HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME.

I am blessed with an immeasurable amount of love in my life...friends I couldn't have dreamed I would one day have and family I couldn't have picked better myself (most of them!)! So far, my 31st birthday is turning out to be the best one yet. In the last two days I have laughed so hard, smiled so wide, hugged and been hugged so tightly - I have felt loved every way I turned...

I am blessed.

I just unpacked from my trip. It took me less than half an hour! I don't know why I always have such a hard time unpacking...when I finally put my mind to doing it, I learn the same thing every time - it's just not that hard and doesn't actually take that much effort or that much time.

It's my birthday on Saturday! I cannot believe I am going to be 31 years old! I don't know what it means, really...not sure why it seems odd to me. I think I just never really pictured life beyond a certain age...maybe beyond 26 or so. I don't know why. I think it's because I could never really visualize "adult" things for myself. I didn't exactly grow up with great marriage role models...and so that "dream" that little girls have of growing up and getting married, well...I didn't really experience that. Not that I didn't - or don't - want to get married. It just wasn't really something I paid too much attention to doing...I don't know what I paid attention to doing! I don't know what I thought 31 would be like. But this is for sure not what I envisioned...

I live alone. I have a great career. I am surrounded by so many loving friends and fun people to spend my time with. I do triathlons and marathons (for fun!). I live across the country from my mother, hundreds of miles from my sister and three thousand miles from two of my best friends. This is my 31. It's pretty good as far as lives go. But 31...it feels maybe a bit old...Like for being 31, I should have more to show for it. A kid maybe? A husband? A book published? An advanced degree? Maybe when I am 41 I will have all that?

GO AL! I love it! I wish he could run for President! Howard Dean should hire his speechwriter!

Hmmm. They changed this whole blogging thing. As if it wasn't difficult enough for me to use it...now they have to go change it? Well, I think it's time I buy the Blogging for Dummies book! Too bad I don't have someone from the Dean campaign doing my blog!

New York was awesome. Ironman was so fun...It was so weird driving into town...as if I was just there; as if one year hadn't passed since I crossed that finish line. I got really excited to watch the race...and even more excited to watch Buzzie and Ern and the rest of the kids do it! Buzzie cut it up out there! She had a great day...in spite of nonstop rain on the bike! Her marathon was 4:58! And that included walking! She kicked butt and I was so psyched for her to finish and finish strong. Her smile down the finish chute was unbelievable! I tried to get a picture but I may have been jumping up and down too much!

Unfortunately, the weather wreaked a bit of havoc with Ern's day and she missed the second bike cutoff by a mere nine minutes!!!! ARGH! So frustrating for her, I am sure. That is an ass-kicker of a ride - even one of the pros said he was going downhill at 9mph at one point because of the wind! So, she didn't get to cross the finish line! I was so bummed for her because I know she wanted to have that finish line feeling. Having crossed the finish line myself, I can assure anyone that the real work is getting to the start line, which she did. But sometimes it takes crossing the finish line, as it did for me, to realize that. So, Ern signed up for next year! She is going to do it again! YAHOO for her! I am so excited for us to be there together and be out on the course together and hopefully do some training together!

I have been totally out of the political loop since I have been away. It has been nice in a lot of ways, but I also felt a little cut off from the rest of the world...read the New York Times today for the first time in two weeks and realized just how much I love it.

And of course being in New York made me realize just how much I love it there. Not just the city, for sure I love that city. But I love being there. I love the friends I have there. I love that home feeling I just don't get anywhere else (except when hugging my mom). I hate the humidity. Really, it was brutal. And I wonder if I could live there again...it's so crowded and noisy and dirty. But it's home. I think. Or is this home? I don't know. But let me tell you, if Arnold Schwarzenegger becomes Governor of California, I will be packing my bags sooner rather than later.

Some study came out that said that people were leaving California to go to other states...as opposed to in the past when California was the promised land. I guess I find it hard to believe that people will be beating a path to our doorway with the Terminator as our Governor.

