I cannot believe I haven't written here in five days! I guess I have been somewhat uninspired...Training and being social and working...it all takes so much time! I was sure I would be able to come up with something tonight. I wanted to write about the awesome Texas Democrats who have finally taken a page from the Karl Rove handbook and won! I wanted to write about the Wag the Dog presidency of George W. Bush. I wanted to muse about meeting Douglas Rushkoff (and turning into a mute in his presence!). I wanted to write about training for Escape from Alcatraz. About how much I love L_____ and M_____ and how much I will miss K______ if he ends up moving. About the fact that today marks exactly ten years - TEN YEARS! - since I graduated from Boston University and I am feeling like I wish I had more to show for it. A fancy title and a career, that's what I have. I am not sure what else I think I should have. But somehow I feel as though I should have had more of a positive impact on the world by now. Perhaps I have had a positive impact and that seeing it just a matter of perspective. Perspective I don't have, mind you. By the way, today is also the day we used to "celebrate" as my mom and A___'s anniversary. I suppose now we can celebrate it as the day that is no longer their anniversary!

I am excited for the big Hollywood premiere of "Hollywood Homicide." I guess that kind of thing is pretty exciting (though I am not that interested in movie stars that way) and who knows how many times I will get to go to a big blockbuster premiere with Harrison Ford! This is probably my once shot!

So, I plan to do all this writing. I really do. But today I feel like shit. Woke up with a sore sore throat and now my nose is itchy and runny and I am downning Theraflu in the hopes that I will feel well enough in the morning to go on a bike ride!

Sun, fun, friends and dancing...that sounds like a perfect weekend. And it was...well, maybe not perfect (what is?) but pretty darn close.

I am reminded this weekend of what it means to live in a place where you are surrounded by people you love and people who love you. Reminded what it means to have real friends that you can laugh with, cry with, dance with...be honest with, be scared with, be funny with...hike with, eat fish with, read the newspaper with...I suppose when you live in a city for eight years (EIGHT YEARS!), far from your familiy, you create a new definition of family...an expanded definition. And you end up with people like the ones I know, having weekend like the one I had. It helps to live in San Francisco, where the weather is amazing, the scenery flawless and the people likeminded (mostly!).

Happy Mother's Day to my mom and all the other fabulous mothers in my life!

The fight for free speech continues...I don't know why I am always surprised that forces continue to try to limit this most fundamental of American rights.

On the day of Resident Bush's photo-op of all phot-ops with that weird staged plane landing onto the aircraft carrier, he gave a speech to update us on the war against Iraq. I was listening to his speech on the radio in my car and was struck by one particular section in which he said:

Today, we have the greater power to free a nation by breaking a dangerous and aggressive regime. With new tactics and precision weapons, we can achieve military objectives without directing violence against civilians. No device of man can remove the tragedy from war; yet it is a great moral advance when the guilty have far more to fear from war than the innocent.

I do suppose this is true...our weapons have gotten more precise, the numbers killed significantly smaller than in wars past. But this seems like a strange instance to make this claim. I mean, we killed thousands of Iraqi civilians in our one-sided war against Iraq and more than 100 US military servicepeople were killed. And then we distributed a deck of cards with the faces of 55 "Most Wanted" Iraqis from Saddam Hussein's Ba'ath party on them, hoping we would find them and "bring them to justice." So far I think we have found 20 or so of the men (and woman) on the cards. Alive. And then today there is an audiotape of what seems to be Saddam Hussein's voice. Alive. And his son stole something like $1 billion from the central bank (In US currency).

So explain to me the moral advance in this case - Saddam and the rest of the deck of cards seem to be alive and kicking, possible even regrouping. Innocent civilians can barely get water in their towns, medical help, food.

The current U.S. regime has got to go. I don't want to have to wait until 2004!

On the one hand, I think we need a man like Gary Hart in the race for president. An elder statesman with a firm sense of international affairs and a solid record on domestic issues (as Senator), Gary Hart is not afraid to speak his mind, offer bold and innovative solutions and challenge his critics and opponents to engage in the debate(s). But I also like the idea of Gary Hart as a party leader, maintaining that role as the elder statesman without having to worry about what he says and, more importantly, how he says it. Outside of the confines of a campaign, Gary Hart has the freedom to open us debate about the issues Americans care about without worrying that the edited press will twist his words, that the Republicans will smear his name.

I do hope we can put up a candidate with Gary Hart-like credentials, charisma and intellect. And I hope Gary Hart takes up the role as a party leader, driving the direction of the public debate surrounding the important issues of today.

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In early March I attended the Jewish Community Federation's Western Regional Young Leadership Conference. I was excited to participate in a weekend of "Jewish" events, connecting with other Jews my age in the Bay Area and from other cities. I was ready for exposure to a new side of the Jewish community here in San Francisco, not the usual Jew crew I run into at events.

The weekend was so much better than I ever could have imagined it would be. It contributed so much to my personal journey towards defining Judaism in my life. I connected more deeply with like-minded Jews, met new and interesting people that I hope to continue to connect with. And it all surprised me because the weekend started with an opening keynote by none other than the self-proclaimed spokesman of American Jewry, the homohobe himself, Dennis Prager.

