Friday, January 16, 2004
Sunday, January 11, 2004
It's so strange how you can feel sooooo sick - sick to the point where you are convinced you have some death-causing disease, where you can't imagine ever feeling good again, ever. And then a few days later, while you are not feeling 100 percent better, you are feeling, sounding and looking like an entirely different human being...one that is very much alive. That was me...sure I was hovering near death on Friday...today I actually took a shower (first one since Thursday). Okay, so I kind of had a date with BB (not sure if it was an actual date...we went to the movies, he paid and we kissed goodbye (on the lips)...we shall see). But more on that later. Yesterday, Taylor collected me early in the morning and took care of me all day long! She was like my little nurse. She made me breakfast and then taught me how to knit. We sat on her couch knitting, chatting and laughing for hours. She made me lunch, too. Then later, she got me some applesauce as a treat and then drove me home! So today I felt ready to actually leave the house and spend time someplace other than on a couch (though the seats in the theater are somewhat couch-like). So I went to the movies. With BB.
He called me yesterday. I was surprised to hear from him. I was in the middle of knitting a row and Taylor answered my phone for me. We didn't recognize the number (I don't have him programmed in...that's the first rule of moving on, by the way...taking the number out of the phone) so she picked it up and it was him. I told him I would call him when I got home later that night...he, like me, has been sick and so was laying low for the evening. We got on the phone at 8:30pm or so and didn't hang up for two hours. TWO HOURS. What the hell did we talk about? I guess we talked about a bunch of different things. Like, his mom's name is Judy and his dad's name is Freddy (Dr. Freddy). His best friend is Mike, but a lot of his best friends are back in Miami. He played guitar for me a little bit. I played him my favorite song on CD (Motherland by Natalie Merchant). It was kind of like I was in high school...it was a nice chat, though. We talked about "the situation." You know, what happened (or what didn't happen) between us. Him not calling. Why did he call now...etc. It was good, I guess. And then we decided to go to the movies today.
I had no expectation we would actually go to the movies. I was supposed to call him this morning when I woke up. I called him around 10:30 and his phone was off...it went straight to voicemail so I left a short message saying, "Call me if you still want to go to the movies." And I prepared to not hear from him. Then he called a few minutes later and said he definitely (his word, not mine) still wanted to go...we picked an approximate movie time and he said he would call me after breakfast with Tony. I futzed around the apartment, made some calls. Talked to Vaness and told her the update. I also told her I had no expectation that I would hear from him. But then he called. And he had gotten the paper and so we picked a movie (Something's Gotta Give) and he came and picked me up and we went.
It was nice. The movie was good. I cried because I am a sentimental wimp! The main character reminded me of my mom a little bit...I remember when my mom met that ASSHOLE Branch and she fell in love and he totally broke her heart. I asked her if she regretted it and she said no way...that loving like that made her feel so alive and that she only felt that pain because she got to feel that kind of love. Anyway, Diane Keaton's character says something similar in the movie...So, I cried...because I am a sucker for a love story, what can I say? After the movie he took me to get some food (my applesauce diet is no longer sufficient now that I am feeling well enough to chew!) and then took me home. Said he would call. I am not expecting him to.
I am a little bit saddened by the fact that I can't feel excited or hopeful about this turn of events. But I had a bit of a revelation...I realized that any relationship I have moving forward will be filled with this kind of skepticism, this lack of trust. At least in the beginning. And if it moves forward, slowly the skepticism is replaced by proof. It sounds so dry...lacking in romance...so calculated. But it's true. And I think knowing this...accepting this...that's kind of big for me. I am about ready to let go of the fairy tale. I can't believe it has taken me this long to realize I was holding onto it. I think I wanted something I could collapse into. Something where I would trust right away. And so would he. And we would be mad for each other in about five minutes. And that would be that. But I realized today that it's okay if it doesn't happen that way. In fact, it's probably not going to happen that way. And that's okay. Because I want to start something with my eyes open. With my head and my heart engaged. And so if I start out a little skeptical, like I am right now with BB, it's okay. And then each time he calls when he says he will, shows up when he says he will, keeps his word and shows me he likes me (whether it's BB or any other guy I meet)...well, I can be a little less skeptical. Until eventually, God willing, I learn to trust and be trusted. Love and be loved. HALLELUJAH. I think this was a big revelation.
He called me yesterday. I was surprised to hear from him. I was in the middle of knitting a row and Taylor answered my phone for me. We didn't recognize the number (I don't have him programmed in...that's the first rule of moving on, by the way...taking the number out of the phone) so she picked it up and it was him. I told him I would call him when I got home later that night...he, like me, has been sick and so was laying low for the evening. We got on the phone at 8:30pm or so and didn't hang up for two hours. TWO HOURS. What the hell did we talk about? I guess we talked about a bunch of different things. Like, his mom's name is Judy and his dad's name is Freddy (Dr. Freddy). His best friend is Mike, but a lot of his best friends are back in Miami. He played guitar for me a little bit. I played him my favorite song on CD (Motherland by Natalie Merchant). It was kind of like I was in high school...it was a nice chat, though. We talked about "the situation." You know, what happened (or what didn't happen) between us. Him not calling. Why did he call now...etc. It was good, I guess. And then we decided to go to the movies today.
I had no expectation we would actually go to the movies. I was supposed to call him this morning when I woke up. I called him around 10:30 and his phone was off...it went straight to voicemail so I left a short message saying, "Call me if you still want to go to the movies." And I prepared to not hear from him. Then he called a few minutes later and said he definitely (his word, not mine) still wanted to go...we picked an approximate movie time and he said he would call me after breakfast with Tony. I futzed around the apartment, made some calls. Talked to Vaness and told her the update. I also told her I had no expectation that I would hear from him. But then he called. And he had gotten the paper and so we picked a movie (Something's Gotta Give) and he came and picked me up and we went.
It was nice. The movie was good. I cried because I am a sentimental wimp! The main character reminded me of my mom a little bit...I remember when my mom met that ASSHOLE Branch and she fell in love and he totally broke her heart. I asked her if she regretted it and she said no way...that loving like that made her feel so alive and that she only felt that pain because she got to feel that kind of love. Anyway, Diane Keaton's character says something similar in the movie...So, I cried...because I am a sucker for a love story, what can I say? After the movie he took me to get some food (my applesauce diet is no longer sufficient now that I am feeling well enough to chew!) and then took me home. Said he would call. I am not expecting him to.
I am a little bit saddened by the fact that I can't feel excited or hopeful about this turn of events. But I had a bit of a revelation...I realized that any relationship I have moving forward will be filled with this kind of skepticism, this lack of trust. At least in the beginning. And if it moves forward, slowly the skepticism is replaced by proof. It sounds so dry...lacking in romance...so calculated. But it's true. And I think knowing this...accepting this...that's kind of big for me. I am about ready to let go of the fairy tale. I can't believe it has taken me this long to realize I was holding onto it. I think I wanted something I could collapse into. Something where I would trust right away. And so would he. And we would be mad for each other in about five minutes. And that would be that. But I realized today that it's okay if it doesn't happen that way. In fact, it's probably not going to happen that way. And that's okay. Because I want to start something with my eyes open. With my head and my heart engaged. And so if I start out a little skeptical, like I am right now with BB, it's okay. And then each time he calls when he says he will, shows up when he says he will, keeps his word and shows me he likes me (whether it's BB or any other guy I meet)...well, I can be a little less skeptical. Until eventually, God willing, I learn to trust and be trusted. Love and be loved. HALLELUJAH. I think this was a big revelation.