I was listening to the radio the other day (NPR, of course) and there was a story about an elderly woman who could barely afford to buy the medication she needs to be able to stay alive. She actually was not that old - I think they said she was 70 or so. But she was on Medicare and slowly but surely, over the past several years, her prescription drug coverage has diminished and now she pays some obscene amount for medicine that keeps her alive. "Again, this health care crisis," I thought to myself. But as I heard the woman list off the various medications she takes, I started to have a different point of view. She has one pill that helps lower her cholesterol. Another helps her control her adult-onset diabetes. And another helped keep the bood flowing to her heart. And then it occured to me. We don't have a health care crisis in this country. We have a disease care crisis. Because we don't have a health care system, we have a disease care system. We spend time and energy helping people get better once they get sick; we focus on curing disease. And we call it health care. But that's disease care. Why don't we spend more energy preventing the disease in the first place? Seems to me that would cost a lot less money and help keep the health care companies in business longer. Instead, we spend all our money trying to UNDO the damage people have done to themselves by not eating properly, by not exercising, by smoking. And then we spend a ton of money medicating ourselves so we won't get too depressed by all our illness and disease.

A health care system would focus on educating people from a very early age about proper nutrition, exercise and lifestyle habits that promote wellnes. A health care system would be designed to help families figure out how to pursue healthy lifestyles with limited resources. A health care system would encourage research about how to stay well, not how to get better. A health care system would thrive when people are disease free. And a health care system would ensure everyone has access to these services so that fewer people succumb to diseases that could have been avoided.

Nope, we don't have health care in the United States. We have disease care. And our disease care system sucks.

What I don't understand is some Democrats' obsession with the idea that we have to put forth a candidate who is electable, rather than a candidate who can give this country what it needs. I fail to see the two as mutually exclusive!

Since when did standing up for human rights, civil rights, women's rights, families' rights, children's rights, the right to health care, the right to an education, the right to a fair justice system, the right to be told the truth by our elected (and appointed) leaders, etc. make a candidate UNelectable?

It is this mindset - the alarming trend towards making all candidates so similar that the difference between them cannot be seen with the naked eye - that has gotten us where we are today...saddled by a system in which only the money wins and in which the masses simply do not participate.

We should not have do dumb down our candidates because media consultants think they know what the American people want. The American people know what they want - they want jobs that pay them well enough so they can at least feed themselves and their families, they want health care that won't break the bank, they want the government to stay out of their private choices, they want a justice system that's fair, they want their kids to have educational opportunities, they want to know that the words coming out of their leaders' mouths are more likely to be the truth than not, they want to feel safe in their homes and in their communities and on airplanes!, they want to pay their taxes - their fair share of taxes, and they want to know that when they retire, someone will be there to make sure they aren't left out in the cold.

That's what Americans want. Now we just have to vote for it. The candidate that offers it is the one that is electable!

I am very concerned that at the end of the summer, one of the current Supreme Court Justices will retire. And if it doesn't happen this summer, it is bound to happen some time before the Bush Residency ends..which means, of course, that some wing-nut will probably get nominated to the bench. But I must say, though I am often disappointed with the current right-leaning majority on the court, today we as a nation have reason to celebrate. Affirmative action has been preserved. By a 5-4 decision. While special points systems have been struck down, the central tenets of affirmative action have been upheld by the court. HALLELUJAH.

It's been a while since I had an engaging discussion with anyone about affirmative action. It is such an emotional issue for me. It is one of the issues about which I feel most strongly. I am not sure why I feel so strongly - I am a middle class white girl. Sure, I am Jewish...but that has only contributed to my opportunities in life, not hindered them. Yet, I feel it in my bones, the way I do a woman's right to choose or the injustice of the death penalty. I worked on the campaign to save it in California...and when we lost...when all the people of California lost...I was so dejected I quit politics all together and went to work in the private sector where I would not grow so emotionally attached to my work.

Many years ago, I decided to keep my feelings about affirmative action to myself. It was easier to bait me into a heated argument about affirmative action than it is to give candy to a child. And invariably, I would become so enraged and feel utterly crushed if the person I was arguing with did not believe that affirmative action is necessary; that the ridiculous phrase "reverse racism" would be used; that they would conjure up some story about how a deserving white person was on the losing end of affirmative action...someone always knew someone who lost a spot at a school, on a team, in a club because a minority candidate got it...that offensive belief that the only way a white person could be rejected was because some undeserving minority was accepted in his place...and the other side of that equation being that the only way a minority person could be accepted was by displacing some more deserving white candidate, but not because he or she was deserving in his or her own right. These arguments would make me nuts. I even found myself one day arguing...practically screaming...at the top of my lungs in the middle of California Street after getting off the bus from work one day. I was arguing with a friend who claimed that he was the "victim" of affirmative action. I didn't understand. He went to private prep school on scholarship. Then he attended Princeton on a football scholarship. And he got his job because he knew someone from Proinceton who knew the person doing the hiring. Yet somehow he believed that he was victimized by affirmative action. Because he didn't get into his first choice prep school and some nameless, faceless minority person did and therefore they took his spot. Nevermind this guy was, as my sister would say, "dumb as a box o' rocks." We haven't spoken since. That was 1997.

