Knock on wood, after the head to toe lube last night, the itch seems to be gone (so far). I went to the laundromat tonite (I haven't been to a laundromat in years) and washed all my clothes, sheets, towels, etc. I think whatever causes the itching is in the clothes because right after loading the washing machine up, I got a little bump on my thumb...I am hoping all that cleaning - combined with the lotion - will make all the difference.

Heard from BB today...first time in almost three weeks (but who's counting). Not sure what his purpose was in contacting me (via IM, no less) but I also don't want to spend too much time figuring it out. Man's rejection, as Oprah says, is often God's protection. This feels true with BB. I am grateful for the protection from a man who would treat me poorly and/or with disrespect. I am grateful for the protection from a man who is clearly afraid of all I have to offer. I am grateful for the protection from a boy in a man's body.

I hope Vada finishes my business school recommendation.

I have some kind of a medical condition that is really driving me nuts. I don't know what it is or how I got it, but I am having some kind of random, itchy thing happen in various places on my body. My back. My legs. My feet. In between my forefinger and my thumb. My neck. My upper chest. Not all at once. One day it was just my legs. Another day it was my shins and my feet. Tonight it was my lower neck/upper back. I went to the doctor today to figure it out (it's been going on since last Thursday). Last Thursday my cleaning lady came. I also got my laundry done. So perhaps I am having an allergic reaction to one of these two things...perhaps the cleaning people used some toxic cleaning supplies to which my sensitive skin is reacting...I try to leave out my own supplies - the all-natural cleaning goods - but they clearly do not use them. So I was thinking that was it. Then I started to wear my freshly washed clothes...and the itching raged. So I thought maybe they switched detergents. Or maybe they washed my stuff in with someone else's and I am having an allergic reaction to one of those two things. So I got on the Internet and surprise surprise, there are tons of explanations for random itchy bumps. Shingles. Scabies. Hives. Generic allergic reaction to mites of some sort.

So I went to the doctor today. He doesn't think it's shingles. He doesn't think it's scabies (scabies is such a hideous word! I remember in college Liz C. had scabies - self-diagnosed - and I remember reading the description and thinking, "eeewwww"). It is kind of hive-ish, whatever it is. And it's clearly an allergic reaction. So I got all sorts of medicine. Creams and pills. And I have to change all my sheets, "butter myself up" with the medicinal creams, change the sheets again in the morning and then shower it all off. I also have to wash ALL MY CLOTHES that I have worn recently...get them out of the house. I have to vacuum and then throw out the bag (just in case). I have to take anti-histamines - non-drowsy in the morning and then super-drowsy at night. All this...and the itching may still continue for up to 14 days!!!! ARGH! One good thing is that I am headed out of town for a few days. I am going to ask the building to fumigate my apartment while I am gone. Seems like good timing and there certainly aren't mites at my mother's house.

Ugh. I am sick of scratching.

I sent another $25 to Wes Clark's campaign today. I am not sure why. He isn't thrilling me but my gut is telling me that he is the guy who can do it...who can beat George Bush. I just don't think Dean has it...sure, he excites a lot of people, including me at times. But I am beginning to think he is to the Presidential campaign what Matt Gonzalez was to the San Francisco Mayor's race...exciting to a particular, excitable portion of the die-hard population...and alienating to everyone else. I will say that Dean is good...his people are good. Today I got an email, not five minutes after sending my money to Clark's campaign, telling me how to donate gifts to the service men and women over in Iraq and ways to donate frequent flier miles to them because when they get their two-week furloughs, the US army flies them to the US but not all the way home and they have to figure out how to pay the rest of their way to see their families. He's good and he's got smart people working for him. But I just don't see him as the President. I cannot put my finger on it just yet. Clark...I don't know about him either...but I do know this: Lieberman certainly can't win, and I am not convinced that a vote for him is much different than a vote for GWB...I mean, sure, it's different. But he is too far right for me...we need a swing in the other direction. Kerry is good, too, but he took too long to get out there with an attitude and a message that could excite people. The media clearly have no interest in him getting the nomination and so I don't think he has much of a chance. All this brings me back to Clark.

I read something funny today on Salon.com. I read that Madeline Albright was in the Fox news studios and she made an off-handed, tongue-in-cheek comment to Mort Kondracke...something to the effect of, "I wonder if the Republicans are hiding bin Laden and are planning on bringing him out right before the election." i had to laugh, since this was precisely my sentiment just a few days ago. Of course, Kondracke pretended he thought she was serious and began reporting her comment on the news...his actions were fairly transparent if you ask me...and Albright was appropriately disgusted by him. Still, I got a good chuckle out of it. It might be shaping up to be a Bob Roberts kind of election season.


Had lunch with Broadway today. That's twice in one week that we hung out. As I told him today, we better pace ourselves. After all, we haven't hung out in about a year...don't want to go overboard as soon as we reconnect! He makes me laugh. He is definitely an interesting character. I am working on letting down my guard around him. I think I am getting better at it - and it's good practice for me. I want to be able to be more open and vulnerable with men. But when you have a history with someone, it can be hard. I have no idea where this friendship is going - if anywhere. At the moment I don't see romance in our future again. I am not quite sure why, perhaps it has something to do with the fact that I don't think he has quite let go of the idea of his ex-girlfriend. I no longer have judgments about that - just because I am over A___ and know there is no future for us does not mean that Broadway and his ex have no future together. Their relationship is their own and I do not know the first thing about it. Regardless, he is fun to hang out with...he makes me laugh and thinking about him makes me smile. I finally feel like we may be getting to know each other...a little bit of a clean slate between us and a chance to try honesty and openness. This is all good for me and part of my learning process.

Still no word from BB. I guess I think it's strange...but it is so far beyond my comprehension that I don't know what to make of it...clearly I missed something. Unless I didn't miss anything and my assessment has been right all along. Or perhaps this was his grand plan...I blew him off all year and then I finally agreed to go out with him, realized I actually could be interested in him, he waits for me to actually get drawn in and then WAMMO! he disses me - hard - to give me a taste of my own medicine. Not sure I deserve that but he didn't strike me as the most emotionaly mature so...maybe this is his way. Either way, I am happy to say goodbye to that one, as we approach the anniversary of our first encounter. Something about it seems fitting.

So, they caught Saddam Hussein. I woke up to the news on Sunday morning. When Trell said to me, "They got him!" I said, "Who? Osama?" But no...it was Saddam. Useless, pathetic, old Saddam (and after his capture several more bombs went off and more people died). I mean, we should be getting Osama...where is that guy? That's what I want to know.

But of course, it's good news that they got Saddam. I mean, that guy SUCKS. So, it's time he faced the music. But, I have to admit, there was a little part of me that thought, "Oh shit...this isn't good for the Democrats!" Unpatriotic? Maybe...but I couldn't help it. Then I made myself feel better by reminding myself that GWB will probably manage to fuck this one up anyway...so it's probably too soon to bemoan his good luck. The cynical part of me thinks that they know where Osama is and they are tracking him...and will "smoke him out" right around September 5 or 6 next year. Just in time to get the "bounce" for the election.

This Saddam business makes it more and more obvious to me that Dean cannot be our nominee. It's either Clark or Kerry, I think.


One of these days I won't be so tired. I am still behind on sleep from that weekend of Date #2, which was followed by a bad bad cold, which was followed by burning the candle at both ends trying to finish applications, stay engaged at work and run or do yoga once in a while. Plus...my mind has been expanding a bit these past few weeks as my emotional growth spurt continues...that's exhausting, too.

I had a nice evening with Broadway last night. It was nice to be around him, just hanging out, talking and sharing (especially him...he shared some very personal stories). The best part about it was seeing our walls come down as the conversation went on. At least, seeing my own come down (see what I mean about the growth spurt?). We exchanged some honest thoughts with each other, and he was so gentle, warm and generous with his. It has been a while since he has evoked a tender feeling in me...Of course, I cannot seem to shake him and I don't know what it will take for me to "get over it" with him. But last night I got to see again why I liked him in the first place...Why he has this hold on me, you know? It was nice.

One down three to go.

Application season is officially open.

Tonight was interesting. Went to see The Exonerated...Brian Dennehy and Stockard Channing were the famous faces in this week's show (every week they get another few famous actors to read a couple of the roles). I love them both as actors and I was excited for the night, even though I knew the subject matter would be intense and riling. We started out sitting in our seats talking about online dating...always a thrill (note sarcasm). And then the show started and the transition from jdate to death row was...I don't know...sort of jarring.

I am adamantly opposed to the death penalty. A show like The Exonerated only confirms that for me. There is no in between on the death penalty, as far as I am concerned. You are either for it or against it. Certainly if someone killed someone I love dearly I would want them killed - I would probably want to do it myself. But vengeance is not justice. And the death penalty is state sponsored vengeance. And it's wrong.

Gavin won. I have to admit, even thought I voted for him I am a little bit disappointed. It would have been kind of fun if Matt Gonzalez won. Although, things should get ineresting from here on out.

And Gore endorsed Dean. I don't know why people are so up in arms about that. I mean, it's huge for Dean. But that's the process...unions endorse early, other politicos endorse early...that's the name of the game. Yes, it's bound to have a big impact. But the primaries haven't even started yet. So what is everyone getting so worked up about?


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My flight today in that airplane was RIDICULOUS. Had I made a paper airplane and flown in that, it would have been only slightly smaller than that little piece of tin I was flying in today...I can't believe how hard I laughed through all the turbulence, especially considering how flipping scared I was! The pilot was great, though, and they didn't ridicule me too much!