I choose not to go into detail about all the hideous things Prager said during his opening remarks...I do not want to draw any more attention to his bigotry than is necessary. But I will say this...the Jewish Community Federation of San Francisco, the group that invited him to speak at the conference, has assured it will not receive any of my charitable giving. I will funnel my Jewish philanthropy instead to the local JCC or other organizations that truly reflect the Jewish values I believe in.

I am reminded of Prager's narrowmindedness and his perversion of Jewish values by an article on Salon.com today. It is a reprint in the Andrew Sullivan column (a whole separate ugliness for another time) of a recent Prager interview in which he talks about homosexuality and its inferiority to heterosexuality. In any case, I cannot believe this guy was speaking in my synagogue to Rabbi Sydney Mintz's congregation. Rabbi Mintz - a lesbian who is a devout clergy member with a life partner and a child they raise together. Rabbi Mintz, who energizes Judaism for me and makes me want to learn more and better understand Judaism's role in my life. I cannot believe they brought this pig into her synagogue.

Certainly, in his keynote address he did not talk about his disdain for gay people, limiting his remarks to his disdain for Arabs and Palestinians. Acting as if he speaks for all Jews when he talks in the divisive language of "us" and "them" and as if the Israel issue is black and white. Worse than his remarks, actually, was the fact that this clown got a standing ovation from the crowd. Which was so upsetting because I believe that the majority of people in that audience do not know the totality of Prager's views. Sure, he is pro-Israel. Sure, he is a proud Jew. But he is a bigot who believes his moral compass should guide us all, who believes the world can be viewed as us against them...men/women, Jews/Arabs, gay people/ straight people...He most certainly does not speak for this Jew.

I am tempted to delete everything I have written in the past two days! These entries were more brain dumps than coherent essays...and I wanted my blog to be coherent essays, though I know at times it devolves into a diary-like accounting of my (not that exciting) life. So I am tempted to delete. But I suppose part of the discipline of this writing endeavor is to learn to publish when I am ready and let it go once it has gone "live." So that is what I am going to do. I will go against my own will and I will not delete the previous two days' entries. The post-Wildflower-weekend-tired-haze entries. But I had to acknowledge that I am not entirely comfortable with the content.

I was out of town all weekend - camping - so I did not have any access to newspapers or radio. I was cut off from the world outside of Lake San Antonio in Monterey County. If it did not relate to triathlon, I had no idea it was happening.

When I came home, I tried to read the Sunday New York Times that was waiting at my doorstep but I was too tired and fell asleep doing the crossword puzzle. Today, I managed to nose around some web sites in between work projects for an update on what the "President" has been up to (though truth be told, I needed the break from his antics after that bizarre plane-landing-on-carrier incident) and some insight into the weekend's Democratic presidential debate. From all accounts I read, it sounds like Joe Lieberman did a great job at making himself stand out among the group of eight candidates, not an easy task. And there is something to be said for the fact that he is the only one who has actually been part of a campaign that has already beat W. But let's face facts...Joe is not likely to win the general election. And the truth is, I do not want him to win the nomination! I am sure there are many who would think that is pure heresy coming from an East Coast Jew like me. But I just do not agree with him on so many issues. He is too conservative for my taste.

Because I know he is devout in the practice of his faith, I trust him more than most politicians to speak his truth. But he is a politician. And he wants to win. And I firmly believe that all politicians must, at some point, sell at least a part of their soul to hold onto their power - not necessarily for power's sake, but because they have changes they want to make, a way they want the world to be. But politics is more than ideas...it is a game, it is a process and throughout the course of that process, many of them seem to make compromises in order to hold onto their power. Over time, they seem to forget why they wanted the power in the first place. Anyway, I am not sure this applies to Joe Lieberman, but I am sure that on many issues - fiscal, military and even social - we do not see eye to eye. And I sometimes have a hard time understanding where he is coming from, what guides his political positions.

I think I like Howard Dean...Dr. Dean. I always thought I would support John Kerry throughout the process. After all, I worked for him and I really like his credentials. We have similar perspectives on the issues that are important to me. But I guess what I am looking for in the primary process is a true blue liberal. I need to reconnect to the causes that define what it means to me to be a Democrat. And while I think that John Kerry has the true blue credentials, I also believe he wants to win so badly, he might go to any lengths to do so. And to a certain extent, that is okay with me...because I really really really want the shrub out of the White House and only a Democrat that is willing to go to the mat will make that happen.

But so far, of all the candidates, Howard Dean is the one that is speaking to me. He says what is on his mind. He asks the questions I have. He doesn't pretend to have all the answers but he is clear about where he stands. I like that in a candidate. It is so rare. In 1992, I was a huge Bob Kerrey supporter for the same kinds of reasons. I had a feeling Bill Clinton was more electable, and I was prepared to work on his campaign when or if that came to pass. But for the primaries, for the contest of the party faithful, I wanted to put my energy where my spirit was...the ideas of the candidate, not his electability.

Once Kerrey was out and Clinton was the clear nominee, I jumped in with both feet and was unwavering in my support for most of his eight years (though his personal indiscretions were a total embarassment). I dedicated myself to the campaign without every looking back. But I do not know that I could have done that if I hadn't dedicated the primary season to Bob Kerrey.

