On our drive home from Livingston, the chicken center of California, today, B__ and I listened to Governor Ahnold's first press conference. I will say that he did a good job of just handling the media. To be expected, of course, with his years of experience doing so. And he definitely seems likable. He makes jokes and he sounds honest. I have no doubt that his intentions are sincere. And my belief in this actually grew during the course of the press conference. Unfortunately, he still sounds like, well, like an idiot. I mean, he has no real plans for California other than to hire a team of independent auditors and see where our deficit is and then make some decisions about cutting services (because, as he reiterated today, he is not going to raise taxes). Unfortunately there is no place to cut from anymore, unless, of course, you count education, health care and the other safety net services government provides to those most in need. So, as I listened to the press conference, decided I like Ahnold well enough as a person (I guess) and decided he is still unqualified for anything remotely like governing, I wondered, "why did he even want this job?" As he said today, there will be no time for movies, there will be no time for anything (after all, California is a big state - he actually said this). Instead, he will be spending the next three years trying to figure out how to deal with the issues he inherited from Gray Davis, who inherited them from Pete Wilson. It's a losing proposition, I don't know why he wanted it or why the Republican Party wanted it (and I am sure they wondered that, too, during his press conference when he advocated work permits and visas for undocumented immigrants and talked about clean air, which sounded suspiciously like clean ears). I don't know why they didn't just wait it out, let the Dems continue to flail and then pounce on the Governor's office when they could really win. As it is, California is SCREWED and unless and until we repeal Proposition 13 so we can start getting some more money in the state's coffers - money we should have been collecting since, oh, I don't know, 1978! - we are not going to be able to dig out of it. We will never make money again like we did in the 90s...well, at least not for a while. We need the taxes and these homeowners and businesses who benefit from Prop. 13 are simply not paying their share. But, alas, Prop. 13 is untouchable for some reason...I guess the people who benefit from it have tons of money and tons of influence (the rich get richer)...so we will be screwed for a while.

==============================

The wedding last weekend was amazing. So much love in the room. So much happiness. So much fun! The Aussie's were everything I expected them to be. They were crazy and they were fun and they were so inviting. Eri was, of course, the most gorgeous bride and J___ is stunning, too. Their families are clearly in love with each other and are so thrilled that these two found each other. I swear, from the time I arrived in Morristown, New Jersey on Friday night til I left on Sunday morning (at 5am), my cheeks hurt from smiling (except I wasn't really smiling so much during my 3 hour run). The square-dance ho-down on Friday, the incrediblly beautiful ceremony Saturday, the amazing reception Saturday night...all of it had me smiling ear to ear. The bride and groom were so gracious...the guests were so fond of them both and therefore, we were all so fond of each other...it felt like I had known them all for longer than the few hours I had known them. By the end of the reception, when I was standing on the dance floor with my arms around Fiona, Dave and Nicola swaying back and forth and singing this Australian song about a one night stand that everyone knows the words to (kind of like their version of singing the Piano Man at the end of a drunken night in college!), I realized that this wedding was exactly what it was supposed to be - a gathering of Eri and J___'s favorite people all sharing their love.

This marriage bar was set so low until some of my friends started getting married. Now I feel like the bar is set awfully high.

Shit. Ahnold is our Governor. Oh well, what can you do? Hope for the best, I guess. I mean, let's be honest...I hope he succeeds. I mean, if he can turn things around, more power to him, right? I am highly skeptical that he will actually do this - with a very small percentage of the budget going towards discretionary spending, the Governor does not actually have a lot of sway - but in truth, I hope he succeeds because California will be a better place if he does. Hopefully I will be gone by then, though, and will come back when a real Governor takes office.

Bright spots - both right-wing supported propositions failed.

