Packing packing packing. What a pain in the ass. I am nearing the wire at this point...no, I am at the wire. I move on Thursday morning (courtesy of the Quest brothers) and, it being Tuesday, I would say I am right on the edge here. Things have been great since getting back from New York. It is gorgeous here in San Francisco but for some reason, that trip home to NYC has really made me open my eyes and my heart to the possibility that I may live somewhere else when these two years at school are up. The last week since I have come home have been interesting and, on some level, instructive. It's amazing how certain moments in your life offer an opportunity to see who is who...you know what I mean?

I am worried about my mom. Unemployment has got to be scary for a woman in her 50s. There is a part of me that thinks this is something I need to take care of. I can just picture the TV Movie of the Week, based on a true story of course, about the young woman who was facing a summer of travel and two years in graduate school (for which she had saved a lot of money) and she throws it all to the side to take care of her financially ailing family! I feel like I "should" give my mother the money I have saved for my education and take out more loans...or even just go back to work...put school on hold. But she hasn't asked me to do that. And unless and until she does, I am not going to offer. Does that make me selfish? I don't know...maybe it does. But I can't help it. I have worked so hard to get to where I am. It was tough to save all that money. And I want to do this next step. I am scared, sure, but I want it...I am ready for the challenge. And, if all goes well, I will have enough financial security after it's all over to help make sure my family always ends up on its feet. Anyway, it made for a stressful and distracting weekend.

So tomorrow is my last day of moving activities before the actual move takes place on Thursday. Then it's down to LA and then off to Europe...Should be fun. I am really excited to be going with Meredith. Plus it will be fun to see and stay with Keith. He is a good guy and he's tons of fun. So that will be nice.

It's weird to be moving AGAIN after just moving 2 years ago...and even more weird is knowing that I will again be moving in 2 years. It definitely inspires me to get rid of more of my shit than I might otherwise dispose of, you know?

Okay, well, I am feeling a little too tipsy to write much more. Ben took me out to dinner tonite and we shared a bottle of wine and, well, that's what wine does.

So I sign off again.

Just back from a week in New York City. I do love it there! My trip this time was like an episode straight out of "This is Your Life." I saw and connected with old friends from as early as kindergarten; friends from junior high school; friends from high school; friends from college; friends from my time living in Washington, DC; friends from my early San Francisco days; friends from the more recent San Francisco days...I even saw people I am about to go to school with - friends from the future, you may say. It was an awesome time - great laughs, great food, great yoga...in the greatest city in the world.

Most of the time, when I take a vacation or head out of town for any reason, it usually offers opportunities for reflection and self understanding, and this trip was no different. I think my biggest understanding after this trip is that there is nothing like old friends. Don't get me wrong, new friends are great...but it's like the song says, "Make new friends but keep the old, one is silver and the other gold." Once in a while I definitely make new friends that automatically feel like old friends, for whatever reason. And eventually, new friends can become old friends, over time of course. But there is something to be said for friendships that develop when we are young and vulnerable and for those friendships to evolve and for connection to continue into adulthood. This trip offered me a demonstration of the power of old friends - from the Howard Beach kids (none of whom I am in regular touch with but some of whom I could definitely see becoming adult friends with) to the Humanities crew (a group of friends that allow me to laugh my ass off no matter what paths our lives take and no matter how many years pass between our seeing each other) to the BU buds to the political/DC dudes to the early SF crew.

I guess this trip also taught me that newer friendships, no matter how deep they may feel, are more fragile than the older ones. It makes sense...by definition they haven't withstood the tests of time. But it's funny how now, at age 31, my "newer" friendships seem less able to weather the storms than the older friendships, which weathered storms during times when, as younger people, we were more vulnerable and less worldly. Maybe that's the lesson of this...that vulnerability is the path to deep connection. Hm...I knew that but...I guess this is another way to reinforce that.

It's been so long since I have written in this thing! To tell the truth, I am not even sure why I am writing today...at this point, I feel pretty certain that nobody reads this anyway. But yesterday I had a day that made me want to write about it.

Yesterday I did the Escape from Alcatraz triathlon here in San Francisco...and I had the thought yesterday that I had last year, which was, "there is no reason to do any other triathlon." Except, of course, Ironman. What a fun event. The distances are relatively short (1.5 mile swim, 18 mile bike, 8 mile run) and therefore entirely manageable. So training didn't run my life for the last month...it was just a part of my life. And then race day was a gift from God. In fact, as I looked out over the San Francisco bay from the San Francisco Belle (the boat we took out to Alcatraz island to start the race) I thought, "God gave us today as a gift." And for the rest of the day (well, the next three and a half hours, anyway) I kept that in mind. In fact, at one point as I was running down to Baker Beach and chatting with Natan, a fellow racer, I said, "Look at this day God has given us," and he looked up and then he said, "Thank you for reminding me to look. I somehow forgot to take a look around at this amazing day."

I loved this race last year (my first time doing it) when the weather was freezing and the water was scarily wavy...so naturally I loved every single second of it this year, when it was a shining, sunny day and the water was not only calm, it was moving in my favor. I swear I was smiling the entire time. I cannot wait to see pictures of it. I only wish some family was here to enjoy it, too. I know how much they all loved watching it last year and this year it was such a glorious day that they would have really had a blast.

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Ronald Reagan died. I know it's a big deal because he really was one of the most popular presidents America has ever had. And it's sad, too...it's sad when anyone dies (no less sad is the fact that Buzzie's grandma died today). And I do feel for Nancy, as she has been taking such care of him these last years and has managed to do so with grace and class (neither of which she got much credit for having while she was First Lady). I do feel for her and the rest of the family.

I am not looking forward to the next week, as the American media shoves Ronald Reagan down our throats - and not the real Ronald Reagan and his real legacy of trickle down economics, the Iran Contra affair, Star Wars, etc. They even did it with Nixon when he died. Given the fact that the Republican Party has tried to rewrite Ronald Reagan's true history and impact on this country (the fact that they attempted to take FDR off of the nickel and replace him with Ronald Reagan proves this point), the sad death of this American leader will instead become pathetic election year fodder for ghwb and his henchmen who will try to say that the current pResident is like a latter day Reagan. Ugh.

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Looking forward to my summer of leisure and travel...really looking forward to the PS 207 reunion...it's going to be INSANE seeing everyone after all this time. Other than Stephen Markman, Joe Macri, Rob Sena and Julianne Kowalski, I haven't seen any of these people since about 1986 when we graduated from Junior High School...it's going to be HILARIOUS. I think on some level it will also be cathartic for me...many of these people, especially the girls, have (without their knowledge, I am sure) had a major impact on my life - and not necessarily good. Going and seeing some of them as a 31 year old woman who is happy and successful and whose life is heading in a good direction will, I think, shut down some of the residual feelings I have about they way they treated me. Not that I feel like I have something to prove. It's more like I want to see them and, as I look into their eyes, I want to know that they never got the better of me, hard as they tried.

My computer crashed and they installed a new operating system...now my DSL won't work. Between that, a hectic work schedule, and trying to figure out the next step in my life, I think the blog goes on hold for a while.

