It's probably a pretty bad idea to be blogging at work. After all, I should be working, shouldn't I? But it's lunch time and I have a conference call in half an hour and I have this urge to write a bit so I figured it's important to go with that urge (especially considering how unmotivated I have been about this blog in the past couple of weeks).

I had a mini-revelation yesterday about my current state of mental and physical health (or lack thereof!). For the past few weeks, and especially after this week's interesting knee-tapping therapy session!, I have been trying to figure out what is wrong with me? What is different now than a year or even two years ago that has me in this state? And I started thinking back to when Adam and I broke up (exactly two years ago). After we broke up, I lost about 10 pounds in the months following. Actually shed it pretty quickly and without thinking about it. And I was thinking that at that time, I was so happy and felt so light, as if a weight had been lifted. Nowadays, I sometimes feel as if the weight of the world is on my shoulders...and I have gained weight. And I realized, as I was walking down the street to meet K____ to go to the Dustin Hoffman film festival event, that what seems like metaphor was/is actually REAL - when the weight was lifted after Adam, the weight was literally lifted. Now that I am feeling weighed down by my troubles and worries, I am literally weighed down. As I was telling K____ about it, I nearly started to cry. It felt like a bit of a breakthrough. Of course, having this "information" is only as useful as what I choose to do with it. But it does feel good to at least feel as if there is an explanation for it.

I am reluctant to talk too much about work on here...Nobody from work (all four of them!) knows I have this blog, but I feel weird about saying anything for fear they may hear about it or somehoe stumble upon it. But so much of what is going on for me right now revolves around the work situation. Oh well, I guess I will have to save that for my personal journal.

Rick Santorum, Republican Senator from that lovely state of Pennsylvania, seems to be having a semi-Trent Lott experience these days. His homo-intolerant comments to the Associated Press the other day were, in my opinion, nothing short of abhorrent. As bad as Trent Lott's racist remarks, in my opinion. Of course, the establishment, and the theocrat-in-chief, will do nothing about it. After all, Santorum is a religious fanatic just like Bush is, and many of these religious zealots (and yes, the exist in Christianity and Judaism, too, not just Islam) believe that homosexuality is just plain wrong. Of course, Santorum goes that extra mile in an effort to seem unlike the bigot he is. He clarifies that he doesn't disapprove of homosexuality, just homosexual acts. In other words, it is okay to be gay as long as you don't act gay. And then he goes on to say that these gay acts are the moral equivalent to acts of incest, polygamy, bigamy and, my favorite, bestiality. As in "man on dog" as he said. This is what is running our country? Why are people not more outraged? I wonder if people are not as incensed as they should be about this kind of talk because there are so many other things going on that we need to worry about - our lying president, his over-reaching "big brother" of an attorney general, the scary hawks in the defense department, the deflated Amrecian economy, and the list goes on and on. At some point it becomes too much and we need to tune out for a bit and sit back and know, with deep commitment and sincerity, that we are going to do all we need to do to take advantage of our brilliant four year election cycles and throw out the trashy layer of representation we currently have running our country. I can only hope that we all get together and actually vote.

Shit...the conference call...

Ah...the blog juju is loooooow these days. Had a really interesting therapy session today...I think it was a good one...maybe a breakthrough? I need to sit with it some more before I declare any major progression but I have felt pretty great ever since and had a kick ass bike ride tonight and a decent run.

I love the West Wing. It really is one of the most well-written shows on television. I am not sure the acting is necessarily the craftiest...after all, they are fairly predictable characters and we like it that way. Different from Six Feet Under, which is all-around brilliantly crafted...written, directed and acted. But West Wing I enjoy so thoroughly as it is happening...The writing is so good and also so subtle...Jokes happen that I guarantee most people watching don't "get" - shit, I bet plenty of the jokes go over my head! I do think lately, though, that the show has veered a bit much away from the issues and towards the more personal story lines. I am sure some kind of market research told them to head in that direction. But I miss the more intense issue-focused parts of the show. But I do love it. I continue to love the idea that on Wednesday night from 9 - 10 pm we have the kind of President I wish we had the other six days of the week.

I am close to figuring out how to do links. The guy from the Demwatch blog is trying to dumb it down so I can understand technically how to do it. As soon as I put a few minutes together to focus on it, I will. I am very excited about it. In the meantime, I need to get my blog mojo back!

I must get my blogging momentum back soon! It has been an exhausting week and while I would love to sit and muse for hours, what I really need to do is read the paper and go to sleep! I have a busy week ahead of me and I need to start it off refreshed. I haven't turned on the television in days and in some ways, I feel like I may not know what is going on in the world but it's nice not to have that noise around for a bit.

Volunteering today at Glide serving food was interesting. I get so sad seeing all those people whose lives seem so, I don't know, ruined. I mean, I look at them and I wonder what it is like to live that life, what goes on in their heads? I watched one man eat today and as he ate his food, so slowly and so methodically and so...alone...I could not help but wonder what was going through his mind...what does he think about, I wondered? And as I thought about it, I got sad...sad because if I were to guess what he thinks about, I would probably guess that his thoughts are consumed with his miserable life and despair over his situation. Then I get sad because I make assumptions like that. What do I know what it is like to be a black man, with two broken fingers, living on the streets of San Francisco and eating Easter Sunday dinner at Glide Memorial Church's free dining room? From my privileged point of view, I can only imagine that his life is pure misery. That there are no bright spots...not real bright spots...a warm meal is not a bright spot, it's a necessity. And after seeing these people today who clearly live in such poverty, saddled with addictions and afflictions, I wonder why I have not dedicated my life to serving them or, even better, fixing the planet in such a way so that these people do not end up in such a place. The strangest thing today was when I was hanfing one man his tray of foond...He was a small, older black man who seemed to me to be "on something." And as I handed him his tray he said, "Thank you," and then somewhat leeringly added, "You so cute..." and then he started to whimper and cry. And he walked away wiping the tears from his eyes. I felt that moment all the way through me. Such a strange sensation of helplessness and shame washed over me...

Then I go to the Easter Egg Hunt at Laura and Matthew's place and I see my friends and we talk about the world and work and school and triathlons...and I think, "I like my life." And I don't feel any guilt about it (should I?). And I don't feel any special pride for my service today...it was a drop in the bucket and if it wasn't me serving that food and cleaning up that kitchen, it would have been someone else, because Glide certainly does not want for volunteers.

Anyway, I ramble. I am tired and have no mood for writing tonight. Just wanted to get a couple of things off my chest.

By the way...I am on hiatus from dating at the moment. I know I say that all the time but I really mean it this time.