And when A___ and I started dating we would get into political discussions and he would express his opposition, or at least ambivalence, to affirmative action. And I would find myself talking down to him, then getting angry with him and losing respect for him. So I decided to keep my affirmative action feelings to myself. Race issues are very hot...chances of me convinving someone to see my point of view are as slim as me seeing theirs. So I determined that it is simply not worth it to argue, strain relationships and lose friends.

But today is a happy day. Nuanced as it is, the decision is unequivocal...as Justice Sandra Day O'Connor said, "Student body diversity is a compelling state interest in the context of university admissions...Race-based action to further a compelling government interest does not violate the [Constitution's] Equal Protection Clause."

Until I figure out how to put links to other sites in the sidebars of this page, I have to keep putting them here. I found this site today. I like it.

Now this is what I am talking about...this is the kind of thing I want to be hearing from a Democratic presidential candidate! Finally, another donkey besides Governor Dean coming out from the Democratic wing of the Democratic party...

I think John Kerry has been feeling the heat lately and is starting to step up. He has been vocal about the administration's deception surrounding WMDs in Iraq and now this. I knew that year I worked for him in Boston was for a good reason! He's back!

****June 20, 2003 | WASHINGTON (AP) -- Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry said Friday that he is prepared to block any Supreme Court nominee who would not uphold the Roe v. Wade decision that legalized abortion.

"I am prepared to filibuster, if necessary, any Supreme Court nominee who would turn back the clock on a woman's right to choose or the constitutional right to privacy, on civil rights and individual liberties and on the laws protecting workers and the environment," Kerry said in remarks via satellite at a meeting of Democratic party officials in St. Paul, Minn.

"The test is basic -- any person who thinks it's his or her job to push an extreme political agenda rather than to interpret the law should not be a Supreme Court justice." ****

I have never worried about health care coverage. I guess I have always had it and, during the few months I did not have it back in 1995, I did not really care. My mother pressed me to get it, though, while I was unemployed, and I signed up for some kind of individual program. My next job was with such a small company, I maintained my insurance and my employer paid the monthly premium, which at the time was, I believe, $49 each month.

Other than my brief three-month hiatus from the healthcare system, I have never thought twice about insurance. For as long as I can remember, I have gone to the doctor as much or as little as needed and to the dentist more than I would have liked. And while I have long been aware of the health care crisis facing our nation, this awareness has come primarily from my work on political campaigns and my lifelong interest in politics and public policy.

That ended for me last week when I learned that my mother’s boyfriend lost his health insurance. Apparently his company is too small to qualify and, due to his own financial pressures, he opted out of Cobra and its $300 a month fee. For any person to be left without health insurance simply because he or she cannot afford it is in my opinion unconscionable. When you take into account this particular man’s current state of health, it is downright cruel.

You see, in November, my mother's boyfriend N___ had a heart attack. At least we think it was November. The actual timing is unclear because he only found out about it several months later when he went to see a doctor on an unrelated matter. That doctor told him he appeared to have had a “cardiac event” and sent him to a cardiologist who confirmed the diagnosis. At the doctor’s suggestion – and my mother’s insistence – N___ quit smoking after more than 40 years. But he never went back to that doctor again.

The unrelated matter he had gone to see the doctor about initially was a hip injury he sustained as a result of a motorcycle accident in the mid-1990s. The injury has steadily gotten worse and he is barely mobile these days. In fact, the other night we were walking to a coffee shop and after one city block, he had to stop and hold onto a parking meter and rest. My mother was fed up with his immobility and pleaded with him to go to a doctor. Finally he relented. But the doctors could not tell him anything in that one visit. And he never went back.

Then there was the doctor that told him he was diabetic. This was not a surprise to me. He is overweight, has terribly unhealthy eating habits, was a lifelong smoker and is about as sedentary as a person could be. A natural candidate for adult onset diabetes. But he only went to this doctor one time.

And then he lost his health insurance.

So now what? The truth is, I care less about what happens to him than I do about what it does to my mother. She has watched his health steadily deteriorate. She seems to care more about his health than he does. It infuriates her. She finds herself angry at him and feeling trapped. Because the way she sees it, she has two options. One, she can continue to live with him, prod him to take care of himself and hope his company or he finds an alternative health care provider. And she can live with the knowledge that he is slowly – though probably not that slowly – killing himself and that she will one day wake up, as she says, “With a dead guy in my bed.”

Option number two? She can marry him. But she does not want to marry him. If she did, she would have done so by now, six years into their relationship. She has been married before (twice) and does not want to go through it again. She is perfectly content to live with this man, share her family with him, embrace his family, make improvements to the home they own together, take vacations together, wake up together each day. But not as husband and wife. She knows that marriage changes things and she does not want to bring that kind of change into their relationship.