It's been exactly a year since I started this thing...I started in response to the Iraq war that was developed, produced and directed by the media-savvy manipulators in the Bush administration. Now it's been a year since that war started and sadly, things there did not turn out well.

So, I am going to take some time to figure out my own path, and then I can come back to the important business of telling the world my opinions about the path our country and our planet should be pursuing!

Au revoir!

Two for two...

UC Berkeley! WAHOO!

Well, it's going to be ugly. All the polls are saying that voters who have made up their minds are not moving and those who haven't are hard to sway one way or another - until the personal attacks are raised...only then do voters feel compelled to take another look at one or the other candidates. So, it's going to be ugly...from both sides. And while I am fine with that, on some level, I guess I am somewhat wary that the Democrats can handle it. I mean, I was only 16 during the 1988 campaign but what "they" did to Dukakis that year looms large in my mind. So I guess I am a little scared that Kerry will wilt under the pressure of what is sure to be the most nasty attacks imaginable.

One week from today I hear from Berkeley. I hope I get in.

Mayor Bloomberg said today that he believes gay people deserve the same marriage benefits for their partnerships that straight people get. I wonder how it feels for gay people to have this national "conversation" going on around them as if they can't hear what people are saying. I mean, there are many people going onto the airwaves and in the newspapers talking about gay people as if they are this "other" thing...almost as if they aren't people. I suppose on some level by me talking here about gay people as a "them" I am doing the same. I don't know. All I know is that this movement to give gay people marriage rights as they are enjoyed by straight people isn't stopping anytime soon. And last week, as I sat in that restaurant in LA with Mer and her friends and heard them talk about commitment ceremonies and wanting to get married, Jen waking up next to her wife, Lucien waking up next to his husband...well, I got excited for them. I mean, the irony is that I am allowed to get married and I have yet to meet a man I want to spend my life with. Rinat is, legally, not allowed to get married but she and Lianna are as committed to each other as I hope to some day be to a man...

Anyway, I had my interview at Haas MBA program today. I can't decide if it went well or not. The whole day was pretty overwhelming...I mean, session after session, the same questions and information over and over again. Not too much food. And in the middle of all that, an interview. I guess I can be grateful that my interview was at 1pm and not 3pm. I think I may have been kind of wilty by 3pm. Anyway, I don't know how they decide who interviews you but I found it fascinating that my interviewer currently works at Levi's! It made for interesting conversation as I had to explain my short, four month stint at the company. I also thought it was interesting how different a background she had from mine. She was so finance focused and, well, I am clearly not. But I think that turned out to be a good thing, actually. Because I think she would be able to tell the Admissions Committee how someone "like me" would fit into a program where there are certainly more people "like her" than like me. Hopefully she sees that I would add value and dimension to the class and the program. But if not, you know, maybe that means I am not right for the program...so we will see. They are sending out decisions on March 15, apparently. So, one more week of wondering about Berkeley.

I did meet a cool girl today so if we both end up at Berkeley, at least I know there is someone I already connected with. She told me she applied to Stanford in Round One and got rejected. I don't know what kind of application I have compared to other people but I do have to say...I got discouraged. Oh well. As I have said many times before...it's out of my hands at this point.

There is so much going on in the world - in San Francisco, in the US and in the rest of the world...Things suddenly feel hectic and I can't really put my finger on it. Perhaps the best thing to happen in a long time is the issuing of marriage licenses to gay people here in San Francisco. I LOVE IT! It is really the most appropriate place for that kind of civil disobedience to happen and I love that it is happening where I live. I hear people say, 'Now is not the time,' to force the gay marriage issue...And I say, "Fuck that." There is never a good time to force a difficult issue - there is always a reason to wait another day. And believe me, nobody wants to win this election in November more than I do. But to act as if this gay marriage issue would be the reason the Democrats would lose...well, I believe that is a view put forth by people who want to blame everyone else when they lose and not take responsibility for their own role in the failure. So I think it's great that we are issuing marriage licenses here in San Francisco. And now it seems they started doing the same in New Paltz, New York! NEW PALTZ? And a town in New Mexico said it would be willing to do the same. And Mayor Daley in Chicago said he would sign gay marriage licenses if Cook County began giving them out. And it will go on and on. And I think it's fabulous. I cannot, on any level, understand why gay people should not be allowed to get married. I simply do not understand how anyone can make a distinction between two men or two women committing their lives to each other and two people of the opposite sex doing the same. Especially considering that heterosexuals, who have been the only people "allowed" to marry, have done quite a job degrading this "holy institution of marriage" so that we now have a 50 percent divorce rate. So, I ask, what exactly are people so afraid of? Perhaos they are afraid that gay marriage might actually work...that gay people might commit their lives to each other in this way - an added piece of paper for many who have already done so - and it won't fail. And then people would have to see their relationships as legitimate commitments. And we know they don't want to do that.

Tomorrow is primary day. I think it will be a clean John Kerry sweep...and if so, I hope John Edwards bows out gracefully. I mean, I am not worried anymore about having a united Democratic Party - I think we will. I am, however, concerned that the longer John Edwards stays in the race, the less likely he will be to be named Kerry's running mate. And I think they are a winning ticket. Yes, I know, there are many other qualified men and women around the Democratic Party that Kerry could pick. But the Kerry/Edwards ticket seems like a great one...one that the pollsters and strategists would imagine as a dream team...But if Edwards doesn't leave the race soon, I think Kerry and his allies will grow weary of Edwards' nipping and he will squander his chances.

So did the U.S. kidnap Aristide? I guess I don't put anything past our government so I would not be surprised if we did. Crazy shit, though. And so strange because it is happening so close to our shores (relatively). I must say, the Aristide/kidnapped storyline is interesting...but, you know, Americans don't really care, for the most part, about what happens to black people. Harsh, I know. But true. Look at the difference between how Cuban's seeking asylum are treated when they come to Florida and how Haitians are treated. So I doubt the Haitian situation will really be a worry spot for the administration. But it does concern me...it seems just one more indication of the arrogance of our foreign policy...how we swoop in, force our perspective on a situation and use fists and guns to make change, rather than seeking diplomatic solutions.

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Crazy weekend...so much fun with Taylor and Rocky on Saturday night...it was one of those crazy evenings that happens maybe once every two years. The boy was cute...I think. The Jesus license plate around his neck definitely gives me pause...but he was lovely and fun. Not too many men are secure enough, in my opinion, to tag along with three women (he just met) to a fancy dinner and late night karaoke and let loose. But he did. And I think it's hilarious that he had to go home earlier than we did because he was getting up in the morning to restore a riverbed or something like that...he is on the board of some nonprofit conservation group! Anyway, fun all around.

WOOHOO!

I got accepted to Columbia. So no matter what happens, change is happening for me this year. Apparently the year of the fire monkey makes this a year for great things to happen...so here we go.

WOOHOO!

Another invitation to interview...this time from Berkeley. That's two down, two to go. Sadly I have not heard one word from Harvard or Stanford. I have no idea how their processes work or what their timelines are...I only know that I will know something on March 31.

