Thank goodness it's Wednesday (TGIW??)...it's time for President Bartlett, the one I wish was President instead of the one we have.

Before I get into tonight's "musing" session, I have some housekeeping to take care of...until I figure out how to do links on the side of the page, I am doing them here. Check out Julie Trell's blog - she just started it. It's funny that I am linking to it considering she is the only one who even almost reads this. But in case I someday take this more public, or some random happens upon my little corner of the world, I want to have the link in here.

Okay...I really love my women friends. Now, I love my men friends, but there is something about "girlfriends" that is extra special...and anyone who has them gets this. For much of my life, I usually had one very close girlfriend - maybe two - a bunch of good friends and acquaintances (female) and great connections with "boys." Except in junior high school, when there was a group of seven of us that were B.F.F.s - "best friends forever" - me, Stacy Sholkoff, Nicole Trocino, Darlene DeSimone, Dawn Bauer, Dianna Migliaccio and Jolie Gaglio. Now, the farce of that is a whole different story for a different time (I would rather not live through that again right now). Anyway, as one might guess, that didn't work out too well..and for good reason. There was a lot of gossip, backstabbing, competition and that sort of thing...

Well, here I am about 18 years later (18 years!) and I find myself so lucky to have a group of girlfriends that I absolutely adore, cherish and rely on like family. It's a big group and I wouldn't say we are BFFs...after all, we are too old to use stilly phrases like that (aren't we?)...But, as we get older, and/or mature and grow, I must say I notice a lot of similiarities between this group and the BFF group. The gossip is definitely there...I mean, we are women after all and let's face it, women like to chat and often like to chat about each other. I used to be incredibly guilty of this...I gossiped about everyone - especially after A___ and I broke up...not sure why. I am sure there is some psycho-analytic explanation, like my life sucked and I felt better about myself when I talked about other people...or, I judge myself so harshly that I therefore judge other people (projection at its best)...anyway, I have really worked on that problem of mine over the course of the last year - consciously - and I know I have gotten so much better. Don't get me wrong...plenty of times I talk shit - or just talk - about my "friends." I make myself feel better about it by not talking about the true BFFs in the group. Anyway...the point is, as I have become less of a gossip and care less about how my friends live out the details of their lives (and care less about talking about it), I have become more aware of other people engaging in this activity and BOY DOES IT BOTHER ME!!!

With girlfriends, there is also the phenomenon of "circle talk" (a great concept I first learned about from B___). I talk to Friend A...she tells me about her date. I know that Friend A and Friend B are friends so next time I talk to Friend B, I tell her all about Friend A's date...So now Friend B knows all about Friend A's date and never even talked to Friend A about it. This is circle talk. AND IT BUGS - especially if there are details Friend A didn't want other people besides you to know. I didn't understand the problem with circle talk until I was recently a "victim" of it. I was asked out by someone we all marginally knew...I told one friend, she told another friend and she told another friend. Then, we are all at a big dinner party and the third friend says, "So, I heard [INSERT NAME HERE] asked you out!" And this friend tends to gossip and doesn't really use an appopriate filter. So heaven only knows who else she told...and so the circle talk spirals downward and, by the way, people are talking about me behind my back, which is annoying in and of itself.

Anyway, I love my women friends but tonight I was reminded of how difficult it can be to move in a large circle... I was reminded that there are moments of closeness and distance with each member of the group and this closeness and distance ebbs and flows over the course of a friendship...of course, the bonds between me and some of these women are stronger than others...and with some of them I work harder to create or maintain these bonds...but I love being part of this dynamic group of quirky, beautiful, compassionate women...some brilliant, some just above average intelligence...some drop dead gorgeous, some just stunning...some fucking hilarious, some just funny....some a one-woman party, some just really fun to be around...some I don't want to go a day without talking to (though sometimes I have to), some I simply don't want to go too long without checking in...So, I hate the gossip and I hate the circle talk. But I do love the women that commit them (myself included!)!

Sometimes I think it's important to write, just to write...Just to keep up with the discipline of writing. I mean, if I am going to someday be a writer (I mean, really be a writer), I have to get in the habit of writing even when I don't necessarily have that much to say or feel like saying what I do have to say.

So I just read a news story that said something about Halliburton (Dick Cheney's old company) decided not to go for the big contracts to re uild Iraq...well, sort of. Halliburton decided not to be the primary contractor...they will still be a subcontractor. So, this is a really FUCKED UP public relations ploy. The plan is clearly to keep Halliburton's name out of the headlines...so the story will be about some other, unknown company, but really as the subcontractor, Halliburton will likely end up making most of the money (the primary probably wouldn't get the contract without Halliburton) and still keep the spotlight off the company and, by extension, Dick Cheney...How do you write that press release and then feel good about what you put out in the world?

One of these days I am going to write a funny story on here... but so far, the funny stories are not what drives me to write much.

I really like the series on Salon called, "Match Made in Heaven, Match Made in Hell" about online dating horror stories or fantasy tales. Being a sometimes jDater, I can relate to most of the stories people send in, but certainly not the ones that are really awesome - or really awful, for that matter. In fact, I recently wrote my own entry that I was going to send in about my experience with Broadway. It felt good to write it out...and I managed to make it somewhat interesting. But for some reason it didn't feel right to send it in...I don't know why. I think maybe I felt like it sounded kind of bitter. Or at least more bitter than I actually feel. Anyway, it's a cool segment. I do love Salon.com and I encourag everyone to subscribe to it because it would be an absolute travesty if it went out of business...It's the only even somewhat alternative voice within the relatively mainstream media "establishment."