I just cannot get over how much fun I had in NYC and how great it was to hang out with old friends...I cannot believe I re-connected with kids from Howard Beach! It was so great to see them all...everyone looks exactly the same and everyone is doing so well! Is it weird to feel proud of people I have not been in touch with for 17 years? Maybe a little, but I am!

Joe and his restaurant! Candela on 16th between Park and Irving! It was so delicious! And he is the Executive Chef there! The food was awesome, the desserts were out of this world (especially that chocolate one) and the group was a blast!

Juliane, the successful corporate lawyer, happily married for eight years! Stephen, the successful solo practitioner lawyer, living with Joe in Battery Park City! I am telling you, that guy will be Mayor of NYC one day! Rob, in advertising and living on the Upper East Side with his beautiful new wife (who, incidentally, went to Dalton with Le'D)! Karyn, newly engaged and so happy about it! Stacey, happily married and a teacher for 11 years (she wasn't there but we chatted the next day by phone)!! Simon, living in LA and working as a lawyer (he called during dinner). Ian, living in San Diego, a licensed therapist (he wasn't there, but they told me). UNBELIEVABLE!

Anyway, it was so great to see them all and I really do hope we all keep in touch, even if it's just an email now and then to say hi and update each other on the paths our lives are taking!

I also thoroughly enjoyed spending time with Vaness. We had such a great time. So much quality time together talking and just deepening our already phenomenal friendship! I love that girl and I hope she gets every single thing she ever could hope for in her life!

PJ was also great to see. I love how our friendship has developed more since he moved than when he was living here.

It was, as it alwalys is, so great to see P____ L____. I love that guy! He is such a good friend and I so value our friendship. I hate that we live so far from each other. And I hope that things workout for him and R____. She is sweet and clearly in love with him and it would be nice for him to be with a woman whose first order of business is not relationship drama.

All in all, an amazing trip "home." And now that I am back in SF, I remember what I love about it here...the weather, the view, my friends here. I have to remember that I cannot expect to have as many friends here like the ones I have in NY. I don't know people in SF as long as I have known people in NY. So certainly I cannot expect to have the number of deep, close friendships with people I have known for a relatively short time that I have with my old NY posse.

Hm.

Holy shit...what a night! I went to something of a reunion with people I have known since kindergarten! Karyn Ammirati (with fiance), Juliane Kowalski (don't know her married name), Stephen Markman, Joey Macri and Rob Sena (with his wife who, incidentally, went to Dalton with Le'D!)! We met at Candela, Joey's restaurant where he is Executive Chef and part owner (I think)...it was awesome! The food was fantastic, the people were so fun! Everyone looks EXACTLY the same. I hadn't seen them since 1986! 17 years. Well, I saw Karyn a few years ago but hadn't seen the rest of them since my family moved to the city after junior high school! And everyone is so successful! Juliane and Stephen are lawyers, Joey with his restaurant, Rob does something with advertising and Karyn works at an executive search firm!!!

I have so much more to say about the evening but must go to sleep, as it's 130am in NYC and I am TIRED! I will say this, Joey Macri turned out to be quite a hottie...mmm mmm mmm.

Wow...I haven't written in a loooong time. It's hard to write on the road. I actually won't write much here except to say that I cannot believe I signed up for Ironman again! What am I thinking? I swear, I will be single and childless forever if I keep this up!!!

But it will be fun, I think...the group is a really fun group, though I am intimidated by their athletic abilities! They are all pretty much super studs...well, so be it...perhaps it will help me to get faster.

Much to say, no time to say it for now...I do love New York, though. It sure does feel like home after only a few hours!

TIRED!

I keep seeing Howard Dean bumper stickers around town...I think I am ready to commit...I think I am going to get one...

Check him out for sure...it's worth it.

www.deanforamerica.com


Even better is his blog - www.blogforamerica.com - and all the supporters' comments...I love it.

It's been a hard week to get any blogging done! It's one of those busy weeks, and when I do have a few moments to spare, I feel as though I should dedicate them to studying for that g.d. GMAT or sleeping...nothing so self-indulgent as blogging.