The news is kind of boring these days with no interesting primaries happening. There are a few primaries tomorrow but nothing major...Next Tuesday is the night to watch. I hope things wrap up shortly thereafter. I am ready for our party to get beyond the primaries, beyond Ralph Nader's egomaniacal grab for newspaper headlines and onto the business of defeating the right-wing machine that is currently running our country into the ground.

So much to say...since politics have receded from the headlines, I suppose they can recede from my blog for a moment. Earlier this week I learned that a co-worker's fiance had an anxiety attack while he was at work. I am not sure if I was supposed to know about it...but I did. So the next time I saw her I pulled her aside and asked her how he was doing. I told her about my experience dealing with anxiety back in 1994...she was, as most people are, surprised. I think people are surprised not so much that I dealt with such a real and debilitating mental health problem, but rather that I talk so openly about it. And so I explained to her why I am so open about it.

When I was dealing with my anxiety back in 1994 I was 21 years old. I didn't know it was anxiety that was waking me up in the middle of the night with a tight chest and tingling in my hands and feet. I thought I had poor circulation...eventually I convinced myself I had a heart condition. Eventually the anxiety did worse than wake me - it kept me from going to sleep. I was afraid to sleep because I thought for sure that I would have a heart attack in the middle of the night and die...somehow I convinced myself that if I stayed awake, I could keep the killer heart attack at bay. The anxiety also kept me in the house. Sure, I went out on occasion - I was 21 years old living in Washington, DC...I couldn't help but be social. But I always left early because my head would be spinning, I would feel a shortness of breath and that certainty of my impending death sent me home (after all, I would much rather die in my apartment than at Bardo or the Tombs!)...For months I struggled with the certainty that I was suffering from some scary disease but was too scared to tell anyone about it...I felt somehow ashamed about it. The only person I would ever mention it to was Behnaz...I don't know why she was a safe place to talk about it but she was. I called her often times in the middle of the night crying, explaining that I was afraid to go to sleep. She would invite me over to her apartment and let me sleep in her bed while she slept on the couch. She would put a "Sounds of the Ocean" CD on and tuck me in...Within minutes I was asleep. Eventually I bought my own copy of that CD (late one night I was so stressed about sleeping that I ran to Tower Records in Foggy Bottom, which closed at midnight, to get a CD so I could sleep in my own bed) and it was the only way I could ever fall asleep at night.

It all came to a head when I went to Boston with R____ one weekend in early June. We went out with Ted and his friend to some random bar in Cambridge...I was paranoid, certain that people were staring at me and that they knew about my secret. I got up to go to the bathroom and my chest felt so tight, my head so soupy, that I had to get out of there. I managed to convince the rest of them we had to go and so we left. R____, Ted and I went back to our hotel in Wellesley. I couldn't sleep, of course, and didn't have my CD with me to help. I went to the bathroom and started to throw up...My heart was racing, my head was spinning out of control. I couldn't take it anymore. I woke Ted in a panic..."Take me to the hospital, I think I am having a heart attack." He drove as fast as he could to the nearest hospital and I went to the emergency room. I explained my symptoms but when the nurse took my pulse it was normal. That didn't make any sense to me...They called me into the back of the ER and laid me into a bed. The doctor gave me two little yellow pills, which I found out later were valium. It was here that I found out that what I had been suffering from all those months was...ANXIETY. I was having almost daily anxiety attacks, made worse by the anxiety the attacks themselves cause. Also made worse by all the caffeine I was drinking...in order to stay awake at my two jobs (the first one was 7:30am til about 4:30pm...then I headed to the restaurant where I was working and worked there usually until at least midnight, often times later. Then, to not be held captive by my need to work two jobs, I went out - just about every night - with my restaurant co-workers to the Red Lion (a bar next door)). So, I would get a double latte at Dean & DeLuca every morning on my way to work. Once I was done with that, I would break into my jug of iced tea that I made every night at home - several tea bags steeped into about a gallon of water...Then, when I got to the restaurant, I would drink iced tea all night long (since I didn't drink soda). Needless to say, that's too much caffeine for one person!

The ER doctor ordered me to immediately go cold turkey on the caffeine. I couldn't even do decaf. He should also have ordered me to undergo a psychaitric evaluation (I know that now!)...But he did tell me that I had too much stress in my life. Between the two jobs - both of which I hated, the long distance relationship and my slowly but surely dying grandma, I was about as taxed as one 21 year old woman could be! So, I cut out my coffee habit and got a new job - one that paid enough so I could quit the restaurant gig. The anxiety went away temporarily but crept back in as my grandmother's health worsened, I moved into my own apartment and my boss at the new job took to verbally abusing me! When my Grandma died, that was about all I could handle. I started to have dreams that my teeth were falling out. It felt so real...apparently those kinds of dreams are anxiety dreams...and so it was back in full force. All the Sounds of the Ocean CDs in the world couldn't make my stress and fear go away. Nothing helped me to feel in control. And I still felt too ashamed to tell anyone what was going on...I mean, some people knew (like R___ and my mother and sister) but not many. So, I quit my job and left DC to move home with my mom...I then made my way out to California where, miraculously, the anxiety attacks stopped. Therapy had to help! Sure, every rare once in a while I will have one...but at least I know what it is...know that I am not in fact dying and know that it's an opportunity to take stock of what's going on in my life and my head so I can get a handle on it. Of course, now I am 31, not 21 - big difference. And I am not ashamed by it anymore. In fact, I have found that by talking about it, I have helped a lot of other people come to terms with their own anxiety. Having gone through it, I was able to have compassion for A____ when he had anxiety. I remember talking to Vaness about it a couple of years later and she said she had experienced the same thing but never talked to anyone about it. Then I talked to M___ F____ and he said the same thing. It occured to me that more people suffer from this thing than we realize and most people are ashamed or afraid to talk about it. But when people meet another person who went through it - someone who is smart and appears to have their shit together - they realize they are not alone, they are not "crazy" and then are not less-than.


Wow, that was a ramble...and I left out so many details...but I had to get it down. I will fix it up later.

So I hope K____'s fiance is okay. And I do hope he gets some help

And next on the agenda, for another non-political day, is my favorite topic - DATING! I need to explore this idea about men who may be off-limits because your friends have a history with them or are interested in them...Usually my moral compass is reliable and I can figure these things out for myself. But once in a while I need clarification. Writing it out usually helps!

For some reason I am feeling more and more anxious about school...I wish I would hear from someone already! Even if it's just a rejection...something to feel as though things are moving along. I mean, my Columbia interview was two weeks ago...how long does it take them to notify after an interview? BB said he interviewed someone and shortly thereafter they were notified by the school...I know each candidate is different but I just wish I would hear something. I think part of the reason I am feeling antsy is that I am starting to formulate a plan for my summer and it's starting to sound really great - traveling throughout Europe, meeting up with friends, following part of the Tour de France, heading back to the US and working or volunteering at the Democratic National Convention...that takes me to the end of July...then I can head back to San Francisco, welcome Beep's new baby into the world, and get my things together and move across the country, or get my things together and move to Palo Alto, or get my things together and move into a cheaper apartment around here. Then I turn 32 (!) and then Buzzie has her baby...then it's back east to Peter's wedding...and school starts. See, it all fits so nicely together...and as soon as I get word - one way or another - I can plan my summer...I can't plan much beyond that, though, because as they say, "life is what happens when you are making other plans."