But he needs health insurance. And she seems like his best shot for getting it. If they get married, she can cover him on the plan she gets through work. Despite her company’s huge size and claims about commitment to diversity, it does not offer domestic partners benefits. And so the only way for her to help him get insurance is to marry him. Which she simply does not want to do.

Of course there are other choices. But she does not see them – at least not yet. So she is stuck. And angry.

And I am angry, too. Angry that there are people living in this country of freedom and prosperity whose lives are at risk every single day because they cannot afford to pay for what passes as health care these days. And I am not just talking about an overweight, sedentary, ex-smoking diabetic.

I am talking about millions of children whose families risk financial devastation simply because they walk outside the front door everyday where there are swerving cars, buses that run red lights. Where they run around, like kids should, on concrete playgrounds. Where they swing from monkey bars and play on a seesaw.

I pray my mother does not get married again. But if she does I will understand. Because it is too unfathomable to imagine that a man would die because some insurance company deemed his workplace too small to qualify for coverage and he cannot afford medical care without insurance. So to make the system seem less fucked up, you take drastic measures – like marrying someone you do not want to marry – just to feel like you can do something about it.

Infuriating.

When I first started this whole blog process, it was because I needed an outlet to express my thoughts about the war and the state of the world. This seemed like a good way to do it. As time progressed and I became more and more comfortable writing about things mundane, I started to use the blog as an overall expressive device. A way to say what I think about...well, about whatever I happen to be thinking about when I log in. I like it for this purpose. Tonight I considered using it in a different way...Tonight I considered using the blog as a passive aggressive tool tp get someone to react to something I write here.

I was going to write about "the one that got away" that I often muse about in this space. I was going to say how I saw him tonight and, as usually happens when I see him, I fought urges to call him and ask him for another chance. Actually, I went so far as to pick the phone up out of its cradle and prepared to dial. Then it rang. P____ was calling from New York...so I didn't make the call...yet. Anyway, I was going to use this space to say how I wanted to call him but don't have the guts and how I wish I could have a signal from him to know if I should go ahead and approach him about something as harmless as a date. And then I was going to hope that maybe, by some fluke of nature, he would read my blog, know I was talking about him and put me out of my misery! That was my plan. It sounded good to me. It seemed like the least risky way to deal with how I am feeling about him.

But I know full well that approach is not a good idea. So I called (eek). And luckily he wasn't home (or wasn't answering) so I left a message. And instead of saying, "Call me back," I said something IDIOTIC like, "Well, I guess I will see you online or something." I cannot believe how inept I have become at dealing with men!

Seeing him tonight was a little strange, as it always is, because I am always struck by how attracted I am to him. He has the loveliest hands... And I couldn't stop looking at them tonight. But the strange feeling tonight was exacerbated by the realization that I know his ex-girlfriend - she is a friend and co-worker of J___ T____. She is the one he was dating right before he and I started dating. The one who wanted to still be with him (I think I am remembering that correctly). The one who sounded similar to A____ in the role she played in their relationship and the role A___ played in ours. They are still friends and, by way of J___ T____, she was my connection to the party tonight. Tonight, when I saw him there, after I said hello to her, he said, "Is ____ your connection to this party?" And I said yes and asked how he knew her. "This is ____," he said, with a smirk in his tone. And then it hit me. I understood why her name always seemed kind of familiar to me. And I had to laugh. This was the ex-girlfriend, who clearly did not know that he and I knew each other, let alone dated (confirmed later by the fact that she asked me how I knew him) or that I still ache for him. It added a level of complication to my feelings about him. But drama is only what you make it. And there is nothing to see here. No drama.

Meanwhile, all I want is for him to give me another chance. I think we could be really good together. Or not. But I want to really give it a fair shot this time. Though I understand that many people don't get one chance, let alone two. And so why should I?

Two nights in a row...out until 2 am! And another party tonight. This is a little bit much for me. But with the family gone and the race behind me, I also needed to let loose and have one of those weekends that don't come around very often.

It's too sunny outside to be in here writing...But I spent the whole day outside and I need to rest up before the next big adventure tonight!

I was so sad to see my mother go. I hate it when she cries and as we hugged goodbye yesterday she squeezed me so hard and started to sniffle...Then she lost it a little. She whispered in my ear, "Let's run away together to Mendocino." That sounds like fun. I wish she would really consider it. I think she needs to be here, on the West Coast, where her children are. We are clearly never going to move to where she is...I hate it that she movied to Florida. I really don 't imagine I will ever want to live there.

I love her, though, and I want her to do the right thing. Marriage is not going to solve N____'s health problems...and it will only make worse whatever financial strain she already feels from him...Most importantly, she does not want to be married. She is so sad and so angry an she hates to be that way...it tears her up. And I hate to see her so upset. I hope next time she comes, she does so alone...So we can play and walk and not be encumbered by his immobility or stubborn insistence.

Why is it that I am capable of having a deep well of compassion for people I have never met - the plights of os many underserved and underprivileged people around the globe...but sometimes I cannot even find it in myself to have the most basic compassion for people closest to me?

