Rumor has it that Wesley Clark is making some sort of announcement on Inside Politics today regarding his potential candidacy. People are also talking about a Clark/Dean ticket (though I am not sure in what order). I have to admit, Clark is a compelling candidate. I do like Dean, and I do think Dean can win (the nomination and the general election). But I also think Clark would have an easier time of it. I would like a Dean/Clark ticket, I think...Either way it went. Though I really like Dean at the top of the ticket.

Great article by David Talbot today on salon.com. Check it out You may have to scroll through some ads if you are not a subscriber).

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Buzzie paid me the nicest compliment today. She told me that she has noticed over the last few months or so that I have gotten less defensive about things. That I seem more willing to be vulnerable...This is a compliment because I have been working so hard to get to such a place. To be nicer to myself (and therefore require others to be nicer to me!), to let people see the not-so-strong sides of me. I have found that it makes such a difference in the quality of my life. First of all, it is exhausting to spend all that energy doubting myself. And it is more fun when people can see all sides of you...it's easier...a weight lifted when you know that it's okay to not always know, to not always be right, to be sad once in a while, to get hurt. It sucks, for sure. But if you don't go through it you can't move past it. I really believe this. Not that you need to wallow. But if you don't feel your pain when it happens to you, you will never move past it to the next opportunity...because you will always be afraid of the pain you will never open yourself up to situations that, though they may cause much pain, have greater potential to bring joy and light. What's that saying, with great risk comes great reward? I trust now that this is true. Difficult to live by, but true nonetheless.

So I find myself in a position to really put this new sense of myself to the test! And it's not that easy to do! I mean, sure, when I am not in a difficult situation, when I am deling with my closest friends, it is easy to not be too defensive, to be vulnerable. But what about when I am in a situation like the one I am in...Can I still be honest about my feelings, even though it probably means I will be disappointed or hurt? Can I say that I am scared that because I was hurtful to him so long ago that he will be hurtful to me now? Can I admit that physical closeness with him is just not enough for me, that I want more, even though he says he can't offer much more right now? Can I really put myself out there like that? It's hard to admit these things to myself let alone to him. I mean, why mess with what it is right now - a fling...Who couldn't use a fling now and again? But for whatever reason, that's just not where I am right now.

I had a revelatory moment with myself today...I got home from his place this morning and I was exhausted, dragging my ass around my apartment and I passed a mirror...I don't usually look in the mirror for some reason (a whole separate topic for another time!)...but this time as I walked by I glanced. And I smiled at what I saw. Because as it turns out, I really like myself right now. And I actually said out loud, "Lynn (I refer to myself in the last name when I want to get my attention!), what are you doing? You deserve more than this." And so I do. Which is not to denigrate him in any way whatsoever. He is fabulous and if he were willing, I would want to try again...try for real. But as long as that's not what he wants, I can't do the other. I can't have the physical without the emotional. I never was any good at separating the two anyway.