But there is this to add.
Who knew he would turn out to be an uncommunicative p***y like so many other men I have known? I had no idea. I don't know why I still think about him all the time...I don't know why I leave open the possibility that he will call, that he will want to talk, that he will want to...I don't know what. But the truth is, seeing this side of him, this side that doesn't know how to confront difficult feelings or issues, makes him less attractive to me. Why do people find it so hard to show up? I mean, don't get me wrong, even the most enlightened people can't show up all the time. I certainly find it hard to show up all the time (and I am far from enlightened). Sometimes it's exhausting and I just want to shut off. But, I do try to at least feel, acknowledge what I feel and somehow live it out. Is it so much to ask that the other people I share my time with do the same, at least some of the time? Perhaps it is. We don't exactly live in a world of self-awareness.
Friday, October 31, 2003
It's almost election day. I am still not sure who I will vote for in the Mayor's race. Probably Angela Alioto. I mean, I think I will end up voting for Gavin Newsom (or Gabbin' Nuisance, as Buzzie likes to call him) in the run-off, but I would like it to be a race between him and Angela, because I think she will force some important issues to be discussed. As it stands now, there is so much noise with all the candidates, and all that's really being talked about is who is more liberal than the next guy and how fucked we are going to be without real leadership, a la Willie Brown. So I think an Angela/Gavin runoff would be good to get the candidates talking about real issues...because she is a straight talker and she will call him on his yuppy bullshit...and I know he is a good liberal pragmatist at heart, so I know he will be able to answer her. But if the uber-liberals keep at it, they make themselves, and not the issues, the story and Gavin will never have to answer any truly difficult questions. Anyway, I will vote for her to make sure she gets into the runoff. It's pretty cool that I get to do that, you know. Of course there is a risk...Neither of them might make it to the run-off. Then what?
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I have really been having the writing itch lately. But not this Blog writing...I am sort of over it, to tell the truth. I have been feeling very introspective about my place in the world, the place my life sits right now and the next steps for me. Spending the weekend in DC, the city where I started my career and developed a lot of my dreams, as well as suffering through a dig-deep marathon day, helped stir some of these feelings up, too. But until I finish these applications, I cannot indulge my writing fancies too much. I want to get these essays completed and behind me and then I can move on to the next phase.
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I have really been having the writing itch lately. But not this Blog writing...I am sort of over it, to tell the truth. I have been feeling very introspective about my place in the world, the place my life sits right now and the next steps for me. Spending the weekend in DC, the city where I started my career and developed a lot of my dreams, as well as suffering through a dig-deep marathon day, helped stir some of these feelings up, too. But until I finish these applications, I cannot indulge my writing fancies too much. I want to get these essays completed and behind me and then I can move on to the next phase.
Wednesday, October 29, 2003
George Bush's press conference yesterday was, in a word, appalling. I listened to most of it on the radio and found him to sound bored and arrogant...like there was some place else he would rather be than talking to the American people. But that wasn't the worst part. The worst part was his LAME attempt at humor when taking reporters' questions...he didn't sound funny, he sounded mean.
He has got to go.
He has got to go.
Tuesday, October 28, 2003
I now know what it means to be sick as a dog...Well, at least today I feel like I can honestly say I am sick as a dog. I feel like utter shit. My nose is completely stuffed up, I have about three cold sores around my mouth (to make up for the three years of none, I suppose), my quads are still incredibly sore from the marathon this weekend and I am simultaneously sweaty and cold. A fitting finale to this past week.
I did the Marine Corps Marathon on Sunday. I can't say I enjoyed any of it, to tell the truth. I tried to have fun...I even hooted and hollered whenever we entered a tunnel, I highfived the marines on the side of the road, I smiled at people calling out to me, "GO MARCY!" But for some reason my heart just wasn't in it. I think it's because I woke up that morning totally shvitzing, as my people say, and never quite got comfortable. Then, the fact that there was no water until approximately mile 2.5...and the water station was so crowded that I couldn't even get in there to get any. So I was stuck with no water until the next stop around mile 4.5...So I was in a deficit early on and was kind of annoyed, worried about how it would manifest in the later miles. Let me say, I sure did find out!
I do need to recognize that I should have carried my own water with me...Lesson learned for sure. When I wanted to take my first Clif Shot, around mile 7.5 or so, I had to leave the sweet, syrupy flavor in my mouth until around mile 9 when the next water station was available. No water from miles 6 - 9. What kind of race organization is that, anyway? (I found out later that the race organizers were worried about people over-hydrating so they made less water available. Brilliant...instead they underhydrated us, in the 90% humidity!, and treated more people in med tents on the course than in the race's 28 year history.) Anyway, things were great until about mile 16 when I suddenly had to pee really badly and couldn't get over to the side of the road soon enough! I peed on myself a bit before ducking behind a tree next to some government building (across from the HHS building) and went to the bathroom. After that I picked back up but started to feel a little woozy...I really needed something to perk me up but the idea of a Clif Shot made me, well, a little ill. So, I busted out some Sharkies, thinking I probably needed some electrolyte replacement (I was so sweaty my fingertips were pruning like they do when I spend too much time in the bath). I walked a bit and then started running again, feeling better. Then I got around mile 18+ and was suddenly more miserable than I had been all day. My left quad totally stopped operating. I felt like I could barely run anymore. I wondered how much of it was in my head - was I just talking myself out of this marathon because it wasn't fun? I tried to push through...walked every now and again but tried to keep it to a minimum. If I kept it up, I wouldn't make my 4:15 goal but I could potentially make 4:20, still a PR. Then I saw Mark and I tried to smile for his camera...I was happy to see him but really wanted to just keep moving forward. I wanted to see mile 21 - I had seen it earlier on the start of this loop I was on and was really looking forward to gettin there because I knew I would be almost finished. Once I got to mile 20, I tried to psyche myself up by visualizing my 6.2 mile Presidio Loop...my autopilot run. And it worked a little because I did end up climbing a hill pretty similar to the Presidio Hill and I felt right at home. But at this point, I was walking more than I was running. I got onto the 14th Street bridge...a LONG LONG lonely bridge...I tried to just keep moving forward and telling myself that there really will be a finish line, though I was starting to doubt even that! Then, the miles just ticked themselves off and I gave up on making any particular time across the finish line. I just wanted to get there without puking, without stopping, without quitting. I hoped I could do it within 5 hours but I wasn't sure and I wasn't putting any pressure on myself to do so.