And so maybe this time around, it will be the same way. Perhaps I will go into the contest working for Dean and if he ends up not being the nominee, I will throw my support behind whoever is (and I will volunteer on that campaign because losing the Presidential election in 2004 is not an option). Because what I like about Howard Dean is that he speaks his beliefs, even when they are against the grain, even when he knows that the media will likely twist it around, even though his Democratic opponents are likely to paint him into a liberal corner. It does not stop him and in fact, it seems to attract more supporters to his cause. I could be wrong, but it seems to me that he strongly believes in the heart and soul of the Democratic party - the social values and community responsibility that my Democratic party stands for . Meanwhile, I sent an email to the Dean campaign indicating my interest in volunteering and have yet to hear back.

Lately I have been wondering if I believe in the romantic notion of "the one that got away." I never considered myself to be someone who believes in that idea...not only does the idea seem overly dramatic, but I have long felt that what ever is happening is what is supposed to be happening and there is no turning back. Which is not to say that I do not believe in second chances, I do - certainly there is proof of that in the fact that A____ and I broke up and got back together several times over the course of four years. But I have not ever considered the idea that I may have let someone slip away...that I did not know the good thing when I had it, or that I did know it but was not ready for it and so had to let it go...and that it was the wrong thing to do...not what was supposed to be happening...But in recent days, it has actually occurred to me that it is possible there was one that got away (and if there was this one, were there perhaps more?).

He was most things I want in a partner. Sure, he was a little young, but I tend to be more attracted to the younger ones, and he possesses so many traits that I value. Smart, funny (very funny), sweet, liberal, healthy in body, positive disposition, respectful of women, sexy, expressive and generous. And a bunch of other things. He liked me, which turned out to be his downfall. As I have always said, it is all in the timing, and I was not ready for a man to be so much of what I ultimately want in a partner. It's not as if he was looking to marry me, or even date me for more than a few months. But he was so obvious about how he felt about me - he liked getting to know me and wanted to continue to do so - and I suppose I just was not used to it and was not comfortable with it. So I chased him away. I was not very nice to him at all. I sent him mixed signals, pushed him away, called him back to me, pushed him away, called him back...And finally I sent him packing.

I am ashamed of how I treated him. I asked him for forgiveness last year (around Yom Kippur...seeking atonement!)...a few months of drama with Broadway illustrated for me the good thing I let go...It was too late...he was deep into a relationship with someone else and (I think) in love with her. I heard rumors about the instability of their relationship and I sometimes wondered if I would ever get a second chance - and if I did would I screw it up again? Then he faded from my thoughts. Every once in a while he would pop up again. Something would remind me of him, someone would say his name or, more rarely, I would run into him or hear from him in email or the rare phone call.

It is only when I see him that I think of him in a romantic way and that I wonder if I royally screwed up! Within a few days - or even hours - he fades from my thoughts, not to enter again until the next time he crosses my path.

When we are in the same space, socially interacting, it is weird between us and I am sure it is me projecting that weirdness. I do not know how to act around him, whereas around me he seems perfectly natural. And though I toy with the notion that I let him get away, I am chastened by the idea that he likely does not think twice about what could have been. My best friend encourages me to explore it...to put myself out there with him again and see what he says. But I do not feel that I have the right to even offer that up, and I am not certain, with everything going on with me these days, that I could handle the rejection I am certain would follow any initiation on my part. So I retreat to the self-pity zone until a few days pass and he again fades away.

And this one...one of these days I will figure out how to make the links appear on the side of this thing! Maybe I can find someone who knows html to redesign my template...

Now this is cool. I love the internet!

I do not think I could ever be a movie critic. I think in order to be a good movie critic you need to always watch a film with a bit of detachment. I cannot imagine you are able to really lose yourself in a film as a reviewer. I suppose you can see each film more than once...the first time to really watch it and enjoy it and the second time to review it with a more detached eye. I wonder if that is what critics do. But I would also think that after time, you lose the ability to be a regular moviegoer. Even I, nothing even close to a reviewer, have a hard time watching a movie without noticing - even seeking to find - anachronisms, continuity lapses and things like that. Tonight, as I watched "Owning Mahowny," a selection of the San Francisco International Film Festival, it occurred to me that I will likely never make my writing career as a film critic! First of all, I got lost in Philip Seymour Hoffman's character. He is a stupendous talent and whenever I watch him onscreen I have trouble focusing on much else. For some reason, I am predisposed to dislike Minnie Driver and she was in this movie, too. But I cannot decide if she did a poor job, if the character was poorly written, if the director failed to bring her character out or if the editor cut in the wrong places. Whoever is at fault, I thought the Minnie Driver character did not add anything to the film. Now, I do understand that it is based on a true story (and a novel) so there is probably little room. But I also know that movie makers are known to take poetic license and this would have been a good time to do so. It's just that, the whole time I saw her character, I was hard pressed to understand why she was staying with this guy, unless she is a total loser. Frankly, she comes off as a loser and though she says she loves him, I never actually saw or felt it. I think it was probably a combination of writing and directing. And then acting. Because I just do not like her!