You know, my Berkeley application is almost done...but I still have three more applications after that to finish! So as much as I will take a breather this weekend, I still have a mountain of work to do on the other applications.

God works in mysterious ways. I do not always claim to understand what the point is...in fact most of the time I have no idea what God is trying to teach me, only that s/he is definitely in command!!!

This morning I woke up in a tizzy about B.B. Buzz and I were on the phone at 7:30am, she was helping me get my head around the whole situation: do I like this guy for real or is he just a placewarmer? are the red flags I see real or are they my way of rejecting him before he rejects me? and mostly we talked about "WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT DATE ALL ABOUT, ANYWAY?" Imagine, two women trying to get inside the mind of a 34 year old man who is not comfortable expressing his honest feelings. So that was my morning. Splendid indeed.

So I went for a run with Taylor, to get it all out of my system. I realized that it's time for me to move on from this one. Two dates...two awesome dates. He's fun. But he's either not into it or he's scared. Both of which do me no good and neither of which I want or deserve. So we ran and we chatted and I sweated it out and it felt good.

Then we went to Whole Foods to get sandwiches and do some grocery shopping. And there I was in the bath products aisle, looking for some soap. And as I was trying to decide which soap I wanted, I saw on the bottom shelf the kind of soap that Broadway uses and I laughed thinking I better not get that soap. Then I hear someone say, "Oh....hi." And I look up and there he is. Broadway is standing there, looking quite adorable, just as I remember.

I haven't laid eyes on him in at least a year. There are many places I imagine I will run into him...Whole Foods never occurs to me as one of them. At least not Whole Foods at 2 on a Saturday.

My heart started beating fast. I hadn't showered after the run and my hair didn't look its glamour best! And here I was, face to face with Broadway. If, in that moment, you had asked me the name of the guy I was all worked up over this morning, I would not have been able to tell you. That's what Broadway does to me! There's something there...he's dangerous for me and today, of all days, I did not need to see him...

He asked me for my number (although he said he probably still has it). I gave it to him and I took his. He's single (I asked - he blushed). He said we should get lunch...I laughed as I walked away...And my head has been spinning for the past two hours.

I know that's God at work. I am just not sure how or what I am supposed to do with it.
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So far this year I have had four friends get engaged, five other friends get married, two people actually have babies and three other friends just announced they are pregnant. Sheesh...I am still single (with no fiance, let alone husband in sight) and childless (again, no baby in the birth canal any time soon). What am I missing?

Craig wrote us from Iraq and sent a picture! It sounds like it's still crazy over there...I hope he stays safe. I still cannot understand exactly what he is doing there...I mean, he said something about running some of the American bases in Baghdad...in fact, the one Bush visited is one of his, though he wasn't there for the surprise. He didn't even know Bush was there until he heard about it on the news! Crazy. Anyway, it sounds like he is in a safe zone, but he did say he travels around to other parts of Baghdad. He also said something that we have been hearing on the news a bit - that the insurgents have now turned their attention away from US soldiers and are attacking Iraqi civilians. The whole situation is so fucked up. I hope stays safe and comes home soon. He says he is only there for a year...I do hope he is not compelled to stay any longer than that.

On other matters...date number two went well. Better than date one. But I think that's to be expected. And actually, if your first date blows you out of the water every other date just has too much to live up to, I think. Anyway, date two was good. I hope for a date three. This whole approach to dating is so new for me. I mean, After A___ and I broke up, I went on a date with Ross and then about two weeks later I went on a date with another guy. But Ross and I ended up hitting it off and even though we were "taking it slow" I really liked him and didn't consider going out with any other guys after our third date. When that ended I went on a random date or two with Seth and then I met Broadway...After our first date I was certainly not interested in going on a date with anyone else. He, apparently, went on one date with someone else in between our first and second dates (at the time he said that he had already had it planned and he didn't want to cancel...in hindsight I wonder...but anyway...). But after the second date it was pretty much just us and I was so crazy about him that I would not have considered a date with anyone else. Since Broadway I have been on several first dates but no second dates until last night, which may have actually been date three if you count the night we met (new years)...Then there was Ross part two. And so, as I look back on date #2/3, and look forward to date #3/4, I realize I have very little experience with dating...relationships, yes. Dating, no.

But it has been and continues to be an interesting learning process. I think it is good for me. I never used to believe it would be. I thought dating was a waste of time...if you like someone, why not just decide to be together and see what happens. The freedom of a relationship has always seemed so much more satisfying to me than the constrictions of dating. But now that I am dating...with the idea that it will lead to a satisfying relationship...now I see that there is a lot I can learn about myself. And I can also see that the intensity that comes from a fabulous first or second date is not a sufficient basis on which to build a relationship. So, a good first date and an amazing second date seems like a perfectly good place to start, making sure to keep the drama and false intimacy out of it. See, I'm learning.

I guess I never knew I could cook. I mean, really cook. Sure I can make a good dinner for two...but I never knew I had it in me to make something gourmet - and enjoy it! But I discovered this past Wednesday, as I made homemade roasted pumpkin soup for Thanksgiving at the Spence home, that I have the knack. I even improvised a bit with spices and some ingredients and I must say, it was good soup! I think my favorite part was the garnish - a mini-dollop of sour cream, toasted pumpkin seeds and a sprinkling of cinnamon. Everyone said it was tasty and all the bowls were licked clean!

The rest of the meal was delicious. The turkey looked so good, I even had some of it - a little ironic, if you ask me, that after finding out that the boy doesn't like vegetarians, I went and ate some turkey. Totally unrelated events but funny how that sort of thing happens.

I volunteered earlier in the day and as usual, it made me sad to see so very many people without their families, many of them clearly addicts. The guests at the food program were almost entirely men, something I had not noticed in the past. There was one guy there, he couldn't have been a day over 17. He seemed so tripped out, with pock marks all over his face and utter vacancy in his clear blue eyes. I had to look away. I don't know what, if anything, that says about me. But it did make me so sad and the last thing I wanted to do was feel sorry for these people. Certainly they don't need or want my pity. They have pride just like the rest of us and the last thing they probably want is to see judgment in my eyes when I look at them, even if my judgment comes from a place of love and compassion.

At first I felt some liberal guilt - there I was volunteering at a food program, making sure to leave in time to get home, shower and drive to Mill Valley for my own Thanksgiving feast, full of the warmth and protection of my closest friends. But the guilt does not do anyone any good. And soon my guilt turned to gratitude. Gratitude for the life I do have and the fact that I can do a small part (and I know how small it is) to help people have a decent holiday meal - people who might otherwise not have a meal at all. Gratitude that my mother raised me in such a way to know that doing service in the community is a crucial part of being part of that community - even if she doesn't know she did that. And though we did not go around the dinner table and each recite the things for which we are most grateful, I said them silently to myself: I am grateful for my health and the health of my familiy. I am grateful that I have been blessed with a best friend that is also my sister, with an unwavering ally and teacher that is also my mother and with the watchful eyes of my guardian angel and grandma. I am grateful to always know - to really feel - the love of my family and friends. I am especially grateful for the friends who have supported me for the past two years, some of the hardest days in my short existence on this planet; these are the friends with whom I am completely free to be myself and also the ones that really know the essence of me. I am grateful for the intellect with which I have been blessed. I am grateful that I have the use of all my limbs and that I have learned to make sure to use them! I am grateful that I have been able to spend the better part of the last two years really getting to understand myself and even more grateful that I finally feel that I am again ready to share the best parts of me (beyond my safe circle of family and my closest friends) - pieces of Marcy that were hidden under a veil of pain and fear for far too long.

I should be working on my essays right now. But I keep putting them off. I am not sure why. Maybe because I know I have to work on them all weekend. Maybe because I am scared to actually finish them and apply to school? Well, I am committed to at least getting that far in this process. And every time someone does read the essays I have completed they give me very good feedback. So that helps.

It's not that I have an irresistible urge to say something in particular here. As usual there are all sorts of things running through my head that I could write about. Most of those I will save for the journal in my bedroom that I write in at night before I go to sleep. I don't feel like writing about the wacky political situation in this country or events in the world. It gets so exhausting to care so much about that stuff. Sometimes I need to just step away.

So, I guess this will be one of those blog entries that's a non-entry. Because I am not going to keep writing about the boy and the date and the fact that I don't eat meat and what that does or does not mean and how that will or will not impact the potential here. I am pretty clear that if he really doesn't want to date me because I am not as carnivorous as he is, well...that's just not about me so much as it is about him. And the truth is that no matter what happens with this one, I can feel myself moving in the right direction, heading towards what I want and what I know I will one day have.

"If you don't eat meat, forget about it." That's from his online profile (on the Jewish online dating site...which is not where I met him but on which he has a profile posted...as do I...after all, any self-respecting, single, young Jewish person in the Bay Area has a profile on there...even though I don't go on dates from there and I don't pay the monthly fee to get or send emails...mostly I poke around to see who's out there...but I can't seem to make the full-on foray into online dating...not yet anyway.).

So, I don't eat meat. I guess maybe I have to forget about it?

I had a date last night. I had a good time (yes, mom...I had a good time). Uh-oh. This is where I turn into a spaz. So, this should be interesting. Hopefully he won't think I am too much of a dork and we will go out again. As Taylor tried to remind me when I called her in a panic last night after I got home, I have to remember to think one date at a time...that's all it was - one date. And maybe he liked me, too, and we can go on a second date. And then maybe a third? And then I have to stop there and that's that. I marvel at the fact that I can be 31 years old and yet not much about dating has changed since I was 16...the stakes seem higher, I guess. But the whole process is basically the same.