Interesting night in Wisconsin tonite...John Kerry won - and a win is a win is a win, whether by five percentage points or by fifteen. but John Edwards had a good showing for sure...though apparently (according to CNN) a lot of Wisconsin Republicans voted for him. I think you can read that one of two ways: Either he appeals to Republicans and would be a good choice against GWB; or Republicans set out to spoil John Kerry's lead because GWB and his party know that Kerry is the most formidable opponent he will face and as of today, Kerry would win.

I can't believe Steve Grossman quit the Dean campaign. I mean, I can believe it. Of course...Dean's campaign is pretty much out of juice...but I guess whenever I see Steve's name in print I am surprised. He has really become such a player in the Democratic Party since I used to work for him back in 1992...I remember so clear his son, Josh, who feel in love with me when he was just three years old! He called me Gummi Bear Marcy...So years later when Steve became the Chairman of the National Democratic Party, I guess I couldn't believe it...I mean, I had this old connection with this man who was now a major player. And then he ran for Governor of Massachusetts...he lost, unfortunately, but I emailed him during his campaign and he wrote back, reminisced a bit and was generally kind and upbeat. Then I read that he was the national Chairman for Howard Dean's campaign...and I am not going to lie, it definitely had an impact on me. Though I never thought Dean would be the guy, the president...I liked what he had to say and my first look was certainly related to Steve Grossman's involvement.

So when I read today that he left Dean's camp and that he was heading over to Kerry, well, I got a warm feeling. I was surprised he wasn't with Kerry from the beginning...just with the whole Massachusetts connection...but he is going there now. So, it makes me feel even better...and even more connected to the Kerry campaign...all my old colleages seem to be already there or heading that way...so by the time I am ready to commit to him, it might be like going home. Okay, so perhaps that is a bit dramatic...but still, I am getting more and more excited for the upcoming campaign.

Wesley Clark officially dropped out today. Truth is, he looked more spirited and upbeat at his campaign closure speech than he has looked for most of the campaign...it seems he just hit his stride! And he pledges to campaign for the Democratic Party, which is awesome...for the Party and for him...I get the feeling that he will run for elective office sometime soon in Arkansas...unless Kerry wins, in which case General Clark can be Secretary of State. If I was slightly less realistic, I might do my cabinet wish list right here and now...VP - Edwards; State - Gen. Clark; Attorney General - Eliot Spitzer (it will never happen but it's nice to dream!!); Labor - Gephardt...Okay, I will stop now. Anyway, now that things appear to be narrowing, and Kerry seems to be running away with it, I am starting to get excited and also nervous...I am ready to jump in, lend a hand. I really think I want to hold a fundraiser of some sort this summer.

Speaking of this summer...I don't know why I expected that all schools start in mid to late- September...but it seems Stanford is the only one that I applied to that starts in this time frame...Berkeley starts on August 9! MY BIRTHDAY! Imagine I got into Berkeley and had to start school on my birthday? I wonder if I will get called for an interview...they start sending out interview invitations at the end of this week...and basically if you don't get an interview, you don't get in...so now I get to stress about whether or not I will be invited to interview. And it sounds like the interview date for locals is March 6. So, I guess I will see what happens. And I still wait to hear from Stanford and Harvard and, of course, Columbia. Seems weird that Columbia was one of the last applications I submitted and yet that application seems farthest along. Oh well, there really does not appear to be any rhyme or reason to this process. I do hope I get in, though...at least to one location...I think if I did, I would immediately give notice. But I have to admit, I hope I get in more than one place...and I hope I get into something locally. I am trying not to think too much about it because the truth is, it's out of my hands at this point. I think it would be fun to have a business school blog...so if I get in, I think I will do that!

And things in the romance department are slowing down...or seem to be. BB and I...it's just not seeming to happen. I don't know how I feel about him...can't decide if I like him or rather how much I like him and the way we are going, I don't know that I will ge the chance to figure it out. I don't know what the issue is...it's like, we just aren't that into each other. Like there maybe isn't chemistry...we can't tell. But at the same time, we aren't really taking steps to be able to determine if there's anything there. And I guess I am putting it all on him...I guess I am still skittish and unwilling to take the lead or the initiative...So I tend to spend a lot of time thinking about what he's not doing right, what I don't like about him, why it's not working. Jess said that it sounds to her like I don't like him very much...or if I do, I am not really signaling that. But my question is, how do you know? I mean, how do you know if you like someone? How do you tell the difference between liking him and wanting him to like you? How do you tell the difference between not liking him and not knowing him well enough to know if you don't like him or you just don't know him? Does that even make sense? As I have continued to say, we shall see. I know it is incumbent upon me to say something...but the truth is, I am sick of talking about things with him...I want things to just happen. One way or another, it doesn't seem like there should be quite so much talking. So I have a feeling it will fade...And if he calls me, well, if he calls me and asks me out, I will go and that will be my last effort...and if we go out, I will bring it up...tell him what I want from him in order to get to know him better - to see if I like him or if there is any chemistry (which Jess says I haven't yet done). And we will go from there. In the meantime, I am going to continue what I have been doing...meeting other people, keeping my mind and my heart open. And I will stay away from the only one that really catches my attention right now...he's still off limits and despite our history and our clear connection, I need to remember that.

John Kerry won tonight in Virginia and Tennessee...Wesley Clark, the only candidate to whom I sent money (in an effort to ensure he got a fair shot in the race I sent him $50...he seemed to need it the most!) appears to be dropping out. The field continues to narrow...and though Edwards tries hard to spin this as a two man race between himself and Kerry, the real two man race is between Kerry and Bush.

I did hear someone on CNN tonight say that the Democrats are talking about announcing the VP choice sooner than the convention, just as I suggested...chances are they didn't get this idea from me...but it does make me feel smart to know that I thought of it myself...didn't have to hear it on Larry King Live to know it was the right thing to do...shit, I thought we should have done it that way in 2000.

Anyway, I am psyched that we are narrowing in on our guy...I think I will throw a fundraiser for him this summer...that will be fun - a house party fundriaser for my former boss...maybe I will even volunteer on the campaign during the month of August. I would love to volunteer for the convention...I should call Jim King and get on that...

John Kerry appears unstoppable at this point...he swept the primaries/caucuses of the weekend (Washington, Michigan and Maine)...I can't imagine there is much that will stop his ascent to the position of party nominee at this point...The only problem I have with it being over so early and with the press basically anointing him the nominee is that he doesn't get to be hammered by his opponents, we don't get to see how he weathers the blows...he is going to get hit so hard by the Republicans, it would have been good for him to feel some of the heat early so he can get used to it...though I will say, his 96 reelection campaign was no cakewalk...well, we shall see. I am getting excited...he seems like a good choice, he seems like he really wants to win...he has found his fire, which I think is crucial to success...Sadly, I am not convinced that we will win...but I am looking forward to the fight!