Also, I love http://www.mediawhoresonline.com. But they are on vacation until April. Terrible time to go on vacation but, I guess everyone needs a rest once in a while!

I am soooo looking forward to seeing Meredith this weekend. I could really use a few sessions of just laughing my ass off...and I know I will get it with her! Everything around here is so serious...I haven't really laughed really hard in a while. I mean, Julie and I laugh a lot...but it's been a while since I have laughed really hard...so it will be nice to do that with my big sister. The drive down will pretty much suck, and the drive back will be even worse, I am sure. But I think that the time alone and away will be good for me...It's not exactly the time alone and away I was hoping for...but it's better than nothing. And hopefully the weather down there will be nice...for the race and just for hanging out!

Dinner tonight with A___ was good. I love the restaurant we went to...Herbivore. And it was pretty inexpensive. I was a little nervous at first...it has been so long since we have been friends - or friendly for that matter, as I am not even sure we were ever actually friends - but conversation was fine...It was actually nice. I just need to be careful with him. I need to protect myself. I have to remember that, because it's not my instinct to do so! But he seems well...and gentle...and the space between us feels less charged than in the past...and I am not angry anymore and I don't think he is as calculating or manipulative as he was...maybe also it's because those other feelings aren't there anymore, so I can let go of how angry I was at him for treating me poorly...Jess is right, I really need to learn how to be LESS trusting and protect myself...I am still trying to figure out how you do this without keeping people out and without being "cold" and overly-analytical. Hmmm...it's always a learning process, I guess...

Still sunburned. Now my arms, really it's more my shoulders, but anyway, now they just feel kind of leathery...sleeping is a bit uncomfortable but hopefully tonight is better than last night. I bought some aloe gel so I am hoping that works. I can't tell if it's better than the regular lotion I was using. But I guess I will trust the experts on that one!


So, earlier today I had my whole topic for tonight's blog picked out. I was talking to J____ about the whole notion of the "backslide" and how it seems to me that people our age (late 20s, early thirties) slip into the backslide pretty frequently and I was wondering why that is. I mean, why can't we just break up with people? And I was going to dedicate a whole musing session to this idea. But as I thought about it, I started to realize that I think the reasoning is pretty simple (we always prefer the known to the unknown, even when the known is not necessarily the best thing for you...and I think at this age, it's scarier and scarier when you breakup and have to get back out there to keep looking for your life partner...so you stick around, try again, hope you can make it work)...so I am not going to spend any more time on it!


Still at war. I can hardly believe it. So, the first few days, the television and the radio and the newspaper was all war all the time. Then, after a few days, it was back to regular programming. Which makes sense, I guess. But nothing has really changed about the war...so why the reduced coverage? Or is the real question, why the intense around-the-clock coverage in the first place? Is it because we thought the war would be over in three days so the networks can spare the advertising for those few days? It seems to me that the longer it drags on, the closer we get to Baghdad, the more I want to know...But alas, it's much more important that I have access to things like Married by America...because if I didn't, that would mean the terrorists win, wouldn't it? Actually, it wouldn't...


And I must say, there is something really strange about watching the footage from Iraq and then watching "a word from our sponsors." I hate to say it but, it seems somehow appropriately American. I do love America (would I love any country I called home?) and I am a firm believer in our principles of freedom. But I also think that our technology has gotten ahead of our "moral" education and experience, thus leaving us with things like Joe Millionaire and Real World: Iraq.


Buzzie and I were discussing the other day whether or not we would die for the principles of American democracy. In other words, if the USA was invaded by, let's say, some Islamic fundamentalist force who, if victorious, would suppress freedom of press, speech and religion, along with freedom of movement, educational opportunity, choice and the other freedoms we enjoy thanks to our Constitution and Bill of Rights... would we take up arms and die for the cause? She was certain she would. No doubt. I would like to think that I would...but I wonder. I think in theory, OF COURSE I WOULD. But I just wonder if I would have that kind of guts...or would I try to flee to another country where I can enjoy if not those freedoms exactly, some version of them...Who knows...I hope to never have to find out.


I heard a really disturbing thing on the news today. NPR is doing this series of "War Diaries" and today the diary was of a tattoo artist located near Camp Lejeune in North Carolina (incidentally, where A___'s brother is based) and he was talking about how busy he was in the few months leading up to the war tattooing the Marines before heading off to Iraq. The disturbing part was when he was describing the kinds of tattoos the soldiers were getting and he said he was doing a lot of religious symbols...praying hands, crosses, biblical verse..."real Crusader stuff." Scary. Is this what George Bush's daily prayers are inspiring?


I do hope that this war ends soon. I guess in my heart I know it won't...I am scared that we are going to be in this region for many years to come...Bush doesn't seem to have a true, long-term vision. I can't see where he is going with this...I wish I had more faith in him. I mean, I wish I just disagreed with him, but it's more than that. I fundamentally do not trust him and do not share his notion of America in 2003.