When I first started this whole blog process, it was because I needed an outlet to express my thoughts about the war and the state of the world. This seemed like a good way to do it. As time progressed and I became more and more comfortable writing about things mundane, I started to use the blog as an overall expressive device. A way to say what I think about...well, about whatever I happen to be thinking about when I log in. I like it for this purpose. Tonight I considered using it in a different way...Tonight I considered using the blog as a passive aggressive tool tp get someone to react to something I write here.

I was going to write about "the one that got away" that I often muse about in this space. I was going to say how I saw him tonight and, as usually happens when I see him, I fought urges to call him and ask him for another chance. Actually, I went so far as to pick the phone up out of its cradle and prepared to dial. Then it rang. P____ was calling from New York...so I didn't make the call...yet. Anyway, I was going to use this space to say how I wanted to call him but don't have the guts and how I wish I could have a signal from him to know if I should go ahead and approach him about something as harmless as a date. And then I was going to hope that maybe, by some fluke of nature, he would read my blog, know I was talking about him and put me out of my misery! That was my plan. It sounded good to me. It seemed like the least risky way to deal with how I am feeling about him.

But I know full well that approach is not a good idea. So I called (eek). And luckily he wasn't home (or wasn't answering) so I left a message. And instead of saying, "Call me back," I said something IDIOTIC like, "Well, I guess I will see you online or something." I cannot believe how inept I have become at dealing with men!

Seeing him tonight was a little strange, as it always is, because I am always struck by how attracted I am to him. He has the loveliest hands... And I couldn't stop looking at them tonight. But the strange feeling tonight was exacerbated by the realization that I know his ex-girlfriend - she is a friend and co-worker of J___ T____. She is the one he was dating right before he and I started dating. The one who wanted to still be with him (I think I am remembering that correctly). The one who sounded similar to A____ in the role she played in their relationship and the role A___ played in ours. They are still friends and, by way of J___ T____, she was my connection to the party tonight. Tonight, when I saw him there, after I said hello to her, he said, "Is ____ your connection to this party?" And I said yes and asked how he knew her. "This is ____," he said, with a smirk in his tone. And then it hit me. I understood why her name always seemed kind of familiar to me. And I had to laugh. This was the ex-girlfriend, who clearly did not know that he and I knew each other, let alone dated (confirmed later by the fact that she asked me how I knew him) or that I still ache for him. It added a level of complication to my feelings about him. But drama is only what you make it. And there is nothing to see here. No drama.

Meanwhile, all I want is for him to give me another chance. I think we could be really good together. Or not. But I want to really give it a fair shot this time. Though I understand that many people don't get one chance, let alone two. And so why should I?