a compelling candidate. I do like Dean, and I do think Dean can win (the nomination and the general election). But I also think Clark would have an easier time of it. I would like a Dean/Clark ticket, I think...Either way it went. Though I really like Dean at the top of the ticket.

Great article by David Talbot today on salon.com. Check it out You may have to scroll through some ads if you are not a subscriber).

===========================================================

Buzzie paid me the nicest compliment today. She told me that she has noticed over the last few months or so that I have gotten less defensive about things. That I seem more willing to be vulnerable...This is a compliment because I have been working so hard to get to such a place. To be nicer to myself (and therefore require others to be nicer to me!), to let people see the not-so-strong sides of me. I have found that it makes such a difference in the quality of my life. First of all, it is exhausting to spend all that energy doubting myself. And it is more fun when people can see all sides of you...it's easier...a weight lifted when you know that it's okay to not always know, to not always be right, to be sad once in a while, to get hurt. It sucks, for sure. But if you don't go through it you can't move past it. I really believe this. Not that you need to wallow. But if you don't feel your pain when it happens to you, you will never move past it to the next opportunity...because you will always be afraid of the pain you will never open yourself up to situations that, though they may cause much pain, have greater potential to bring joy and light. What's that saying, with great risk comes great reward? I trust now that this is true. Difficult to live by, but true nonetheless.

So I find myself in a position to really put this new sense of myself to the test! And it's not that easy to do! I mean, sure, when I am not in a difficult situation, when I am deling with my closest friends, it is easy to not be too defensive, to be vulnerable. But what about when I am in a situation like the one I am in...Can I still be honest about my feelings, even though it probably means I will be disappointed or hurt? Can I say that I am scared that because I was hurtful to him so long ago that he will be hurtful to me now? Can I admit that physical closeness with him is just not enough for me, that I want more, even though he says he can't offer much more right now? Can I really put myself out there like that? It's hard to admit these things to myself let alone to him. I mean, why mess with what it is right now - a fling...Who couldn't use a fling now and again? But for whatever reason, that's just not where I am right now.

I had a revelatory moment with myself today...I got home from his place this morning and I was exhausted, dragging my ass around my apartment and I passed a mirror...I don't usually look in the mirror for some reason (a whole separate topic for another time!)...but this time as I walked by I glanced. And I smiled at what I saw. Because as it turns out, I really like myself right now. And I actually said out loud, "Lynn (I refer to myself in the last name when I want to get my attention!), what are you doing? You deserve more than this." And so I do. Which is not to denigrate him in any way whatsoever. He is fabulous and if he were willing, I would want to try again...try for real. But as long as that's not what he wants, I can't do the other. I can't have the physical without the emotional. I never was any good at separating the two anyway.

After my short stint of jury duty today I can say with certainty that it is no wonder that our legal system is, well, really f*d up. Jury duty is made to be a chore - parking costs more than you get paid for attending. You sit in a dungeon-ous room for three hours only to have your name read out by an illiterate clerk telling you it is okay to go home, the case was settled. What a waste of time. Of course the case was settled. That's what lawsuits are about these days. I suppose on some level I am supposed to be glad that the parties settled their differences. But at the same time, I have a feeling they never intended to go through with the lawsuit. They used the legal system as a threat. And then it came down to the wire. Someone blinked. And for their charade, I had to spend my afternoon in the basement of 400 McAllister. At least I had a good book to read (The Namesake by Jhumpa Lahiri).

I certainly didn't expect to think about him this much. It used to be that I would see him and then I would think about him a lot...for a few days. Then it was back to normal...And I didn't really think of him much until I saw him again. And perhaps that's what is going on right now. I did just see him on Wednesday night. And so it's been a few days and I am still thinking about him...Maybe it will wear off like it usually does. But I don't know. I am afraid that it won't. Because we, you know, we kissed. And as much as I thought (and even said) that kissing wouldn't be a big deal...doesn't have to mean anything...I am not sure that's actually true. Sure, when I was 24 it was true. It might have even been true when A___ and I first broke up and I was "sowing my wild oats" so to speak. But I don't know if it's true anymore. Oy.

==========

I cannot believe (p)Resident Bush is spending today, Labor Day, with union workers. As though he has done anything to help working men and women. Who is he kidding? The only working people he has taken care of are the ones in the executive offices...And the lobbyists who work hard for his special interests...I have faith that Americans are smarter than this...He didn't win the first time but the courts appointed him. Hopefully the American people will see that it's crucial that he lose by a wider margin. So there can be no interpretation of our outright rejection of his policies and his politics.

It's not that I hate George Bush...that would certainly require more energy than I can devote to him right now. I would rather spend my juju loving and admiring a candidate who speaks for me and to me than hating him. But he does make me angry. Not so much because I disagree with him on most issues...and I do. But really it's because he is a liar. He lies stright to my face about things that are important. Some will say that Clinton was a liar, too. And I guess he was. He lied about having an affair with a 24 year old. I can't blame him for lying but it was bad and I felt betrayed by it for sure. And certainly I do not expect politicians to tell the truth all the time. They are, after all, people and nobody is 100% honest all the time, so politicians are no exception. But Bush...he lies and then lies about lying. And it's not about blowjobs and cigars. It's about war. And weapons of mass destruction. It's about educational opportunities and voting rights. It's about things that matter to the rest of us.

Sometimes it is best to leave things out of the blog. I am still learning the boundaries with this device. But some things, I just know, do not belong. I think I have crossed proper boundaries before and I am trying not to do so again, ever mindful of sharing too much or, worse, boring the person who reads this with the intimate details of my life.

I did have a good night last night, though. A pleasant surprise of a Wednesday evening. Good times with an old friend. Random. But really fun.

There is so much to say, where do I begin?

I want to capture everything about Lance's Ironman day. But I cannot do that because it was not my race. I only saw it from the outside and so to try to put into words what the day was like for will certainly not do it justice - and the last thing I want to do is make Lance's race about me. I can only continue to marvel at the depth to which Lance was able to dig to in order to pull out a finish.