Finally, I knew I was near the end because I heard the music and the crowds started to get bigger and bigger. I was able to pick it up a bit towards the very end...around mile 25.5 or so. I had a sense that I would be able to finish before 4:40...so I went for it. And I did. Barely. 4:38:52. Oy.
I did have a nice time in DC, though. Mokypa and Mort were awesome hosts...they treated me as if I was one of their kids! Their home was comfortable and they were great to hang out with and spend time. It was great to see Amanda, a total trip to see Ryan. I wish I had gotten to see Kevin but for whatever reason we were unable to hook it up.
Well, I am sure this is all incoherent...I am sweating my ass off here in San Francisco, another severe change in weather that has certainly added to my ill health.
I did the Marine Corps Marathon on Sunday. I can't say I enjoyed any of it, to tell the truth. I tried to have fun...I even hooted and hollered whenever we entered a tunnel, I highfived the marines on the side of the road, I smiled at people calling out to me, "GO MARCY!" But for some reason my heart just wasn't in it. I think it's because I woke up that morning totally shvitzing, as my people say, and never quite got comfortable. Then, the fact that there was no water until approximately mile 2.5...and the water station was so crowded that I couldn't even get in there to get any. So I was stuck with no water until the next stop around mile 4.5...So I was in a deficit early on and was kind of annoyed, worried about how it would manifest in the later miles. Let me say, I sure did find out!
I do need to recognize that I should have carried my own water with me...Lesson learned for sure. When I wanted to take my first Clif Shot, around mile 7.5 or so, I had to leave the sweet, syrupy flavor in my mouth until around mile 9 when the next water station was available. No water from miles 6 - 9. What kind of race organization is that, anyway? (I found out later that the race organizers were worried about people over-hydrating so they made less water available. Brilliant...instead they underhydrated us, in the 90% humidity!, and treated more people in med tents on the course than in the race's 28 year history.) Anyway, things were great until about mile 16 when I suddenly had to pee really badly and couldn't get over to the side of the road soon enough! I peed on myself a bit before ducking behind a tree next to some government building (across from the HHS building) and went to the bathroom. After that I picked back up but started to feel a little woozy...I really needed something to perk me up but the idea of a Clif Shot made me, well, a little ill. So, I busted out some Sharkies, thinking I probably needed some electrolyte replacement (I was so sweaty my fingertips were pruning like they do when I spend too much time in the bath). I walked a bit and then started running again, feeling better. Then I got around mile 18+ and was suddenly more miserable than I had been all day. My left quad totally stopped operating. I felt like I could barely run anymore. I wondered how much of it was in my head - was I just talking myself out of this marathon because it wasn't fun? I tried to push through...walked every now and again but tried to keep it to a minimum. If I kept it up, I wouldn't make my 4:15 goal but I could potentially make 4:20, still a PR. Then I saw Mark and I tried to smile for his camera...I was happy to see him but really wanted to just keep moving forward. I wanted to see mile 21 - I had seen it earlier on the start of this loop I was on and was really looking forward to gettin there because I knew I would be almost finished. Once I got to mile 20, I tried to psyche myself up by visualizing my 6.2 mile Presidio Loop...my autopilot run. And it worked a little because I did end up climbing a hill pretty similar to the Presidio Hill and I felt right at home. But at this point, I was walking more than I was running. I got onto the 14th Street bridge...a LONG LONG lonely bridge...I tried to just keep moving forward and telling myself that there really will be a finish line, though I was starting to doubt even that! Then, the miles just ticked themselves off and I gave up on making any particular time across the finish line. I just wanted to get there without puking, without stopping, without quitting. I hoped I could do it within 5 hours but I wasn't sure and I wasn't putting any pressure on myself to do so.
Finally, I knew I was near the end because I heard the music and the crowds started to get bigger and bigger. I was able to pick it up a bit towards the very end...around mile 25.5 or so. I had a sense that I would be able to finish before 4:40...so I went for it. And I did. Barely. 4:38:52. Oy.
I did have a nice time in DC, though. Mokypa and Mort were awesome hosts...they treated me as if I was one of their kids! Their home was comfortable and they were great to hang out with and spend time. It was great to see Amanda, a total trip to see Ryan. I wish I had gotten to see Kevin but for whatever reason we were unable to hook it up.
Well, I am sure this is all incoherent...I am sweating my ass off here in San Francisco, another severe change in weather that has certainly added to my ill health.