My sister's next movie - Hollywood Homicide - is coming out soon! It is set to premiere in June. Not sure when in June but we are hoping the week while Mom and Nick are here so we can all go down to the big red carpet premiere and see it together or else all go to the theater on opening night and see it together! Anyway, the trailer is apparently out in theaters now and she is in it (towards the end). Kind of fun! In order to see the trailer in the theaters I will probably have to go see something wretched, like Anger Management or some other awul blockbuster. So, I may have to content myself with seeing the trailer online!

What a weekend...it was so relaxing and at the same time so busy. This weekend was especially full of good times with close friends and quality time outside riding, running and swimming. I started to feel some weight be lifted off of my shoulders Friday evening. I am not sure why or how. I decided to have a mellow evening alone on Friday (even though I also decided I need to stop spending quite so much time on my own). I went for a swim at Koret. I felt good in the pool, though the guy sharing my lane was so fast (as were his training partners one lane over) and it was a constant reminder of how not fast I am! For some reason, though, it did not get my spirits down. I was swimming fairly consistently and at a comfortable pace for me, making the time in the pool go fast. I haven't swam alone - not with masters swimming - in several months, it seems. Anyway, after Koret I went down to the Marina and ran for about 28 minutes. During my run I did about five 20 - 30 second pickups. It was not too dark out when I started but was definitely dark when I finished. I got some dinner, went home, read and went to sleep. A good night's sleep.

Saturday was a great day. I went for an early brick workout. My ride was good, my run was tough for the first 20 minutes - but the last 10 felt pretty good. I need to remember that on race day...the first few miles always really suck.

Saturday afternoon Buzzie and I went to a "purse party" down in Burlingame where some woman sells knockoff Prada, Hermes, Gucci bags. I bought a few cute ones, none of which I actually need and two of which I will probably have to remind myself to use. But they were cute and I never buy stuff for myself like that so I figured, why not?

When I got back to the city I met up with the Monkey and we just went for a walk down on Union Street. It was nice to hang out...she just has such great energy and she is so nice to be around. I feel very free to say things to the Monkey that I would not say to anyone else and when I am with her, and we talk - really talk - I feel free.

Saturday evening I went over to Grandma's house and watched a movie - "Y Tu Mama Tambien." It was a really beautiful movie. I don't claim to know a lot about filmmaking - lighting, angles, color - but this film seemed exceptionally beautiful and bright. And the story was also touching and moving. Though I will say the translation from Spanish to English left a little to be desired. I mean, did they really have to have the characters say, "dude," every other sentence. And, "Want to smoke a spleef?" translated from Spanish? COME ON!

This morning I got up early to run Nicky's Rainbow Run 10k with the newly engaged A___. I knew the chances of me having a PR were slim to none. I am just not in the kind of shape I was in last year when I ran it in something like 52 minutes or so. I was on track to do it in 53 and change or maybe 54. I ran with A___ up until about mile 3.5. I considered going ahead but thought it would be more fun if we ran it together - it had been so long since we ran together at all, like we used to, and I was only really doing it because she was. But around mile 3.5 I felt like I need to run a little harder than I was. So I took off for a while and ended up catching up to Alien M___ from last year's Ironteam. We ran together for about a mile and a half. I could tell he was pushing it hard and that was fun...it was cool to run with someone who was being pushed by me, instead of the other way around. It reminded me of Coach Kate who always said, "work together." I felt like Alien M____ and I were working together. At around mile 5.5, I sent him on his way and waited for A___. That last hill is a bitch and I could tell she was already having a tough time. I thought it would definitely be worth it to do together. And it was. She had said early on that she wanted to finish in under an hour. It was close. But we ended up coming in at 59:30.

After spending some quality time with my New York Times, I went to meet M____ and K____ at Aquatic Park for a quick open water swim before Wildflower. K____, not surprisingly, did not show up. Oh well...but M___ and I went for a quick swim around the perimeter. The water was as cold and nasty as I remembered! I had not been in AP since last July. It was actually very cold at first but once I got swimming I warmed up fairly quickly. And M____ was good...waiting for me at key spots so we both felt safe out there. It started to get ugly out there and as we headed back to shore from the mouth, the waves were a bit gnarly. I swam as fast as I could just to be finished.

Then this evening I went to Sausalito for the Matzo Brie cookoff at Mama J and S____'s. It was me, Buzzie, R___, Goldie and Mama J and S____. What an awesome evening. It felt so warm and full of love and life in that house. I love spending time with the B____'s. And needless to say the H___S___'s. And Goldie brought his guitar and played and sang for us. It was awesome. I find him very sexy when he is being musical. Other times, I feel there is a negative energy between us. And, frankly, when he is being musical, there is no energy between us other than what is coming from me. But it is always nice to hear someone play and sing with that beautiful voice of his. And he is so un-self conscious. I know he has issues...everyone does. But when he is playing and singing, sometimes you can tell when he is really feeling it. Other times, you can tell he is not feeling it. Either way, he is so present and it's really quite attractive. Alas, we are not a match (not least because he wants a skinny girl and I do not come close to fitting that bill!), though I have to admit, it would be nice if we were because the family scene tonight in Sausalito was picture perfect.