It has been an absolutely stellar weekend here in San Francisco. The weather, with the exception of some minor rainshowers Friday evening, was flawless. And I had a fabulous weekend to go right along with the fabulous weather! It was great to see Sara and catch up...it's been so long since we got to hang out and just have quality girl time...her boyfriend seems nice, if a bit older...but you know, she deserves someone to be nice to her...and he seems to be. I doubt she will end up with him long term, but for now it seems to be working for her. Then on to the Danny Hoch salon on Friday night at Trell's place, which was great. It was fun to see him after having not seen him for something like 16 years! I am so happy for him and so happy for his success. And it is well deserved. What he is doing as an artist is amazing, putting words and voice to a generation trying to find its own voice. And his knowledge - of history, of theater, of politics - is impressive...The way he uses those to form his work is just awesome.

Then Saturday I had a lovely "date" with BB. We went to breakfast and then the Farmer's Market and then the bookstore. That was supposed to be it...but then we ended up running some errands and grabbing lunch, too. I had a nice day with him...he is funny and fun to hang out with and sometimes I feel so comfortable with him...whatever it is, I feel some kind of ease and connection... but only sometimes. But then other times I wonder what the hell am I doing there. We are so different in so many ways (he said he would vote for Bush!!!). He talks so much, which I like...but sometimes I feel like I can't get a word in edgewise...and then when I do, I feel like he isn't necessarily totally listening. And he isn't much of a communicator...sometimes we start talking about things that are perhaps uncomfortable or exposing, and he will say, "I have never had a conversation like this with anyone..." and I can't imagine that...And there is not much affection. Rather, he does not seem to be especially affectionate - or at least towards me, which may be telling after all. So I say "date" because I don't know if we are actually on dates...or are we just friends spending the day together? I just don't know how I feel about him and what, if anything, I want from him or from this thing we are doing...part of me thinks it will never work out and part of me thinks it could be really great...but deep down, in my gut (which Buzzie reminded me today, is the place I need to go to in order to really know what I want), I don't see it happening...not sure why...well, actually, yes I am...I don't think we are an emotional match...I don't think he is emotionally generous in the same way I am and I can't see myself spending much time in something that doesn't feel warm and soft and engaging...and that is that. Whatever...time will tell, right? I feel the end is near...either because he will end it or because I will...I am nearing a tipping point; this thing is going have to head in one direction or another...and I sense that I am not on the verge of a relationship with this guy...I guess I am prematurely sad at the idea of it ending...can't tell if that's because I like BB or because endings are sad.


Anyway, that was Saturday day...then Saturday afternoon the monkey came up to the city...we went for a short run, had some wine and then dinner and then headed to see Danny Hoch's show, "Jails, Hospitals & Hip Hop" at the JCC. It was a great performance and I felt strangely proud of him...Then we headed to North Beach for the party in honor of Tracey Gropper to raise money for breast cancer...It was an okay party...It was fun to go dancing with the monkey and it was nice to see some folks...it was a weird collision of my triathlon world and my Jewish community world...somethng about it was uncomfortable for me and I want to think about and explore that some more! And of course I was a little put off by Madje and her veiled anti-semitic remark...(and of course Jay and his littering...who litters in 2004??) But the monkey and I left and came back home, stayed up talking until 230am. Then this morning Buzzie picked me up at 830, we hit the Grove for breakfast and then took a nice long walk on Crissy Field. The weather was just phenomenal and we had such a great time catching up, talking about everything, from BB to pregnancy to business school to politics to hip hop...you name it, we talked about it. Then Rocky and I went for a nice long swim and then got some lunch...I came home, read the paper and took a nap! Then BB called and woke me...and now I am watching some TV and getting it all down on "paper."

The highlight of my week this week was the Tu B'Shvat seder I went to on Thursday night. It was so lovely...I cannot believe I have never heard of this particular Jewish holiday...but I swear, I have never felt more Jewish and more connected to being Jewish than I did that night...The way the Rabbi talked about spirituality and its connection to the earth...the way he talked about fruit being an extension of God...I never related more to a Jewish concept...It's so strange because I have always felt that I most believe in God when I am eating a piece of fruit...I never peel an orange without knowing, in my soul, that there is a God (and I eat an orange almost every day!). And to have that feeling turned into a Jewish holiday...well, I was beside myself...

The highlight of my weekend was when Buzzie asked me if I would be in the delivery room when she gives birth later this summer...I couldn't believe it...what an honor for me...I am sure it will be freaky and scary and probably more than a little bit gross, but I am so thrilled to be there and help her and support her through it...

WOOHOO! According to a Gallup poll, if the election were held today, John Kerry would comfortably beat Bush and John Edwards would also beat him (though by a smaller margin). That's what I needed to hear. For sure, there is a long way to go...There is a lot of time until November and the Republicans have a shitload of cash to burn on trashing our nominee. Not to mention anything can happen and we just can't foresee or plan for it...I do believe, though, that the momentum is in our favor and Bush is just one big fuckup and if anyone can screw things up he can...I think he used up all his daddy favors...no Supreme Court will appoint him to his second term! I still like Clark...he's a good guy with a unifying ability, I believe. He is an asset to our party. But I am happy to jump on the Kerry bandwagon, as soon as it's the only wagon left (but not sooner). I do like him...and I have the loyalty thing going, seeing as he was my former employer and was also responsible for me getting my first job out of college. But I am going to wait...until he is the nominee. And if it isn't him...I will back whoever it is. Because at this point I would be happy with any of the three real contendersn- Clark, Kerry or Edwards...

Sadly, the excitement of what is shaping up to be a fantastic Democratic primary race is tempered by the seemingly ceaseless media whoredom!! John Kerry won five of seven states today (good for him!) and the talking heads on CNN were acting as if there were three winners tonight - Kerry, Clark (won one state) and Edwards (also one won state - his home state!)...I mean, I love Clark and I like Edwards. I am psyched they both did well in the one state (each) that they needed to do well in. But come on...Kerry won five states out of seven, by wide, comfortable margins. And he did this just one month after he was all but pronounced dead by those in the (pretend to) know. So give the guy his due.

This is a great story.

Big day for the primaries is coming...can JFK (the 2004 version) go seven for seven?

The blog, as it turns out, is only a moderately fulfilling expression device for me. I think it's because I am aware that other people are reading it...I always suspected I would be able to write for an audience without being inhibited by the audience (I am not inhibited by much as it is!). But I am finding it harder and harder to do so. And so I wonder if time for blogging has come to an end...and I wonder if this means I will not be able to be a successful writer some day because of this new self-counsciousness?