I will say that it was nice to go away for the weekend. Far away. And to be able to watch and support the several thousand men and women trying to complete Ironman was a privilege all its own. Ironman is raw...sure there are other endeavors that are raw, too. But Ironman is the one I can relate to these days. And going there this weekend truly inspired me to tackle the challenge again. To test myself...to access those parts of me that I see most clearly in the thick of the challenge. To learn about who I am, to stretch my limits, to forgive myself, to learn patience.

============

I think my GMAT prep teacher is kind of cute. I don't know what it is about a funny, smart guy that gets me everytime! I am a sucker for a brain and a sense of humor...too bad I am GMAT challenged...no way to transform that teacher/student relationship into something else...

What an amazing weekend. Lance finished Ironman...I get the chills thinking about it. Finally, the 5th of the "Fab Five" got to do his race. And he did it in style...he was the celebrity of the day out there. I wouldn't have missed it for the world. I am so impressed with him for perservering and getting to the finish line...He was an Ironman two years in the making...He already had it when he got there, but he wanted the medal to close the chapter. And he got it. And it was one of the most amazing things I was ever witness to. Those last two and a half miles to the finish, when we were all together, were so intense and so gratifying. I have never personally witnessed a person "dig deep" the way I did on Sunday.

I want to write a lot more about it... but my throat and lungs are sore from the weekend...the 18 mile run and the 18 hour day would have been enough. But then all of Kelowna and the areas surrounding Penticton had to go and burn down...so it feels like I have a touch of the black lung. Time for bed...

Lance...amazing. Truly amazing.

Dinner at Kamal's tonight was fantastic. The food was excellent (homemade Indian), the company was lovely and the conversation was, as usual, stimulating and satisfying. As we sat in Kamal's living room discusison everything from sexual harrassment lawsuits to hair salons to the ridiculous California recall, it occurred to me, as it usually does in this group of people, how lucky I am that these people love me. I am sure they, too, feel lucky to know me...but I most definitely am grateful for the gift of their friendship.

We did discuss the recall election - how can you not? - but none of us could stomach the conversation for too long. I could only hope, as the eight of us sat in the living room vigorously agreeing with each other on the inanity of the recall and the embarassment that would be Arnold as our governor - though disagreeing on some of the finer points, like should Davis be allowed to be a candidate and should you get to vote for a candidate if you vote against the recall - I could only hope that our group is representative of voting Californians around the state and that this recall will not succeed. Sure, if it succeeds, I want Bustamante to win. But mostly I don't want it to succeed. Not because I especially love Gray Davis - I think he sucks. But because in principle, I don't believe in a recall, just like I don't believe in term limits...we have a recall built into the system...it's called elections. If an elected official does something illegal, use the law to get rid of him or her. But you don't just get a do-over on an election. The voters spoke, we got what we asked for. If we don't like it we get to say so at the next election. That's the American way. Unless, of course, you live in California, where the person with the most money decides what we vote on...whether it's a recall campaign or a racist ballot initiative or some shortsighted tax reducing effort that only serves to worsen our already poor state school system.

-------------

I am very proud of my run today. A personal best for a half marathon...9:30 miles the whole way (on average...I actually had one 9:10 in there and a couple of 10s)...If I can find the time to get in all the training and the studying and work and, oh yeah, socializing, I think the marathon will be a blast.

-------------

I want one of my SF friends to get pregnant! I can hardly wait to be an aunty!

Weird...My stats page shows that someone has been reading this...a lot. Looks like someone read all the archives. Ha...strange. And I hope he or she wasn't too bored!

This recall election is really getting me down. Well, okay...it's not getting me down, necessarily. But it is driving me a little bit batty. As a Californian, I am a bit embarrassed! It is a popular pastime to make fun of California and the wacky ways here...but giving his kind of ammunition to would-be jokesters...it's just too much!

On a serious note, I feel somewhat angry about the recall. I mean, I feel as though on some level my voting rights have been violated. After all, we just had an election last year. I cast my vote, which was part of the majority vote, with the understanding that I would have an opportunity to vote again in four years. Isn't that what elections are about? Vote for a candidate, vote again in four years...if you don't like him orher, you can vote for someone else next time.

Then along comes a right wing money man and he decides he doesn't like the Governor (and I am sure he had plenty of nudging from Karl Rove and the compnay he keeps) and so he spends millions of dollars to pay people to collect enough signatures to put a recall on the ballot. And here we are.

Sure, people hate Gray Davis. I am not exactly a big fan of his. And there is something to be said for the fact that they secured enough signatures to get the thing on the ballot. But, I guess there is a part of me that really believes that a lot of the "enthusiasm" for the Gray Davis recall is actually a transference of anger at our country's leadership in general. People are pretty angry with George Bush...the economy sucks...we live in a constant state of fear. But we have no mechanism, except for the next Presidential election (GO HOWARD DEAN!) for getitng rid of the current administration. The recall in California is a way for voters to express their overall discontent with political leadership and to feel like they are able to do something about it. As they say, all politics is local. And so the recall is taking national discontent and giving the voters a local outlet.

George Bush and his merry band of idiots has got to go.

Now I am thinking I don't even know if I should do business school. Is it really what I want? If finding the enthusiasm to study for the GMAT is this hard, how am I going to get through? Why do I want to go to graduate school? Is there some other graduate school program that would be more suited to my interests, passions and long-term goals?

How do you decide? I don't know if I feel it as strongly as I want to feel it. I know I want to go to school again. I know there is more I want to learn. But business school? Is that right for me? Why not journalism school?

Pondering...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME.

I am blessed with an immeasurable amount of love in my life...friends I couldn't have dreamed I would one day have and family I couldn't have picked better myself (most of them!)! So far, my 31st birthday is turning out to be the best one yet. In the last two days I have laughed so hard, smiled so wide, hugged and been hugged so tightly - I have felt loved every way I turned...

I am blessed.

