Tuesday, November 11, 2003
Sunday, November 09, 2003
One of the essays on the Berkeley application asks who, past or present, would you have dinner with if you could...and why? For the essay I am constrained to only invite one individual. But if I could truly invite anyone to a dinner party, past or present, I think I would invite myself.
I would invite six year old Marcy, the Marcy before her parents' divorce, to dinner. I want to know what it feels like to live in that house...do her parents fight a lot? Does she get to spend any time with her dad? What do she and Grandma do all day while they are hanging out? What is it like at school?
I would also invite ten year old Marcy..the Marcy who was so misbehaved her mom sent her to a child psychologist. Marcy who shared a room with her older sister. Marcy who got into fights at school. Marcy who stole money from her mother, bought cigarettes at "The Shop" and smoked them behind her building with other kids from school. What was she so pissed off about?
I would invite 13 year old Marcy...this is the Marcy that Donna M_____ threw a penny at and said, "Go home you big nosed Jew." The Marcy that held a protest in social studies because her teacher, Ms. Lenard, changed her seat. Marcy who had her first kisses with Josh Weissbard and David Yavneh. Marcy who decided to stop talking to her Dad. I would ask her if she remembers when she started to hate her body. I wonder if she is mad at her dad? How about her mom? And what does she think of her stepfather, Alan?
I would invite 16 year old Marcy...right after her nose job (see 13 y.o. Marcy!), right before her first serious boyfriend. In my memory she is confident Marcy...lots of good friends, ready to head off to college, meeting boys, falling in love, experimenting with sex. I want to ask her how she does it. How is she so brave, so willing to open up to new people? How did she let herself fall in love with Damian and him with her? How does she manage not to care what anyone else thinks of her?
Assuming there is still room at the table, I would invite 21 year old Marcy, the recent college graduate...This is the career-driven Marcy. The one who loved politics, believed in the power of liberal ideas and moved to Washington, DC, leaving her boyfriend behind, wanting to change the world. The Marcy who worked two jobs for eight months in order to pursue her career but also make extra money and meet new people. The Marcy who started to discover that politics in Washington, DC and politics everywhere else are vastly different. The Marcy who had the boss that was verbally abusive. The Marcy who watched her grandmother give up the fight when her cancer returned. This is also the Marcy who developed an anxiety disorder. I don't know that I have anything to ask her. But I would like to give her a hug.
I would invite 25 year old Marcy. The one who finally liked her job and her friends. The Marcy who met and fell in love with A___. She had been single for three years, dating here and there but nothing special. I want to ask her how she got through it and how, when she met A____, was she able to set aside her pain and her fears about relationships and let him see her, warts and all?
The last seat at the table, besides today's version of me, would be reserved for 29 year old Marcy. The Marcy closest in age to me today, she seems worlds away. She is the one who took chances by quitting her job at Levi's after only four months. She did Ironman. She let herself be vulnerable, let her friends pamper her and support her as she healed from her breakup. She tried online dating. She messed up a few potentially rewarding relationships...but she had fun meeting new kinds of men. She made several new, very special friends. I want her at the dinner so I can bask in the glow that surrounds her and see if I can remember how to find that confidence, that enthusiasm, that vulnerability, that self-acceptance in me now.
If only....
I would invite six year old Marcy, the Marcy before her parents' divorce, to dinner. I want to know what it feels like to live in that house...do her parents fight a lot? Does she get to spend any time with her dad? What do she and Grandma do all day while they are hanging out? What is it like at school?
I would also invite ten year old Marcy..the Marcy who was so misbehaved her mom sent her to a child psychologist. Marcy who shared a room with her older sister. Marcy who got into fights at school. Marcy who stole money from her mother, bought cigarettes at "The Shop" and smoked them behind her building with other kids from school. What was she so pissed off about?
I would invite 13 year old Marcy...this is the Marcy that Donna M_____ threw a penny at and said, "Go home you big nosed Jew." The Marcy that held a protest in social studies because her teacher, Ms. Lenard, changed her seat. Marcy who had her first kisses with Josh Weissbard and David Yavneh. Marcy who decided to stop talking to her Dad. I would ask her if she remembers when she started to hate her body. I wonder if she is mad at her dad? How about her mom? And what does she think of her stepfather, Alan?
I would invite 16 year old Marcy...right after her nose job (see 13 y.o. Marcy!), right before her first serious boyfriend. In my memory she is confident Marcy...lots of good friends, ready to head off to college, meeting boys, falling in love, experimenting with sex. I want to ask her how she does it. How is she so brave, so willing to open up to new people? How did she let herself fall in love with Damian and him with her? How does she manage not to care what anyone else thinks of her?
Assuming there is still room at the table, I would invite 21 year old Marcy, the recent college graduate...This is the career-driven Marcy. The one who loved politics, believed in the power of liberal ideas and moved to Washington, DC, leaving her boyfriend behind, wanting to change the world. The Marcy who worked two jobs for eight months in order to pursue her career but also make extra money and meet new people. The Marcy who started to discover that politics in Washington, DC and politics everywhere else are vastly different. The Marcy who had the boss that was verbally abusive. The Marcy who watched her grandmother give up the fight when her cancer returned. This is also the Marcy who developed an anxiety disorder. I don't know that I have anything to ask her. But I would like to give her a hug.
I would invite 25 year old Marcy. The one who finally liked her job and her friends. The Marcy who met and fell in love with A___. She had been single for three years, dating here and there but nothing special. I want to ask her how she got through it and how, when she met A____, was she able to set aside her pain and her fears about relationships and let him see her, warts and all?
The last seat at the table, besides today's version of me, would be reserved for 29 year old Marcy. The Marcy closest in age to me today, she seems worlds away. She is the one who took chances by quitting her job at Levi's after only four months. She did Ironman. She let herself be vulnerable, let her friends pamper her and support her as she healed from her breakup. She tried online dating. She messed up a few potentially rewarding relationships...but she had fun meeting new kinds of men. She made several new, very special friends. I want her at the dinner so I can bask in the glow that surrounds her and see if I can remember how to find that confidence, that enthusiasm, that vulnerability, that self-acceptance in me now.
If only....