I love my mother with so much of me that sometimes, being around her exhausts me. So much of me is loving her and wanting what is best for her and fighting my instincts to reach out and save her...it tires me out. But then she goes and shows me that she doesn't need saving...I just don't give her enough credit sometimes. I hate that. But I love that she really is okay.

I do feel like my battery has been re-charged. Like I am filling up with momma-love until next time I see her. It is such a good feeling to receive such unbridled love, from her and from grandpa...to know, to feel it in my body, that they love me. I will forever be grateful for that. No matter how nuts they make me!

If I could just find the time to write it all down...It's all building up inside of me but between work, Alcatraz training (and doing) and now family visiting, I simply have not had (or, really, made) the time.

I did the Escape from Alcatraz Triathlon this weekend. Holy shit. What an event. I have NEVER had so much fun doing a triathlon! Now, Ironman...well, that was a whole different ballgame. That doesn't count. But as far as triathlons go, half ironman, Olympic distance, sprints, relays...this was THE MOST FUN! I am so glad I did it! I thought I had lost my tri-vibe. I hadn't been into it all season long. All the training felt burdensome. I was feeling quite burnt out. The race I did in April wasn't fun...Much as I loved the finish line, the race itself was no fun. Wildflower, well, I didn't even do the whole thing. And what I did do was fine...but I would not say it was fun. So I really was not looking forward to Alcatraz being fun. I knew it would be a challenge. I thought it would be very hard and I was especially scared of the swim - it's legendary in these parts! And I know the bike is short - just 18 miles - but everytime I have done the route, it's been quite a difficult 18 miles. And that run! * miles of either up or down...lots of up, including that sand ladder. And the running on the beach...So I knew it would be hard. And I expected that when I finished the finish line would feel great. And that would be fun.

But never did I expect to have fun throughout the day! Okay, I did not really like the swim too much. At one point, per A___'s advice, I forced a giggle. She said I would giggle, and it wasn't happening naturally, so I made myself. Truth is, I was scared. But at the same time, I kept reminding myself that I was, after all, swimming from Alcatraz to the St. Francis Yacht Club. Sure, there were huge swells in the water (so much so that the pros swam a good 5 - 10 minutes slower than usual), and I was disoriented the entier time...But...I was swimming from Alcatraz and doing a triathlon right in my own backyard. So I giggled...and I had to relish the moment (all 50 of them, actually, because that's how long it took me to swim to shore...and another 3 minutes or so to get out of the water and up to the transition area!

The moment I emerged from the water I heard the Monkey screaming my name and then I saw Mer and then mom. Then, a sure cure for sore eyes, R____ S____.

The run from the swim to the transition area so I could grab my bike was awesome! People everywhere screaming my name...I couldn't turn my head fast enough to hear it all! I had a huge grin on my face the whole way. When I got to transition, there was Rocky, getting ready to head out on her bike. And then in came L_____. FUN! We all jumped off the boat together - a surreal experience - and now we were all safe on shore together again!

I headed out on the bike in a flash. It was so fun to ride down Marina Blvd into the Presidio, the ride I always do, and have crowds of people screaming and cheering. I rode moderately. There are so many hills on that course and I didn't want to kill my legs on the first one! The ride was great. The weather sucked but I wasn't cold at all. Riding past Robin Williams house I was so hoping to see him out there. But he wasn't here this year! I guess I wouldn't be either with the weather we were having! Up the Legion of Honor hill was not as bad as it usually is on a regular workout day. It was fun to get to the water stop at the top and see people I knew. Of course, I couldn't remember anyone's name fo some reason yesterday...but it was fun to see people nonetheless!

When I got into Golden Gate Park, K____ came up behind me. I was surprised to see him there! He is a much faster swimmer than I am...but then again, that swim was insane and anything and everything happened out there...It was so awesome to ride with him for a little bit. I think we were together for about two miles. We kibbitzed about the swim and chatted about what was ahead. Then he rode off into the fog...Up some more hills and all of a sudden, I was headed back to the transition...this bike ride was over! Then I remembered...I hadn't done a triathlon with a bike ride under 56 miles since the year 2000! So this ride - 18 miles - was over before I knew it!

The run...what can I say now about the run? I had a blast. I headed out on the run and saw FBFCP and K___ S___ and that crew of boys. They were cheering wildly for me and then I heard K____ say, "Come on Marcy...pick it up!" I had to laugh! The Monkey met me at the entrance to Crissy Field and we ran together for about a mile and a half. Then I stopped in the bathroom before starting the really hard part of the run. Ran into T____ in there. She wasn't feeling well, which sucked for her, but I was glad to see her! I kept running, smiling the whole way, running into people as they headed towards the finish (while I was just getting started!)! Then I was on the beach...running along the surf, trying to stay away from the water so my shoes wouldn't get too wet. And I had to laugh. What a gorgeous city this is! I can't believe I get to live here! And then I get to do a race here! How lucky am I!?

