Finally...Today I was able to exercise! The new JCC opened and I went for a swim. My workout was supposed to be 2400 yards. I think I managed to squeeze out about 1800 or so. Not bad considering I haven't been swimming in months, and I have been quite sick. But it felt so good to get into the pool...to stretch out...to breathe with rhythm. Finally, I feel like I am ready to start training again.

Today is Martin Luther King, Jr. Day so I don't have to work. Yahoo...I can't remember the last time I spent a full, 5-day work week in the office, between holidays, off-site meetings and being sick, I haven't been in the office for a 5-day week since early November! I like MLK, Jr. Day as a holiday. I think it's important that we, as a country, take a look at our progress on race in America, at least once a year (because let's face it, we rarely as a nation focus on the issue!). I think, too, that it's sad where we are today. In some ways things have gotten so much better and in other ways they have gotten worse, or, worse even than that, they have stayed the same. Tonight's Iowa caucuses should be interesting...hopefully they will bring us one step closer to putting racial issues back on the national agenda, where they need to be so we can effectively deal with them.

Yesterday was an interesting day for me. I decided to do some feng shui in my apartment...well, I was clearing my clutter in my closets. I came across my A___ box. I kind of forgot I even had that. Then, when I found it, I thought I would leaf through its contents and then throw them out. I don't need to hold onto that stuff, you know? I mean, on the one hand, I want to save every letter anyone has ever written me...but on the other hand, I don't want to sanctify anything about my relationship with him. So I figured it was time...

I opened up the box and right on top were some old pictures of us...one in Yosemite, one in SLO and one in Sausalito. Cute...but not keepers. Next up were some old journals. One of them was from summer 1997, before A___ and I even met. So I read it...and it was kind of insane. The beginning of the journal is all about how long it has been since I was in love, how much I wanted to "give" my love to someone, etc...Then I met A___. And the rest of the journal chronicles our courtship. It was kind of cool, actually, to read back on that. Of course, there was foreshadowing..."James," I wrote, "says A___ has a dark side. I can tell he does. And I think it's part of what attracts me to him. I want to show him my light." And from there I dove in, head first, to a thrilling yet painful four year ride.

I am glad I wrote it all down (but boy oh boy did I have a flair for the dramatic!). After our first month together I didn't write again for almost a year (I guess I was busy). And then when I did I began to write about "the issue" that plagued our entire relationship. From beginning to end. It was so strange to read my words from 1998...the same words I wrote in my journals in 1999, 2000, 2001 (also in that box!).

Then I decided to read some of his letters. I left the ones from France in the box...I figured those would be too painful to read. So I read the others...birthday cards, thank you notes, notes he left on my car after borrowing it, and others. There were letters he wrote when he was feeling "confused" about our relationship...when he wanted to break up but couldn't find the courage to do it and I didn't make it easy for him. For some reason these letters set me bawling. Not for missing him...I don't. I couldn't figure out why I was crying. Still can't totally understand it. I suspect I was crying for my loss...for the fact that I don't have anyone in my life to love the way I loved him. Or anyone who loves me the way he did...completely, unconditionally. It's funny how while we were dating I only felt his love for me in flashes...but reading these letters it comes through so clearly. And it made me cry that I couldn't know it at the time. And it made me sad that we aren't going to be together, regardless of the promises to come back to each other some day.

It was quite an afternoon. And instead of throwing it out, I shoved the box back into the closet. I think I still need the reminder around that love is possible for me.