I just unpacked from my trip. It took me less than half an hour! I don't know why I always have such a hard time unpacking...when I finally put my mind to doing it, I learn the same thing every time - it's just not that hard and doesn't actually take that much effort or that much time.

It's my birthday on Saturday! I cannot believe I am going to be 31 years old! I don't know what it means, really...not sure why it seems odd to me. I think I just never really pictured life beyond a certain age...maybe beyond 26 or so. I don't know why. I think it's because I could never really visualize "adult" things for myself. I didn't exactly grow up with great marriage role models...and so that "dream" that little girls have of growing up and getting married, well...I didn't really experience that. Not that I didn't - or don't - want to get married. It just wasn't really something I paid too much attention to doing...I don't know what I paid attention to doing! I don't know what I thought 31 would be like. But this is for sure not what I envisioned...

I live alone. I have a great career. I am surrounded by so many loving friends and fun people to spend my time with. I do triathlons and marathons (for fun!). I live across the country from my mother, hundreds of miles from my sister and three thousand miles from two of my best friends. This is my 31. It's pretty good as far as lives go. But 31...it feels maybe a bit old...Like for being 31, I should have more to show for it. A kid maybe? A husband? A book published? An advanced degree? Maybe when I am 41 I will have all that?

GO AL! I love it! I wish he could run for President! Howard Dean should hire his speechwriter!

Hmmm. They changed this whole blogging thing. As if it wasn't difficult enough for me to use it...now they have to go change it? Well, I think it's time I buy the Blogging for Dummies book! Too bad I don't have someone from the Dean campaign doing my blog!

New York was awesome. Ironman was so fun...It was so weird driving into town...as if I was just there; as if one year hadn't passed since I crossed that finish line. I got really excited to watch the race...and even more excited to watch Buzzie and Ern and the rest of the kids do it! Buzzie cut it up out there! She had a great day...in spite of nonstop rain on the bike! Her marathon was 4:58! And that included walking! She kicked butt and I was so psyched for her to finish and finish strong. Her smile down the finish chute was unbelievable! I tried to get a picture but I may have been jumping up and down too much!

Unfortunately, the weather wreaked a bit of havoc with Ern's day and she missed the second bike cutoff by a mere nine minutes!!!! ARGH! So frustrating for her, I am sure. That is an ass-kicker of a ride - even one of the pros said he was going downhill at 9mph at one point because of the wind! So, she didn't get to cross the finish line! I was so bummed for her because I know she wanted to have that finish line feeling. Having crossed the finish line myself, I can assure anyone that the real work is getting to the start line, which she did. But sometimes it takes crossing the finish line, as it did for me, to realize that. So, Ern signed up for next year! She is going to do it again! YAHOO for her! I am so excited for us to be there together and be out on the course together and hopefully do some training together!

I have been totally out of the political loop since I have been away. It has been nice in a lot of ways, but I also felt a little cut off from the rest of the world...read the New York Times today for the first time in two weeks and realized just how much I love it.

And of course being in New York made me realize just how much I love it there. Not just the city, for sure I love that city. But I love being there. I love the friends I have there. I love that home feeling I just don't get anywhere else (except when hugging my mom). I hate the humidity. Really, it was brutal. And I wonder if I could live there again...it's so crowded and noisy and dirty. But it's home. I think. Or is this home? I don't know. But let me tell you, if Arnold Schwarzenegger becomes Governor of California, I will be packing my bags sooner rather than later.

Some study came out that said that people were leaving California to go to other states...as opposed to in the past when California was the promised land. I guess I find it hard to believe that people will be beating a path to our doorway with the Terminator as our Governor.

I just cannot get over how much fun I had in NYC and how great it was to hang out with old friends...I cannot believe I re-connected with kids from Howard Beach! It was so great to see them all...everyone looks exactly the same and everyone is doing so well! Is it weird to feel proud of people I have not been in touch with for 17 years? Maybe a little, but I am!

Joe and his restaurant! Candela on 16th between Park and Irving! It was so delicious! And he is the Executive Chef there! The food was awesome, the desserts were out of this world (especially that chocolate one) and the group was a blast!

Juliane, the successful corporate lawyer, happily married for eight years! Stephen, the successful solo practitioner lawyer, living with Joe in Battery Park City! I am telling you, that guy will be Mayor of NYC one day! Rob, in advertising and living on the Upper East Side with his beautiful new wife (who, incidentally, went to Dalton with Le'D)! Karyn, newly engaged and so happy about it! Stacey, happily married and a teacher for 11 years (she wasn't there but we chatted the next day by phone)!! Simon, living in LA and working as a lawyer (he called during dinner). Ian, living in San Diego, a licensed therapist (he wasn't there, but they told me). UNBELIEVABLE!

Anyway, it was so great to see them all and I really do hope we all keep in touch, even if it's just an email now and then to say hi and update each other on the paths our lives are taking!

I also thoroughly enjoyed spending time with Vaness. We had such a great time. So much quality time together talking and just deepening our already phenomenal friendship! I love that girl and I hope she gets every single thing she ever could hope for in her life!

PJ was also great to see. I love how our friendship has developed more since he moved than when he was living here.

It was, as it alwalys is, so great to see P____ L____. I love that guy! He is such a good friend and I so value our friendship. I hate that we live so far from each other. And I hope that things workout for him and R____. She is sweet and clearly in love with him and it would be nice for him to be with a woman whose first order of business is not relationship drama.

All in all, an amazing trip "home." And now that I am back in SF, I remember what I love about it here...the weather, the view, my friends here. I have to remember that I cannot expect to have as many friends here like the ones I have in NY. I don't know people in SF as long as I have known people in NY. So certainly I cannot expect to have the number of deep, close friendships with people I have known for a relatively short time that I have with my old NY posse.

Hm.