As I headed back to the finish I saw Rocky on the beach and gave her a big hug. I headed up that ridiculous sand ladder and smiled when I got to the top and there was great music pumping and two volunteers cheering. Then I ran it home. I picked up the Monkey again at the bottom of the stairs and we headed to the finish. I saw K___ up ahead and eventually caught up to him. After vomiting twice on the swim, he wasn't feeling too good and so he was walking. I convinced him to run in with me and we did for a few minutes. But he wasn't feeling well enough so he had to walk again. I kicked it in and headed for that line! Saw Mom, Grandpa, Gail, Mer...Mer tried to run alongside me and she was making me laugh. And then next thing I know I am on the grass headed for the finish! I heard my name - the same voice, the same friggin voice as the one who announced me across the line at Ironman! - and I was thrilled. All day long, I had so much fun! Never stopped smiling. Never stopped being grateful for the use of my body in this way. For the ability to live well in this city and to be surrounded by friends who "get it." For my family being there.

I loved it. I want to do it again and again. Every chance I get, I want to try to do that race. I can't believe I never wanted to do it before. But you know, I learned with Ironman...never say never.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Tonight I met mommy's friend from high school. C_____. She lives in Mendocino. She is so cool. Funny how I am so attracted to women of this age! She reminded me of Mokypa...she is so down to earth and smart. She is independent, even within her marriage. She is aware. She is conscious. She is active in her community. I really connected with her! And I can't wait to go visit. I must find a weekend this summer to get up there!

There is so much more to say...about so many things. The Bush administration and its Weapons of Mass Deception...boys boys and more boys...the one who got away who still lingers!...my familiy....friends - old, new, forgotten and no longer. I could go on and on.

But tonight, I am too tired. So, until next time.

Yup...it's Saturday night at 9:41pm and I am home, Blogging. Ah, the life of a single 30 year old woman in San Francisco. Well, this single 30 year old woman in San Francisco. Actually, I am exhausted and happy to get to bed early tonight. I have packed so much into this weekend already...who needs more tonight?

Went to the movies tonight with T____. Saw "Bruce Almighty" with Jim Carrey. Now, I had looooow expectations for this thing. I mean, other than laughing at Jim Carrey and his funny faces, I did not think the movie would elicit much else out of me...and I was right...sort of. Okay, I admit it, I teared up at the cheesy love story part. But I have cried at much worse, so that wasn't a real surprise.

What was a surprise was the strange attempt at a spiritual message that you find in this movie. Strange because it's so damn obvious, they beat you over the head with it! Strange because it's a Jim Carrey movie, for goodness sake! Just strange. But I will say that for the whole walk home, I was thinking about it...the spiritual message, that is. (Okay, I admit it...I was also sort of thinking about L___, the hottie I danced with until 1am last night! But that's another story altogether!). Anyway, the message in the movie - which, by the way, you won't read about in any review...and so, sadly, I am sure it will get lost on most people, even though they really do beat you over the head with it. Anyway, the message, at least the message that I "got" from it, is that God lives within each and every one of us and it is up to us to access (or strive to access) our own divine possibility and ot see the divine in each other. That there is no external power that is pulling strings for the universe. That prayers (real prayers) are simply wishes to be able to get in touch with our own power. So, for example, when someone prays to find love, really they are praying for the ability to see the part of themselves that will allow them to love and be loved. That the power to change our own lives, and the power to have a positive impact on others' lives, is our own. And maybe that power is made possible by the existence of a God-like force or energy in the universe, but that entity is not responsible for our happiness. Anyway, I got the sense that this cheesy Hollywood movie with not enough laughs was also trying to send this other message.

That was Saturday night...But the real fun was to be had on Friday night! The Monkey and I went to the Giants game...so fun. I can't say we really watched too much of the game...surprise surprise, we were yakking the whole time! But it was so fun to hang out and catch up! We just don't see each other enough these days...I suppose it will never be enough unless we are roommates! Anyway, the game was fun and talking to that cutie from San Jose was, I think, a sign for what kind of night we were about to have. After the game, we headed to meet T____ and The Boys at The Kells...An Irish bar near North Beach. Not much of a party girl, I had never been to this bar. The Monkey and I were planning on staying for an hour or so...home by midnight to get plenty of sleep before my tri-brick workout with R____ today. As we headed in the door she turned to me and said, "Watch, we close the place down." Well, almost.

I hardly go out anymore...I am not sure why. I think a lot of it is just that I don't really do the whole drinking thing...and sometimes, actually lots of times, I feel like a bit of a freak about it. I think people think I am an alcoholic or something...or just plain square. And maybe I am (square, that is...not an alcoholic). And since I feel like a bit of a freak about it, I am not comfortable really being around people who are shifaced. First of all, I judge it. I admit it. I think that when people need to have the lubrication of alcohol in order to feel good, in order to dance, to be social and open to meeting new people, I think it's weak. I don't respect it. Because I don't need alcohol to do any of those things. And when people are really drunk, I don't know who they are...it's not real...and I am not interested in that. No, it's not right that I judge it. And I hate that I judge it. And I really try not to. And some nights, I am more successful than others. Last night, I had a ton of fun at this bar...everyone around me seemed to be drinking (though I must say, I love it that T____ can't drink while she is on that medication!), most poeple were, in fact, downright drunk. And I had a blast.