In some ways the last 24 hours or so has been pretty interesting as far as national affairs goes. I mean, this whole business of an investigation into the "tawdry" tactics of the Bush administration outing Ambassador Wilson's wife as a CIA operative is rather interesting. Of course, the Democrats, seeing a political opportunity (and let's face it, that's what this is) are calling for a "special prosecutor" - a la Ken Starr, I suppose. Ha...we should be so lucky. Seems John Ashcroft has bigger balls than Janet Reno ever did and I have a strong feeling he won't bow to that pressure. At least not without a major fight. The Dems have a point, though. I mean, when the Justice Department calls the White House counsel's office and tells him to send a memo to the staff that they will be required to cooperate fully with the investigation, and the White House Counsel asks if he can wait a few hours before sending the memo out, and the Justice Department says okay...well, you see, that's a problem. Whether that is standard operating procedure or not is irrelevant. It seems wrong and that is enough to make the whole thing suspect. But even if a special prosecutor was appointed, the chances of getting one that is as rabidly opposed to this adminstration as Starr was to Clinton's are slim to none. I am interested to watch the whole thing as it unfolds. Though, knowing Karl Rove and his band of dirty operators, they will create some other kind of news (perhaps find another (fake) mobile weapons lab?) to get this stuff out of the headlines.

In other news, seems the Texas Republicans are now fighting with each other over their illegal, racist and downright dirty power grab aka redistricting! Ha...wouldn't it be ironic if it ended up not happening because the Republicans, after steamrolling the Democrats, couldn't quite bring themselves to fall lokstep behind the wishes of their fearless jackal Tom DeLay? I would laugh my ass off if the redistricting fell through.

And Arianna is out of the race. As if her two percent will help anyone at this point.

According to Jewish teaching, you cannot ask God to forgive you for a transgression against another person, people must work that out on their own. I like that teaching because it keeps us on the hook for our behavior. Of course, just because I like it does not mean that it's easy to do.

I remember last year I asked R___ to forgive me. It was hard to do...we were standing by a tree at the Pacific Grove triathlon and I somehow managed to get it out. He was quite gracious about it and, in keeping with his good character, did forgive me. So he said. I chose/choose to trust him. Of course, I was desperate for his forgiveness, having harbored both guilt and regret for several months at that point.

In my current scenario, there is neither guilt, regret or romance involved..it's like, I have forsaken a friendship, which was the right thing to do...I just don't like how I went about doing it...and it is for that I am seeking forgiveness. The Days of Awe last for about 8 more days...I am hoping to figure it out before this period ends.

L'Shana Tova...Happy New Year. L'Shana Shalom. Peaceful New Year.

Sundown today is Rosh Hashana, the day that marks the start of the Jewish New Year and the beginning of the period of reflection, which ends at sundown on October 6, Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement. The year is 5764 on the Jewish calendar.

I think Jews everywhere have different interpretations of this important period of reflection. In fact, Jews everywhere have different interpretations of just about everything, so why not this. Having discovered my connection to this holy period on my own, I have also created my own sacred space around it. Jewish sages believed that this season of reflection is meant to be an opportunity to examine our souls, to recognize where we may have done wrong, or fallen down, and reconcile with each other and with our God. I like to approach these next few weeks as a bit of a cleansing period, a time to look on the past year and see my growth (or lack thereof) as honestly as I am able. That's the reflection part for me. Not to re-live the memories of the past year, though that can be fun...but rather to really hold a mirror up to the kind of person I have been and see how close I have gotten to the person I want to be. I tend to find that I am more of the person I want to be year after year. Perfect, no. But more honest, more sincere, less judgmental and more loving. Usually.

The other part of this season is atonement. Again, there are different interpretations about this practice. I see this period of atonement as a time to seek forgiveness from each other and ourselves. I believe that by seeking, and granting, this forgiveness, we are accessing the God within each of us and, therefore, in the process seeking and receiving God's forgiveness, too. I try to take this atonement thing seriously. You see, in the reflection process I inevitably stumble on several occasions in which I have "wronged" another person. Usually it's not malicious, just misguided. When I can see it, I try to ask forgiveness. If possible, I ask the person directly. Sometimes that's too hard to do...in those cases I try to forgive myself for my behavior and I secretly vow to not repeat the behavior. Not sure if that counts in the atonement rules...I mean, do I actually need to call someone up and seek forgiveness, like Step 4 of the 12 Step program? I don't know...maybe. I should ask a Rabbi about that one. I will probably ask a Reform Rabbi since those rules seem to be more lax.