I am taking just a few minutes out of my workday to blog because I am feeling the need to get some thoughts down. I feel a tide turing against (p)Resident Bush and his team of cowboys. I am sorry to see that George Tenet is being made a fall guy, but something about this whole Niger/yellowcake thing smells like Rummy to me...

The other day, Bush made what I believe is one of the more incredulous statements of his presidency. He said (AND I QUOTE):

"We gave him a chance to allow the inspectors in, and he wouldn't let them in."

Is he kidding? This, need I remind people, is the same man who accused his opponents of being "revisionist historians." Pot. Kettle. Black.

I am liking Dean more and more and his efforts - and ability - to connect at the most grassroots level.

His blog is awesome and if I ever figure out how to get links on the side of this thing, I will link to it there.
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Go Lance!!! I hope he wins...awesome display of talent the other day avoiding that crash, pulling a little cyclo-cross move! I love it! He's just such an amazing bundle of athletic talent.

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Go to www.DontAmend.com and click on the link in the upper left corner.

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Looking forward to heading east for a few days...need a NYC recharge!

Maybe business school is not the right move for me...I mean, I really want to go. And I love the idea of double majoring. But I do not know how I am going to re-learn all that math from high school. I literally have not taken a math class since I was 15 years old...that's 15 years. The last math I took was trigonometry in 11th grade (with Mr. Michaels). I did not take calculus because...well, because I didn't have to and really had no desire. I scored high enough on the SATs that I was not required to take math in college...So I didn't (again, if I didn't have to and didn't want to...why bother?)...

Here I am 15 years since my last math class (which I aced, by the way, and aced the Regents exam, too)...and I cannot seem to get simple quadratic equations to work for me. I took the GRE in 1994 without studying. I did call my sister the night before and ask her how to find the area of a triangle. And then I took the test and I was fine. I actually did really well...I even did better on the math than the verbal! Then I took the LSAT in 1996...to say I aced it is an understatement. I scored in the 98th percentile...Not bad. No math. No law school either (decided not to apply - yes, I see how some might construe this as a trend of sorts...I am hoping it is not). So here I am in 2003 - seven years since my last standardized test, 9 years since my last test involving math and 15 years since my last math class...and I am going to try to take the GMAT? Maybe journalism school is a better idea. I will happily study for and take the GRE again. I think.

Howard Dean is a genius! Well, the folks running his campaign are, anyway! I have been trolling around his web site and blog recently because the more I read about him, and the more I connect with other Dean supporters, the more I know he is the one for me right now!! I participated in the Adopt an Iowan campaign...a brilliant idea! I wrote letters to three Iowans asking them to consider supporting Dean in the Iowa caucuses early next year. I wrote the letters on Independence Day. It seemed fitting somehow. And I loved feeling part of the campaign. The Dean campaign has a legitimate grassroots movement propelling it forward. I love that!

I took notice of Howard Dean when I read an article in the New York Times about his campaign's use of MeetUp.com. I was intrigued. Here was a candidate who, strictly by using the Internet, managed to attract 4,000 (presumablly young) people to a campaign event for a little known Northeastern former Governor! Of course, I immediately checked out the MeetUp site. But before I could sign up for Dean, I had to check out his site. That's when I saw his extensive web presence - his deep site, his blog, other blogs dedicated to supporting him...And I have been reading about him there. And I read other articles about him. And I like him. And I voted for him in the MoveOn "primary" a few weeks ago. I haven't made the leap to donating money to him yet. But let me tell you, it's not because he isn't making it easy to do!

The latest brilliance of this campaign, in my opinion, is its use of the Internet for fundraising. Much ado was made about this at the end of last month, the close of the second quarter fundraising deadline. Cowboy in Chief raised about $30 million or so and everyone marveled that Dean raised about $9 million. And marvelous it was - he raised several million of that in the closing days of the quarter ONLINE! Today, as I was perusing the Dean campaign site, I started to giggle at what I consider to be one of the most innovative things I have seen in a long long time...