I am really starting to worry that we won't have a good candidate to take on Bush next fall. I think the press is beating up on John Kerry. Dean just does not do it for me...Wesley Clark has it all on paper but he hasn't touched anything deep in me yet and I am not sure how much longer I can give him the benefit of the doubt. If not for the whole Tawanna Brawley thing so many years ago, Al Sharpton might be my man. He is damn funny and I cannot wait for him to host Saturday Night Live. As I write this I wonder if maybe that's my problem with Dean - he does not seem to have much of a sense of humor. There is something about him that is too edgy, bordering on mean. I don't know. I will, obviously, support whoever is our nominee. I just want to feel like we are going to win. I don't want to lose this election on the moral high ground. I hate that liberal Democrats would rather be right than win. Sure, it would be nice to be [morally] pure and win. But as we have seen in recent years, moral purity does not lead to winning. And while in 2000 that may have seemed a worthwhile trade-off, I think most people would now agree that it turned out much worse than we had ever imagined.

I am really getting excited about the possibilty of going to business school. Thank goodness...because not much else is exciting me these days! Work is killing me...nobody on my team is happy and I do not know how to make things better - all these b-school essays are about leadership and yet here I am with a group of fairly miserable employees and I am at a loss for how to turn things around. My unhappiness at the new company doesn't help things any! And I guess there is only so much you can lead when you have no power to affect any change. But I don't want to complain.

I want Wesley Clark to inspire me more. For some reason, I am not loving Howard Dean anymore - in fact he is bugging me. They are all bugging me. I am afraid of four more years of George W. Bush. But I have started to think that it is where we are headed...so I am trying to come to grips with it early.


Uninspired to write. I gotta snap out of it.

I am looking forward to Thanksgiving this year. I hope I am able to pull off soup for 10! Hopefully Space can help me (and maybe loan me a food processor and a big soup pot!)...he is a great cook and I would be very very psyched for his help...

I need to put down the "pen" for a while.

Last night Leslie said, "Men are like buses...there's always another one around the corner." And then Rocky said, "Men are like taxis, you can only get where you want to go if the taxi's light is on (i.e., if it's available)." Then we agreed that men are more like buses than taxis because whereas a taxi has his light on and that makes it obvious whether or not it is available, men often time are not that easy to read.

And anyway, last night, a few hours after I laughed at Leslie's metaphor, I started to wonder if she was, in fact, right about that theory. It seems that another bus may have come my way last night...but I don't know. We will see what happens. In the meantime, I am still a little sad about the bus I just left behind (or rather, the bus that left me behind!)...but I know I will get over it soon enough!

Time for bed...what a weekend...lots of activity, not a lot of productivity!

There are such great women in my family. I am so blessed.

One of the essays on the Berkeley application asks who, past or present, would you have dinner with if you could...and why? For the essay I am constrained to only invite one individual. But if I could truly invite anyone to a dinner party, past or present, I think I would invite myself.

I would invite six year old Marcy, the Marcy before her parents' divorce, to dinner. I want to know what it feels like to live in that house...do her parents fight a lot? Does she get to spend any time with her dad? What do she and Grandma do all day while they are hanging out? What is it like at school?

I would also invite ten year old Marcy..the Marcy who was so misbehaved her mom sent her to a child psychologist. Marcy who shared a room with her older sister. Marcy who got into fights at school. Marcy who stole money from her mother, bought cigarettes at "The Shop" and smoked them behind her building with other kids from school. What was she so pissed off about?

I would invite 13 year old Marcy...this is the Marcy that Donna M_____ threw a penny at and said, "Go home you big nosed Jew." The Marcy that held a protest in social studies because her teacher, Ms. Lenard, changed her seat. Marcy who had her first kisses with Josh Weissbard and David Yavneh. Marcy who decided to stop talking to her Dad. I would ask her if she remembers when she started to hate her body. I wonder if she is mad at her dad? How about her mom? And what does she think of her stepfather, Alan?

I would invite 16 year old Marcy...right after her nose job (see 13 y.o. Marcy!), right before her first serious boyfriend. In my memory she is confident Marcy...lots of good friends, ready to head off to college, meeting boys, falling in love, experimenting with sex. I want to ask her how she does it. How is she so brave, so willing to open up to new people? How did she let herself fall in love with Damian and him with her? How does she manage not to care what anyone else thinks of her?

Assuming there is still room at the table, I would invite 21 year old Marcy, the recent college graduate...This is the career-driven Marcy. The one who loved politics, believed in the power of liberal ideas and moved to Washington, DC, leaving her boyfriend behind, wanting to change the world. The Marcy who worked two jobs for eight months in order to pursue her career but also make extra money and meet new people. The Marcy who started to discover that politics in Washington, DC and politics everywhere else are vastly different. The Marcy who had the boss that was verbally abusive. The Marcy who watched her grandmother give up the fight when her cancer returned. This is also the Marcy who developed an anxiety disorder. I don't know that I have anything to ask her. But I would like to give her a hug.

I would invite 25 year old Marcy. The one who finally liked her job and her friends. The Marcy who met and fell in love with A___. She had been single for three years, dating here and there but nothing special. I want to ask her how she got through it and how, when she met A____, was she able to set aside her pain and her fears about relationships and let him see her, warts and all?

The last seat at the table, besides today's version of me, would be reserved for 29 year old Marcy. The Marcy closest in age to me today, she seems worlds away. She is the one who took chances by quitting her job at Levi's after only four months. She did Ironman. She let herself be vulnerable, let her friends pamper her and support her as she healed from her breakup. She tried online dating. She messed up a few potentially rewarding relationships...but she had fun meeting new kinds of men. She made several new, very special friends. I want her at the dinner so I can bask in the glow that surrounds her and see if I can remember how to find that confidence, that enthusiasm, that vulnerability, that self-acceptance in me now.

If only....

Wow...this blogger thing keeps changing. It seems like every couple of weeks the new post page looks different...I like this version now, in case you blogdudes are reading up on this.

If I get into graduate school, I am pretty sure it will be largely because of my mother's help with my essay questions. She has generated some great ideas that I have been a huge help to me! Of course, I have always known my mom is a genius...so why doesn't she apply to Harvard? How fun would that be for us to go together?

I cannot begin to think about moving away from this place. I love it here. I like making a six-figure income. I like living alone. I like being 2.5 miles from the Golden Gate Bridge. I like the farmers' market. I like - no, I love my friends. So, I am not going to think about it. Because realistically, I probably won't even get in. Maybe I will only get in to Berkeley...in which case I won't move and school will be relatively inexpensive!

Buzzie thinks I am being a wimp by not calling the boy. I think she is probably right but at the same time, I think I am right not to call. The truth is, I don't see that anything will be gained by it. And I am ready to move on. I really do not want to dwell on something that isn't going to go anywhere. Forward motion. That's what I am dedicating myself to these next few months.

You have got to be kidding me about this Reagan miniseries controversy. I cannot believe that CBS buckled under the pressure and canceled the show because Republicans didn't like what they thought the show would depict (nevermind that they didn't see a final version of the four-hour show, rather only saw trailers). This latest episode is just more evidence that the Republican party does not believe in free speech for people who don't agree with its politics or policies. And now they are complaining about a fucking movie? A DRAMATIZATION!?! What about all those Kennedy miniseries that included private conversations between Bobby and JFK - they are both dead so chances of those conversations having happened exactly as protrayed are, well, nil - and certainly there were times that the Kennedy family didn't like the movies (put together and distributed by librul Hollywood, no doubt) ...but nobody pulled them off hte fucking air. WHY DOESN'T ANYONE SEEM TO CARE ABOUT THIS KIND OF THING? WHEN WILL THIS NIGHTMARE BE OVER?

Katie Couric, I decided, is a media whore.

Nine years since Grandma died. Nine fucking years. And I forgot to call mommy today. I never forget. But she knows that deep down I am remembering. It is amazing how hard it is to deal with death...you simply never stop missing the person. Of course, in time you miss them less...I don't know...less acutely. But the missing never goes away. In fact, with Grandma it gets deeper...I miss being able to tell her what's going on in my life. I miss introducing her to the important people in my life. Nine years. In these nine years I have moved across the country, had six jobs, had one serious relationship (plus a couple of not so serious ones and a bunch of crushes), completed twelve triathlons - including Ironman, completed three marathons, taken the LSAT, taken the GMAT, owned three cars and three bicycles, lived in five different apartments....and on and on. So many things I wish I could share with her...hear her voice, hug her...I would even let her frost my hair like she always wanted to.

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I can hardly believe that my marathon was a week ago today. It seems like so much longer ago than that. At the same time, NYC Marathon, which I did a year ago, seems like it was just yesterday. Strange how that works.

