I really like Howard Dean for President. He's articulate, he has inspired a passionate following of people whom, I believe, are willing to do whatever it takes to get him elected (though I do fear that some are too, well, just too nice to get down and dirty with the likes of Karl Rove). This is important for a candidate to be successful in the primaries. I like him a lot...he speaks with a voice that in many ways, on many important issues speaks for me. If the primary election was today, I would certainly vote for him.

HOWEVER...

I am not going to lie...I like Wesley Clark. And not only because he has - or seems to have - impeccable military credentials, useful for a wartime candidacy. But because on just about every issue, from what I can tell, he takes a perspective similar to mine. Now, I am getting all this info from the DraftWesleyClark web site, on which there is an entire section dedicated to his stance on a range of issues. These Clark enthusiasts, not me, did a great deal of research to determine his views...since he isn't a candidate yet there are no official position papers. Anyway, they culled information from his hundreds of media appearances, his book, his articles and other bits of evidence to determine his perspective on a range of issues, from affirmative action and gun control to taxes and immigration. And while it's rare to find someone with whome you can agree on every issue, I will say this...his positions seem to align very closely with mine...moreso than Dean's do in some cases.

So far, nobody knows if he is actually going to run. And if he does, I think it will throw a lot of things into turmoil. I would venture to guess that there are quite a few people like me who like Dean because he is the best candidate out of this field of nine but maybe haven't quite signed on to him 100 percent. Sure, I have been trying to get my politically-minded friends to take a look at Dean. And I read the Dean campaign's blog daily (the jolt of energy from his supporters that comes through on that site is unbelievably inspiring). But I haven't gone to a Meetup (though I keep saying I will) and I haven't given money. I haven't bought a t-shirt or a button or a window sign.

I guess I am still waiting to see if anyone emerges that has the Dean energy and the passion of Dean's supporters and also has that special something that gets me all fired up...Ever since talk of a Clark candidacy started circulating I have wondered what I would do if it actually happened. I wondered if it was too early to commit to my candidate already. So, I give General Clark until October 1 to make some kind of an announcement. After that, I am Dean all the way. But until then, he has the potential to sway me. I am not saying for sure that it will happen...but I am open to it.

Rumor has it that Wesley Clark is making some sort of announcement on Inside Politics today regarding his potential candidacy. People are also talking about a Clark/Dean ticket (though I am not sure in what order). I have to admit, Clark is a compelling candidate. I do like Dean, and I do think Dean can win (the nomination and the general election). But I also think Clark would have an easier time of it. I would like a Dean/Clark ticket, I think...Either way it went. Though I really like Dean at the top of the ticket.

Great article by David Talbot today on salon.com. Check it out You may have to scroll through some ads if you are not a subscriber).

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Buzzie paid me the nicest compliment today. She told me that she has noticed over the last few months or so that I have gotten less defensive about things. That I seem more willing to be vulnerable...This is a compliment because I have been working so hard to get to such a place. To be nicer to myself (and therefore require others to be nicer to me!), to let people see the not-so-strong sides of me. I have found that it makes such a difference in the quality of my life. First of all, it is exhausting to spend all that energy doubting myself. And it is more fun when people can see all sides of you...it's easier...a weight lifted when you know that it's okay to not always know, to not always be right, to be sad once in a while, to get hurt. It sucks, for sure. But if you don't go through it you can't move past it. I really believe this. Not that you need to wallow. But if you don't feel your pain when it happens to you, you will never move past it to the next opportunity...because you will always be afraid of the pain you will never open yourself up to situations that, though they may cause much pain, have greater potential to bring joy and light. What's that saying, with great risk comes great reward? I trust now that this is true. Difficult to live by, but true nonetheless.

So I find myself in a position to really put this new sense of myself to the test! And it's not that easy to do! I mean, sure, when I am not in a difficult situation, when I am deling with my closest friends, it is easy to not be too defensive, to be vulnerable. But what about when I am in a situation like the one I am in...Can I still be honest about my feelings, even though it probably means I will be disappointed or hurt? Can I say that I am scared that because I was hurtful to him so long ago that he will be hurtful to me now? Can I admit that physical closeness with him is just not enough for me, that I want more, even though he says he can't offer much more right now? Can I really put myself out there like that? It's hard to admit these things to myself let alone to him. I mean, why mess with what it is right now - a fling...Who couldn't use a fling now and again? But for whatever reason, that's just not where I am right now.

I had a revelatory moment with myself today...I got home from his place this morning and I was exhausted, dragging my ass around my apartment and I passed a mirror...I don't usually look in the mirror for some reason (a whole separate topic for another time!)...but this time as I walked by I glanced. And I smiled at what I saw. Because as it turns out, I really like myself right now. And I actually said out loud, "Lynn (I refer to myself in the last name when I want to get my attention!), what are you doing? You deserve more than this." And so I do. Which is not to denigrate him in any way whatsoever. He is fabulous and if he were willing, I would want to try again...try for real. But as long as that's not what he wants, I can't do the other. I can't have the physical without the emotional. I never was any good at separating the two anyway.

After my short stint of jury duty today I can say with certainty that it is no wonder that our legal system is, well, really f*d up. Jury duty is made to be a chore - parking costs more than you get paid for attending. You sit in a dungeon-ous room for three hours only to have your name read out by an illiterate clerk telling you it is okay to go home, the case was settled. What a waste of time. Of course the case was settled. That's what lawsuits are about these days. I suppose on some level I am supposed to be glad that the parties settled their differences. But at the same time, I have a feeling they never intended to go through with the lawsuit. They used the legal system as a threat. And then it came down to the wire. Someone blinked. And for their charade, I had to spend my afternoon in the basement of 400 McAllister. At least I had a good book to read (The Namesake by Jhumpa Lahiri).

I certainly didn't expect to think about him this much. It used to be that I would see him and then I would think about him a lot...for a few days. Then it was back to normal...And I didn't really think of him much until I saw him again. And perhaps that's what is going on right now. I did just see him on Wednesday night. And so it's been a few days and I am still thinking about him...Maybe it will wear off like it usually does. But I don't know. I am afraid that it won't. Because we, you know, we kissed. And as much as I thought (and even said) that kissing wouldn't be a big deal...doesn't have to mean anything...I am not sure that's actually true. Sure, when I was 24 it was true. It might have even been true when A___ and I first broke up and I was "sowing my wild oats" so to speak. But I don't know if it's true anymore. Oy.

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I cannot believe (p)Resident Bush is spending today, Labor Day, with union workers. As though he has done anything to help working men and women. Who is he kidding? The only working people he has taken care of are the ones in the executive offices...And the lobbyists who work hard for his special interests...I have faith that Americans are smarter than this...He didn't win the first time but the courts appointed him. Hopefully the American people will see that it's crucial that he lose by a wider margin. So there can be no interpretation of our outright rejection of his policies and his politics.

It's not that I hate George Bush...that would certainly require more energy than I can devote to him right now. I would rather spend my juju loving and admiring a candidate who speaks for me and to me than hating him. But he does make me angry. Not so much because I disagree with him on most issues...and I do. But really it's because he is a liar. He lies stright to my face about things that are important. Some will say that Clinton was a liar, too. And I guess he was. He lied about having an affair with a 24 year old. I can't blame him for lying but it was bad and I felt betrayed by it for sure. And certainly I do not expect politicians to tell the truth all the time. They are, after all, people and nobody is 100% honest all the time, so politicians are no exception. But Bush...he lies and then lies about lying. And it's not about blowjobs and cigars. It's about war. And weapons of mass destruction. It's about educational opportunities and voting rights. It's about things that matter to the rest of us.