The Dean campaign has created a mechanism by which anyone can create their own web page, as part of the Dean site, and use it to raise money for the candidate! So, I could go and get my own page on the Dean For America site, send the URL out to everyone I know and try to drive traffic to the site and raise money. Imagine this - thousands of independent fundraisers enlisting the help of their friends and families to give money to the Dean campaign! IT IS SHEER GENIUS and I love it! It seriously made me giggle out loud...I sent P___ L___ an email demanding that he call me as soon as possible so we can discuss this!

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Started my GMAT prep class tonight. The teacher was okay but there was one woman in the class who will drive me nuts, I know it. She asks too many questions...and many of them seem to be irrelevant! I know they split up the classes after the first one and I am hoping she and I do not end up in the same one. I know I will not be able to survive a class with her.

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I would like to write a book.

Does anyone ever read this thing? I wish someone would read this who could tell me how I can change my template so I can put links on the side of the page...I see so many blogs that do this and I cannot figure it out! I am so techno-illiterate!

Well, until I figure it out, I will continue to pretend people look at this thing and add links in the body of the musings.

Check out this one...it's one of my favorites these days.

More to come tonight...This is a promise more to myself than the sprinkling of people who manage to fall upon this site looking for information about things like Robin Williams house and Vigalucci's (Google searches that bring this blog up!)!

Great article....Read it here.

I could go on and on about the ridiculous man we are calling our president these days. His cowboy comments like, "Bring it on," that can only serve to incite the Iraqi insurgents who are threatening our troops (and sometime soon my friend C___ who is headed there!) are useless and furthermore, they are unbecoming the leader of the free world (don't think it doesn't pain me to refer to him this way).

Why, I wonder, is there no Democrat willing to stand up and make the American people and the press take notice of this dangerous man? Isn't it worth the risk to one's own political viability to do the right thing for the American public? Why can't the Democrats take some money...enough for one television ad...and run a commercial spot that lays his hypocrisy bare? Remember the Jon Stewart clip, in which he did a side by side of Governor George W. Bush during the 2000 Presidential debates and (p)Resident George W. Bush during his scripted press conference and exposed his penchant for talking out of both sides of his mouth? Why can't the Dems run an ad like that? So what if people get pissed off? Since when are we a bunch of pussies? Is there not one true Democratic leader willing to forego his political future as an elected official in order to ensure that this country is pulled back from the treacherous path we are on? Yes, I am calling on someone, anyone credible in the Democratic party, to fall on his or her sword in the name of the future of this country.

A little dramatic, yes. But I would do it.

I wonder if anyone in America knows (or cares) that Liberia is an African nation founded by former American slaves.

I was listening to the radio the other day (NPR, of course) and there was a story about an elderly woman who could barely afford to buy the medication she needs to be able to stay alive. She actually was not that old - I think they said she was 70 or so. But she was on Medicare and slowly but surely, over the past several years, her prescription drug coverage has diminished and now she pays some obscene amount for medicine that keeps her alive. "Again, this health care crisis," I thought to myself. But as I heard the woman list off the various medications she takes, I started to have a different point of view. She has one pill that helps lower her cholesterol. Another helps her control her adult-onset diabetes. And another helped keep the bood flowing to her heart. And then it occured to me. We don't have a health care crisis in this country. We have a disease care crisis. Because we don't have a health care system, we have a disease care system. We spend time and energy helping people get better once they get sick; we focus on curing disease. And we call it health care. But that's disease care. Why don't we spend more energy preventing the disease in the first place? Seems to me that would cost a lot less money and help keep the health care companies in business longer. Instead, we spend all our money trying to UNDO the damage people have done to themselves by not eating properly, by not exercising, by smoking. And then we spend a ton of money medicating ourselves so we won't get too depressed by all our illness and disease.

A health care system would focus on educating people from a very early age about proper nutrition, exercise and lifestyle habits that promote wellnes. A health care system would be designed to help families figure out how to pursue healthy lifestyles with limited resources. A health care system would encourage research about how to stay well, not how to get better. A health care system would thrive when people are disease free. And a health care system would ensure everyone has access to these services so that fewer people succumb to diseases that could have been avoided.

Nope, we don't have health care in the United States. We have disease care. And our disease care system sucks.