I am procrastinating. I have to write my application essays but it has been hard to get a groove on so I am stalling. I should not be surprised. What did I expect, applying to Harvard, Stanford, Columbia and Berkeley? One of the hardest things about the essays is that they are forcing me to take an honest look at my life, my career, my passions, my goals. One of the hardest questions - and it's one of the first I decided to tackle - is, "What are three substantial accomplishments and why do you view them as such?" I got two...but the third one is proving to be elusive. And I wonder, is that because I haven't actually accomplished much? Or is it because I don't see some of my achievements as substantial accomplishments? I mean, if I thought it would fly, I would say that one of my substantial accomplishments is having survived my life up to this point. Of course, my survival and the survival of someone who dealt daily with the threat of danger, who was abused physically and/or emotionally, who was disabled, who was poverty-stricken, et cetera, et cetera, does not necessarily compare. Nonetheless, I did survive. Shit, I survived Junior High School 202! I survived Howard Beach! I survived Leo and Maria Marino, Lisa and AnnMarie the bus bullies, and Dianna Migliaccio! Can I write my essay about that? I survived low self esteem and body image issues. I survived my cheating college boyfriend and a number of sex-starved college boys. I survived my grandmother's cancer and her death. I survived near-crippling anxiety. I survived working 7:30am to 2am, five days a week for nine months. I survived an abusive boss. I moved across the country without connections or a job and I survived. I was depressed and I survived. I had three male roommates, I shockingly survived! I was single for three years and I survived! I survived four years of an emotionally stunted relationship. I survived 9/11. I survived Ironman. I made it to 30. And here I am, on my own, surviving 31. So, isn't that a substantial accomplishment?

But there is this to add.

Who knew he would turn out to be an uncommunicative p***y like so many other men I have known? I had no idea. I don't know why I still think about him all the time...I don't know why I leave open the possibility that he will call, that he will want to talk, that he will want to...I don't know what. But the truth is, seeing this side of him, this side that doesn't know how to confront difficult feelings or issues, makes him less attractive to me. Why do people find it so hard to show up? I mean, don't get me wrong, even the most enlightened people can't show up all the time. I certainly find it hard to show up all the time (and I am far from enlightened). Sometimes it's exhausting and I just want to shut off. But, I do try to at least feel, acknowledge what I feel and somehow live it out. Is it so much to ask that the other people I share my time with do the same, at least some of the time? Perhaps it is. We don't exactly live in a world of self-awareness.

It's almost election day. I am still not sure who I will vote for in the Mayor's race. Probably Angela Alioto. I mean, I think I will end up voting for Gavin Newsom (or Gabbin' Nuisance, as Buzzie likes to call him) in the run-off, but I would like it to be a race between him and Angela, because I think she will force some important issues to be discussed. As it stands now, there is so much noise with all the candidates, and all that's really being talked about is who is more liberal than the next guy and how fucked we are going to be without real leadership, a la Willie Brown. So I think an Angela/Gavin runoff would be good to get the candidates talking about real issues...because she is a straight talker and she will call him on his yuppy bullshit...and I know he is a good liberal pragmatist at heart, so I know he will be able to answer her. But if the uber-liberals keep at it, they make themselves, and not the issues, the story and Gavin will never have to answer any truly difficult questions. Anyway, I will vote for her to make sure she gets into the runoff. It's pretty cool that I get to do that, you know. Of course there is a risk...Neither of them might make it to the run-off. Then what?

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I have really been having the writing itch lately. But not this Blog writing...I am sort of over it, to tell the truth. I have been feeling very introspective about my place in the world, the place my life sits right now and the next steps for me. Spending the weekend in DC, the city where I started my career and developed a lot of my dreams, as well as suffering through a dig-deep marathon day, helped stir some of these feelings up, too. But until I finish these applications, I cannot indulge my writing fancies too much. I want to get these essays completed and behind me and then I can move on to the next phase.

George Bush's press conference yesterday was, in a word, appalling. I listened to most of it on the radio and found him to sound bored and arrogant...like there was some place else he would rather be than talking to the American people. But that wasn't the worst part. The worst part was his LAME attempt at humor when taking reporters' questions...he didn't sound funny, he sounded mean.

He has got to go.

I now know what it means to be sick as a dog...Well, at least today I feel like I can honestly say I am sick as a dog. I feel like utter shit. My nose is completely stuffed up, I have about three cold sores around my mouth (to make up for the three years of none, I suppose), my quads are still incredibly sore from the marathon this weekend and I am simultaneously sweaty and cold. A fitting finale to this past week.

I did the Marine Corps Marathon on Sunday. I can't say I enjoyed any of it, to tell the truth. I tried to have fun...I even hooted and hollered whenever we entered a tunnel, I highfived the marines on the side of the road, I smiled at people calling out to me, "GO MARCY!" But for some reason my heart just wasn't in it. I think it's because I woke up that morning totally shvitzing, as my people say, and never quite got comfortable. Then, the fact that there was no water until approximately mile 2.5...and the water station was so crowded that I couldn't even get in there to get any. So I was stuck with no water until the next stop around mile 4.5...So I was in a deficit early on and was kind of annoyed, worried about how it would manifest in the later miles. Let me say, I sure did find out!

I do need to recognize that I should have carried my own water with me...Lesson learned for sure. When I wanted to take my first Clif Shot, around mile 7.5 or so, I had to leave the sweet, syrupy flavor in my mouth until around mile 9 when the next water station was available. No water from miles 6 - 9. What kind of race organization is that, anyway? (I found out later that the race organizers were worried about people over-hydrating so they made less water available. Brilliant...instead they underhydrated us, in the 90% humidity!, and treated more people in med tents on the course than in the race's 28 year history.) Anyway, things were great until about mile 16 when I suddenly had to pee really badly and couldn't get over to the side of the road soon enough! I peed on myself a bit before ducking behind a tree next to some government building (across from the HHS building) and went to the bathroom. After that I picked back up but started to feel a little woozy...I really needed something to perk me up but the idea of a Clif Shot made me, well, a little ill. So, I busted out some Sharkies, thinking I probably needed some electrolyte replacement (I was so sweaty my fingertips were pruning like they do when I spend too much time in the bath). I walked a bit and then started running again, feeling better. Then I got around mile 18+ and was suddenly more miserable than I had been all day. My left quad totally stopped operating. I felt like I could barely run anymore. I wondered how much of it was in my head - was I just talking myself out of this marathon because it wasn't fun? I tried to push through...walked every now and again but tried to keep it to a minimum. If I kept it up, I wouldn't make my 4:15 goal but I could potentially make 4:20, still a PR. Then I saw Mark and I tried to smile for his camera...I was happy to see him but really wanted to just keep moving forward. I wanted to see mile 21 - I had seen it earlier on the start of this loop I was on and was really looking forward to gettin there because I knew I would be almost finished. Once I got to mile 20, I tried to psyche myself up by visualizing my 6.2 mile Presidio Loop...my autopilot run. And it worked a little because I did end up climbing a hill pretty similar to the Presidio Hill and I felt right at home. But at this point, I was walking more than I was running. I got onto the 14th Street bridge...a LONG LONG lonely bridge...I tried to just keep moving forward and telling myself that there really will be a finish line, though I was starting to doubt even that! Then, the miles just ticked themselves off and I gave up on making any particular time across the finish line. I just wanted to get there without puking, without stopping, without quitting. I hoped I could do it within 5 hours but I wasn't sure and I wasn't putting any pressure on myself to do so.

Finally, I knew I was near the end because I heard the music and the crowds started to get bigger and bigger. I was able to pick it up a bit towards the very end...around mile 25.5 or so. I had a sense that I would be able to finish before 4:40...so I went for it. And I did. Barely. 4:38:52. Oy.


I did have a nice time in DC, though. Mokypa and Mort were awesome hosts...they treated me as if I was one of their kids! Their home was comfortable and they were great to hang out with and spend time. It was great to see Amanda, a total trip to see Ryan. I wish I had gotten to see Kevin but for whatever reason we were unable to hook it up.

Well, I am sure this is all incoherent...I am sweating my ass off here in San Francisco, another severe change in weather that has certainly added to my ill health.

And, I am off to DC for the marathon...I haven't been back since I left in 1995...for so many reasons I left that place and never once looked over my shoulder. I wonder what it will be like to be there...living in DC was seriously one of the least happy times in my life. I hope the memories that come back are good ones.

And I hope I am able to come up with a clever slogan to wear on my running shirt during the marathon. God forbid people think my red white and blue outfit means I am a Patriot as definied by the Bush Administration.

I am getting excited for the Presidential campaign to really heat up! Twelve years ago (12 years!) I was looking forward to primary season...it was a little different being on the East Coast and road tripping to New Hampshire to volunteer for Bob Kerry (my first choice candidate)...and then, of course, being so active in the College Democrats and then working for the Massachusetts Democratic Party. I was at the center of the action! And then, I was graciously given the most amazing opportunity and experience, hired as the Massachusetts student coordinator for Clinton Gore/Victor 92...so of course this time around it will be a bit different. But somehow, I suspect I will be no less emotionally involved. In fact, I have a hunch I may be even more personally connected this time around. Because at this point, age 31, I know how crucial this is. In 1991/1992, when I was 19/20 years old, getting ready to graduate college, facing my adult life and my college loans, thinking about what kind of world I wanted to help create, all I wanted was a President that reflected my values and stood for the same kinds of things I stood for. That's why I was/am a Democrat, and have been for as long as I can remember (okay, when I was in fifth grade I had a brief moment where I tried to campaign at school for Lew Lehrman to be Governor of New York against Mario Cuomo because I believed so strongly in the death penalty; and in 7th grade I debated Beth Goldstein at a school assembly over the abortion issue - and I argued the anti-choice side! Clearly things changed - dramatically). But now, I am 31...I still want a President that reflects my values and stands for what I do. But I am not looking to change the world like I was when I got swept up in the Clinton Gore movement. Instead, I am looking to make sure there still is a world in generations to come.

