What a day. First of all, I am so sunburned! Fried. My arms are like these big, red, throbbing extensions. I feel like if I take my shirt off and look at my sunburnt arms, it will look like crispy chicken skin. Because that is sure what it feels like. I rode today (I think it ended up being 65 miles) and then ran for 17 minutes. We did the Cinderella Classic. We were bandits (though I tried to register earlier this week and they said it was sold out...so we didn't use any of the rest stops, just their pink arrows on the ground telling us where to go). It was a great ride, GORGEOUS day. We kept a pretty good pace, though I didn't eat enough and towards the end felt hungry, which is never good! About halfway through the ride I asked A___, "Do you think we are getting tan?" "We must be," she replied. It was so sunny and gorgeous. But it seems it was a bit too sunny...I put sunscreen on my face before I left the house this morning but didn't bother with my arms or legs. Now I am paying the price. I am afraid my shirt is going to catch fire because my arms are so friggin hot!

After the ride I came home, read a bit of Truman (yup, still reading it!) and ended up snoozing for about 45 minutes. I hopped in the shower and went and picked up J_____ for the cool KPIX/World Affiars Council Town Hall meeting we were participating in. I was excited but had no idea what to expect. It turned out to be really interesting. First of all, it was very cool to be in a TV studio that wasn't a sitcom set, which is the only other TV studio I had ever been in! It was cool to see the local newscasters live and up close. And the idea of sitting through live television was kind of cool - anything could happen!

The audience was very diverse...much more diverse, in my opinion, than the actual demographics of San Francisco. But that's okay, because San Francisco could use a little more color. Anyway, they took an audience poll at the beginning to see where people stand on the war. The majority of the audience was opposed to the war. Surprise surprise...it is San Francisco after all.

Anyway, I thought it was going to be more audience engagement than it was...but you know, it was their first time doing this fomat so I cut them a bit of slack. I wanted to speak...there was so much I wanted to say: I wanted to talk about how this war is like the ultimate reality tv show...as if this is what we have been preparing for since the reality genre first opened up a dozen years ago. I wanted to talk about how I think the protesters are wasting their energy right now - we are at war, and as much as we are opposed to it, our opposition is no longer the real point...I wanted to talk about how I think the protesters should re-group, refocus and figure out how we are going to make sure that the warmongers in power stick around Iraq, rebuild what they have destroyed, create an infrastructure for democracy and help set the tone for the region. I wanted to say that if we were really paying attention, we would have done that with Afghanistan. And really, I wanted to say a lot more. But I didn't say anything. Because I didn't have a question and if I got up just to comment, I am sure I would have gone on and on and time would have run out on the show!

It's interesting, ever since Bush was appointed by the Supreme Court in 2000, I feel less politically empowered. I want so badly for him to lose in 2004 and I want to work on every campaign that might possible have a role in beating him. But then I fear in my heart that he won't lose, because he will rig it again somehow. And I get all upset about it before it is even happening. And I feel like I can't decide if I should bother or not. And I am not sure I am alone feeling this way...so disenfranchised.

I have this distinct feeling that once the Supreme Court made its fateful decision, Americans somehow checked out. I mean, it doesn't matter. This majority of Americans DID NOT VOTE for this guy, yet he is running the country, forcing his religious views and his absolutist morality on us, pissing off the rest of the world in our name, pushing our economy deeper and deeper into distress. So, I can see why people would throw up their arms in disgust and then turn their backs in disinterest.

The problem with me is, I never run out of things to say but I need to get to sleep and I can't type as fast as I think and I get frustrated that I can't always be brilliant and articulate.

I will say this...my arms are smoking right now...they are so hot and red. I need to go roll around in some lotion!

okay, that didn't work and I don't know why...

here is the site: http://demwatch.blogspot.com

This is a good link...I can't figure out how to put links on the side of the page (I am sooooo tech-challenged!) but once I do, I hope to start putting links there (though I am not sure why since I am the only one who reads this thing!!! But if by chance someone else happens upon these ramblings...I guess it will be good to have good links!)