Holy shit...what a night! I went to something of a reunion with people I have known since kindergarten! Karyn Ammirati (with fiance), Juliane Kowalski (don't know her married name), Stephen Markman, Joey Macri and Rob Sena (with his wife who, incidentally, went to Dalton with Le'D!)! We met at Candela, Joey's restaurant where he is Executive Chef and part owner (I think)...it was awesome! The food was fantastic, the people were so fun! Everyone looks EXACTLY the same. I hadn't seen them since 1986! 17 years. Well, I saw Karyn a few years ago but hadn't seen the rest of them since my family moved to the city after junior high school! And everyone is so successful! Juliane and Stephen are lawyers, Joey with his restaurant, Rob does something with advertising and Karyn works at an executive search firm!!!

I have so much more to say about the evening but must go to sleep, as it's 130am in NYC and I am TIRED! I will say this, Joey Macri turned out to be quite a hottie...mmm mmm mmm.

Wow...I haven't written in a loooong time. It's hard to write on the road. I actually won't write much here except to say that I cannot believe I signed up for Ironman again! What am I thinking? I swear, I will be single and childless forever if I keep this up!!!

But it will be fun, I think...the group is a really fun group, though I am intimidated by their athletic abilities! They are all pretty much super studs...well, so be it...perhaps it will help me to get faster.

Much to say, no time to say it for now...I do love New York, though. It sure does feel like home after only a few hours!

TIRED!

I keep seeing Howard Dean bumper stickers around town...I think I am ready to commit...I think I am going to get one...

Check him out for sure...it's worth it.

www.deanforamerica.com


Even better is his blog - www.blogforamerica.com - and all the supporters' comments...I love it.

It's been a hard week to get any blogging done! It's one of those busy weeks, and when I do have a few moments to spare, I feel as though I should dedicate them to studying for that g.d. GMAT or sleeping...nothing so self-indulgent as blogging.

I am taking just a few minutes out of my workday to blog because I am feeling the need to get some thoughts down. I feel a tide turing against (p)Resident Bush and his team of cowboys. I am sorry to see that George Tenet is being made a fall guy, but something about this whole Niger/yellowcake thing smells like Rummy to me...

The other day, Bush made what I believe is one of the more incredulous statements of his presidency. He said (AND I QUOTE):

"We gave him a chance to allow the inspectors in, and he wouldn't let them in."

Is he kidding? This, need I remind people, is the same man who accused his opponents of being "revisionist historians." Pot. Kettle. Black.

I am liking Dean more and more and his efforts - and ability - to connect at the most grassroots level.

His blog is awesome and if I ever figure out how to get links on the side of this thing, I will link to it there.
====================================

Go Lance!!! I hope he wins...awesome display of talent the other day avoiding that crash, pulling a little cyclo-cross move! I love it! He's just such an amazing bundle of athletic talent.

====================================
Go to www.DontAmend.com and click on the link in the upper left corner.

====================================
Looking forward to heading east for a few days...need a NYC recharge!

Maybe business school is not the right move for me...I mean, I really want to go. And I love the idea of double majoring. But I do not know how I am going to re-learn all that math from high school. I literally have not taken a math class since I was 15 years old...that's 15 years. The last math I took was trigonometry in 11th grade (with Mr. Michaels). I did not take calculus because...well, because I didn't have to and really had no desire. I scored high enough on the SATs that I was not required to take math in college...So I didn't (again, if I didn't have to and didn't want to...why bother?)...

Here I am 15 years since my last math class (which I aced, by the way, and aced the Regents exam, too)...and I cannot seem to get simple quadratic equations to work for me. I took the GRE in 1994 without studying. I did call my sister the night before and ask her how to find the area of a triangle. And then I took the test and I was fine. I actually did really well...I even did better on the math than the verbal! Then I took the LSAT in 1996...to say I aced it is an understatement. I scored in the 98th percentile...Not bad. No math. No law school either (decided not to apply - yes, I see how some might construe this as a trend of sorts...I am hoping it is not). So here I am in 2003 - seven years since my last standardized test, 9 years since my last test involving math and 15 years since my last math class...and I am going to try to take the GMAT? Maybe journalism school is a better idea. I will happily study for and take the GRE again. I think.

Howard Dean is a genius! Well, the folks running his campaign are, anyway! I have been trolling around his web site and blog recently because the more I read about him, and the more I connect with other Dean supporters, the more I know he is the one for me right now!! I participated in the Adopt an Iowan campaign...a brilliant idea! I wrote letters to three Iowans asking them to consider supporting Dean in the Iowa caucuses early next year. I wrote the letters on Independence Day. It seemed fitting somehow. And I loved feeling part of the campaign. The Dean campaign has a legitimate grassroots movement propelling it forward. I love that!

I took notice of Howard Dean when I read an article in the New York Times about his campaign's use of MeetUp.com. I was intrigued. Here was a candidate who, strictly by using the Internet, managed to attract 4,000 (presumablly young) people to a campaign event for a little known Northeastern former Governor! Of course, I immediately checked out the MeetUp site. But before I could sign up for Dean, I had to check out his site. That's when I saw his extensive web presence - his deep site, his blog, other blogs dedicated to supporting him...And I have been reading about him there. And I read other articles about him. And I like him. And I voted for him in the MoveOn "primary" a few weeks ago. I haven't made the leap to donating money to him yet. But let me tell you, it's not because he isn't making it easy to do!

The latest brilliance of this campaign, in my opinion, is its use of the Internet for fundraising. Much ado was made about this at the end of last month, the close of the second quarter fundraising deadline. Cowboy in Chief raised about $30 million or so and everyone marveled that Dean raised about $9 million. And marvelous it was - he raised several million of that in the closing days of the quarter ONLINE! Today, as I was perusing the Dean campaign site, I started to giggle at what I consider to be one of the most innovative things I have seen in a long long time...

The Dean campaign has created a mechanism by which anyone can create their own web page, as part of the Dean site, and use it to raise money for the candidate! So, I could go and get my own page on the Dean For America site, send the URL out to everyone I know and try to drive traffic to the site and raise money. Imagine this - thousands of independent fundraisers enlisting the help of their friends and families to give money to the Dean campaign! IT IS SHEER GENIUS and I love it! It seriously made me giggle out loud...I sent P___ L___ an email demanding that he call me as soon as possible so we can discuss this!