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Why is it that some people (not me) are more cut out for corporate America than other people (me)? It's the part of me that is like my dad. The part that is creative and thinks big; but also the part that doesn't like authority or rules. Why, after seven years, have I still not managed to fit into this environment?

My friend Peter has a mantra that goes something like this, "Don't do anything just yet. The right thing to do will become obvious. Until then, just keep going with the flow." He has said it to me many times in the past. Times when I was thinking about breaking up with A___ (I did) or trying to figure out how/if to date Broadway (ouch) or toying with quitting my job at Levi's after only a few short months (I did)...It seems like such obvious advice. But it is also quite useful. I often use it on myself when I don't know what to do in a situation. It helps me to stop and take a breath before I dive head first into a decision. Maybe that's wimpy of me, but I actually think it saves me from taking steps I may later regret. Every day for the past week or so I have been reminding myself of this notion...to not do anything until the right thing to do becomes obvious. Of course, it's about a boy. I wish those things could be more cut and dried...that the right thing to do would be easy to determine. Alas, I am not so lucky. So I wait for the right thing to become obvious. And until then I try to be patient. Of course I take small steps, steps that seem at once right and crucial for sanity-preservation, while also seeming immature - like deleting him from my instant messenger or from my cell phone.

Will dealing with the opposite sex always seem like a repeat of high school, only older, with higher stakes?

What a great few days I have had...dinner last night was nothing but laughs (much needed after that heavy movie, Mystic River (which, incidentally, was beautifully acted and directed) and dinner tonight with one of my favorite husband and wife pairs was fabulous. They gave me a lot to think about as far as what I am passionate about and what is important to me. I am so grateful for friends like these.


On another note, sometimes I do not look people in the eye. It is something I have started to notice lately...and I don't like it. Usually it's people like the counterperson at a deli or the cashier at my lunch place. It's terrible and I don't know where it comes from but I have been making a concerted effort to stop it. I wonder how much better a community it could be if we were all able to look each other in the eye.

I am not feeling inspired. These business school applications are a bitch. About what am I most passionate? What is most important to me in the world? How am I supposed to answer those questions in 800 words? Especially after the whole rigarmarole with entering your undergraduate grades (which, by the way, is incredibly depressing...I mean, I knew I was doing poorly in school while I was there but I guess I didn't realize how poorly. And now that I see the grades, in hindsight, I think about how much I wasted by not paying more attention to the books and less attention to the boys!).

Even harder than writing the essays, I think, will be having other people read them. I mean, they are so personal and I will be looking for critiques...I am not sure I trust anyone enough to have them read and offer their perspective on these essays. Yet I have to do it. I am hoping that this blogwriting, knowing that I write really personal things and people read it and probably think some (or all of it) sucks and they see the typos and all that...I am hoping that it helps to make the essay-sharing a bit easier.

I love my mom.

On our drive home from Livingston, the chicken center of California, today, B__ and I listened to Governor Ahnold's first press conference. I will say that he did a good job of just handling the media. To be expected, of course, with his years of experience doing so. And he definitely seems likable. He makes jokes and he sounds honest. I have no doubt that his intentions are sincere. And my belief in this actually grew during the course of the press conference. Unfortunately, he still sounds like, well, like an idiot. I mean, he has no real plans for California other than to hire a team of independent auditors and see where our deficit is and then make some decisions about cutting services (because, as he reiterated today, he is not going to raise taxes). Unfortunately there is no place to cut from anymore, unless, of course, you count education, health care and the other safety net services government provides to those most in need. So, as I listened to the press conference, decided I like Ahnold well enough as a person (I guess) and decided he is still unqualified for anything remotely like governing, I wondered, "why did he even want this job?" As he said today, there will be no time for movies, there will be no time for anything (after all, California is a big state - he actually said this). Instead, he will be spending the next three years trying to figure out how to deal with the issues he inherited from Gray Davis, who inherited them from Pete Wilson. It's a losing proposition, I don't know why he wanted it or why the Republican Party wanted it (and I am sure they wondered that, too, during his press conference when he advocated work permits and visas for undocumented immigrants and talked about clean air, which sounded suspiciously like clean ears). I don't know why they didn't just wait it out, let the Dems continue to flail and then pounce on the Governor's office when they could really win. As it is, California is SCREWED and unless and until we repeal Proposition 13 so we can start getting some more money in the state's coffers - money we should have been collecting since, oh, I don't know, 1978! - we are not going to be able to dig out of it. We will never make money again like we did in the 90s...well, at least not for a while. We need the taxes and these homeowners and businesses who benefit from Prop. 13 are simply not paying their share. But, alas, Prop. 13 is untouchable for some reason...I guess the people who benefit from it have tons of money and tons of influence (the rich get richer)...so we will be screwed for a while.

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The wedding last weekend was amazing. So much love in the room. So much happiness. So much fun! The Aussie's were everything I expected them to be. They were crazy and they were fun and they were so inviting. Eri was, of course, the most gorgeous bride and J___ is stunning, too. Their families are clearly in love with each other and are so thrilled that these two found each other. I swear, from the time I arrived in Morristown, New Jersey on Friday night til I left on Sunday morning (at 5am), my cheeks hurt from smiling (except I wasn't really smiling so much during my 3 hour run). The square-dance ho-down on Friday, the incrediblly beautiful ceremony Saturday, the amazing reception Saturday night...all of it had me smiling ear to ear. The bride and groom were so gracious...the guests were so fond of them both and therefore, we were all so fond of each other...it felt like I had known them all for longer than the few hours I had known them. By the end of the reception, when I was standing on the dance floor with my arms around Fiona, Dave and Nicola swaying back and forth and singing this Australian song about a one night stand that everyone knows the words to (kind of like their version of singing the Piano Man at the end of a drunken night in college!), I realized that this wedding was exactly what it was supposed to be - a gathering of Eri and J___'s favorite people all sharing their love.

This marriage bar was set so low until some of my friends started getting married. Now I feel like the bar is set awfully high.

Shit. Ahnold is our Governor. Oh well, what can you do? Hope for the best, I guess. I mean, let's be honest...I hope he succeeds. I mean, if he can turn things around, more power to him, right? I am highly skeptical that he will actually do this - with a very small percentage of the budget going towards discretionary spending, the Governor does not actually have a lot of sway - but in truth, I hope he succeeds because California will be a better place if he does. Hopefully I will be gone by then, though, and will come back when a real Governor takes office.

Bright spots - both right-wing supported propositions failed.

In some ways the last 24 hours or so has been pretty interesting as far as national affairs goes. I mean, this whole business of an investigation into the "tawdry" tactics of the Bush administration outing Ambassador Wilson's wife as a CIA operative is rather interesting. Of course, the Democrats, seeing a political opportunity (and let's face it, that's what this is) are calling for a "special prosecutor" - a la Ken Starr, I suppose. Ha...we should be so lucky. Seems John Ashcroft has bigger balls than Janet Reno ever did and I have a strong feeling he won't bow to that pressure. At least not without a major fight. The Dems have a point, though. I mean, when the Justice Department calls the White House counsel's office and tells him to send a memo to the staff that they will be required to cooperate fully with the investigation, and the White House Counsel asks if he can wait a few hours before sending the memo out, and the Justice Department says okay...well, you see, that's a problem. Whether that is standard operating procedure or not is irrelevant. It seems wrong and that is enough to make the whole thing suspect. But even if a special prosecutor was appointed, the chances of getting one that is as rabidly opposed to this adminstration as Starr was to Clinton's are slim to none. I am interested to watch the whole thing as it unfolds. Though, knowing Karl Rove and his band of dirty operators, they will create some other kind of news (perhaps find another (fake) mobile weapons lab?) to get this stuff out of the headlines.

In other news, seems the Texas Republicans are now fighting with each other over their illegal, racist and downright dirty power grab aka redistricting! Ha...wouldn't it be ironic if it ended up not happening because the Republicans, after steamrolling the Democrats, couldn't quite bring themselves to fall lokstep behind the wishes of their fearless jackal Tom DeLay? I would laugh my ass off if the redistricting fell through.

And Arianna is out of the race. As if her two percent will help anyone at this point.

According to Jewish teaching, you cannot ask God to forgive you for a transgression against another person, people must work that out on their own. I like that teaching because it keeps us on the hook for our behavior. Of course, just because I like it does not mean that it's easy to do.

I remember last year I asked R___ to forgive me. It was hard to do...we were standing by a tree at the Pacific Grove triathlon and I somehow managed to get it out. He was quite gracious about it and, in keeping with his good character, did forgive me. So he said. I chose/choose to trust him. Of course, I was desperate for his forgiveness, having harbored both guilt and regret for several months at that point.

In my current scenario, there is neither guilt, regret or romance involved..it's like, I have forsaken a friendship, which was the right thing to do...I just don't like how I went about doing it...and it is for that I am seeking forgiveness. The Days of Awe last for about 8 more days...I am hoping to figure it out before this period ends.

L'Shana Tova...Happy New Year. L'Shana Shalom. Peaceful New Year.

Sundown today is Rosh Hashana, the day that marks the start of the Jewish New Year and the beginning of the period of reflection, which ends at sundown on October 6, Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement. The year is 5764 on the Jewish calendar.