Ever since this war started my mind has been wandering. I don't know how I got to be so damn sensitive! There are definitely times when it occurs to me that things might be "easier" in my life if I wasn't quite so aware of the world around me! I said that to someone once and she was like, "Oh, so you would rather be unconscious?" So, I guess not. But I think that what happens is I get caught up in events and I forget to be in the here and now. I think if I could be better about living in the moment, I would be a lot more content. Gosh, I really need to go back to the meditation thing or even one of those weekends at Spirit Rock...

Last night's workout was the best I have felt in a long time at the track. This is a good thing, I think, since my race is next weekend. In fact, all week I felt pretty good with training. So maybe I am ready for next weekend. I don't know...it still feels like I haven't been training enough, but after Ironman, I don't know if any triathlon training will ever feel like enough. It was pretty exciting when Coach Geoff moved me up a lane at the pool! I guess I have been noticing that I have gotten faster. But I didn't really notice until the other night when I lapped everyone in my lane at least once on a 600! I felt bad because I know how annoying it can be when someone swims in the wrong lane - it definitely cuts the rhythm of the lane's workout...it's just not cool and not good pool etiquette, I think. So, next week, lane six. I must admit, I am a bit nervous to swim in lane six. But it will be good for me. I think being in a lane where most people are faster than me will push me and help make me faster and faster!

I love Wednesdays. For one hour each Wednesday I can retreat into a fantasy world where the President is a brilliant, ideological liberal. He is pro-choice, he protects the environment, he understands the separation of church and state, he respects women. For the one hour each Wednesday that I spend watching the West Wing, I get to pretend Jeb Bartlett is the president...Since the 2000 election, I have found this to be one of the better hours of my week.

How do you fall out of love with someone? Every time I have been in love - all three times! - I was certain it would be "forever." Now, I get it that forever has different meaning when you are 16, 19 and 25. But it's still forever, you know? And the thing is, each time you think it will be forever, and it turns out not to be, it makes it that much harder to fall again, right? Because you have evidence that as much as you may love a person, you may not always love them (or them you). That being said, I have fallen in love three times in my relatively short life. Each time the "love" felt different...and while I thought all three would be the love of my life, only once was I old enough to make one of them a real candidate. But I digress. What is strange to me is how much I can love a man, want to spend the rest of my life with him (or at least want to try and see if I want to spend the rest of my life with him...) and then one day, I find I have fallen out of love with him. I still feel love for sure...but it's different. It's like a fondness for memories and a sweet spot for what could have been. But I just am not in love anymore. I don't get that tingly feeling when you think about him. I don't count the moments until we will be together again. I don't fantasize about our wedding, our marriage, our first home together, our kids. But at one point in time, this was what I did. So how does it happen that it just dissipates? I would understand if he hit me, cheated on me, lied to me, told me he didn't love me. But he didn't. It was circumstance that drove us apart...you know what they say, "it's all in the timing." Anyway, much time has passed and I have moved on...whatever that means. I am not in love anymore. And though I no longer want to be with him, there is something sad about the fact that you can love someone so deeply, want so much to live the rest of your life as his partner in crime...and then one day you don't. I just think that's weird.

What does it mean to be creative? I have often thought of myself as creative and I have been told by others - family, teachers, friends - that I am creative. But I have always struggled to understand the difference between creative and artistic. Because artistic I am not. Visual arts - forget it. Music - ha. I try. I like to paint and I am trying to learn to play guitar but I have no inherent artistic talents. I can write but not really creative writing (remembering my creative writing class in college when my teacher, Rafael Campo, RIPPED a short story I wrote. Years later I read it and I was embarassed at how bad it was!). So am I creative? Despite this utter lack of artizitic talent, I still consider myself creative. But I don't know how to articulate what that means...artisitic vs. creative. Something to ponder.

Still at war...all war all the time...I think I need to turn off the TV for a few days. But truth is, I have a hard time tuning out. How dare I turn away just because it makes my stomach turn? And if I don't watch, will I miss something? If I do, will I learn something? Or, worst case, will I become desensitized and have the all war news sound simply like background music? I don't know the answer (shocker!)...and I wish I could stop thinking about it.