==================

One thing I am really sick of is the constant characterization of the California recall as some kind of circus. Yes, it is ridiculous that we are having this recall. But we are having it and it is crucial that the voters take it seriously. Regardless of how people feel about Gray Davis, regardless of whether or not you support his ouster, this election is serious business, as is every election. Sure, there are 135 candidates - including porn stars, children of basketball stars, former child stars, action-movie stars, etc. - but that does not make it any less of an election. Circus, maybe. But that was what they said about Florida in 2000 and look where it got us.

Why is it that just about everyone in my family lives in one of the two states with an international reputation for ridiculous election shenanigans? Shit, my mom lives in the actual county in Florida that was home to the butterfly ballot controversy.

One of these days I will laugh at it...not take it so seriously. I don't see it happening anytime soon. But a girl can dream!

================

Watched part of the Democratic presidential candidates' debate last night. I still don't know who I will end up supporting. But I must say, I am liking them all better and better (okay, except for Dennis Kucinich who is just a little creepy). Yes, it is unfortunate that they have to lash out at each other...but I think they are doing a good job of not going overboard in doing so while at the same time hammering away at George Bush. John Kerry seemed strong and more passionate than usual. Howard Dean, the target of those who were on the attack, did a good job of fending them off and also reminding us all that the real target should be George Bush. Wes Clark was fine. He is a looker, that guy. And I thought it took BIG BALLS for him to show up to a policy wonky debate after only 9 days on the campaign trail. That meant, of course, that he didn't have a lot of specific answers. But he was good...and he showed up, which, in my opinion, showed something special about him - he can think on his feet, he can perform under pressure. Don't get me wrong, I don't think for one minute that he wasn't expertly prepped by a team of, well, experts. But there is only so much you can do in only 9 days. Carol Moseley-Braun did a great job, too. I don't take her candidacy too seriously, let's face it, she won't win. But I do take her more seriously after seeing her debate last night. She represented herself well and she was careflu to always remind viewers that the Democratic Party is the party of fiscal responsibility and prosperity (a la Bill Clinton). Well done Ambassador!

Joe Lieberman, well, he's just boring. He is a bit of an anachronism within this crowd. I don't know why but for some reason he represents to me the losing past of the Democratic Party. I mean, technically we didn't lose in 2000. But we sure didn't win, right? And that was him...his campaign with Al Gore. So I just don't like him being part of this group. But he is a good orator and a lot of people liike him. And, you know, I do like seeing a nice Jewish boy in the mix! Dick Gephardt is cool. A nice liberal Democrat. He will never win. But he is passionate and energized and we need that in our party. So he's good to have in the mix. Bob Graham did a great job, despite seeming like the Grandpa in the group. Everyone talks about him for VP...I did like him last night, though I hate the fact that he voted to support Miguel Estrada for the federal bench. Pure pandering on his part. But he did a good job, represented my Party well.

John Edwards...I don't know about him. I mean, he is good, he is smart, he is handsome. But he may be a little too slick for me. And I have to say that I am inherently suspicious of a politician with a Southern accent. It was one of the things that turned me off to Bill Clinton during the primaries in 1991/1992. I am not saying it's rational, it just is. But Edwards is good...sharp, well-spoken, committed, passionate. All things we need to be portraying to the voters right now. Al Sharpton is just damn funny. And has a better grasp of the issues than I would have ever given him credit for. Every movement needs its fringe and I think Al Sharpton serves a good purpose - he keeps the African American base engaged, he provides comic relief and, because he is such an unlikely candidate, he has the freedom to say some of the things other candidates may be too afraid to say.

And so I am hopeful.