I do hope that if I meet a man that becomes my life partner he has cool parents and they live nearby! Is that too much to ask?

"I'm sick of being so fucking conscious all the time. I'm like this incredible watered down version of myself." Brenda said this tonight on Six Feet Under. I must admit, there are times when I have had this thought myself.

It's probably a pretty bad idea to be blogging at work. After all, I should be working, shouldn't I? But it's lunch time and I have a conference call in half an hour and I have this urge to write a bit so I figured it's important to go with that urge (especially considering how unmotivated I have been about this blog in the past couple of weeks).

I had a mini-revelation yesterday about my current state of mental and physical health (or lack thereof!). For the past few weeks, and especially after this week's interesting knee-tapping therapy session!, I have been trying to figure out what is wrong with me? What is different now than a year or even two years ago that has me in this state? And I started thinking back to when Adam and I broke up (exactly two years ago). After we broke up, I lost about 10 pounds in the months following. Actually shed it pretty quickly and without thinking about it. And I was thinking that at that time, I was so happy and felt so light, as if a weight had been lifted. Nowadays, I sometimes feel as if the weight of the world is on my shoulders...and I have gained weight. And I realized, as I was walking down the street to meet K____ to go to the Dustin Hoffman film festival event, that what seems like metaphor was/is actually REAL - when the weight was lifted after Adam, the weight was literally lifted. Now that I am feeling weighed down by my troubles and worries, I am literally weighed down. As I was telling K____ about it, I nearly started to cry. It felt like a bit of a breakthrough. Of course, having this "information" is only as useful as what I choose to do with it. But it does feel good to at least feel as if there is an explanation for it.

I am reluctant to talk too much about work on here...Nobody from work (all four of them!) knows I have this blog, but I feel weird about saying anything for fear they may hear about it or somehoe stumble upon it. But so much of what is going on for me right now revolves around the work situation. Oh well, I guess I will have to save that for my personal journal.

Rick Santorum, Republican Senator from that lovely state of Pennsylvania, seems to be having a semi-Trent Lott experience these days. His homo-intolerant comments to the Associated Press the other day were, in my opinion, nothing short of abhorrent. As bad as Trent Lott's racist remarks, in my opinion. Of course, the establishment, and the theocrat-in-chief, will do nothing about it. After all, Santorum is a religious fanatic just like Bush is, and many of these religious zealots (and yes, the exist in Christianity and Judaism, too, not just Islam) believe that homosexuality is just plain wrong. Of course, Santorum goes that extra mile in an effort to seem unlike the bigot he is. He clarifies that he doesn't disapprove of homosexuality, just homosexual acts. In other words, it is okay to be gay as long as you don't act gay. And then he goes on to say that these gay acts are the moral equivalent to acts of incest, polygamy, bigamy and, my favorite, bestiality. As in "man on dog" as he said. This is what is running our country? Why are people not more outraged? I wonder if people are not as incensed as they should be about this kind of talk because there are so many other things going on that we need to worry about - our lying president, his over-reaching "big brother" of an attorney general, the scary hawks in the defense department, the deflated Amrecian economy, and the list goes on and on. At some point it becomes too much and we need to tune out for a bit and sit back and know, with deep commitment and sincerity, that we are going to do all we need to do to take advantage of our brilliant four year election cycles and throw out the trashy layer of representation we currently have running our country. I can only hope that we all get together and actually vote.

Shit...the conference call...

Ah...the blog juju is loooooow these days. Had a really interesting therapy session today...I think it was a good one...maybe a breakthrough? I need to sit with it some more before I declare any major progression but I have felt pretty great ever since and had a kick ass bike ride tonight and a decent run.

I love the West Wing. It really is one of the most well-written shows on television. I am not sure the acting is necessarily the craftiest...after all, they are fairly predictable characters and we like it that way. Different from Six Feet Under, which is all-around brilliantly crafted...written, directed and acted. But West Wing I enjoy so thoroughly as it is happening...The writing is so good and also so subtle...Jokes happen that I guarantee most people watching don't "get" - shit, I bet plenty of the jokes go over my head! I do think lately, though, that the show has veered a bit much away from the issues and towards the more personal story lines. I am sure some kind of market research told them to head in that direction. But I miss the more intense issue-focused parts of the show. But I do love it. I continue to love the idea that on Wednesday night from 9 - 10 pm we have the kind of President I wish we had the other six days of the week.

I am close to figuring out how to do links. The guy from the Demwatch blog is trying to dumb it down so I can understand technically how to do it. As soon as I put a few minutes together to focus on it, I will. I am very excited about it. In the meantime, I need to get my blog mojo back!

I must get my blogging momentum back soon! It has been an exhausting week and while I would love to sit and muse for hours, what I really need to do is read the paper and go to sleep! I have a busy week ahead of me and I need to start it off refreshed. I haven't turned on the television in days and in some ways, I feel like I may not know what is going on in the world but it's nice not to have that noise around for a bit.