I am really looking forward to Passover this year. Both the first night at Trell's and the second night at Buzzie and Ryan's. I am a little bit sad that it won't be at 3125 Washington again, as it has been for five years...but life is change and while it is good to keep the traditions alive, one of the traditions can surely be slight changes from year to year.

It's weird to be 30 and single and so sure that I want to have a baby. Is it selfish to want to start a family? I mean, why do people "want" kids? Is it purely biological...I am a woman, my biological purpose on the planet is to reproduce so therefore I yearn to do it? Or is it that I have all this love to give but I am not in an intimate relationship so I can feel the excess oozing out of me with nowhere to go, and a baby seems like a good place to direct that love? I wonder. But I do know that I really do want to have a family. Does it matter why? I wonder...These are the things that keep me up at night. Well, and the biography of Harry Truman, which is like 2000 pages, I have been reading it for months and I am only about halfway through it!

It's so strange to be in this place in the world at this time. Most people are, at any given time, dealing with problems or issues that impact their daily life…sometimes those issues seem minor - for example struggling with a negative body image - especially when you know of people dealing with seemingly major issues, like overcoming the effects of an alcoholic parent. I often find myself chafing at people who minimize one set of issues because some other issues seem more deserving of time and attention. But today, I am sitting in my car listening to the radio about "shock and awe" military campaigns and prisoners of war and I can hardly believe that I dare to complain because I think I am too fat right now! Which is not to say that my body issues aren’t real - they are and they have been excruciatingly painful lately...I must get a grip on them and loosen their grip on me. But come on! I feel fat? BIG FUCKING DEAL...the world is falling apart around us. The American media have been hypnotized by the American military, as have the rest of the world's media, only they have been hypnotized in knee-jerk reverse. California's education budget has been cut by 28% (I must say I am not sure what we are spending our state budget on if not education) and, oh yeah, we are bombing the shit out of Iraq. Yet I spend $135 to spend one hour every two weeks talking about how much I hate my body. Wow...I have some nerve, don’t I? Don’t I?

What I don't understand is why KQED cuts to BBC coverage of the war in Iraq. Look, I hate George Bush as much as the next thinking person. But I have to say, the BBC reporters get on my nerves. Usually I just turn it off, but today I was curious to hear the slant of another media perspective. And boy did they give it to me! The reporters' voices are dripping with disdain for this country. I was getting so agitated listening to the British reporter talking about our budget deficit. I cannot believe I am about to say this but...

I feel like it's okay for me to rip on things here...it’s my right as an American. It’s what it means to be an American - I have freedom of speech, freedom of expression. But it rubs me the wrong way to hear a bunch of snooty Brits talking shit about the United States. It's irrational, I know. I can't even believe I have this reaction, let alone am willing to admit it!

It reminds me of when I first started going to therapy. I would tell my therapist at the time (Sande) something or other about my sister that bugged me. Then she would try to delve deeper into what I was talking about and start saying things about my sister that sounded negative. And boy would I get pissed. Look, it's my sister. I can say whatever I want about her. But if anyone else talks shit about her, I lose it. It doesn't make any sense. But that's how it is. Anyway, I suppose the case could be made that the BBC bias balances out the American media bias. But in reality, can't we get a balanced view of this whole thing? I mean, is it either embedded or embittered? Is there nothing in between?

I can't believe my race is in two weeks. In the midst of war am I really going to do a triathlon on a Marines base? There is something about that fact that feels...off. I don't want to go to a race and have it turn into some kind of patriotic metaphor. People always seem to have to make their small slice of the world directly relevant to current events...But guess what - a half Ironman triathlon actually has nothing whatsoever to do with this war, I don't care that it takes place on a military base. Granted, many of the marines who have already been killed in battle thus far hail from Camp Pendleton. And that is true tragedy, especially because this war is wrong and those young soldiers signed up for the military to defend this country and our constitution, not to make a point about a new direction for Bush's foreign policy agenda. But I digress. What I want to say is that certainly , because the race is on a military base, there is a connection. But let's face it, there is nothing patriotic about doing a triathlon. Yet I am sure that in order to feel 1) relevant and 2) justified, race organizers and even some race participants will manage to make this triathlon some kind of statement on America and our vow to "not let the terrorists win." As if this war is about terrorism.