Thursday, June 12, 2003

Why is it that I am capable of having a deep well of compassion for people I have never met - the plights of os many underserved and underprivileged people around the globe...but sometimes I cannot even find it in myself to have the most basic compassion for people closest to me?

I love my mother with so much of me that sometimes, being around her exhausts me. So much of me is loving her and wanting what is best for her and fighting my instincts to reach out and save her...it tires me out. But then she goes and shows me that she doesn't need saving...I just don't give her enough credit sometimes. I hate that. But I love that she really is okay.

I do feel like my battery has been re-charged. Like I am filling up with momma-love until next time I see her. It is such a good feeling to receive such unbridled love, from her and from grandpa...to know, to feel it in my body, that they love me. I will forever be grateful for that. No matter how nuts they make me!

Monday, June 09, 2003

If I could just find the time to write it all down...It's all building up inside of me but between work, Alcatraz training (and doing) and now family visiting, I simply have not had (or, really, made) the time.

I did the Escape from Alcatraz Triathlon this weekend. Holy shit. What an event. I have NEVER had so much fun doing a triathlon! Now, Ironman...well, that was a whole different ballgame. That doesn't count. But as far as triathlons go, half ironman, Olympic distance, sprints, relays...this was THE MOST FUN! I am so glad I did it! I thought I had lost my tri-vibe. I hadn't been into it all season long. All the training felt burdensome. I was feeling quite burnt out. The race I did in April wasn't fun...Much as I loved the finish line, the race itself was no fun. Wildflower, well, I didn't even do the whole thing. And what I did do was fine...but I would not say it was fun. So I really was not looking forward to Alcatraz being fun. I knew it would be a challenge. I thought it would be very hard and I was especially scared of the swim - it's legendary in these parts! And I know the bike is short - just 18 miles - but everytime I have done the route, it's been quite a difficult 18 miles. And that run! * miles of either up or down...lots of up, including that sand ladder. And the running on the beach...So I knew it would be hard. And I expected that when I finished the finish line would feel great. And that would be fun.

But never did I expect to have fun throughout the day! Okay, I did not really like the swim too much. At one point, per A___'s advice, I forced a giggle. She said I would giggle, and it wasn't happening naturally, so I made myself. Truth is, I was scared. But at the same time, I kept reminding myself that I was, after all, swimming from Alcatraz to the St. Francis Yacht Club. Sure, there were huge swells in the water (so much so that the pros swam a good 5 - 10 minutes slower than usual), and I was disoriented the entier time...But...I was swimming from Alcatraz and doing a triathlon right in my own backyard. So I giggled...and I had to relish the moment (all 50 of them, actually, because that's how long it took me to swim to shore...and another 3 minutes or so to get out of the water and up to the transition area!

The moment I emerged from the water I heard the Monkey screaming my name and then I saw Mer and then mom. Then, a sure cure for sore eyes, R____ S____.

The run from the swim to the transition area so I could grab my bike was awesome! People everywhere screaming my name...I couldn't turn my head fast enough to hear it all! I had a huge grin on my face the whole way. When I got to transition, there was Rocky, getting ready to head out on her bike. And then in came L_____. FUN! We all jumped off the boat together - a surreal experience - and now we were all safe on shore together again!

I headed out on the bike in a flash. It was so fun to ride down Marina Blvd into the Presidio, the ride I always do, and have crowds of people screaming and cheering. I rode moderately. There are so many hills on that course and I didn't want to kill my legs on the first one! The ride was great. The weather sucked but I wasn't cold at all. Riding past Robin Williams house I was so hoping to see him out there. But he wasn't here this year! I guess I wouldn't be either with the weather we were having! Up the Legion of Honor hill was not as bad as it usually is on a regular workout day. It was fun to get to the water stop at the top and see people I knew. Of course, I couldn't remember anyone's name fo some reason yesterday...but it was fun to see people nonetheless!

When I got into Golden Gate Park, K____ came up behind me. I was surprised to see him there! He is a much faster swimmer than I am...but then again, that swim was insane and anything and everything happened out there...It was so awesome to ride with him for a little bit. I think we were together for about two miles. We kibbitzed about the swim and chatted about what was ahead. Then he rode off into the fog...Up some more hills and all of a sudden, I was headed back to the transition...this bike ride was over! Then I remembered...I hadn't done a triathlon with a bike ride under 56 miles since the year 2000! So this ride - 18 miles - was over before I knew it!

The run...what can I say now about the run? I had a blast. I headed out on the run and saw FBFCP and K___ S___ and that crew of boys. They were cheering wildly for me and then I heard K____ say, "Come on Marcy...pick it up!" I had to laugh! The Monkey met me at the entrance to Crissy Field and we ran together for about a mile and a half. Then I stopped in the bathroom before starting the really hard part of the run. Ran into T____ in there. She wasn't feeling well, which sucked for her, but I was glad to see her! I kept running, smiling the whole way, running into people as they headed towards the finish (while I was just getting started!)! Then I was on the beach...running along the surf, trying to stay away from the water so my shoes wouldn't get too wet. And I had to laugh. What a gorgeous city this is! I can't believe I get to live here! And then I get to do a race here! How lucky am I!?

As I headed back to the finish I saw Rocky on the beach and gave her a big hug. I headed up that ridiculous sand ladder and smiled when I got to the top and there was great music pumping and two volunteers cheering. Then I ran it home. I picked up the Monkey again at the bottom of the stairs and we headed to the finish. I saw K___ up ahead and eventually caught up to him. After vomiting twice on the swim, he wasn't feeling too good and so he was walking. I convinced him to run in with me and we did for a few minutes. But he wasn't feeling well enough so he had to walk again. I kicked it in and headed for that line! Saw Mom, Grandpa, Gail, Mer...Mer tried to run alongside me and she was making me laugh. And then next thing I know I am on the grass headed for the finish! I heard my name - the same voice, the same friggin voice as the one who announced me across the line at Ironman! - and I was thrilled. All day long, I had so much fun! Never stopped smiling. Never stopped being grateful for the use of my body in this way. For the ability to live well in this city and to be surrounded by friends who "get it." For my family being there.

I loved it. I want to do it again and again. Every chance I get, I want to try to do that race. I can't believe I never wanted to do it before. But you know, I learned with Ironman...never say never.

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Tonight I met mommy's friend from high school. C_____. She lives in Mendocino. She is so cool. Funny how I am so attracted to women of this age! She reminded me of Mokypa...she is so down to earth and smart. She is independent, even within her marriage. She is aware. She is conscious. She is active in her community. I really connected with her! And I can't wait to go visit. I must find a weekend this summer to get up there!

There is so much more to say...about so many things. The Bush administration and its Weapons of Mass Deception...boys boys and more boys...the one who got away who still lingers!...my familiy....friends - old, new, forgotten and no longer. I could go on and on.

But tonight, I am too tired. So, until next time.