----------------------------

Started my GMAT prep class tonight. The teacher was okay but there was one woman in the class who will drive me nuts, I know it. She asks too many questions...and many of them seem to be irrelevant! I know they split up the classes after the first one and I am hoping she and I do not end up in the same one. I know I will not be able to survive a class with her.

----------------------------
I would like to write a book.

Does anyone ever read this thing? I wish someone would read this who could tell me how I can change my template so I can put links on the side of the page...I see so many blogs that do this and I cannot figure it out! I am so techno-illiterate!

Well, until I figure it out, I will continue to pretend people look at this thing and add links in the body of the musings.

Check out this one...it's one of my favorites these days.

More to come tonight...This is a promise more to myself than the sprinkling of people who manage to fall upon this site looking for information about things like Robin Williams house and Vigalucci's (Google searches that bring this blog up!)!

Great article....Read it here.

I could go on and on about the ridiculous man we are calling our president these days. His cowboy comments like, "Bring it on," that can only serve to incite the Iraqi insurgents who are threatening our troops (and sometime soon my friend C___ who is headed there!) are useless and furthermore, they are unbecoming the leader of the free world (don't think it doesn't pain me to refer to him this way).

Why, I wonder, is there no Democrat willing to stand up and make the American people and the press take notice of this dangerous man? Isn't it worth the risk to one's own political viability to do the right thing for the American public? Why can't the Democrats take some money...enough for one television ad...and run a commercial spot that lays his hypocrisy bare? Remember the Jon Stewart clip, in which he did a side by side of Governor George W. Bush during the 2000 Presidential debates and (p)Resident George W. Bush during his scripted press conference and exposed his penchant for talking out of both sides of his mouth? Why can't the Dems run an ad like that? So what if people get pissed off? Since when are we a bunch of pussies? Is there not one true Democratic leader willing to forego his political future as an elected official in order to ensure that this country is pulled back from the treacherous path we are on? Yes, I am calling on someone, anyone credible in the Democratic party, to fall on his or her sword in the name of the future of this country.

A little dramatic, yes. But I would do it.

I wonder if anyone in America knows (or cares) that Liberia is an African nation founded by former American slaves.

I was listening to the radio the other day (NPR, of course) and there was a story about an elderly woman who could barely afford to buy the medication she needs to be able to stay alive. She actually was not that old - I think they said she was 70 or so. But she was on Medicare and slowly but surely, over the past several years, her prescription drug coverage has diminished and now she pays some obscene amount for medicine that keeps her alive. "Again, this health care crisis," I thought to myself. But as I heard the woman list off the various medications she takes, I started to have a different point of view. She has one pill that helps lower her cholesterol. Another helps her control her adult-onset diabetes. And another helped keep the bood flowing to her heart. And then it occured to me. We don't have a health care crisis in this country. We have a disease care crisis. Because we don't have a health care system, we have a disease care system. We spend time and energy helping people get better once they get sick; we focus on curing disease. And we call it health care. But that's disease care. Why don't we spend more energy preventing the disease in the first place? Seems to me that would cost a lot less money and help keep the health care companies in business longer. Instead, we spend all our money trying to UNDO the damage people have done to themselves by not eating properly, by not exercising, by smoking. And then we spend a ton of money medicating ourselves so we won't get too depressed by all our illness and disease.

A health care system would focus on educating people from a very early age about proper nutrition, exercise and lifestyle habits that promote wellnes. A health care system would be designed to help families figure out how to pursue healthy lifestyles with limited resources. A health care system would encourage research about how to stay well, not how to get better. A health care system would thrive when people are disease free. And a health care system would ensure everyone has access to these services so that fewer people succumb to diseases that could have been avoided.

Nope, we don't have health care in the United States. We have disease care. And our disease care system sucks.

What I don't understand is some Democrats' obsession with the idea that we have to put forth a candidate who is electable, rather than a candidate who can give this country what it needs. I fail to see the two as mutually exclusive!

Since when did standing up for human rights, civil rights, women's rights, families' rights, children's rights, the right to health care, the right to an education, the right to a fair justice system, the right to be told the truth by our elected (and appointed) leaders, etc. make a candidate UNelectable?

It is this mindset - the alarming trend towards making all candidates so similar that the difference between them cannot be seen with the naked eye - that has gotten us where we are today...saddled by a system in which only the money wins and in which the masses simply do not participate.

We should not have do dumb down our candidates because media consultants think they know what the American people want. The American people know what they want - they want jobs that pay them well enough so they can at least feed themselves and their families, they want health care that won't break the bank, they want the government to stay out of their private choices, they want a justice system that's fair, they want their kids to have educational opportunities, they want to know that the words coming out of their leaders' mouths are more likely to be the truth than not, they want to feel safe in their homes and in their communities and on airplanes!, they want to pay their taxes - their fair share of taxes, and they want to know that when they retire, someone will be there to make sure they aren't left out in the cold.

That's what Americans want. Now we just have to vote for it. The candidate that offers it is the one that is electable!

I am very concerned that at the end of the summer, one of the current Supreme Court Justices will retire. And if it doesn't happen this summer, it is bound to happen some time before the Bush Residency ends..which means, of course, that some wing-nut will probably get nominated to the bench. But I must say, though I am often disappointed with the current right-leaning majority on the court, today we as a nation have reason to celebrate. Affirmative action has been preserved. By a 5-4 decision. While special points systems have been struck down, the central tenets of affirmative action have been upheld by the court. HALLELUJAH.

It's been a while since I had an engaging discussion with anyone about affirmative action. It is such an emotional issue for me. It is one of the issues about which I feel most strongly. I am not sure why I feel so strongly - I am a middle class white girl. Sure, I am Jewish...but that has only contributed to my opportunities in life, not hindered them. Yet, I feel it in my bones, the way I do a woman's right to choose or the injustice of the death penalty. I worked on the campaign to save it in California...and when we lost...when all the people of California lost...I was so dejected I quit politics all together and went to work in the private sector where I would not grow so emotionally attached to my work.