We danced. And really, that is just about all I need to have a good time. Fun music and dancing partners. And, as a bonus, cute boys! And the best part about the cute boys is that they were with us! There were the usual Boys. K____, P____, C_____. Then there were some new ones...ones I had not met before. One in particular was a total cutie...great smile, sparkly eyes, dynamic energy. And man could he dance!!! I have to say...I have not met too many triathlete boys who can get a groove on! Not the kind of groove I am into, anyway. There is, of course, the dance master, R.S. And CP, the Renaissance man who can, of course, cut a rug (what can't that kid do?). And now, there is L____.

So I have a little crush. Harmless, really. But fun. Every once in a while, it's nice to have a crush....if for no other reason than to remember I can!

I am in a writing slump. That's all I can say to explain why I am not motivated to write so much. I guess it doesn't help that I have been busy lately...work has been hopping, training is peaking right now for Alcatraz, I have been holding a full social calendar. It doesn't leave a lot of downtime for musing. I have a good topic, though...for next time, when I am ready to sit and muse. I have been mulling it in my head for a few days now. It will be my first effort at actually writing a narrative nonfiction essay.

I must start studying for the GMAT. Oy.

I cannot believe I haven't written here in five days! I guess I have been somewhat uninspired...Training and being social and working...it all takes so much time! I was sure I would be able to come up with something tonight. I wanted to write about the awesome Texas Democrats who have finally taken a page from the Karl Rove handbook and won! I wanted to write about the Wag the Dog presidency of George W. Bush. I wanted to muse about meeting Douglas Rushkoff (and turning into a mute in his presence!). I wanted to write about training for Escape from Alcatraz. About how much I love L_____ and M_____ and how much I will miss K______ if he ends up moving. About the fact that today marks exactly ten years - TEN YEARS! - since I graduated from Boston University and I am feeling like I wish I had more to show for it. A fancy title and a career, that's what I have. I am not sure what else I think I should have. But somehow I feel as though I should have had more of a positive impact on the world by now. Perhaps I have had a positive impact and that seeing it just a matter of perspective. Perspective I don't have, mind you. By the way, today is also the day we used to "celebrate" as my mom and A___'s anniversary. I suppose now we can celebrate it as the day that is no longer their anniversary!

I am excited for the big Hollywood premiere of "Hollywood Homicide." I guess that kind of thing is pretty exciting (though I am not that interested in movie stars that way) and who knows how many times I will get to go to a big blockbuster premiere with Harrison Ford! This is probably my once shot!

So, I plan to do all this writing. I really do. But today I feel like shit. Woke up with a sore sore throat and now my nose is itchy and runny and I am downning Theraflu in the hopes that I will feel well enough in the morning to go on a bike ride!

Sun, fun, friends and dancing...that sounds like a perfect weekend. And it was...well, maybe not perfect (what is?) but pretty darn close.

I am reminded this weekend of what it means to live in a place where you are surrounded by people you love and people who love you. Reminded what it means to have real friends that you can laugh with, cry with, dance with...be honest with, be scared with, be funny with...hike with, eat fish with, read the newspaper with...I suppose when you live in a city for eight years (EIGHT YEARS!), far from your familiy, you create a new definition of family...an expanded definition. And you end up with people like the ones I know, having weekend like the one I had. It helps to live in San Francisco, where the weather is amazing, the scenery flawless and the people likeminded (mostly!).

Happy Mother's Day to my mom and all the other fabulous mothers in my life!

The fight for free speech continues...I don't know why I am always surprised that forces continue to try to limit this most fundamental of American rights.

On the day of Resident Bush's photo-op of all phot-ops with that weird staged plane landing onto the aircraft carrier, he gave a speech to update us on the war against Iraq. I was listening to his speech on the radio in my car and was struck by one particular section in which he said:

Today, we have the greater power to free a nation by breaking a dangerous and aggressive regime. With new tactics and precision weapons, we can achieve military objectives without directing violence against civilians. No device of man can remove the tragedy from war; yet it is a great moral advance when the guilty have far more to fear from war than the innocent.

I do suppose this is true...our weapons have gotten more precise, the numbers killed significantly smaller than in wars past. But this seems like a strange instance to make this claim. I mean, we killed thousands of Iraqi civilians in our one-sided war against Iraq and more than 100 US military servicepeople were killed. And then we distributed a deck of cards with the faces of 55 "Most Wanted" Iraqis from Saddam Hussein's Ba'ath party on them, hoping we would find them and "bring them to justice." So far I think we have found 20 or so of the men (and woman) on the cards. Alive. And then today there is an audiotape of what seems to be Saddam Hussein's voice. Alive. And his son stole something like $1 billion from the central bank (In US currency).

So explain to me the moral advance in this case - Saddam and the rest of the deck of cards seem to be alive and kicking, possible even regrouping. Innocent civilians can barely get water in their towns, medical help, food.

The current U.S. regime has got to go. I don't want to have to wait until 2004!