So the recall is on. I surprise myself by feeling like that's the right and proper decision (my keen legal analysis brought me to this conclusion!). I am ready to be done with the whole thing anyway. I have yet to really entertain the idea that Arnold might win...I just cannot, as "they" say, "go there." Driving home from Modesto today I saw a car with an Arnold bumper sticker...I actually laughed out loud. It seemed absurd to me that anyone would support him...that anyone really wants Arnold Schwarzenegger to be Governor! Anyway, I am ready for it to be done with and I am going to try not to get too caught up in it on Election Day. I mean, I will vote and I wlil be eager to learn the outcome...Hopefully No on Recall will prevail. But if it doesn't, well, I am hoping I can find the humor in it all - regardless of who becomes Governor - and know that I can easily leave the state if it gets out of hand.

I definitely live in interesting times.

I listened to Bush's speech to the United Nations today. Has there ever been a President of the United States less inspiring than this guy? His speech was fine, I guess. His delivery was fine...I mean, other than his usual nuke-yu-ler pronunciation he didn't fuck up too much (and for the record, I think that his incorrect pronunciation of that word is, in itself, a punishable offense). But his speech was so uninspiring. Leaving everyone to read between the lines, never apologizing for his steamroll of the UN, and never once acknowledging that he needs the UN's help right now, that he was wrong about going it alone. Not that he needs to grovel...he doesn't...the United States should not need to beg for help, even in this case when we fucked up and everyone knows it. But if we - and by "we" I mean the so-called leaders who are meant to represent all Americans on the world stage - if we showed even the slightest bit of humility, I am convinced it would go a long way. Alas this cowboy, this wanna-be soldier George Bush...he knows not of humility.

Apparently Wes Clark is leading in a new poll...strangely, I think, in that he has only been a real candidate for a few days. I think it's a good sign, though. I think it demonstrates that people are looking for something, someone to get them excited. Yes, I know, everyone talks about how Dean gets people really excited. But you know, so do all the candidates. I mean, there are people who are very excited about John Kerry (I was one of them long ago and I would enthusiastically support him if he became our party's candidate); strange as I may find it, there are people excited about Joe Lieberman (am I a bad Jew that I am not one of them?); I have seen the excitement Dennis Kucinich excites in people; Carole Moseley-Braun got people so excited that the National Organization for Women (NOW) endorsed her! So there is no shortness of excitement surrounding the Democratic party's presidential candidates. I think Dean gets a lot of the attention because, let's face it, the media still thinks the Internet is "cool" - I am not convinced the suits in charge of our corporate media really get the Internet - and because Dean's campaign has brilliantly harnessed the power of the Internet in a way the American presidential campaign has never seen. That and the fact that Dean's supporters are - or at least seem to be - scrappier than the other candidates' supporters. I mean, Dean himself is scrappier than the rest of them. Out of all the candidates, he is the one I can most envision rolling up his sleeves and getting shit done. Anyway, Clark, I think, is the first candidate to come along that inspires a similar scrappiness in people...I think he has that "roll-up-his-sleevesness" that Dean has. But something about him is more...I don't know...Presidential? I hate that word...It's such a media fabrication. But when you stand them next to each other, certainly they both have the credentials to be President, Clark and Dean...but side by side, I don't know...I think Clark has something an extra something...a Presidential quality that only appears lacking in Dean when a candidate like Clark is in the race. It doesn't hurt that Wes Clark is a total babe.

Feeling a bit smarty-pants today! I finally got the GMAT over with yesterday and I must say, I am quite shocked, but proud, of my performance! I had hoped for a high score...meaning something in the 600s. Since I hadn't gone higher than 650 on a practice test, I hoped I could go that high on the real thing. Imagine my surprise when I completed the test, the demographics questions after it and the "are you sure you want your scores" section, when "750" popped up on the screen! 99th percentile. Go me!
================

What a week...the same day I outperform my wildest dreams on the GMAT...at the same exact time, actually...Wesley Clark announced his candidacy for President. I sense good days ahead.

Hot shit. Sounds like the Federal Appeals Court has preliminarily ruled to postpone the recall. Gotta love the Ninth Circuit...they are always stirring it up. There is not a great deal of information out just yet, as it was just announced. And it sounds like it is an initial ruling, probably by a 3-judge panel. It probably has to go to the full panel and then a decision will be forthcoming. Fascinating. All around, this recall has been an amazing learning experience, regardless of the outcome. I mean, I always knew politics was bizarre. But this recall has taken that to a new level.

