Lately I have been wondering if I believe in the romantic notion of "the one that got away." I never considered myself to be someone who believes in that idea...not only does the idea seem overly dramatic, but I have long felt that what ever is happening is what is supposed to be happening and there is no turning back. Which is not to say that I do not believe in second chances, I do - certainly there is proof of that in the fact that A____ and I broke up and got back together several times over the course of four years. But I have not ever considered the idea that I may have let someone slip away...that I did not know the good thing when I had it, or that I did know it but was not ready for it and so had to let it go...and that it was the wrong thing to do...not what was supposed to be happening...But in recent days, it has actually occurred to me that it is possible there was one that got away (and if there was this one, were there perhaps more?).

He was most things I want in a partner. Sure, he was a little young, but I tend to be more attracted to the younger ones, and he possesses so many traits that I value. Smart, funny (very funny), sweet, liberal, healthy in body, positive disposition, respectful of women, sexy, expressive and generous. And a bunch of other things. He liked me, which turned out to be his downfall. As I have always said, it is all in the timing, and I was not ready for a man to be so much of what I ultimately want in a partner. It's not as if he was looking to marry me, or even date me for more than a few months. But he was so obvious about how he felt about me - he liked getting to know me and wanted to continue to do so - and I suppose I just was not used to it and was not comfortable with it. So I chased him away. I was not very nice to him at all. I sent him mixed signals, pushed him away, called him back to me, pushed him away, called him back...And finally I sent him packing.

I am ashamed of how I treated him. I asked him for forgiveness last year (around Yom Kippur...seeking atonement!)...a few months of drama with Broadway illustrated for me the good thing I let go...It was too late...he was deep into a relationship with someone else and (I think) in love with her. I heard rumors about the instability of their relationship and I sometimes wondered if I would ever get a second chance - and if I did would I screw it up again? Then he faded from my thoughts. Every once in a while he would pop up again. Something would remind me of him, someone would say his name or, more rarely, I would run into him or hear from him in email or the rare phone call.

It is only when I see him that I think of him in a romantic way and that I wonder if I royally screwed up! Within a few days - or even hours - he fades from my thoughts, not to enter again until the next time he crosses my path.

When we are in the same space, socially interacting, it is weird between us and I am sure it is me projecting that weirdness. I do not know how to act around him, whereas around me he seems perfectly natural. And though I toy with the notion that I let him get away, I am chastened by the idea that he likely does not think twice about what could have been. My best friend encourages me to explore it...to put myself out there with him again and see what he says. But I do not feel that I have the right to even offer that up, and I am not certain, with everything going on with me these days, that I could handle the rejection I am certain would follow any initiation on my part. So I retreat to the self-pity zone until a few days pass and he again fades away.