Today in yoga I was laying in savasana, the last one before we do final breathing, and I noticed that the sky was a beautiful blue, tinged with some yellow...The sun seemed to be setting...and I suddenly realized that the sun hadn't set yet. It was 5:30pm and it was still light out! I get so excited about the time moving in the right direction. Longer days, more sunlight. If only I was allowed to work out!! Well, at least I am allowed to do yoga. That's a start. And maybe Monday, when I go back to the doctor, she will tell me that I can swim and run. I think biking will be the last thing to come back...which is good, I guess, because by the time I am allowed to bike again, I will be so motivated to do it...which helps. Still, I don't think I will do Ironman this summer. And actually, since I decided that, I feel somewhat relieved.

I got an invitation to interview at Columbia! I meet Monday morning, 7am, with a Columbia alum. We are going to breakfast. I hope it goes well. I don't really feel nervous...more excited than anything. I guess it's been a long time since I have had an interview of any kind...Well, I am sure he will ask the basics like, Why Columbia? Why now? Why you? I should be able to answer each of those pretty well. The "Why Me" question might be tough because it forces me to forego humility for a few minutes...something I am none too good at doing! Well, I am sure I will figure it out.

BB continues to confound me. I do think I like him. I guess I will just leave it at that and see what happens. I don't know...I have never gotten to know someone this way before. So slowly and with such trepidation. Well, maybe it's good for me. Either way, I am learning a lot about myself through the process. I am learning to focus on what I want. I am learning that I get to choose, too. I don't know if he's the right one for me...And I am not sure how I am going to figure it out...But I guess that's what dating is, right? The thing is, I know that I am unlike other women he has known. I think I am unlike most women, generally...I don't play by "the rules" - or any rules for that matter. I say what I am feeling (though I am getting better at filtering and moderating that) and I ask others to do the same. I show up, I engage, and I don't play games. I can see that this can be scary for some people...I know that my sister is a lot like this (only more intensified) and I know that some people can't really handle it. So maybe BB can't handle it? I don't know. A___ loved it about me...but he wanted it for himself. He sucked it out of me hoping that by doing so, he would make it his own...So, it will be interesting, in this phase of my life, to see how my quirkiness flies on the dating scene!

I feel better and better about George Bush losing in November. Gosh, what will I do if he doesn't? I don't know...I can't even think about that possibility. Clark/Kerry/Edwards...those are our guys...Clark/Kerry would be a good ticket. Kerry/Edwards would be good...and I bet Edwards/Kerry would be good, too. I don't see Clark at the bottom of the ticket...and Clark/Edwards...I don't know...it doesn't really work for me. Plus, much as I like him, Clark, I think, isn't going to get there...he proved a little too green for this kind of election...Maybe he will be Secretary of State or something...that would be a good role for him...Or Secretary of Defense so he can turn that shit around..fix up what Donald Rumsfeld has totally annihilated. The possibilities excite me. I hope that once the nominee is determined (it's looking like that will happen in early March), he chooses his running mate and they begin campaigning right then...I always wished Al Gore did that in 2000...and I hope the Dems do it this year. I really think it's a winning strategy. Why wait until July or August to name our team? Especially if it's Kerry/Edwards...I think with two of them out on the stump around the country, they can raise that much more money and get people really excited. Why not? Bush/Cheney is already running as a ticket, why can't we? If only I was a muckety political consultant...this is what I would be suggesting as I made the rounds on the Sunday talk shows!

Seems my dad found the blog. I may be shutting it down...no offense dad, but this is not a good subsitute for a relationship...and I don't want what I write here to be in anyway compromised by the fact that I know my estranged father is reading it. It's bad enough that I know my mother reads it! But at least I already tell her pretty much everything anyway.

Weird. Well, I will see how it goes, now that I know he's reading it...and if I can't do it, I may shut it down and go back to the archaic written journal!

All is looking good at my second post-op follow up with Dr. M. She's awesome...she is so kind to me, as is AP, the nurse practitioner. BaySpring Women's Medical Group...they are a fabulous group of compassionate and expert doctors. All healing seems to be going well and I know it's because of Dr. M's skill, as well as the entire staff's TLC.

New Hampshire primary tomoro nite. Should be interesting. And I think I have a date with BB. That's good, otherwise I might be glued to the TV all night...well, I might be anyway when I get home! I am pulling for John Kerry and Wes Clark to make a good showing...I would love for the race to be between the two of them from here on out. Though I am troubled by Clark's seeming flip flop on the choice issue. I have to look more deeply into that. So it's onward and upward with the primary season. After New Hampshire comes primaries taking place in states that represent a cross-section of the US and ought to really give us a sense of who stands where in terms of national appeal. That means people will really start paying attention and the race will truly be underway.

Today was the Third Annual Louie Tri...What a great day, even if it was freezing out! I am so glad I was able to be in good enough health to follow through my commitment as Volunteer Wrangler! So many people showed up, stood around dutifully in the frigid weather and cheered and assisted the athletes, all in the spirit of Louie, our dear departed friend, teammate and fellow triathlete...I was proud that I was able to get so many volunteers there, and that it all seemed to go so smoothly...even though I am not on the team anymore, and my work with the Leukemia Society is limited to these random volunteer events and helping Coach Wayne fundraise, I am thrilled to maintain some connection to this cause that has given my life a spark that it didn't have before.

I think I may bail on Ironman this year. I was up in the middle of the night thinking about it and I just don't know if I have the fire in me. I admit, the health issues have played a role. I don't want to start Ironman training in March...that just doesn't feel right, and it makes me think I will be stressing about mileage and fitness...and I would rather do it in a way that allows me to have fun and feel good about my commitment. There is just so much going on for me this summer that I want to be able to enjoy. I want to travel and I don't think I want to just squeeze it in in August...I would rather travel end of June and July and be back in SF for the birth of Beep's baby and of course of Buzzie's baby...and get my crap together and think about school (godwilling I get in!) and be able to do it without too much time pressure and Ironman pressure. So I am leaning against doing it. I need a few more weeks to decide. I know I was going to decide by the new year, and I did...but I think part of me decided to do it in the hope that I would soon get inspired. But I think my body, with all the sickness and other issues, is trying to tell me something. So perhaps I will do Wildflower and Alcatraz and maybe even Pac Grove...that can be enough for me...and then, of course, NYC Marathon...I just don't want any regrets. And I need to make sure of that.

What a week. I have felt so loved and cared for this week. But also very lonely. The surgery was quite an ordeal, I must say. But so many people showed so much concern and love for me. Everyone was gentle and caring and I think it has really contributed to my healing. But at the same time, surgery, or the emergency room...these things made me feel very alone. As much as I loved Buzzie and Ry being there for me...as much as I appreciated it and am so grateful for their love and friendship, it was one of those times when I felt so glaringly single. And as nice as BB has been...and he's been much nicer than I would have or could have expected or hoped...but as nice as he has been, he's not my boyfriend...I can't rely on it. And that is just kind of sad, I guess. I don't know. I am actually in good place with my singleness, after that weird experience with the "A___ box". And I have enjoyed this time with BB, just hanging out and talking on the phone for hours...no pressure, no expectations. But I guess I just want to know that there is an end in sight...that there will be a day when I won't have to go to the emergency room alone, or have someone else's husband bring me flowers in the hospital.