President Clinton is in California. Sometimes, if I close my eyes I can almost forget he is not the President anymore. Almost. I hear he gave a rousing speech in Los Angeles, railing against the recall and urging Californians to vote against it. This week a number of prominent national Democrats are making their way to California to get the "party faithful" out and voting on October 7 in the hopes that the recall fails or else that Bustamante wins if the recall prevails. I wonder if that sort of thing works. I mean, is it possible that people who are otherwise disengaged - or perhaps just underengaged - can be swayed to vote a particular way just because they see the Governor with another politician they like? I guess it is...otherwise campaigns would not use the tactic. It just seems, I don't know, somehow implausible to me.

=====================

I wonder when Wesley Clark is going to make his announcement. "They" say he is 90 percent certain to run. Part of me hopes he does and part of me hopes he doesn't. I don't want there to be such disunity in the Party that the candidates start attacking each other and basically write Bush's re-election campaign script for him. And I definitely think that if Clark stayed out, Dean would be our man and I think - I know - he can pull out a win. Dream scenario - they get together, Dean and Clark, and decide to run as a ticket and approach the primaries now, as a ticket. They can lock it up. I don't think it matters who is at the top of the ticket either. Either way, I am confident this is a winning strategy. I had long hoped, during the 2000 campaign, that Al Gore would take this approach...I thought it would be a good way to shore up his messaging and balance his negatives early enough that he would be at full strength for the entire length of the election season and come into the general election with a commanding lead and a decisive win.

============

Rumor has it J-Lo and Ben broke up.

How can I celebrate the joy of living while at the same time I mourn the loss of life?

The second anniversary of the September 11 attacks is coming on Thursday. I cannot believe it's been two years. It simultaneously feels like it has been two minutes and two centuries since that day. I have noticed an "uptick" in media coverage of 9/11-related topics. I have kind of enjoyed it, actually, in some ways it gives voice to the things I think about daily. I mean, 9/11 may have happened two years ago but it is in my consciousness every single day, and I suspect it will be for a long time to come. So to see it covered in the newspaper or on television, well, seems right to me.

As I read the articles in the New York Times or see the footage on the Today show, I wonder what it must be like for the people closest to the events of that horrific day (how many adjectives are there to describe the day?). I wonder about this a lot, actually. I know what it is to mourn the death of a dear, close relative. When my grandmother died, it rocked my world (and still does nearly nine years later). But I cannot imagine the horror of losing someone in those terrorist attacks. It seems worse, somehow. Maybe because everyone in the world saw it happen...maybe not live, but eventually, they saw the images of the plans flying into the buildings, the falling Towers, the crashed plane on the ground in Pennsylvania. Maybe it is because the whole world is grieving with you...sort of...but unless they have walked in your shoes on this one, there is no way they can understand. Maybe it seems worse because you do not get a lot of privacy around your grief. I know that every year on the anniversary of her parents' deaths, my mother lights a Yorzheit candle to mark their passing. In her house, in private, she lights the candle. There are no newspaper articles about it. No analysis in the weeks leading up to it. Nobody wondering what she is up to now that __ years have passed since they died. No public memorial.

But the relatives and friends of the 9/11 victims have no such privacy with their mourning. The day is one that is observed by people around the world - a fact that I am certain brings both comfort and rage to victims' families.

Anyway, as I have been absorbing the media focus on the second anniversary of the attacks, I have been thinking of the impact on my own family. And my mind turned, as it often does, to Stephen, who, like many CantorFitzgerald employees, was killed on that day. And to Gregory, Stephen's twin brother, and Aileen, Greg's wife (and my cousin). Gabrielle, Stephen's widow, and their daughter, Madeline. Stephen's twelve brothers and sisters, his parents, the kids he used to coach in football, all the hundreds of people who knew and loved him. And my heart goes out to them.