On the one hand, I think we need a man like Gary Hart in the race for president. An elder statesman with a firm sense of international affairs and a solid record on domestic issues (as Senator), Gary Hart is not afraid to speak his mind, offer bold and innovative solutions and challenge his critics and opponents to engage in the debate(s). But I also like the idea of Gary Hart as a party leader, maintaining that role as the elder statesman without having to worry about what he says and, more importantly, how he says it. Outside of the confines of a campaign, Gary Hart has the freedom to open us debate about the issues Americans care about without worrying that the edited press will twist his words, that the Republicans will smear his name.

I do hope we can put up a candidate with Gary Hart-like credentials, charisma and intellect. And I hope Gary Hart takes up the role as a party leader, driving the direction of the public debate surrounding the important issues of today.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In early March I attended the Jewish Community Federation's Western Regional Young Leadership Conference. I was excited to participate in a weekend of "Jewish" events, connecting with other Jews my age in the Bay Area and from other cities. I was ready for exposure to a new side of the Jewish community here in San Francisco, not the usual Jew crew I run into at events.

The weekend was so much better than I ever could have imagined it would be. It contributed so much to my personal journey towards defining Judaism in my life. I connected more deeply with like-minded Jews, met new and interesting people that I hope to continue to connect with. And it all surprised me because the weekend started with an opening keynote by none other than the self-proclaimed spokesman of American Jewry, the homohobe himself, Dennis Prager.

I choose not to go into detail about all the hideous things Prager said during his opening remarks...I do not want to draw any more attention to his bigotry than is necessary. But I will say this...the Jewish Community Federation of San Francisco, the group that invited him to speak at the conference, has assured it will not receive any of my charitable giving. I will funnel my Jewish philanthropy instead to the local JCC or other organizations that truly reflect the Jewish values I believe in.

I am reminded of Prager's narrowmindedness and his perversion of Jewish values by an article on Salon.com today. It is a reprint in the Andrew Sullivan column (a whole separate ugliness for another time) of a recent Prager interview in which he talks about homosexuality and its inferiority to heterosexuality. In any case, I cannot believe this guy was speaking in my synagogue to Rabbi Sydney Mintz's congregation. Rabbi Mintz - a lesbian who is a devout clergy member with a life partner and a child they raise together. Rabbi Mintz, who energizes Judaism for me and makes me want to learn more and better understand Judaism's role in my life. I cannot believe they brought this pig into her synagogue.

Certainly, in his keynote address he did not talk about his disdain for gay people, limiting his remarks to his disdain for Arabs and Palestinians. Acting as if he speaks for all Jews when he talks in the divisive language of "us" and "them" and as if the Israel issue is black and white. Worse than his remarks, actually, was the fact that this clown got a standing ovation from the crowd. Which was so upsetting because I believe that the majority of people in that audience do not know the totality of Prager's views. Sure, he is pro-Israel. Sure, he is a proud Jew. But he is a bigot who believes his moral compass should guide us all, who believes the world can be viewed as us against them...men/women, Jews/Arabs, gay people/ straight people...He most certainly does not speak for this Jew.

I am tempted to delete everything I have written in the past two days! These entries were more brain dumps than coherent essays...and I wanted my blog to be coherent essays, though I know at times it devolves into a diary-like accounting of my (not that exciting) life. So I am tempted to delete. But I suppose part of the discipline of this writing endeavor is to learn to publish when I am ready and let it go once it has gone "live." So that is what I am going to do. I will go against my own will and I will not delete the previous two days' entries. The post-Wildflower-weekend-tired-haze entries. But I had to acknowledge that I am not entirely comfortable with the content.

I was out of town all weekend - camping - so I did not have any access to newspapers or radio. I was cut off from the world outside of Lake San Antonio in Monterey County. If it did not relate to triathlon, I had no idea it was happening.

When I came home, I tried to read the Sunday New York Times that was waiting at my doorstep but I was too tired and fell asleep doing the crossword puzzle. Today, I managed to nose around some web sites in between work projects for an update on what the "President" has been up to (though truth be told, I needed the break from his antics after that bizarre plane-landing-on-carrier incident) and some insight into the weekend's Democratic presidential debate. From all accounts I read, it sounds like Joe Lieberman did a great job at making himself stand out among the group of eight candidates, not an easy task. And there is something to be said for the fact that he is the only one who has actually been part of a campaign that has already beat W. But let's face facts...Joe is not likely to win the general election. And the truth is, I do not want him to win the nomination! I am sure there are many who would think that is pure heresy coming from an East Coast Jew like me. But I just do not agree with him on so many issues. He is too conservative for my taste.

Because I know he is devout in the practice of his faith, I trust him more than most politicians to speak his truth. But he is a politician. And he wants to win. And I firmly believe that all politicians must, at some point, sell at least a part of their soul to hold onto their power - not necessarily for power's sake, but because they have changes they want to make, a way they want the world to be. But politics is more than ideas...it is a game, it is a process and throughout the course of that process, many of them seem to make compromises in order to hold onto their power. Over time, they seem to forget why they wanted the power in the first place. Anyway, I am not sure this applies to Joe Lieberman, but I am sure that on many issues - fiscal, military and even social - we do not see eye to eye. And I sometimes have a hard time understanding where he is coming from, what guides his political positions.