Many years ago, I decided to keep my feelings about affirmative action to myself. It was easier to bait me into a heated argument about affirmative action than it is to give candy to a child. And invariably, I would become so enraged and feel utterly crushed if the person I was arguing with did not believe that affirmative action is necessary; that the ridiculous phrase "reverse racism" would be used; that they would conjure up some story about how a deserving white person was on the losing end of affirmative action...someone always knew someone who lost a spot at a school, on a team, in a club because a minority candidate got it...that offensive belief that the only way a white person could be rejected was because some undeserving minority was accepted in his place...and the other side of that equation being that the only way a minority person could be accepted was by displacing some more deserving white candidate, but not because he or she was deserving in his or her own right. These arguments would make me nuts. I even found myself one day arguing...practically screaming...at the top of my lungs in the middle of California Street after getting off the bus from work one day. I was arguing with a friend who claimed that he was the "victim" of affirmative action. I didn't understand. He went to private prep school on scholarship. Then he attended Princeton on a football scholarship. And he got his job because he knew someone from Proinceton who knew the person doing the hiring. Yet somehow he believed that he was victimized by affirmative action. Because he didn't get into his first choice prep school and some nameless, faceless minority person did and therefore they took his spot. Nevermind this guy was, as my sister would say, "dumb as a box o' rocks." We haven't spoken since. That was 1997.

And when A___ and I started dating we would get into political discussions and he would express his opposition, or at least ambivalence, to affirmative action. And I would find myself talking down to him, then getting angry with him and losing respect for him. So I decided to keep my affirmative action feelings to myself. Race issues are very hot...chances of me convinving someone to see my point of view are as slim as me seeing theirs. So I determined that it is simply not worth it to argue, strain relationships and lose friends.

But today is a happy day. Nuanced as it is, the decision is unequivocal...as Justice Sandra Day O'Connor said, "Student body diversity is a compelling state interest in the context of university admissions...Race-based action to further a compelling government interest does not violate the [Constitution's] Equal Protection Clause."

Until I figure out how to put links to other sites in the sidebars of this page, I have to keep putting them here. I found this site today. I like it.

Now this is what I am talking about...this is the kind of thing I want to be hearing from a Democratic presidential candidate! Finally, another donkey besides Governor Dean coming out from the Democratic wing of the Democratic party...

I think John Kerry has been feeling the heat lately and is starting to step up. He has been vocal about the administration's deception surrounding WMDs in Iraq and now this. I knew that year I worked for him in Boston was for a good reason! He's back!

****June 20, 2003 | WASHINGTON (AP) -- Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry said Friday that he is prepared to block any Supreme Court nominee who would not uphold the Roe v. Wade decision that legalized abortion.

"I am prepared to filibuster, if necessary, any Supreme Court nominee who would turn back the clock on a woman's right to choose or the constitutional right to privacy, on civil rights and individual liberties and on the laws protecting workers and the environment," Kerry said in remarks via satellite at a meeting of Democratic party officials in St. Paul, Minn.

"The test is basic -- any person who thinks it's his or her job to push an extreme political agenda rather than to interpret the law should not be a Supreme Court justice." ****

I have never worried about health care coverage. I guess I have always had it and, during the few months I did not have it back in 1995, I did not really care. My mother pressed me to get it, though, while I was unemployed, and I signed up for some kind of individual program. My next job was with such a small company, I maintained my insurance and my employer paid the monthly premium, which at the time was, I believe, $49 each month.

Other than my brief three-month hiatus from the healthcare system, I have never thought twice about insurance. For as long as I can remember, I have gone to the doctor as much or as little as needed and to the dentist more than I would have liked. And while I have long been aware of the health care crisis facing our nation, this awareness has come primarily from my work on political campaigns and my lifelong interest in politics and public policy.

That ended for me last week when I learned that my mother’s boyfriend lost his health insurance. Apparently his company is too small to qualify and, due to his own financial pressures, he opted out of Cobra and its $300 a month fee. For any person to be left without health insurance simply because he or she cannot afford it is in my opinion unconscionable. When you take into account this particular man’s current state of health, it is downright cruel.

You see, in November, my mother's boyfriend N___ had a heart attack. At least we think it was November. The actual timing is unclear because he only found out about it several months later when he went to see a doctor on an unrelated matter. That doctor told him he appeared to have had a “cardiac event” and sent him to a cardiologist who confirmed the diagnosis. At the doctor’s suggestion – and my mother’s insistence – N___ quit smoking after more than 40 years. But he never went back to that doctor again.

The unrelated matter he had gone to see the doctor about initially was a hip injury he sustained as a result of a motorcycle accident in the mid-1990s. The injury has steadily gotten worse and he is barely mobile these days. In fact, the other night we were walking to a coffee shop and after one city block, he had to stop and hold onto a parking meter and rest. My mother was fed up with his immobility and pleaded with him to go to a doctor. Finally he relented. But the doctors could not tell him anything in that one visit. And he never went back.

Then there was the doctor that told him he was diabetic. This was not a surprise to me. He is overweight, has terribly unhealthy eating habits, was a lifelong smoker and is about as sedentary as a person could be. A natural candidate for adult onset diabetes. But he only went to this doctor one time.

And then he lost his health insurance.

So now what? The truth is, I care less about what happens to him than I do about what it does to my mother. She has watched his health steadily deteriorate. She seems to care more about his health than he does. It infuriates her. She finds herself angry at him and feeling trapped. Because the way she sees it, she has two options. One, she can continue to live with him, prod him to take care of himself and hope his company or he finds an alternative health care provider. And she can live with the knowledge that he is slowly – though probably not that slowly – killing himself and that she will one day wake up, as she says, “With a dead guy in my bed.”