Today I sent Greg a note. I wanted to let him know I was thinking of him. Somehow it seemed better to send it today, rather than on Thursday. Because I know he mourns daily, not just on the anniversary. And to send it on the anniversary seemed, I don't know, cheap. In truth, I want to reach out to him every day...but as usual, life gets in the way. But as the anniversary approaches, I wanted to send him my love, let him know Stephen lives on in me and that on September 11 I will take a special moment of reflection in Stephen's honor.

Greg wrote me back. Said 2003 was an especially hard year. I cried. I can only imagine. The first year the shock keeps you insulated for a while. The newness of the absence keeps things from seeming, I don't know, real. Everyone rushes to your side, helps you through those first treacherous months. You try to get through day-by-day, without too much thought to a future beyond the next ten minutes. In many religions, the end of a year mark signifies the "official" end of mourning. Somewhere it was decided that one year is enough time to get over it - or at least enough time to get on with it. But after this time passes and you are doing your best to "get on with it," I would imagine the reality of the loss starts to set in. He isn't coming back. This is forever. And I think that must be the hardest part. The long-term view of a life without your twin brother, your best friend. The thought itself sends my mind reeling.

Come Thursday, I will do what I can to commemorate the day. It will surely not seem like enough. But it will have to do. And I will take a moment to honor Stephen and his family. And I will try to honor the memories of the thousands of men and women whose lives were taken that day. And next year, I will do it again.

I think I want Wesley Clark to run. I do not know if I will in fact leave the Dean camp to support him...but I want to see him, hear him, get his vibe...I think he can do all of us a great service by running. Real options, that's what I want. He seems to have the courage it takes to get in the ring. And much as I hate to admit it, I have a feeling I would support his candidacy...based on the little I know about him already, I can see our issue viewpoints are nicely aligned. Moreso than Howard Dean...I do think Howard Dean is amazing. And who knows...Clark might not run or I might not end up liking him as a candidate after all...and then I am happy to be an early Dean supporter.

Maybe that makes me wishy washy...fickle. I don't care about the judgments. Bush MUST lose. And that is overwhelmingly more important than my need to be loyal to a candidate because, well, because I said I liked him early on.

I really like Howard Dean for President. He's articulate, he has inspired a passionate following of people whom, I believe, are willing to do whatever it takes to get him elected (though I do fear that some are too, well, just too nice to get down and dirty with the likes of Karl Rove). This is important for a candidate to be successful in the primaries. I like him a lot...he speaks with a voice that in many ways, on many important issues speaks for me. If the primary election was today, I would certainly vote for him.

HOWEVER...

I am not going to lie...I like Wesley Clark. And not only because he has - or seems to have - impeccable military credentials, useful for a wartime candidacy. But because on just about every issue, from what I can tell, he takes a perspective similar to mine. Now, I am getting all this info from the DraftWesleyClark web site, on which there is an entire section dedicated to his stance on a range of issues. These Clark enthusiasts, not me, did a great deal of research to determine his views...since he isn't a candidate yet there are no official position papers. Anyway, they culled information from his hundreds of media appearances, his book, his articles and other bits of evidence to determine his perspective on a range of issues, from affirmative action and gun control to taxes and immigration. And while it's rare to find someone with whome you can agree on every issue, I will say this...his positions seem to align very closely with mine...moreso than Dean's do in some cases.

So far, nobody knows if he is actually going to run. And if he does, I think it will throw a lot of things into turmoil. I would venture to guess that there are quite a few people like me who like Dean because he is the best candidate out of this field of nine but maybe haven't quite signed on to him 100 percent. Sure, I have been trying to get my politically-minded friends to take a look at Dean. And I read the Dean campaign's blog daily (the jolt of energy from his supporters that comes through on that site is unbelievably inspiring). But I haven't gone to a Meetup (though I keep saying I will) and I haven't given money. I haven't bought a t-shirt or a button or a window sign.