I think I like Howard Dean...Dr. Dean. I always thought I would support John Kerry throughout the process. After all, I worked for him and I really like his credentials. We have similar perspectives on the issues that are important to me. But I guess what I am looking for in the primary process is a true blue liberal. I need to reconnect to the causes that define what it means to me to be a Democrat. And while I think that John Kerry has the true blue credentials, I also believe he wants to win so badly, he might go to any lengths to do so. And to a certain extent, that is okay with me...because I really really really want the shrub out of the White House and only a Democrat that is willing to go to the mat will make that happen.

But so far, of all the candidates, Howard Dean is the one that is speaking to me. He says what is on his mind. He asks the questions I have. He doesn't pretend to have all the answers but he is clear about where he stands. I like that in a candidate. It is so rare. In 1992, I was a huge Bob Kerrey supporter for the same kinds of reasons. I had a feeling Bill Clinton was more electable, and I was prepared to work on his campaign when or if that came to pass. But for the primaries, for the contest of the party faithful, I wanted to put my energy where my spirit was...the ideas of the candidate, not his electability.

Once Kerrey was out and Clinton was the clear nominee, I jumped in with both feet and was unwavering in my support for most of his eight years (though his personal indiscretions were a total embarassment). I dedicated myself to the campaign without every looking back. But I do not know that I could have done that if I hadn't dedicated the primary season to Bob Kerrey.

And so maybe this time around, it will be the same way. Perhaps I will go into the contest working for Dean and if he ends up not being the nominee, I will throw my support behind whoever is (and I will volunteer on that campaign because losing the Presidential election in 2004 is not an option). Because what I like about Howard Dean is that he speaks his beliefs, even when they are against the grain, even when he knows that the media will likely twist it around, even though his Democratic opponents are likely to paint him into a liberal corner. It does not stop him and in fact, it seems to attract more supporters to his cause. I could be wrong, but it seems to me that he strongly believes in the heart and soul of the Democratic party - the social values and community responsibility that my Democratic party stands for . Meanwhile, I sent an email to the Dean campaign indicating my interest in volunteering and have yet to hear back.

Lately I have been wondering if I believe in the romantic notion of "the one that got away." I never considered myself to be someone who believes in that idea...not only does the idea seem overly dramatic, but I have long felt that what ever is happening is what is supposed to be happening and there is no turning back. Which is not to say that I do not believe in second chances, I do - certainly there is proof of that in the fact that A____ and I broke up and got back together several times over the course of four years. But I have not ever considered the idea that I may have let someone slip away...that I did not know the good thing when I had it, or that I did know it but was not ready for it and so had to let it go...and that it was the wrong thing to do...not what was supposed to be happening...But in recent days, it has actually occurred to me that it is possible there was one that got away (and if there was this one, were there perhaps more?).

He was most things I want in a partner. Sure, he was a little young, but I tend to be more attracted to the younger ones, and he possesses so many traits that I value. Smart, funny (very funny), sweet, liberal, healthy in body, positive disposition, respectful of women, sexy, expressive and generous. And a bunch of other things. He liked me, which turned out to be his downfall. As I have always said, it is all in the timing, and I was not ready for a man to be so much of what I ultimately want in a partner. It's not as if he was looking to marry me, or even date me for more than a few months. But he was so obvious about how he felt about me - he liked getting to know me and wanted to continue to do so - and I suppose I just was not used to it and was not comfortable with it. So I chased him away. I was not very nice to him at all. I sent him mixed signals, pushed him away, called him back to me, pushed him away, called him back...And finally I sent him packing.

I am ashamed of how I treated him. I asked him for forgiveness last year (around Yom Kippur...seeking atonement!)...a few months of drama with Broadway illustrated for me the good thing I let go...It was too late...he was deep into a relationship with someone else and (I think) in love with her. I heard rumors about the instability of their relationship and I sometimes wondered if I would ever get a second chance - and if I did would I screw it up again? Then he faded from my thoughts. Every once in a while he would pop up again. Something would remind me of him, someone would say his name or, more rarely, I would run into him or hear from him in email or the rare phone call.

It is only when I see him that I think of him in a romantic way and that I wonder if I royally screwed up! Within a few days - or even hours - he fades from my thoughts, not to enter again until the next time he crosses my path.

When we are in the same space, socially interacting, it is weird between us and I am sure it is me projecting that weirdness. I do not know how to act around him, whereas around me he seems perfectly natural. And though I toy with the notion that I let him get away, I am chastened by the idea that he likely does not think twice about what could have been. My best friend encourages me to explore it...to put myself out there with him again and see what he says. But I do not feel that I have the right to even offer that up, and I am not certain, with everything going on with me these days, that I could handle the rejection I am certain would follow any initiation on my part. So I retreat to the self-pity zone until a few days pass and he again fades away.