What I don't understand is some Democrats' obsession with the idea that we have to put forth a candidate who is electable, rather than a candidate who can give this country what it needs. I fail to see the two as mutually exclusive!

Since when did standing up for human rights, civil rights, women's rights, families' rights, children's rights, the right to health care, the right to an education, the right to a fair justice system, the right to be told the truth by our elected (and appointed) leaders, etc. make a candidate UNelectable?

It is this mindset - the alarming trend towards making all candidates so similar that the difference between them cannot be seen with the naked eye - that has gotten us where we are today...saddled by a system in which only the money wins and in which the masses simply do not participate.

We should not have do dumb down our candidates because media consultants think they know what the American people want. The American people know what they want - they want jobs that pay them well enough so they can at least feed themselves and their families, they want health care that won't break the bank, they want the government to stay out of their private choices, they want a justice system that's fair, they want their kids to have educational opportunities, they want to know that the words coming out of their leaders' mouths are more likely to be the truth than not, they want to feel safe in their homes and in their communities and on airplanes!, they want to pay their taxes - their fair share of taxes, and they want to know that when they retire, someone will be there to make sure they aren't left out in the cold.

That's what Americans want. Now we just have to vote for it. The candidate that offers it is the one that is electable!

I am very concerned that at the end of the summer, one of the current Supreme Court Justices will retire. And if it doesn't happen this summer, it is bound to happen some time before the Bush Residency ends..which means, of course, that some wing-nut will probably get nominated to the bench. But I must say, though I am often disappointed with the current right-leaning majority on the court, today we as a nation have reason to celebrate. Affirmative action has been preserved. By a 5-4 decision. While special points systems have been struck down, the central tenets of affirmative action have been upheld by the court. HALLELUJAH.

It's been a while since I had an engaging discussion with anyone about affirmative action. It is such an emotional issue for me. It is one of the issues about which I feel most strongly. I am not sure why I feel so strongly - I am a middle class white girl. Sure, I am Jewish...but that has only contributed to my opportunities in life, not hindered them. Yet, I feel it in my bones, the way I do a woman's right to choose or the injustice of the death penalty. I worked on the campaign to save it in California...and when we lost...when all the people of California lost...I was so dejected I quit politics all together and went to work in the private sector where I would not grow so emotionally attached to my work.

Many years ago, I decided to keep my feelings about affirmative action to myself. It was easier to bait me into a heated argument about affirmative action than it is to give candy to a child. And invariably, I would become so enraged and feel utterly crushed if the person I was arguing with did not believe that affirmative action is necessary; that the ridiculous phrase "reverse racism" would be used; that they would conjure up some story about how a deserving white person was on the losing end of affirmative action...someone always knew someone who lost a spot at a school, on a team, in a club because a minority candidate got it...that offensive belief that the only way a white person could be rejected was because some undeserving minority was accepted in his place...and the other side of that equation being that the only way a minority person could be accepted was by displacing some more deserving white candidate, but not because he or she was deserving in his or her own right. These arguments would make me nuts. I even found myself one day arguing...practically screaming...at the top of my lungs in the middle of California Street after getting off the bus from work one day. I was arguing with a friend who claimed that he was the "victim" of affirmative action. I didn't understand. He went to private prep school on scholarship. Then he attended Princeton on a football scholarship. And he got his job because he knew someone from Proinceton who knew the person doing the hiring. Yet somehow he believed that he was victimized by affirmative action. Because he didn't get into his first choice prep school and some nameless, faceless minority person did and therefore they took his spot. Nevermind this guy was, as my sister would say, "dumb as a box o' rocks." We haven't spoken since. That was 1997.

And when A___ and I started dating we would get into political discussions and he would express his opposition, or at least ambivalence, to affirmative action. And I would find myself talking down to him, then getting angry with him and losing respect for him. So I decided to keep my affirmative action feelings to myself. Race issues are very hot...chances of me convinving someone to see my point of view are as slim as me seeing theirs. So I determined that it is simply not worth it to argue, strain relationships and lose friends.