I think Jews everywhere have different interpretations of this important period of reflection. In fact, Jews everywhere have different interpretations of just about everything, so why not this. Having discovered my connection to this holy period on my own, I have also created my own sacred space around it. Jewish sages believed that this season of reflection is meant to be an opportunity to examine our souls, to recognize where we may have done wrong, or fallen down, and reconcile with each other and with our God. I like to approach these next few weeks as a bit of a cleansing period, a time to look on the past year and see my growth (or lack thereof) as honestly as I am able. That's the reflection part for me. Not to re-live the memories of the past year, though that can be fun...but rather to really hold a mirror up to the kind of person I have been and see how close I have gotten to the person I want to be. I tend to find that I am more of the person I want to be year after year. Perfect, no. But more honest, more sincere, less judgmental and more loving. Usually.

The other part of this season is atonement. Again, there are different interpretations about this practice. I see this period of atonement as a time to seek forgiveness from each other and ourselves. I believe that by seeking, and granting, this forgiveness, we are accessing the God within each of us and, therefore, in the process seeking and receiving God's forgiveness, too. I try to take this atonement thing seriously. You see, in the reflection process I inevitably stumble on several occasions in which I have "wronged" another person. Usually it's not malicious, just misguided. When I can see it, I try to ask forgiveness. If possible, I ask the person directly. Sometimes that's too hard to do...in those cases I try to forgive myself for my behavior and I secretly vow to not repeat the behavior. Not sure if that counts in the atonement rules...I mean, do I actually need to call someone up and seek forgiveness, like Step 4 of the 12 Step program? I don't know...maybe. I should ask a Rabbi about that one. I will probably ask a Reform Rabbi since those rules seem to be more lax.

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One thing I am really sick of is the constant characterization of the California recall as some kind of circus. Yes, it is ridiculous that we are having this recall. But we are having it and it is crucial that the voters take it seriously. Regardless of how people feel about Gray Davis, regardless of whether or not you support his ouster, this election is serious business, as is every election. Sure, there are 135 candidates - including porn stars, children of basketball stars, former child stars, action-movie stars, etc. - but that does not make it any less of an election. Circus, maybe. But that was what they said about Florida in 2000 and look where it got us.

Why is it that just about everyone in my family lives in one of the two states with an international reputation for ridiculous election shenanigans? Shit, my mom lives in the actual county in Florida that was home to the butterfly ballot controversy.

One of these days I will laugh at it...not take it so seriously. I don't see it happening anytime soon. But a girl can dream!

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Watched part of the Democratic presidential candidates' debate last night. I still don't know who I will end up supporting. But I must say, I am liking them all better and better (okay, except for Dennis Kucinich who is just a little creepy). Yes, it is unfortunate that they have to lash out at each other...but I think they are doing a good job of not going overboard in doing so while at the same time hammering away at George Bush. John Kerry seemed strong and more passionate than usual. Howard Dean, the target of those who were on the attack, did a good job of fending them off and also reminding us all that the real target should be George Bush. Wes Clark was fine. He is a looker, that guy. And I thought it took BIG BALLS for him to show up to a policy wonky debate after only 9 days on the campaign trail. That meant, of course, that he didn't have a lot of specific answers. But he was good...and he showed up, which, in my opinion, showed something special about him - he can think on his feet, he can perform under pressure. Don't get me wrong, I don't think for one minute that he wasn't expertly prepped by a team of, well, experts. But there is only so much you can do in only 9 days. Carol Moseley-Braun did a great job, too. I don't take her candidacy too seriously, let's face it, she won't win. But I do take her more seriously after seeing her debate last night. She represented herself well and she was careflu to always remind viewers that the Democratic Party is the party of fiscal responsibility and prosperity (a la Bill Clinton). Well done Ambassador!

Joe Lieberman, well, he's just boring. He is a bit of an anachronism within this crowd. I don't know why but for some reason he represents to me the losing past of the Democratic Party. I mean, technically we didn't lose in 2000. But we sure didn't win, right? And that was him...his campaign with Al Gore. So I just don't like him being part of this group. But he is a good orator and a lot of people liike him. And, you know, I do like seeing a nice Jewish boy in the mix! Dick Gephardt is cool. A nice liberal Democrat. He will never win. But he is passionate and energized and we need that in our party. So he's good to have in the mix. Bob Graham did a great job, despite seeming like the Grandpa in the group. Everyone talks about him for VP...I did like him last night, though I hate the fact that he voted to support Miguel Estrada for the federal bench. Pure pandering on his part. But he did a good job, represented my Party well.

John Edwards...I don't know about him. I mean, he is good, he is smart, he is handsome. But he may be a little too slick for me. And I have to say that I am inherently suspicious of a politician with a Southern accent. It was one of the things that turned me off to Bill Clinton during the primaries in 1991/1992. I am not saying it's rational, it just is. But Edwards is good...sharp, well-spoken, committed, passionate. All things we need to be portraying to the voters right now. Al Sharpton is just damn funny. And has a better grasp of the issues than I would have ever given him credit for. Every movement needs its fringe and I think Al Sharpton serves a good purpose - he keeps the African American base engaged, he provides comic relief and, because he is such an unlikely candidate, he has the freedom to say some of the things other candidates may be too afraid to say.

And so I am hopeful.

So the recall is on. I surprise myself by feeling like that's the right and proper decision (my keen legal analysis brought me to this conclusion!). I am ready to be done with the whole thing anyway. I have yet to really entertain the idea that Arnold might win...I just cannot, as "they" say, "go there." Driving home from Modesto today I saw a car with an Arnold bumper sticker...I actually laughed out loud. It seemed absurd to me that anyone would support him...that anyone really wants Arnold Schwarzenegger to be Governor! Anyway, I am ready for it to be done with and I am going to try not to get too caught up in it on Election Day. I mean, I will vote and I wlil be eager to learn the outcome...Hopefully No on Recall will prevail. But if it doesn't, well, I am hoping I can find the humor in it all - regardless of who becomes Governor - and know that I can easily leave the state if it gets out of hand.

I definitely live in interesting times.

I listened to Bush's speech to the United Nations today. Has there ever been a President of the United States less inspiring than this guy? His speech was fine, I guess. His delivery was fine...I mean, other than his usual nuke-yu-ler pronunciation he didn't fuck up too much (and for the record, I think that his incorrect pronunciation of that word is, in itself, a punishable offense). But his speech was so uninspiring. Leaving everyone to read between the lines, never apologizing for his steamroll of the UN, and never once acknowledging that he needs the UN's help right now, that he was wrong about going it alone. Not that he needs to grovel...he doesn't...the United States should not need to beg for help, even in this case when we fucked up and everyone knows it. But if we - and by "we" I mean the so-called leaders who are meant to represent all Americans on the world stage - if we showed even the slightest bit of humility, I am convinced it would go a long way. Alas this cowboy, this wanna-be soldier George Bush...he knows not of humility.

Apparently Wes Clark is leading in a new poll...strangely, I think, in that he has only been a real candidate for a few days. I think it's a good sign, though. I think it demonstrates that people are looking for something, someone to get them excited. Yes, I know, everyone talks about how Dean gets people really excited. But you know, so do all the candidates. I mean, there are people who are very excited about John Kerry (I was one of them long ago and I would enthusiastically support him if he became our party's candidate); strange as I may find it, there are people excited about Joe Lieberman (am I a bad Jew that I am not one of them?); I have seen the excitement Dennis Kucinich excites in people; Carole Moseley-Braun got people so excited that the National Organization for Women (NOW) endorsed her! So there is no shortness of excitement surrounding the Democratic party's presidential candidates. I think Dean gets a lot of the attention because, let's face it, the media still thinks the Internet is "cool" - I am not convinced the suits in charge of our corporate media really get the Internet - and because Dean's campaign has brilliantly harnessed the power of the Internet in a way the American presidential campaign has never seen. That and the fact that Dean's supporters are - or at least seem to be - scrappier than the other candidates' supporters. I mean, Dean himself is scrappier than the rest of them. Out of all the candidates, he is the one I can most envision rolling up his sleeves and getting shit done. Anyway, Clark, I think, is the first candidate to come along that inspires a similar scrappiness in people...I think he has that "roll-up-his-sleevesness" that Dean has. But something about him is more...I don't know...Presidential? I hate that word...It's such a media fabrication. But when you stand them next to each other, certainly they both have the credentials to be President, Clark and Dean...but side by side, I don't know...I think Clark has something an extra something...a Presidential quality that only appears lacking in Dean when a candidate like Clark is in the race. It doesn't hurt that Wes Clark is a total babe.

Feeling a bit smarty-pants today! I finally got the GMAT over with yesterday and I must say, I am quite shocked, but proud, of my performance! I had hoped for a high score...meaning something in the 600s. Since I hadn't gone higher than 650 on a practice test, I hoped I could go that high on the real thing. Imagine my surprise when I completed the test, the demographics questions after it and the "are you sure you want your scores" section, when "750" popped up on the screen! 99th percentile. Go me!
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What a week...the same day I outperform my wildest dreams on the GMAT...at the same exact time, actually...Wesley Clark announced his candidacy for President. I sense good days ahead.

Hot shit. Sounds like the Federal Appeals Court has preliminarily ruled to postpone the recall. Gotta love the Ninth Circuit...they are always stirring it up. There is not a great deal of information out just yet, as it was just announced. And it sounds like it is an initial ruling, probably by a 3-judge panel. It probably has to go to the full panel and then a decision will be forthcoming. Fascinating. All around, this recall has been an amazing learning experience, regardless of the outcome. I mean, I always knew politics was bizarre. But this recall has taken that to a new level.