Option number two? She can marry him. But she does not want to marry him. If she did, she would have done so by now, six years into their relationship. She has been married before (twice) and does not want to go through it again. She is perfectly content to live with this man, share her family with him, embrace his family, make improvements to the home they own together, take vacations together, wake up together each day. But not as husband and wife. She knows that marriage changes things and she does not want to bring that kind of change into their relationship.

But he needs health insurance. And she seems like his best shot for getting it. If they get married, she can cover him on the plan she gets through work. Despite her company’s huge size and claims about commitment to diversity, it does not offer domestic partners benefits. And so the only way for her to help him get insurance is to marry him. Which she simply does not want to do.

Of course there are other choices. But she does not see them – at least not yet. So she is stuck. And angry.

And I am angry, too. Angry that there are people living in this country of freedom and prosperity whose lives are at risk every single day because they cannot afford to pay for what passes as health care these days. And I am not just talking about an overweight, sedentary, ex-smoking diabetic.

I am talking about millions of children whose families risk financial devastation simply because they walk outside the front door everyday where there are swerving cars, buses that run red lights. Where they run around, like kids should, on concrete playgrounds. Where they swing from monkey bars and play on a seesaw.

I pray my mother does not get married again. But if she does I will understand. Because it is too unfathomable to imagine that a man would die because some insurance company deemed his workplace too small to qualify for coverage and he cannot afford medical care without insurance. So to make the system seem less fucked up, you take drastic measures – like marrying someone you do not want to marry – just to feel like you can do something about it.

Infuriating.

When I first started this whole blog process, it was because I needed an outlet to express my thoughts about the war and the state of the world. This seemed like a good way to do it. As time progressed and I became more and more comfortable writing about things mundane, I started to use the blog as an overall expressive device. A way to say what I think about...well, about whatever I happen to be thinking about when I log in. I like it for this purpose. Tonight I considered using it in a different way...Tonight I considered using the blog as a passive aggressive tool tp get someone to react to something I write here.

I was going to write about "the one that got away" that I often muse about in this space. I was going to say how I saw him tonight and, as usually happens when I see him, I fought urges to call him and ask him for another chance. Actually, I went so far as to pick the phone up out of its cradle and prepared to dial. Then it rang. P____ was calling from New York...so I didn't make the call...yet. Anyway, I was going to use this space to say how I wanted to call him but don't have the guts and how I wish I could have a signal from him to know if I should go ahead and approach him about something as harmless as a date. And then I was going to hope that maybe, by some fluke of nature, he would read my blog, know I was talking about him and put me out of my misery! That was my plan. It sounded good to me. It seemed like the least risky way to deal with how I am feeling about him.

But I know full well that approach is not a good idea. So I called (eek). And luckily he wasn't home (or wasn't answering) so I left a message. And instead of saying, "Call me back," I said something IDIOTIC like, "Well, I guess I will see you online or something." I cannot believe how inept I have become at dealing with men!

Seeing him tonight was a little strange, as it always is, because I am always struck by how attracted I am to him. He has the loveliest hands... And I couldn't stop looking at them tonight. But the strange feeling tonight was exacerbated by the realization that I know his ex-girlfriend - she is a friend and co-worker of J___ T____. She is the one he was dating right before he and I started dating. The one who wanted to still be with him (I think I am remembering that correctly). The one who sounded similar to A____ in the role she played in their relationship and the role A___ played in ours. They are still friends and, by way of J___ T____, she was my connection to the party tonight. Tonight, when I saw him there, after I said hello to her, he said, "Is ____ your connection to this party?" And I said yes and asked how he knew her. "This is ____," he said, with a smirk in his tone. And then it hit me. I understood why her name always seemed kind of familiar to me. And I had to laugh. This was the ex-girlfriend, who clearly did not know that he and I knew each other, let alone dated (confirmed later by the fact that she asked me how I knew him) or that I still ache for him. It added a level of complication to my feelings about him. But drama is only what you make it. And there is nothing to see here. No drama.

Meanwhile, all I want is for him to give me another chance. I think we could be really good together. Or not. But I want to really give it a fair shot this time. Though I understand that many people don't get one chance, let alone two. And so why should I?

Two nights in a row...out until 2 am! And another party tonight. This is a little bit much for me. But with the family gone and the race behind me, I also needed to let loose and have one of those weekends that don't come around very often.

It's too sunny outside to be in here writing...But I spent the whole day outside and I need to rest up before the next big adventure tonight!

I was so sad to see my mother go. I hate it when she cries and as we hugged goodbye yesterday she squeezed me so hard and started to sniffle...Then she lost it a little. She whispered in my ear, "Let's run away together to Mendocino." That sounds like fun. I wish she would really consider it. I think she needs to be here, on the West Coast, where her children are. We are clearly never going to move to where she is...I hate it that she movied to Florida. I really don 't imagine I will ever want to live there.

I love her, though, and I want her to do the right thing. Marriage is not going to solve N____'s health problems...and it will only make worse whatever financial strain she already feels from him...Most importantly, she does not want to be married. She is so sad and so angry an she hates to be that way...it tears her up. And I hate to see her so upset. I hope next time she comes, she does so alone...So we can play and walk and not be encumbered by his immobility or stubborn insistence.

Why is it that I am capable of having a deep well of compassion for people I have never met - the plights of os many underserved and underprivileged people around the globe...but sometimes I cannot even find it in myself to have the most basic compassion for people closest to me?

I love my mother with so much of me that sometimes, being around her exhausts me. So much of me is loving her and wanting what is best for her and fighting my instincts to reach out and save her...it tires me out. But then she goes and shows me that she doesn't need saving...I just don't give her enough credit sometimes. I hate that. But I love that she really is okay.

I do feel like my battery has been re-charged. Like I am filling up with momma-love until next time I see her. It is such a good feeling to receive such unbridled love, from her and from grandpa...to know, to feel it in my body, that they love me. I will forever be grateful for that. No matter how nuts they make me!

If I could just find the time to write it all down...It's all building up inside of me but between work, Alcatraz training (and doing) and now family visiting, I simply have not had (or, really, made) the time.