I guess I am still waiting to see if anyone emerges that has the Dean energy and the passion of Dean's supporters and also has that special something that gets me all fired up...Ever since talk of a Clark candidacy started circulating I have wondered what I would do if it actually happened. I wondered if it was too early to commit to my candidate already. So, I give General Clark until October 1 to make some kind of an announcement. After that, I am Dean all the way. But until then, he has the potential to sway me. I am not saying for sure that it will happen...but I am open to it.

Rumor has it that Wesley Clark is making some sort of announcement on Inside Politics today regarding his potential candidacy. People are also talking about a Clark/Dean ticket (though I am not sure in what order). I have to admit, Clark is a compelling candidate. I do like Dean, and I do think Dean can win (the nomination and the general election). But I also think Clark would have an easier time of it. I would like a Dean/Clark ticket, I think...Either way it went. Though I really like Dean at the top of the ticket.

Great article by David Talbot today on salon.com. Check it out You may have to scroll through some ads if you are not a subscriber).

===========================================================

Buzzie paid me the nicest compliment today. She told me that she has noticed over the last few months or so that I have gotten less defensive about things. That I seem more willing to be vulnerable...This is a compliment because I have been working so hard to get to such a place. To be nicer to myself (and therefore require others to be nicer to me!), to let people see the not-so-strong sides of me. I have found that it makes such a difference in the quality of my life. First of all, it is exhausting to spend all that energy doubting myself. And it is more fun when people can see all sides of you...it's easier...a weight lifted when you know that it's okay to not always know, to not always be right, to be sad once in a while, to get hurt. It sucks, for sure. But if you don't go through it you can't move past it. I really believe this. Not that you need to wallow. But if you don't feel your pain when it happens to you, you will never move past it to the next opportunity...because you will always be afraid of the pain you will never open yourself up to situations that, though they may cause much pain, have greater potential to bring joy and light. What's that saying, with great risk comes great reward? I trust now that this is true. Difficult to live by, but true nonetheless.

So I find myself in a position to really put this new sense of myself to the test! And it's not that easy to do! I mean, sure, when I am not in a difficult situation, when I am deling with my closest friends, it is easy to not be too defensive, to be vulnerable. But what about when I am in a situation like the one I am in...Can I still be honest about my feelings, even though it probably means I will be disappointed or hurt? Can I say that I am scared that because I was hurtful to him so long ago that he will be hurtful to me now? Can I admit that physical closeness with him is just not enough for me, that I want more, even though he says he can't offer much more right now? Can I really put myself out there like that? It's hard to admit these things to myself let alone to him. I mean, why mess with what it is right now - a fling...Who couldn't use a fling now and again? But for whatever reason, that's just not where I am right now.

I had a revelatory moment with myself today...I got home from his place this morning and I was exhausted, dragging my ass around my apartment and I passed a mirror...I don't usually look in the mirror for some reason (a whole separate topic for another time!)...but this time as I walked by I glanced. And I smiled at what I saw. Because as it turns out, I really like myself right now. And I actually said out loud, "Lynn (I refer to myself in the last name when I want to get my attention!), what are you doing? You deserve more than this." And so I do. Which is not to denigrate him in any way whatsoever. He is fabulous and if he were willing, I would want to try again...try for real. But as long as that's not what he wants, I can't do the other. I can't have the physical without the emotional. I never was any good at separating the two anyway.

After my short stint of jury duty today I can say with certainty that it is no wonder that our legal system is, well, really f*d up. Jury duty is made to be a chore - parking costs more than you get paid for attending. You sit in a dungeon-ous room for three hours only to have your name read out by an illiterate clerk telling you it is okay to go home, the case was settled. What a waste of time. Of course the case was settled. That's what lawsuits are about these days. I suppose on some level I am supposed to be glad that the parties settled their differences. But at the same time, I have a feeling they never intended to go through with the lawsuit. They used the legal system as a threat. And then it came down to the wire. Someone blinked. And for their charade, I had to spend my afternoon in the basement of 400 McAllister. At least I had a good book to read (The Namesake by Jhumpa Lahiri).

