And, I am off to DC for the marathon...I haven't been back since I left in 1995...for so many reasons I left that place and never once looked over my shoulder. I wonder what it will be like to be there...living in DC was seriously one of the least happy times in my life. I hope the memories that come back are good ones.

And I hope I am able to come up with a clever slogan to wear on my running shirt during the marathon. God forbid people think my red white and blue outfit means I am a Patriot as definied by the Bush Administration.

I am getting excited for the Presidential campaign to really heat up! Twelve years ago (12 years!) I was looking forward to primary season...it was a little different being on the East Coast and road tripping to New Hampshire to volunteer for Bob Kerry (my first choice candidate)...and then, of course, being so active in the College Democrats and then working for the Massachusetts Democratic Party. I was at the center of the action! And then, I was graciously given the most amazing opportunity and experience, hired as the Massachusetts student coordinator for Clinton Gore/Victor 92...so of course this time around it will be a bit different. But somehow, I suspect I will be no less emotionally involved. In fact, I have a hunch I may be even more personally connected this time around. Because at this point, age 31, I know how crucial this is. In 1991/1992, when I was 19/20 years old, getting ready to graduate college, facing my adult life and my college loans, thinking about what kind of world I wanted to help create, all I wanted was a President that reflected my values and stood for the same kinds of things I stood for. That's why I was/am a Democrat, and have been for as long as I can remember (okay, when I was in fifth grade I had a brief moment where I tried to campaign at school for Lew Lehrman to be Governor of New York against Mario Cuomo because I believed so strongly in the death penalty; and in 7th grade I debated Beth Goldstein at a school assembly over the abortion issue - and I argued the anti-choice side! Clearly things changed - dramatically). But now, I am 31...I still want a President that reflects my values and stands for what I do. But I am not looking to change the world like I was when I got swept up in the Clinton Gore movement. Instead, I am looking to make sure there still is a world in generations to come.

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Why is it that some people (not me) are more cut out for corporate America than other people (me)? It's the part of me that is like my dad. The part that is creative and thinks big; but also the part that doesn't like authority or rules. Why, after seven years, have I still not managed to fit into this environment?

My friend Peter has a mantra that goes something like this, "Don't do anything just yet. The right thing to do will become obvious. Until then, just keep going with the flow." He has said it to me many times in the past. Times when I was thinking about breaking up with A___ (I did) or trying to figure out how/if to date Broadway (ouch) or toying with quitting my job at Levi's after only a few short months (I did)...It seems like such obvious advice. But it is also quite useful. I often use it on myself when I don't know what to do in a situation. It helps me to stop and take a breath before I dive head first into a decision. Maybe that's wimpy of me, but I actually think it saves me from taking steps I may later regret. Every day for the past week or so I have been reminding myself of this notion...to not do anything until the right thing to do becomes obvious. Of course, it's about a boy. I wish those things could be more cut and dried...that the right thing to do would be easy to determine. Alas, I am not so lucky. So I wait for the right thing to become obvious. And until then I try to be patient. Of course I take small steps, steps that seem at once right and crucial for sanity-preservation, while also seeming immature - like deleting him from my instant messenger or from my cell phone.

Will dealing with the opposite sex always seem like a repeat of high school, only older, with higher stakes?

What a great few days I have had...dinner last night was nothing but laughs (much needed after that heavy movie, Mystic River (which, incidentally, was beautifully acted and directed) and dinner tonight with one of my favorite husband and wife pairs was fabulous. They gave me a lot to think about as far as what I am passionate about and what is important to me. I am so grateful for friends like these.


On another note, sometimes I do not look people in the eye. It is something I have started to notice lately...and I don't like it. Usually it's people like the counterperson at a deli or the cashier at my lunch place. It's terrible and I don't know where it comes from but I have been making a concerted effort to stop it. I wonder how much better a community it could be if we were all able to look each other in the eye.

I am not feeling inspired. These business school applications are a bitch. About what am I most passionate? What is most important to me in the world? How am I supposed to answer those questions in 800 words? Especially after the whole rigarmarole with entering your undergraduate grades (which, by the way, is incredibly depressing...I mean, I knew I was doing poorly in school while I was there but I guess I didn't realize how poorly. And now that I see the grades, in hindsight, I think about how much I wasted by not paying more attention to the books and less attention to the boys!).

Even harder than writing the essays, I think, will be having other people read them. I mean, they are so personal and I will be looking for critiques...I am not sure I trust anyone enough to have them read and offer their perspective on these essays. Yet I have to do it. I am hoping that this blogwriting, knowing that I write really personal things and people read it and probably think some (or all of it) sucks and they see the typos and all that...I am hoping that it helps to make the essay-sharing a bit easier.