Volunteering today at Glide serving food was interesting. I get so sad seeing all those people whose lives seem so, I don't know, ruined. I mean, I look at them and I wonder what it is like to live that life, what goes on in their heads? I watched one man eat today and as he ate his food, so slowly and so methodically and so...alone...I could not help but wonder what was going through his mind...what does he think about, I wondered? And as I thought about it, I got sad...sad because if I were to guess what he thinks about, I would probably guess that his thoughts are consumed with his miserable life and despair over his situation. Then I get sad because I make assumptions like that. What do I know what it is like to be a black man, with two broken fingers, living on the streets of San Francisco and eating Easter Sunday dinner at Glide Memorial Church's free dining room? From my privileged point of view, I can only imagine that his life is pure misery. That there are no bright spots...not real bright spots...a warm meal is not a bright spot, it's a necessity. And after seeing these people today who clearly live in such poverty, saddled with addictions and afflictions, I wonder why I have not dedicated my life to serving them or, even better, fixing the planet in such a way so that these people do not end up in such a place. The strangest thing today was when I was hanfing one man his tray of foond...He was a small, older black man who seemed to me to be "on something." And as I handed him his tray he said, "Thank you," and then somewhat leeringly added, "You so cute..." and then he started to whimper and cry. And he walked away wiping the tears from his eyes. I felt that moment all the way through me. Such a strange sensation of helplessness and shame washed over me...

Then I go to the Easter Egg Hunt at Laura and Matthew's place and I see my friends and we talk about the world and work and school and triathlons...and I think, "I like my life." And I don't feel any guilt about it (should I?). And I don't feel any special pride for my service today...it was a drop in the bucket and if it wasn't me serving that food and cleaning up that kitchen, it would have been someone else, because Glide certainly does not want for volunteers.

Anyway, I ramble. I am tired and have no mood for writing tonight. Just wanted to get a couple of things off my chest.

By the way...I am on hiatus from dating at the moment. I know I say that all the time but I really mean it this time.

Wow...what a week! Somehow I managed to host or co-host two Passover seders without a single glitch! Both were incredibly fun and full of love and laughter!

Wednesday night R____, J____ T. and I hosted a seder for 24 people at J____ T's place. It was really fun. We wrote (or compiled anyway) our own Haggadah, which is always fun because then the whole thing feels distinctly ours. I knew and am good friends with many of the guests who came, but of the 24, I actually invited five of them. R____ invited four people, too, and the rest were J___ T.'s friends. Interestingly, I had gone on "dates" with three of the guests at the table (none of my invitees though one is a good friend). Two were jDate connections, one was a New Year's, um, connection.

The three of us, being the theatrical, spotlight loving hounds we are, we started the vening with a little ditty for our guestss...we sang a rendition of "There's No Seder Like Our Seder," sung to the tune of "There's No Business Like Show Business." The crowd looked nonplussed as we sang (probably off-key) our hearts out...Hey, we enjoyed it!

For some reason, J___ T. made me the seder leader. All that meant was that I would be the person pushing things along - kind of like the director or the stage manager. It went off without a hitch...other than some of the guests being kind of rude (talking while we were all taking turns reading the Haggadah), it went really well. J___ T.'s parents were in attendance and I, of course, loved them and loved that they were there. It was as if they represented all our parents who we couldn't share seder with this year for one reason or another.

I made matzoh ball soup and I must say, it was pretty good...I just followed the recipe on the box and they turned out pretty close to perfect. J____ T. and her mom made brisket and lemon chicken. R____ made two incredible delicious salads. Our guests brought amazing side dishes: Carribean kugel, sweet potato pie, spinach and cheese "pie." The dessert was out of this world - homemade macaroons, all sorts of cakesand cookies. It was delicious and everyone chipped in to make it so. I love that.

Clean up was a breeze with all of us helping. Of course, I got to go home and not deal with the nitty gritty of clean up, like vacuuming and whatnot. But J___ T. has that uber-vacuum so it probably wasn't too too bad! Click here to see pictures!


That was Seder #1 of 2003...On Thursday night I hosted Seder #2 of 2003.

Seder #2 could not have been more different. We did this one at Buzzie and R___'s place (aka Grandma's house). I knew pretty much everyone there, except for E____'s date and a teammate of Buzzie's. But by the end of the night I felt like I knew them both! This seder was decidely smaller than the one on first night. There were (only) 14 of us and it was much mor eintimate considering we pretyt much all knew each other. There were only six Jews there, but that made it even more special because I got to share this favorite holiday with some of my closest friends.

I was kind of in charge of this one but, as usual, eveyrone chipped in to help. I made brisket (Grandma's recipe - I overcooked it!) and matzoh ball soup and a spring salad...even better than the night before! Mama J made an amazing turkey breast- it smelled so good I actually ate some...mmmm mmmmm. M____ brought a delicious side dish of carrots and honey and oranges, and JLy made an awesome noodle kugel...pretty good for a small town Catholic girl! For dessert we had E____'s homemade macaroons, D_____'s chocolate,caramel matzoh crunch (AMAZING...THE BEST PART OF THE WHOLE MEAL!), and a delicious fruit and sortbet selection from L____ and M_____.

It was a really great evening, full of love and light and friendship and sharing. When I share Passover with my close friends, I feel even closer to them because I feel like they are participating in a bit of my own familiy history. I love that!