But today is a happy day. Nuanced as it is, the decision is unequivocal...as Justice Sandra Day O'Connor said, "Student body diversity is a compelling state interest in the context of university admissions...Race-based action to further a compelling government interest does not violate the [Constitution's] Equal Protection Clause."

Until I figure out how to put links to other sites in the sidebars of this page, I have to keep putting them here. I found this site today. I like it.

Now this is what I am talking about...this is the kind of thing I want to be hearing from a Democratic presidential candidate! Finally, another donkey besides Governor Dean coming out from the Democratic wing of the Democratic party...

I think John Kerry has been feeling the heat lately and is starting to step up. He has been vocal about the administration's deception surrounding WMDs in Iraq and now this. I knew that year I worked for him in Boston was for a good reason! He's back!

****June 20, 2003 | WASHINGTON (AP) -- Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry said Friday that he is prepared to block any Supreme Court nominee who would not uphold the Roe v. Wade decision that legalized abortion.

"I am prepared to filibuster, if necessary, any Supreme Court nominee who would turn back the clock on a woman's right to choose or the constitutional right to privacy, on civil rights and individual liberties and on the laws protecting workers and the environment," Kerry said in remarks via satellite at a meeting of Democratic party officials in St. Paul, Minn.

"The test is basic -- any person who thinks it's his or her job to push an extreme political agenda rather than to interpret the law should not be a Supreme Court justice." ****

I have never worried about health care coverage. I guess I have always had it and, during the few months I did not have it back in 1995, I did not really care. My mother pressed me to get it, though, while I was unemployed, and I signed up for some kind of individual program. My next job was with such a small company, I maintained my insurance and my employer paid the monthly premium, which at the time was, I believe, $49 each month.

Other than my brief three-month hiatus from the healthcare system, I have never thought twice about insurance. For as long as I can remember, I have gone to the doctor as much or as little as needed and to the dentist more than I would have liked. And while I have long been aware of the health care crisis facing our nation, this awareness has come primarily from my work on political campaigns and my lifelong interest in politics and public policy.

That ended for me last week when I learned that my mother’s boyfriend lost his health insurance. Apparently his company is too small to qualify and, due to his own financial pressures, he opted out of Cobra and its $300 a month fee. For any person to be left without health insurance simply because he or she cannot afford it is in my opinion unconscionable. When you take into account this particular man’s current state of health, it is downright cruel.

You see, in November, my mother's boyfriend N___ had a heart attack. At least we think it was November. The actual timing is unclear because he only found out about it several months later when he went to see a doctor on an unrelated matter. That doctor told him he appeared to have had a “cardiac event” and sent him to a cardiologist who confirmed the diagnosis. At the doctor’s suggestion – and my mother’s insistence – N___ quit smoking after more than 40 years. But he never went back to that doctor again.

The unrelated matter he had gone to see the doctor about initially was a hip injury he sustained as a result of a motorcycle accident in the mid-1990s. The injury has steadily gotten worse and he is barely mobile these days. In fact, the other night we were walking to a coffee shop and after one city block, he had to stop and hold onto a parking meter and rest. My mother was fed up with his immobility and pleaded with him to go to a doctor. Finally he relented. But the doctors could not tell him anything in that one visit. And he never went back.

Then there was the doctor that told him he was diabetic. This was not a surprise to me. He is overweight, has terribly unhealthy eating habits, was a lifelong smoker and is about as sedentary as a person could be. A natural candidate for adult onset diabetes. But he only went to this doctor one time.

And then he lost his health insurance.

So now what? The truth is, I care less about what happens to him than I do about what it does to my mother. She has watched his health steadily deteriorate. She seems to care more about his health than he does. It infuriates her. She finds herself angry at him and feeling trapped. Because the way she sees it, she has two options. One, she can continue to live with him, prod him to take care of himself and hope his company or he finds an alternative health care provider. And she can live with the knowledge that he is slowly – though probably not that slowly – killing himself and that she will one day wake up, as she says, “With a dead guy in my bed.”