President Clinton is in California. Sometimes, if I close my eyes I can almost forget he is not the President anymore. Almost. I hear he gave a rousing speech in Los Angeles, railing against the recall and urging Californians to vote against it. This week a number of prominent national Democrats are making their way to California to get the "party faithful" out and voting on October 7 in the hopes that the recall fails or else that Bustamante wins if the recall prevails. I wonder if that sort of thing works. I mean, is it possible that people who are otherwise disengaged - or perhaps just underengaged - can be swayed to vote a particular way just because they see the Governor with another politician they like? I guess it is...otherwise campaigns would not use the tactic. It just seems, I don't know, somehow implausible to me.

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I wonder when Wesley Clark is going to make his announcement. "They" say he is 90 percent certain to run. Part of me hopes he does and part of me hopes he doesn't. I don't want there to be such disunity in the Party that the candidates start attacking each other and basically write Bush's re-election campaign script for him. And I definitely think that if Clark stayed out, Dean would be our man and I think - I know - he can pull out a win. Dream scenario - they get together, Dean and Clark, and decide to run as a ticket and approach the primaries now, as a ticket. They can lock it up. I don't think it matters who is at the top of the ticket either. Either way, I am confident this is a winning strategy. I had long hoped, during the 2000 campaign, that Al Gore would take this approach...I thought it would be a good way to shore up his messaging and balance his negatives early enough that he would be at full strength for the entire length of the election season and come into the general election with a commanding lead and a decisive win.

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Rumor has it J-Lo and Ben broke up.

How can I celebrate the joy of living while at the same time I mourn the loss of life?

The second anniversary of the September 11 attacks is coming on Thursday. I cannot believe it's been two years. It simultaneously feels like it has been two minutes and two centuries since that day. I have noticed an "uptick" in media coverage of 9/11-related topics. I have kind of enjoyed it, actually, in some ways it gives voice to the things I think about daily. I mean, 9/11 may have happened two years ago but it is in my consciousness every single day, and I suspect it will be for a long time to come. So to see it covered in the newspaper or on television, well, seems right to me.

As I read the articles in the New York Times or see the footage on the Today show, I wonder what it must be like for the people closest to the events of that horrific day (how many adjectives are there to describe the day?). I wonder about this a lot, actually. I know what it is to mourn the death of a dear, close relative. When my grandmother died, it rocked my world (and still does nearly nine years later). But I cannot imagine the horror of losing someone in those terrorist attacks. It seems worse, somehow. Maybe because everyone in the world saw it happen...maybe not live, but eventually, they saw the images of the plans flying into the buildings, the falling Towers, the crashed plane on the ground in Pennsylvania. Maybe it is because the whole world is grieving with you...sort of...but unless they have walked in your shoes on this one, there is no way they can understand. Maybe it seems worse because you do not get a lot of privacy around your grief. I know that every year on the anniversary of her parents' deaths, my mother lights a Yorzheit candle to mark their passing. In her house, in private, she lights the candle. There are no newspaper articles about it. No analysis in the weeks leading up to it. Nobody wondering what she is up to now that __ years have passed since they died. No public memorial.

But the relatives and friends of the 9/11 victims have no such privacy with their mourning. The day is one that is observed by people around the world - a fact that I am certain brings both comfort and rage to victims' families.

Anyway, as I have been absorbing the media focus on the second anniversary of the attacks, I have been thinking of the impact on my own family. And my mind turned, as it often does, to Stephen, who, like many CantorFitzgerald employees, was killed on that day. And to Gregory, Stephen's twin brother, and Aileen, Greg's wife (and my cousin). Gabrielle, Stephen's widow, and their daughter, Madeline. Stephen's twelve brothers and sisters, his parents, the kids he used to coach in football, all the hundreds of people who knew and loved him. And my heart goes out to them.

Today I sent Greg a note. I wanted to let him know I was thinking of him. Somehow it seemed better to send it today, rather than on Thursday. Because I know he mourns daily, not just on the anniversary. And to send it on the anniversary seemed, I don't know, cheap. In truth, I want to reach out to him every day...but as usual, life gets in the way. But as the anniversary approaches, I wanted to send him my love, let him know Stephen lives on in me and that on September 11 I will take a special moment of reflection in Stephen's honor.

Greg wrote me back. Said 2003 was an especially hard year. I cried. I can only imagine. The first year the shock keeps you insulated for a while. The newness of the absence keeps things from seeming, I don't know, real. Everyone rushes to your side, helps you through those first treacherous months. You try to get through day-by-day, without too much thought to a future beyond the next ten minutes. In many religions, the end of a year mark signifies the "official" end of mourning. Somewhere it was decided that one year is enough time to get over it - or at least enough time to get on with it. But after this time passes and you are doing your best to "get on with it," I would imagine the reality of the loss starts to set in. He isn't coming back. This is forever. And I think that must be the hardest part. The long-term view of a life without your twin brother, your best friend. The thought itself sends my mind reeling.

Come Thursday, I will do what I can to commemorate the day. It will surely not seem like enough. But it will have to do. And I will take a moment to honor Stephen and his family. And I will try to honor the memories of the thousands of men and women whose lives were taken that day. And next year, I will do it again.

I think I want Wesley Clark to run. I do not know if I will in fact leave the Dean camp to support him...but I want to see him, hear him, get his vibe...I think he can do all of us a great service by running. Real options, that's what I want. He seems to have the courage it takes to get in the ring. And much as I hate to admit it, I have a feeling I would support his candidacy...based on the little I know about him already, I can see our issue viewpoints are nicely aligned. Moreso than Howard Dean...I do think Howard Dean is amazing. And who knows...Clark might not run or I might not end up liking him as a candidate after all...and then I am happy to be an early Dean supporter.

Maybe that makes me wishy washy...fickle. I don't care about the judgments. Bush MUST lose. And that is overwhelmingly more important than my need to be loyal to a candidate because, well, because I said I liked him early on.

I really like Howard Dean for President. He's articulate, he has inspired a passionate following of people whom, I believe, are willing to do whatever it takes to get him elected (though I do fear that some are too, well, just too nice to get down and dirty with the likes of Karl Rove). This is important for a candidate to be successful in the primaries. I like him a lot...he speaks with a voice that in many ways, on many important issues speaks for me. If the primary election was today, I would certainly vote for him.

HOWEVER...

I am not going to lie...I like Wesley Clark. And not only because he has - or seems to have - impeccable military credentials, useful for a wartime candidacy. But because on just about every issue, from what I can tell, he takes a perspective similar to mine. Now, I am getting all this info from the DraftWesleyClark web site, on which there is an entire section dedicated to his stance on a range of issues. These Clark enthusiasts, not me, did a great deal of research to determine his views...since he isn't a candidate yet there are no official position papers. Anyway, they culled information from his hundreds of media appearances, his book, his articles and other bits of evidence to determine his perspective on a range of issues, from affirmative action and gun control to taxes and immigration. And while it's rare to find someone with whome you can agree on every issue, I will say this...his positions seem to align very closely with mine...moreso than Dean's do in some cases.

So far, nobody knows if he is actually going to run. And if he does, I think it will throw a lot of things into turmoil. I would venture to guess that there are quite a few people like me who like Dean because he is the best candidate out of this field of nine but maybe haven't quite signed on to him 100 percent. Sure, I have been trying to get my politically-minded friends to take a look at Dean. And I read the Dean campaign's blog daily (the jolt of energy from his supporters that comes through on that site is unbelievably inspiring). But I haven't gone to a Meetup (though I keep saying I will) and I haven't given money. I haven't bought a t-shirt or a button or a window sign.

I guess I am still waiting to see if anyone emerges that has the Dean energy and the passion of Dean's supporters and also has that special something that gets me all fired up...Ever since talk of a Clark candidacy started circulating I have wondered what I would do if it actually happened. I wondered if it was too early to commit to my candidate already. So, I give General Clark until October 1 to make some kind of an announcement. After that, I am Dean all the way. But until then, he has the potential to sway me. I am not saying for sure that it will happen...but I am open to it.

Rumor has it that Wesley Clark is making some sort of announcement on Inside Politics today regarding his potential candidacy. People are also talking about a Clark/Dean ticket (though I am not sure in what order). I have to admit, Clark is a compelling candidate. I do like Dean, and I do think Dean can win (the nomination and the general election). But I also think Clark would have an easier time of it. I would like a Dean/Clark ticket, I think...Either way it went. Though I really like Dean at the top of the ticket.

Great article by David Talbot today on salon.com. Check it out You may have to scroll through some ads if you are not a subscriber).

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Buzzie paid me the nicest compliment today. She told me that she has noticed over the last few months or so that I have gotten less defensive about things. That I seem more willing to be vulnerable...This is a compliment because I have been working so hard to get to such a place. To be nicer to myself (and therefore require others to be nicer to me!), to let people see the not-so-strong sides of me. I have found that it makes such a difference in the quality of my life. First of all, it is exhausting to spend all that energy doubting myself. And it is more fun when people can see all sides of you...it's easier...a weight lifted when you know that it's okay to not always know, to not always be right, to be sad once in a while, to get hurt. It sucks, for sure. But if you don't go through it you can't move past it. I really believe this. Not that you need to wallow. But if you don't feel your pain when it happens to you, you will never move past it to the next opportunity...because you will always be afraid of the pain you will never open yourself up to situations that, though they may cause much pain, have greater potential to bring joy and light. What's that saying, with great risk comes great reward? I trust now that this is true. Difficult to live by, but true nonetheless.