Next year in (San Francisco? Portland? New York?)!

Sometimes I do things that remind me of my dad...nothing to be proud of, really, but important to recognize, I guess. I have this knack,as does he and as does my sister, for making people feel stupid...I guess it really is more of this propensity for thinking people are stupid and then acting on those thoughts when they prove or appear to be true. I know this about myself, and it has been pointed out to me by others, as well. I don't like this about myself and I have really gotten better at controlling it over the years...partly because I am just much less judgmental about people and am much less at the effect of people. But every once in a while someone comes along that challenges my ability to hold my tongue and,frankly, be nice.

This morning is one of those days. And in my anger at a former friend, I made one of those phone calls that I knew would go to voicemail...and believe me, I did not say what I really wanted to say. I tried hard to temper my comments and I even waited a good 15 minutes before making the call...a sort of timeout, I suppose. So what I ended up saying lacked the venom I wa sfeeling and know I am capable of. And I don't feel bad...I wrote off a friendship this morning, though the writing had been on the wall for a while...but if I have learned one thing, it's not to be treated like shit by "friends" ever again...and so today I learned not to mix business and friends...I guess I probably knew this already and over the past couple of months this has become more and more clear as this particular situation has played itself out. Or maybe you shouldn't mix business with certain friendships. Or maybe you should end friendships when they have run their course and not throw business into it out of guilt.

I am still pretty pissed right now...I don't know how to let it go other than to just let time pass and hope it will dissipate. I don't want it to live in my body and manifest itself as some kind of body toxin. So I write this and hope it helps express my feelings and let them flow out of me. I am sure, too, I will talk to Buzzie about it and she will set me straight...tell me where I am justified and where I am being unreasonable in her opinion, which I highly value. And hopefully that will help. It usually does.

I saw the most interesting thing in Mollie Stone's today. I was on my hunt for some brisket for Passover...unsuccessful, by the way...and ended up buying two bottles of kosher wine,a box of yolk-less egg matzo and a box of Passover cereal (Manischewitz frosted flakes). No luck with the brisket. As I was checking out, I noticed a sign at the checkout counter that was all about some new product, "Nutri Clean" or something like that. It's some fruit and vegetable cleansing process that removes all the pesticide residue from the outside of the fruits and veggies. So there is this sign that says somwthing like, "NutriClean is a method of washing fruits and vegetables that has been proven to remove all traces of pesticide residue. Organic is a method and system of farming and does not guarantee that your fruits and vegetables are completely pesticide free." Or something like that.

Are they fucking kidding with that shit? And you know what, I bet it works. I bet there are many people who probably believe that if they buy NutriClean food, they are buying as good as organic. Because organic is just a method of farming!!! Are they kidding? That's the worst kind of public relations and I am embarassed to be part of that industry at times (and this is one of those times)! And sure, you do the NutriClean and so you have no pesticides on the outside of your fruit...but how the hell was it grown? And what did it do to the environment? And what kind of frankenfruit is it made of? And what kind of pesticides are on the inside? I mean, COME ON! It's embarassing!

Also...I finally understand why, when I was little, my mom used to make us clean up before the cleaning lady came. I never understood that. "Clean your room!" she would say, "Dorothy is coming tomorrow." Dorothy was our cleaning lady...And I used to argue with my mother about that...because it just did not make any sense...why, I would ask her, would I clean up if the cleaning lady was coming? Don't we want her to clean...isn't that what we are paying her for? But I am having the cleaning lady come tomorrow and I need to clean up...so now I get it...

I admit it...it would be nice to meet a man that I connect with; someone to date, a playmate, a soulmate. However...I will say this...I LOVE my girlfriends! Today I spent time with just girls...Running and lunch with T___ this morning, afternoon stroll and shopping with the Monkey, lounging and Sex and the City with T____,B____ and M_____ this evening, Pesach planning with R____ and J____ T. It was, all in all, a great day full of positive female energy. These days are important to have - and T____ really needed this after her weeks with the boys in Australia - and are a good reminder that no matter how much you may hope to someday have a lifelong partnership with a man, you can never forget the power and the importance of the girls.

I miss Grandma. You would think after nearly nine years, I would better accept her death. But I think I am still in denial about it. I am excited to be surrounded by the energy of her memory at Passover, when I feel it especially strongly.

Spending the night in the emergency room is a truly unpleasant experience. I have done it a couple of times. The first time I went to the emergency room that I remember was in 1994 when I was in Boston for the weekend with R___ and I thought I was having a heart attack...We were in a hotel in Wellesley, T__ was with us and I made him take me to the hospital (it was like 1am)...he did and it turns out I was having an anxiety attack. The next time I remember going to the emergency room was in 1999...It was the night of G___'s Thanksgiving party and I was fine at the party. Then we went back to A___'s place and I could not breathe...I wasn't exactly wheezing but I was definitely short of breath...so A____ (reluctantly) took me to the ER at CPMC and it turns out I was having mild asthma...The next time I went to the ER was when I was dogsitting for C_____. It was January 2001 and I woke up in the middle of the night with some kind of eye infection. My eye was totally puffy and sore and I could not figure out what was wrong...It hurt and I didn't know what to do. I was housesitting for C____ by myself (A____ and I were pretty much broken up (for the time being)) and it was like two in the morning and I didn't know who I could call at that hour. So I had to take myself to the hospital. I put the dog in the car and off we drive to CPMC Davies Campus. Turns out I just had an eye irritation. The doctor gave me a wet towel to put on my eye, to soak it. And sent me on my way. For that I was charged something like $250!