Option number two? She can marry him. But she does not want to marry him. If she did, she would have done so by now, six years into their relationship. She has been married before (twice) and does not want to go through it again. She is perfectly content to live with this man, share her family with him, embrace his family, make improvements to the home they own together, take vacations together, wake up together each day. But not as husband and wife. She knows that marriage changes things and she does not want to bring that kind of change into their relationship.

But he needs health insurance. And she seems like his best shot for getting it. If they get married, she can cover him on the plan she gets through work. Despite her company’s huge size and claims about commitment to diversity, it does not offer domestic partners benefits. And so the only way for her to help him get insurance is to marry him. Which she simply does not want to do.

Of course there are other choices. But she does not see them – at least not yet. So she is stuck. And angry.

And I am angry, too. Angry that there are people living in this country of freedom and prosperity whose lives are at risk every single day because they cannot afford to pay for what passes as health care these days. And I am not just talking about an overweight, sedentary, ex-smoking diabetic.

I am talking about millions of children whose families risk financial devastation simply because they walk outside the front door everyday where there are swerving cars, buses that run red lights. Where they run around, like kids should, on concrete playgrounds. Where they swing from monkey bars and play on a seesaw.

I pray my mother does not get married again. But if she does I will understand. Because it is too unfathomable to imagine that a man would die because some insurance company deemed his workplace too small to qualify for coverage and he cannot afford medical care without insurance. So to make the system seem less fucked up, you take drastic measures – like marrying someone you do not want to marry – just to feel like you can do something about it.

Infuriating.

When I first started this whole blog process, it was because I needed an outlet to express my thoughts about the war and the state of the world. This seemed like a good way to do it. As time progressed and I became more and more comfortable writing about things mundane, I started to use the blog as an overall expressive device. A way to say what I think about...well, about whatever I happen to be thinking about when I log in. I like it for this purpose. Tonight I considered using it in a different way...Tonight I considered using the blog as a passive aggressive tool tp get someone to react to something I write here.

I was going to write about "the one that got away" that I often muse about in this space. I was going to say how I saw him tonight and, as usually happens when I see him, I fought urges to call him and ask him for another chance. Actually, I went so far as to pick the phone up out of its cradle and prepared to dial. Then it rang. P____ was calling from New York...so I didn't make the call...yet. Anyway, I was going to use this space to say how I wanted to call him but don't have the guts and how I wish I could have a signal from him to know if I should go ahead and approach him about something as harmless as a date. And then I was going to hope that maybe, by some fluke of nature, he would read my blog, know I was talking about him and put me out of my misery! That was my plan. It sounded good to me. It seemed like the least risky way to deal with how I am feeling about him.

But I know full well that approach is not a good idea. So I called (eek). And luckily he wasn't home (or wasn't answering) so I left a message. And instead of saying, "Call me back," I said something IDIOTIC like, "Well, I guess I will see you online or something." I cannot believe how inept I have become at dealing with men!

Seeing him tonight was a little strange, as it always is, because I am always struck by how attracted I am to him. He has the loveliest hands... And I couldn't stop looking at them tonight. But the strange feeling tonight was exacerbated by the realization that I know his ex-girlfriend - she is a friend and co-worker of J___ T____. She is the one he was dating right before he and I started dating. The one who wanted to still be with him (I think I am remembering that correctly). The one who sounded similar to A____ in the role she played in their relationship and the role A___ played in ours. They are still friends and, by way of J___ T____, she was my connection to the party tonight. Tonight, when I saw him there, after I said hello to her, he said, "Is ____ your connection to this party?" And I said yes and asked how he knew her. "This is ____," he said, with a smirk in his tone. And then it hit me. I understood why her name always seemed kind of familiar to me. And I had to laugh. This was the ex-girlfriend, who clearly did not know that he and I knew each other, let alone dated (confirmed later by the fact that she asked me how I knew him) or that I still ache for him. It added a level of complication to my feelings about him. But drama is only what you make it. And there is nothing to see here. No drama.

Meanwhile, all I want is for him to give me another chance. I think we could be really good together. Or not. But I want to really give it a fair shot this time. Though I understand that many people don't get one chance, let alone two. And so why should I?