Well, the Iowa caucuses are over. John Kerry won. I am happy about that. I mean, he is someone I could support. I am still undecided, leaning Clark. But Kerry is a good one. I liked him a lot in the beginning of this whole thing. I did, after all, work for him back in the day. The one thing I have always liked about John Kerry is that he surrounds himself with awesome people...people with smarts and integrity. I met them when I worked for him in Boston and then I went to work for many of them in DC. Jim King, Kerry's former Chief of Staff in Boston and my former boss at my first job in DC, is one of the smartest and most honorable men I have ever met or had the privilege to work for.

So, today was a good day in Democratic politics.

On to New Hampshire.

Finally...Today I was able to exercise! The new JCC opened and I went for a swim. My workout was supposed to be 2400 yards. I think I managed to squeeze out about 1800 or so. Not bad considering I haven't been swimming in months, and I have been quite sick. But it felt so good to get into the pool...to stretch out...to breathe with rhythm. Finally, I feel like I am ready to start training again.

Today is Martin Luther King, Jr. Day so I don't have to work. Yahoo...I can't remember the last time I spent a full, 5-day work week in the office, between holidays, off-site meetings and being sick, I haven't been in the office for a 5-day week since early November! I like MLK, Jr. Day as a holiday. I think it's important that we, as a country, take a look at our progress on race in America, at least once a year (because let's face it, we rarely as a nation focus on the issue!). I think, too, that it's sad where we are today. In some ways things have gotten so much better and in other ways they have gotten worse, or, worse even than that, they have stayed the same. Tonight's Iowa caucuses should be interesting...hopefully they will bring us one step closer to putting racial issues back on the national agenda, where they need to be so we can effectively deal with them.

Yesterday was an interesting day for me. I decided to do some feng shui in my apartment...well, I was clearing my clutter in my closets. I came across my A___ box. I kind of forgot I even had that. Then, when I found it, I thought I would leaf through its contents and then throw them out. I don't need to hold onto that stuff, you know? I mean, on the one hand, I want to save every letter anyone has ever written me...but on the other hand, I don't want to sanctify anything about my relationship with him. So I figured it was time...

I opened up the box and right on top were some old pictures of us...one in Yosemite, one in SLO and one in Sausalito. Cute...but not keepers. Next up were some old journals. One of them was from summer 1997, before A___ and I even met. So I read it...and it was kind of insane. The beginning of the journal is all about how long it has been since I was in love, how much I wanted to "give" my love to someone, etc...Then I met A___. And the rest of the journal chronicles our courtship. It was kind of cool, actually, to read back on that. Of course, there was foreshadowing..."James," I wrote, "says A___ has a dark side. I can tell he does. And I think it's part of what attracts me to him. I want to show him my light." And from there I dove in, head first, to a thrilling yet painful four year ride.

I am glad I wrote it all down (but boy oh boy did I have a flair for the dramatic!). After our first month together I didn't write again for almost a year (I guess I was busy). And then when I did I began to write about "the issue" that plagued our entire relationship. From beginning to end. It was so strange to read my words from 1998...the same words I wrote in my journals in 1999, 2000, 2001 (also in that box!).

Then I decided to read some of his letters. I left the ones from France in the box...I figured those would be too painful to read. So I read the others...birthday cards, thank you notes, notes he left on my car after borrowing it, and others. There were letters he wrote when he was feeling "confused" about our relationship...when he wanted to break up but couldn't find the courage to do it and I didn't make it easy for him. For some reason these letters set me bawling. Not for missing him...I don't. I couldn't figure out why I was crying. Still can't totally understand it. I suspect I was crying for my loss...for the fact that I don't have anyone in my life to love the way I loved him. Or anyone who loves me the way he did...completely, unconditionally. It's funny how while we were dating I only felt his love for me in flashes...but reading these letters it comes through so clearly. And it made me cry that I couldn't know it at the time. And it made me sad that we aren't going to be together, regardless of the promises to come back to each other some day.

It was quite an afternoon. And instead of throwing it out, I shoved the box back into the closet. I think I still need the reminder around that love is possible for me.

Still coughing...coughs are getting slightly more "productive" but I am still coughing. And according to the doctor, I can expect to be coughing for several more weeks.

It's so strange how you can feel sooooo sick - sick to the point where you are convinced you have some death-causing disease, where you can't imagine ever feeling good again, ever. And then a few days later, while you are not feeling 100 percent better, you are feeling, sounding and looking like an entirely different human being...one that is very much alive. That was me...sure I was hovering near death on Friday...today I actually took a shower (first one since Thursday). Okay, so I kind of had a date with BB (not sure if it was an actual date...we went to the movies, he paid and we kissed goodbye (on the lips)...we shall see). But more on that later. Yesterday, Taylor collected me early in the morning and took care of me all day long! She was like my little nurse. She made me breakfast and then taught me how to knit. We sat on her couch knitting, chatting and laughing for hours. She made me lunch, too. Then later, she got me some applesauce as a treat and then drove me home! So today I felt ready to actually leave the house and spend time someplace other than on a couch (though the seats in the theater are somewhat couch-like). So I went to the movies. With BB.

He called me yesterday. I was surprised to hear from him. I was in the middle of knitting a row and Taylor answered my phone for me. We didn't recognize the number (I don't have him programmed in...that's the first rule of moving on, by the way...taking the number out of the phone) so she picked it up and it was him. I told him I would call him when I got home later that night...he, like me, has been sick and so was laying low for the evening. We got on the phone at 8:30pm or so and didn't hang up for two hours. TWO HOURS. What the hell did we talk about? I guess we talked about a bunch of different things. Like, his mom's name is Judy and his dad's name is Freddy (Dr. Freddy). His best friend is Mike, but a lot of his best friends are back in Miami. He played guitar for me a little bit. I played him my favorite song on CD (Motherland by Natalie Merchant). It was kind of like I was in high school...it was a nice chat, though. We talked about "the situation." You know, what happened (or what didn't happen) between us. Him not calling. Why did he call now...etc. It was good, I guess. And then we decided to go to the movies today.

I had no expectation we would actually go to the movies. I was supposed to call him this morning when I woke up. I called him around 10:30 and his phone was off...it went straight to voicemail so I left a short message saying, "Call me if you still want to go to the movies." And I prepared to not hear from him. Then he called a few minutes later and said he definitely (his word, not mine) still wanted to go...we picked an approximate movie time and he said he would call me after breakfast with Tony. I futzed around the apartment, made some calls. Talked to Vaness and told her the update. I also told her I had no expectation that I would hear from him. But then he called. And he had gotten the paper and so we picked a movie (Something's Gotta Give) and he came and picked me up and we went.

It was nice. The movie was good. I cried because I am a sentimental wimp! The main character reminded me of my mom a little bit...I remember when my mom met that ASSHOLE Branch and she fell in love and he totally broke her heart. I asked her if she regretted it and she said no way...that loving like that made her feel so alive and that she only felt that pain because she got to feel that kind of love. Anyway, Diane Keaton's character says something similar in the movie...So, I cried...because I am a sucker for a love story, what can I say? After the movie he took me to get some food (my applesauce diet is no longer sufficient now that I am feeling well enough to chew!) and then took me home. Said he would call. I am not expecting him to.