I did the Escape from Alcatraz Triathlon this weekend. Holy shit. What an event. I have NEVER had so much fun doing a triathlon! Now, Ironman...well, that was a whole different ballgame. That doesn't count. But as far as triathlons go, half ironman, Olympic distance, sprints, relays...this was THE MOST FUN! I am so glad I did it! I thought I had lost my tri-vibe. I hadn't been into it all season long. All the training felt burdensome. I was feeling quite burnt out. The race I did in April wasn't fun...Much as I loved the finish line, the race itself was no fun. Wildflower, well, I didn't even do the whole thing. And what I did do was fine...but I would not say it was fun. So I really was not looking forward to Alcatraz being fun. I knew it would be a challenge. I thought it would be very hard and I was especially scared of the swim - it's legendary in these parts! And I know the bike is short - just 18 miles - but everytime I have done the route, it's been quite a difficult 18 miles. And that run! * miles of either up or down...lots of up, including that sand ladder. And the running on the beach...So I knew it would be hard. And I expected that when I finished the finish line would feel great. And that would be fun.

But never did I expect to have fun throughout the day! Okay, I did not really like the swim too much. At one point, per A___'s advice, I forced a giggle. She said I would giggle, and it wasn't happening naturally, so I made myself. Truth is, I was scared. But at the same time, I kept reminding myself that I was, after all, swimming from Alcatraz to the St. Francis Yacht Club. Sure, there were huge swells in the water (so much so that the pros swam a good 5 - 10 minutes slower than usual), and I was disoriented the entier time...But...I was swimming from Alcatraz and doing a triathlon right in my own backyard. So I giggled...and I had to relish the moment (all 50 of them, actually, because that's how long it took me to swim to shore...and another 3 minutes or so to get out of the water and up to the transition area!

The moment I emerged from the water I heard the Monkey screaming my name and then I saw Mer and then mom. Then, a sure cure for sore eyes, R____ S____.

The run from the swim to the transition area so I could grab my bike was awesome! People everywhere screaming my name...I couldn't turn my head fast enough to hear it all! I had a huge grin on my face the whole way. When I got to transition, there was Rocky, getting ready to head out on her bike. And then in came L_____. FUN! We all jumped off the boat together - a surreal experience - and now we were all safe on shore together again!

I headed out on the bike in a flash. It was so fun to ride down Marina Blvd into the Presidio, the ride I always do, and have crowds of people screaming and cheering. I rode moderately. There are so many hills on that course and I didn't want to kill my legs on the first one! The ride was great. The weather sucked but I wasn't cold at all. Riding past Robin Williams house I was so hoping to see him out there. But he wasn't here this year! I guess I wouldn't be either with the weather we were having! Up the Legion of Honor hill was not as bad as it usually is on a regular workout day. It was fun to get to the water stop at the top and see people I knew. Of course, I couldn't remember anyone's name fo some reason yesterday...but it was fun to see people nonetheless!

When I got into Golden Gate Park, K____ came up behind me. I was surprised to see him there! He is a much faster swimmer than I am...but then again, that swim was insane and anything and everything happened out there...It was so awesome to ride with him for a little bit. I think we were together for about two miles. We kibbitzed about the swim and chatted about what was ahead. Then he rode off into the fog...Up some more hills and all of a sudden, I was headed back to the transition...this bike ride was over! Then I remembered...I hadn't done a triathlon with a bike ride under 56 miles since the year 2000! So this ride - 18 miles - was over before I knew it!

The run...what can I say now about the run? I had a blast. I headed out on the run and saw FBFCP and K___ S___ and that crew of boys. They were cheering wildly for me and then I heard K____ say, "Come on Marcy...pick it up!" I had to laugh! The Monkey met me at the entrance to Crissy Field and we ran together for about a mile and a half. Then I stopped in the bathroom before starting the really hard part of the run. Ran into T____ in there. She wasn't feeling well, which sucked for her, but I was glad to see her! I kept running, smiling the whole way, running into people as they headed towards the finish (while I was just getting started!)! Then I was on the beach...running along the surf, trying to stay away from the water so my shoes wouldn't get too wet. And I had to laugh. What a gorgeous city this is! I can't believe I get to live here! And then I get to do a race here! How lucky am I!?

As I headed back to the finish I saw Rocky on the beach and gave her a big hug. I headed up that ridiculous sand ladder and smiled when I got to the top and there was great music pumping and two volunteers cheering. Then I ran it home. I picked up the Monkey again at the bottom of the stairs and we headed to the finish. I saw K___ up ahead and eventually caught up to him. After vomiting twice on the swim, he wasn't feeling too good and so he was walking. I convinced him to run in with me and we did for a few minutes. But he wasn't feeling well enough so he had to walk again. I kicked it in and headed for that line! Saw Mom, Grandpa, Gail, Mer...Mer tried to run alongside me and she was making me laugh. And then next thing I know I am on the grass headed for the finish! I heard my name - the same voice, the same friggin voice as the one who announced me across the line at Ironman! - and I was thrilled. All day long, I had so much fun! Never stopped smiling. Never stopped being grateful for the use of my body in this way. For the ability to live well in this city and to be surrounded by friends who "get it." For my family being there.

I loved it. I want to do it again and again. Every chance I get, I want to try to do that race. I can't believe I never wanted to do it before. But you know, I learned with Ironman...never say never.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tonight I met mommy's friend from high school. C_____. She lives in Mendocino. She is so cool. Funny how I am so attracted to women of this age! She reminded me of Mokypa...she is so down to earth and smart. She is independent, even within her marriage. She is aware. She is conscious. She is active in her community. I really connected with her! And I can't wait to go visit. I must find a weekend this summer to get up there!

There is so much more to say...about so many things. The Bush administration and its Weapons of Mass Deception...boys boys and more boys...the one who got away who still lingers!...my familiy....friends - old, new, forgotten and no longer. I could go on and on.

But tonight, I am too tired. So, until next time.