My most recent trip to the ER happened yesterday, Friday, April 11. I woke up in the morning and noticed that I had a lot of gas that was causing me to burp. And the burps were, well, disgusting. They basically smelled like sulfur. Disgusting. But, I figured it was because I swam the night before - first time doing butterfly so I swallowed a lot of water - and then got home and ate late...so I thought maybe something was stuck or something and I was just going to burp it out. No big deal. Buzzie and I drove up to Sonoma to meet Mer...and I started to feel kind of crappy. My stomach started cramping a little and I felt like I had to go to the bathroom. We sat through the short film series and then went to the Girl and the Fig for lunch. I was so excited because they have this famous salad that I was excited to try. We got to the restaurant and all of a sudden I had to go to the bathroom...so I did. And from that moment on, I went to the bathroom, excessively, every ten or fifteen minutes for the rest of the day. Finally, at 11pm, I was at Buzzie and R___'s and I was heading home and decided to go to the ER...the burping had returned, the bathroom business hadn't abated...so I went. R____, a gem of a human being, came with me (and stayed all night, until 430am, when they finally let me leave!).

Here is the thing. I recently took my car in for an oil change...Like most people, I do it every 3000 miles or every three months. And that keeps my car in good working order. They check all the fluids, they top them off if they are low...and at critical mile markers, they take a more intense look at the car and do some preventive measures so that the car keeps running smoothly.

So my question is, why do we treat our cars this well and yet not our own bodies? I mean, sure, I go to the gynecologist for my annual checkup, well, annually. But that's it. That's all I do. I suppose I could go for a general physical every year, too, but I don't. It's not like the oil change - it doesn't take 15 minutes, it doesn't cost $30, you can't just drive in and have someone help you right away. But I wish there was the equivalent...maybe Jiffy-Gyn. Where you go every few months, no appointment necessary, general check-in with the doctor, take some blood, run the usual tests and that's that. $39.99. Wouldn't that be great?

So I spent the entire night in the ER and it pretty much sucked. But I will say this - I can't think of a better companion in the ER than R____. He kept me laughing all night long...I swear, he is like the brother I never had. I really love him like family. And he was like the best big brother in the hospital last night (even though he is younger than me and not actually blood related!).

I walked into the ER and R____ went to park the car. It was pretty crowded and I could tell I would be there for a while before I even saw a doctor. As I was waiting to check in with the nursing station, I felt this wave of disappointment that it wasn't more like the ER on "e.r." I mean, duh...that's a tv show. But still, it seemed like a mellow ER for a Friday night. Mellow but crowded. But as the night wore on the ER became more and more like the one we know on television. There was the supposedly ex-heroin addict who scratchd a pimple on his ass and it turned into an abcess the size of a grapefruit (thanks for sharing). There was the older Asian woman who kept shoving tissues up her nose. We think it was bleeding. There was the "bum" - this guy was straight out of central casting - who wouldn't give his name to the doctors or the paramedics ("ask the FBI," he told them). There was the woman whose husband rushed her in from the car - she seemed to be having a heart attack and none of the doctors seemed to be paying attention. There was the baby that kept wheezing, then coughing then vomiting. There was the homeless woman who was shaking in the fetal position on the gurney, probably from withdrawal from SOMETHING. All that, from midnight to 430am. And though I was exceedingly uncomfortable and frustrated, R____ and I laughed our asses off all night long.

While waiting to be called to see a doctor in the ER, I was watching CNN Headline News in the waiting room and I saw the most disturbing thing...First of all, at the bottom of the screen they always run those headlines. It was so bizarre to read headlines like, "Marines begin approach to Saddam's home town of Kirkuk" and then the next headline said something like, "Hong Kong considers SARS implications" and then there's a headline that says something like, "Tiger Woods has rough opening day at the Masters." HUH? Mind you, all along underneath the headlines is a running tally of NBA scores. WHAT? It was so fucked up. News about war, news about a massive health crisis and then news about golf? And basketball? Then another war headline? Are they kidding. The worst thing I saw,though, was when one of the headlines said, "Wassup for the Weekend: How about doing your taxes!" WASSUP FOR THE WEEKEND? Did I really just read that? CNN wrote, "Wassup for the Weekend" for real? It was so disturbing. What is happening to our country? What is happening to our collective intellect? Why don't more people seem to care what is happening to the media in this country? Wassup for the Weekend - I am horrified, and I am scared. I hope Orly and I can collaborate on that newsletter...

Well, I could go on and on about a lot of things...the war, talking about/debating the war (especially with friends), people who are late, Passover, training, my sensitive stomach, my amazing sister, blind dates, online dating, and on and on and on. Alas, it's 1115 pm and I am tired...