I am a little bit saddened by the fact that I can't feel excited or hopeful about this turn of events. But I had a bit of a revelation...I realized that any relationship I have moving forward will be filled with this kind of skepticism, this lack of trust. At least in the beginning. And if it moves forward, slowly the skepticism is replaced by proof. It sounds so dry...lacking in romance...so calculated. But it's true. And I think knowing this...accepting this...that's kind of big for me. I am about ready to let go of the fairy tale. I can't believe it has taken me this long to realize I was holding onto it. I think I wanted something I could collapse into. Something where I would trust right away. And so would he. And we would be mad for each other in about five minutes. And that would be that. But I realized today that it's okay if it doesn't happen that way. In fact, it's probably not going to happen that way. And that's okay. Because I want to start something with my eyes open. With my head and my heart engaged. And so if I start out a little skeptical, like I am right now with BB, it's okay. And then each time he calls when he says he will, shows up when he says he will, keeps his word and shows me he likes me (whether it's BB or any other guy I meet)...well, I can be a little less skeptical. Until eventually, God willing, I learn to trust and be trusted. Love and be loved. HALLELUJAH. I think this was a big revelation.

God I feel like shit! Why am I sick, again? The doctor says that I probably never kicked the original sickness and so it just keeps coming back...so this time I am really going to get it! No training until this thing is gone...I think I was a little too gung ho to get back into things and then the stress of finishing up all the applications...I think it all just took its toll. It's no surprise that this little illness came on the day after the Columbia applications stress out! So I am going to take my medicine like a good girl and I am going to get better once and for all...start the training season right, if a little later than I would have hoped!

To quote my dear friend Rocky, "Boys are weirdos." This week has been particularly interesting. I think it's the combination of the full moon and the new year...really bringing out the men and their freakishness. Of course, grandpa is the cutest with his email about wanting to set me up with some of Gail's cousin's daughter's husband's eligible friends!!! Now I am officially Jewish! Not that I wasn't Jewish before, but I wasn't that kind of yenta-matchmakery Jewish that a lot of the Jewish women I know are! Anyway, he's adorable. He wants so badly for me to be married, God bless him!

Cannot believe I heard from BB!!! That takes some balls, I think. Even though he admitted that he is a total wuss! Anyway, just one of the many strange things that happened this week. Like Broadway and his interest in having the kind of relationship with me where we "cuddle" (I am guessing that is his euphemism for sex) and "sleep next to each other" (another one) without the pressure of a relationship. Now that takes nerve. He flat out asked me if we could just have sex every now and again without anything else! Um, no. That is what prostitutes do. Or characters on Sex & the City. Both of whom, by the way, are highly paid for that! No, that's not me. The nerve of even asking!

I am feeling more hopeful about the Democrats. I manage to tune out a lot of the bullshit because it really all sounds just like desperate bullshit. I am still not ready to actively campaign for Clark yet but he is shaping up to be my top choice. I don't know why, Howard Dean, who I started out loving, has lost me. I wish I was more interested in one of the candidates. I wish I had that passionate attachment to one of them so I could already start getting my campaign juices flowing. But sadly, I am not stirred to action just yet. I know a lot of other people are. And believe me, I am stirred to rid this country of the Bush menace. But I think I will wait until a little further along in the primaries (not that they will get too far along) and then make a choice. Then, no matter who becomes the nominee, I will fall in love with him. Because he will be our only hope and I need to have hope. That's what I did in 1992 - I was a Kerrey (Bob) fan...big time. I remember our road trip up to New Hampshire during the primaries to do some canvassing for him (our whole College Democrats club seemed to like him, except for that guy Jon who liked Tsongas). But when the nominee was Clinton, I fell in love with him. Because then, as now, I wanted to rid us of the Bush menace. Sadly, the original had already spawned.

I find it hard to believe that just two days ago I was driving around in a convertible in 84 degree weather with my mother and my sister! Now I am back in San Francisco, where it is both cold and raining and no sunshine is expected for a few weeks!!

It was so great to see everyone in Florida. Spending time with my family makes me wonder why I don't move back to the east coast...I do not plan to ever live in Florida but I do wish I could be closer to them. I hate that I only see my cousins once a year or so...all of a sudden Max is 16 years old! He got his driver's license this week! And Ian is such a cutie - nine years old and smarter than many adults I know! And Tara's kids are adorable...Zev is the such a hyper little boy and he is so fun to play with. Josh has such a sweet disposition and carrying him in my arms was soothing. Grandpa and Gail were a ton of fun...I am so glad he found her because she is an awesome lady and she makes him a better man. It's nice to hang out with Lori and David, too. I do love my family and I wish I could see them more. One of these days I suppose I will have to make a decision about what is important to me. I mean, I know that my family is important to me but my own happiness is important, too. I suspect that as I get older the two will come closer and closer to being the same thing. At some point I will have to decide.

The audio tape my mother found...of me and Donna "doing our social studies homework" in the seventh grade is ridiculously funny. First of all, my accent is atrocious. I cannot believe that I ever talked that way but I also cannot believe I managed to lose it as much as I did. I barely recognized my own voice. In fact, if someone told me that it is not actually me talking, I would readily believe it. I was some strange little twelve year old, that's for sure. I had SEX and BOYS on the brain in a big way!! Certainly not a mature outlook on either...but from the sound of this tape, all I wanted to do was talk about boys and my limited knowledge of various sexual acts (and various acts that are nothing near sexual but at age 12 they seemed sexual). It's funny because I don't remember myself as a boy crazy kid...A boy crazy adult, yes. But I just don't think of myself as having been boy crazy in junior high. Although I do recall really loving a few of them (Jon "Babes" Trippicione, James "Speedy" Nuques or however you spell it)...Anyway, this tape is hilarious - me and Donna playing "Who would you rather...?" As in, "Who would you rather have run his fingers through your hair - Danny Geller or David Friedensohn?" (This was an actual question). Too funny. Danny Geller seems to win every time he is one of the choices for me or for Donna. Funny considering I ended up hooking up with him in college! I also seemed to have been sweet on Robert Sena...Apparently I hated Joseph Macri and David Friedensohn (though I know I secretly loved David Friedensohn because to this day I think of him as a hottie). We managed to ask some truly sick questions - who would you rather "stick his weiner up your you-know-what..." WEINER!! or, who would you rather "pee in your hair..." Then there was, who would you rather "rub it in your hair..." assuming "it" is the weiner again. I always imagined that a retrospective on my youth would reveal the interesting characteristics of a studious, engaged, funny child...maybe someone would find my old diaries, the papers I wrote for school assignments, the video tape of my spelling bee competitions, my political debates with Beth Goldstein. I never imagined that the found records of my youth would include an audiotape of me imagining sexual acts with half the boys in my seventh grade class!

I should be working on my Harvard essays right now. I have to get them all finished this weekend. I think I can do it if I focus. But I should give myself a bit of a break. After all, it's New Year's Day and I was out late last night.