So I find myself in a position to really put this new sense of myself to the test! And it's not that easy to do! I mean, sure, when I am not in a difficult situation, when I am deling with my closest friends, it is easy to not be too defensive, to be vulnerable. But what about when I am in a situation like the one I am in...Can I still be honest about my feelings, even though it probably means I will be disappointed or hurt? Can I say that I am scared that because I was hurtful to him so long ago that he will be hurtful to me now? Can I admit that physical closeness with him is just not enough for me, that I want more, even though he says he can't offer much more right now? Can I really put myself out there like that? It's hard to admit these things to myself let alone to him. I mean, why mess with what it is right now - a fling...Who couldn't use a fling now and again? But for whatever reason, that's just not where I am right now.

I had a revelatory moment with myself today...I got home from his place this morning and I was exhausted, dragging my ass around my apartment and I passed a mirror...I don't usually look in the mirror for some reason (a whole separate topic for another time!)...but this time as I walked by I glanced. And I smiled at what I saw. Because as it turns out, I really like myself right now. And I actually said out loud, "Lynn (I refer to myself in the last name when I want to get my attention!), what are you doing? You deserve more than this." And so I do. Which is not to denigrate him in any way whatsoever. He is fabulous and if he were willing, I would want to try again...try for real. But as long as that's not what he wants, I can't do the other. I can't have the physical without the emotional. I never was any good at separating the two anyway.

After my short stint of jury duty today I can say with certainty that it is no wonder that our legal system is, well, really f*d up. Jury duty is made to be a chore - parking costs more than you get paid for attending. You sit in a dungeon-ous room for three hours only to have your name read out by an illiterate clerk telling you it is okay to go home, the case was settled. What a waste of time. Of course the case was settled. That's what lawsuits are about these days. I suppose on some level I am supposed to be glad that the parties settled their differences. But at the same time, I have a feeling they never intended to go through with the lawsuit. They used the legal system as a threat. And then it came down to the wire. Someone blinked. And for their charade, I had to spend my afternoon in the basement of 400 McAllister. At least I had a good book to read (The Namesake by Jhumpa Lahiri).

I certainly didn't expect to think about him this much. It used to be that I would see him and then I would think about him a lot...for a few days. Then it was back to normal...And I didn't really think of him much until I saw him again. And perhaps that's what is going on right now. I did just see him on Wednesday night. And so it's been a few days and I am still thinking about him...Maybe it will wear off like it usually does. But I don't know. I am afraid that it won't. Because we, you know, we kissed. And as much as I thought (and even said) that kissing wouldn't be a big deal...doesn't have to mean anything...I am not sure that's actually true. Sure, when I was 24 it was true. It might have even been true when A___ and I first broke up and I was "sowing my wild oats" so to speak. But I don't know if it's true anymore. Oy.

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I cannot believe (p)Resident Bush is spending today, Labor Day, with union workers. As though he has done anything to help working men and women. Who is he kidding? The only working people he has taken care of are the ones in the executive offices...And the lobbyists who work hard for his special interests...I have faith that Americans are smarter than this...He didn't win the first time but the courts appointed him. Hopefully the American people will see that it's crucial that he lose by a wider margin. So there can be no interpretation of our outright rejection of his policies and his politics.

It's not that I hate George Bush...that would certainly require more energy than I can devote to him right now. I would rather spend my juju loving and admiring a candidate who speaks for me and to me than hating him. But he does make me angry. Not so much because I disagree with him on most issues...and I do. But really it's because he is a liar. He lies stright to my face about things that are important. Some will say that Clinton was a liar, too. And I guess he was. He lied about having an affair with a 24 year old. I can't blame him for lying but it was bad and I felt betrayed by it for sure. And certainly I do not expect politicians to tell the truth all the time. They are, after all, people and nobody is 100% honest all the time, so politicians are no exception. But Bush...he lies and then lies about lying. And it's not about blowjobs and cigars. It's about war. And weapons of mass destruction. It's about educational opportunities and voting rights. It's about things that matter to the rest of us.

Sometimes it is best to leave things out of the blog. I am still learning the boundaries with this device. But some things, I just know, do not belong. I think I have crossed proper boundaries before and I am trying not to do so again, ever mindful of sharing too much or, worse, boring the person who reads this with the intimate details of my life.

I did have a good night last night, though. A pleasant surprise of a Wednesday evening. Good times with an old friend. Random. But really fun.

There is so much to say, where do I begin?

I want to capture everything about Lance's Ironman day. But I cannot do that because it was not my race. I only saw it from the outside and so to try to put into words what the day was like for will certainly not do it justice - and the last thing I want to do is make Lance's race about me. I can only continue to marvel at the depth to which Lance was able to dig to in order to pull out a finish.

I will say that it was nice to go away for the weekend. Far away. And to be able to watch and support the several thousand men and women trying to complete Ironman was a privilege all its own. Ironman is raw...sure there are other endeavors that are raw, too. But Ironman is the one I can relate to these days. And going there this weekend truly inspired me to tackle the challenge again. To test myself...to access those parts of me that I see most clearly in the thick of the challenge. To learn about who I am, to stretch my limits, to forgive myself, to learn patience.

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I think my GMAT prep teacher is kind of cute. I don't know what it is about a funny, smart guy that gets me everytime! I am a sucker for a brain and a sense of humor...too bad I am GMAT challenged...no way to transform that teacher/student relationship into something else...

What an amazing weekend. Lance finished Ironman...I get the chills thinking about it. Finally, the 5th of the "Fab Five" got to do his race. And he did it in style...he was the celebrity of the day out there. I wouldn't have missed it for the world. I am so impressed with him for perservering and getting to the finish line...He was an Ironman two years in the making...He already had it when he got there, but he wanted the medal to close the chapter. And he got it. And it was one of the most amazing things I was ever witness to. Those last two and a half miles to the finish, when we were all together, were so intense and so gratifying. I have never personally witnessed a person "dig deep" the way I did on Sunday.

I want to write a lot more about it... but my throat and lungs are sore from the weekend...the 18 mile run and the 18 hour day would have been enough. But then all of Kelowna and the areas surrounding Penticton had to go and burn down...so it feels like I have a touch of the black lung. Time for bed...

Lance...amazing. Truly amazing.

Dinner at Kamal's tonight was fantastic. The food was excellent (homemade Indian), the company was lovely and the conversation was, as usual, stimulating and satisfying. As we sat in Kamal's living room discusison everything from sexual harrassment lawsuits to hair salons to the ridiculous California recall, it occurred to me, as it usually does in this group of people, how lucky I am that these people love me. I am sure they, too, feel lucky to know me...but I most definitely am grateful for the gift of their friendship.

We did discuss the recall election - how can you not? - but none of us could stomach the conversation for too long. I could only hope, as the eight of us sat in the living room vigorously agreeing with each other on the inanity of the recall and the embarassment that would be Arnold as our governor - though disagreeing on some of the finer points, like should Davis be allowed to be a candidate and should you get to vote for a candidate if you vote against the recall - I could only hope that our group is representative of voting Californians around the state and that this recall will not succeed. Sure, if it succeeds, I want Bustamante to win. But mostly I don't want it to succeed. Not because I especially love Gray Davis - I think he sucks. But because in principle, I don't believe in a recall, just like I don't believe in term limits...we have a recall built into the system...it's called elections. If an elected official does something illegal, use the law to get rid of him or her. But you don't just get a do-over on an election. The voters spoke, we got what we asked for. If we don't like it we get to say so at the next election. That's the American way. Unless, of course, you live in California, where the person with the most money decides what we vote on...whether it's a recall campaign or a racist ballot initiative or some shortsighted tax reducing effort that only serves to worsen our already poor state school system.

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I am very proud of my run today. A personal best for a half marathon...9:30 miles the whole way (on average...I actually had one 9:10 in there and a couple of 10s)...If I can find the time to get in all the training and the studying and work and, oh yeah, socializing, I think the marathon will be a blast.

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I want one of my SF friends to get pregnant! I can hardly wait to be an aunty!

Weird...My stats page shows that someone has been reading this...a lot. Looks like someone read all the archives. Ha...strange. And I hope he or she wasn't too bored!

This recall election is really getting me down. Well, okay...it's not getting me down, necessarily. But it is driving me a little bit batty. As a Californian, I am a bit embarrassed! It is a popular pastime to make fun of California and the wacky ways here...but giving his kind of ammunition to would-be jokesters...it's just too much!

On a serious note, I feel somewhat angry about the recall. I mean, I feel as though on some level my voting rights have been violated. After all, we just had an election last year. I cast my vote, which was part of the majority vote, with the understanding that I would have an opportunity to vote again in four years. Isn't that what elections are about? Vote for a candidate, vote again in four years...if you don't like him orher, you can vote for someone else next time.

Then along comes a right wing money man and he decides he doesn't like the Governor (and I am sure he had plenty of nudging from Karl Rove and the compnay he keeps) and so he spends millions of dollars to pay people to collect enough signatures to put a recall on the ballot. And here we are.

Sure, people hate Gray Davis. I am not exactly a big fan of his. And there is something to be said for the fact that they secured enough signatures to get the thing on the ballot. But, I guess there is a part of me that really believes that a lot of the "enthusiasm" for the Gray Davis recall is actually a transference of anger at our country's leadership in general. People are pretty angry with George Bush...the economy sucks...we live in a constant state of fear. But we have no mechanism, except for the next Presidential election (GO HOWARD DEAN!) for getitng rid of the current administration. The recall in California is a way for voters to express their overall discontent with political leadership and to feel like they are able to do something about it. As they say, all politics is local. And so the recall is taking national discontent and giving the voters a local outlet.

George Bush and his merry band of idiots has got to go.