I certainly didn't expect to think about him this much. It used to be that I would see him and then I would think about him a lot...for a few days. Then it was back to normal...And I didn't really think of him much until I saw him again. And perhaps that's what is going on right now. I did just see him on Wednesday night. And so it's been a few days and I am still thinking about him...Maybe it will wear off like it usually does. But I don't know. I am afraid that it won't. Because we, you know, we kissed. And as much as I thought (and even said) that kissing wouldn't be a big deal...doesn't have to mean anything...I am not sure that's actually true. Sure, when I was 24 it was true. It might have even been true when A___ and I first broke up and I was "sowing my wild oats" so to speak. But I don't know if it's true anymore. Oy.

==========

I cannot believe (p)Resident Bush is spending today, Labor Day, with union workers. As though he has done anything to help working men and women. Who is he kidding? The only working people he has taken care of are the ones in the executive offices...And the lobbyists who work hard for his special interests...I have faith that Americans are smarter than this...He didn't win the first time but the courts appointed him. Hopefully the American people will see that it's crucial that he lose by a wider margin. So there can be no interpretation of our outright rejection of his policies and his politics.

It's not that I hate George Bush...that would certainly require more energy than I can devote to him right now. I would rather spend my juju loving and admiring a candidate who speaks for me and to me than hating him. But he does make me angry. Not so much because I disagree with him on most issues...and I do. But really it's because he is a liar. He lies stright to my face about things that are important. Some will say that Clinton was a liar, too. And I guess he was. He lied about having an affair with a 24 year old. I can't blame him for lying but it was bad and I felt betrayed by it for sure. And certainly I do not expect politicians to tell the truth all the time. They are, after all, people and nobody is 100% honest all the time, so politicians are no exception. But Bush...he lies and then lies about lying. And it's not about blowjobs and cigars. It's about war. And weapons of mass destruction. It's about educational opportunities and voting rights. It's about things that matter to the rest of us.

Sometimes it is best to leave things out of the blog. I am still learning the boundaries with this device. But some things, I just know, do not belong. I think I have crossed proper boundaries before and I am trying not to do so again, ever mindful of sharing too much or, worse, boring the person who reads this with the intimate details of my life.

I did have a good night last night, though. A pleasant surprise of a Wednesday evening. Good times with an old friend. Random. But really fun.

There is so much to say, where do I begin?

I want to capture everything about Lance's Ironman day. But I cannot do that because it was not my race. I only saw it from the outside and so to try to put into words what the day was like for will certainly not do it justice - and the last thing I want to do is make Lance's race about me. I can only continue to marvel at the depth to which Lance was able to dig to in order to pull out a finish.

I will say that it was nice to go away for the weekend. Far away. And to be able to watch and support the several thousand men and women trying to complete Ironman was a privilege all its own. Ironman is raw...sure there are other endeavors that are raw, too. But Ironman is the one I can relate to these days. And going there this weekend truly inspired me to tackle the challenge again. To test myself...to access those parts of me that I see most clearly in the thick of the challenge. To learn about who I am, to stretch my limits, to forgive myself, to learn patience.

============

I think my GMAT prep teacher is kind of cute. I don't know what it is about a funny, smart guy that gets me everytime! I am a sucker for a brain and a sense of humor...too bad I am GMAT challenged...no way to transform that teacher/student relationship into something else...

What an amazing weekend. Lance finished Ironman...I get the chills thinking about it. Finally, the 5th of the "Fab Five" got to do his race. And he did it in style...he was the celebrity of the day out there. I wouldn't have missed it for the world. I am so impressed with him for perservering and getting to the finish line...He was an Ironman two years in the making...He already had it when he got there, but he wanted the medal to close the chapter. And he got it. And it was one of the most amazing things I was ever witness to. Those last two and a half miles to the finish, when we were all together, were so intense and so gratifying. I have never personally witnessed a person "dig deep" the way I did on Sunday.

I want to write a lot more about it... but my throat and lungs are sore from the weekend...the 18 mile run and the 18 hour day would have been enough. But then all of Kelowna and the areas surrounding Penticton had to go and burn down...so it feels like I have a touch of the black lung. Time for bed...

Lance...amazing. Truly amazing.